Mulligan? The Green? Birdie? Eagle? STRAWBERRY JAM

I like golf, it's a fun game even if you don't drink. That said I am an awful golfer, just awful. I don't play too much, but people who have never played before and have no athletic talent can often compete with me, I am really that bad.

Easily the greatest regret of my life was when I worked at a golf course that allowed employees to play for free I opted to sleep in until my shift, I didn't work till 1:30. I could have gone out around 10 for a quick nine, but opted for sleep every fucking day. Now I have to spend around $40 a pop to try to improve my golf game when I had the opportunity to do it for free 2 straight summers in a row, I seriously want to beat the hell out of my 21-22 year old self for that one.

I was at the tee box on the 18th hole, I was part of a foursome, one was my dad, the other 2 were complete strangers. As I hit the ball I let out one of the loudest farts in my life, it ended up being my best drive ever.

As noted above I suck, but one thing that really helped improve my game was when someone told me to hit down into the ball instead of trying to sweep under it.

 

I was a manager at McDonald's during my first three years of university, and I was in charge of organizing all the crew outting/team building events that we got money from the owner for. So, I decided to organize a golf tournament. 4some best ball with the winners getting $50 of gift certificates and a ballin' ass trophy I found at a yard sale. Everything is going good on the day when we get to the 18th tee. This is a shitty little course we are playing, an executive par three if you will, and we are two shots behind. The yardage for the 18th is about 190 so I decide to be a hero and take out my driver and go for the green.

I tee up, exhale deeply, and proceed to absolutely shank the fuck out of this ball. I throw my club up in disgust and turn away when everyone rushes past me screaming and yelling 15 yards from the tee box. I grab my club and run over to where they are and I shit you not, I have fucking taken the head clean off those little annoying birds that fly around everywhere cheeping and chirping and being overall pains in the ass. Like the body was still standing and the head was a solid 6 feet away from it. Everyone pulled out there phones and started taking pictures with it, which eventually went all the way through the 10 chains that our owner had. The GM created a fake email with a generic message from PETA condemning what I had done!

Overall, funniest experience I have had an a golf course.

Worst experience was jarring a 174 par 3 with the wind in my face to have the ball bounce out of the cup, catch the down slope and end up in the drink. Fuck me running my dad was howling at that one.

 

If it's your first time, bring plenty of cheap balls and take drops. You know you suck, they know you suck. No sense wasting everyone's time chasing down a ball. If they are agreeable, play a best-ball scramble. Don't try to crush the ball. Let the club do the work. Most of all, remember you're out there to have fun, not to get worked up in a frenzy of frustration.

 

The harder you try to crush the ball, the worse your shot will be, guaranteed. Focus on swinging smooth and easy and worry about club speed when you actually learn to play. If this is your first time, stay away from the long irons, because you won't be able to hit them. Frankly, I wouldn't touch anything higher than a five iron after your tee shot. While putting, let the club do the work. Adjust the arc of the pendulum instead of trying to push the ball on the green, or you'll overputt every time.

And for Christ's sake, keep your head down and follow through. Every time. I promise you, the shot isn't impressive enough that you need to see it right away, and pulling your head up before the swing is complete will fuck everything to pieces.

Last piece of advice: get lessons or play with someone who knows what they're doing and can properly adjust what will inevitably be a disgusting stance and a retarded swing. Nothing you read or are told via Internet is going to improve those things. Just try to have fun with it and enjoy your first round of the most frustrating goddamned game ever conceived.

 

Golf tips: If you have decent clubs or your friends can loan you some, look at the grip. You'll see markings that tell you where to wrap your hands. This is pretty important, otherwise you will never find your balls. Also, make sure to keep the left arm straight (at the elbow). One thing I see a lot of amateurs do is try to muscle it like a baseball bat. You, most likely, will end up going through $20 worth of golf balls by the end of the 9 holes if you do.

Golf story: My friends and I had decided that we needed to play golf early on during our senior year of college. However, being college students, we had to involve liquor. Under the rules of "drofling", each team had to finish a 1/5 of liquor by the end of the 9 holes and the team with the lowest combined score got their bottle paid for. The day was hot and long, even under the protection of the golf carts and I was already dehydrated from the previous night.

I also have the tolerance of an infant with liver failure but can chug like a motherfucker.

The day does not end well, given the above. I had taken down 2/3 of the bottle by myself and am barely capable of holding myself up by hole 6. By hole 7, I am hacking at balls in the sandtrap, screaming that it was a bullshit that I kept missing. As I tried getting out of the bunker, my shoe caught the lip of it, causing me to faceplant right into the ground. At this point, all details are recounted second hand. I am told that I had harassed the clubhouse staff for more beer and brats while nearly ruining their chances to set up a wedding reception. Any attempts to get me to drink water ended up with my tipping the cup over on the table and licking it off. Later, I "recovered" around 7 pm in my room and asked, "What hole am I on?"

I still get shit for this and haven't been able to drink whiskey since.

 

I'm out of town for a hockey tournament, and a few of the guys and me are playing a couple holes. I line up my shot, and absolutely crush the ball. Suddenly - BOOM - golf ball to the skull. Right on the forehead. Seems a pesky brick wall got in my way. Also, I may have been using a putter. Because it was a putt putt course. And I was 8 years old. Smooooth.

My mom freaked out when my Dad called to say I got hurt. Then laughed when she found out I got a golf injury while at a hockey tournament.

 

As most have mentioned your first time is going to be, well, like your first time. Awkward.

I agree that you shouldn't chase down every ball because you'll hit some that are just fucking terrible. At the same time, don't stress about the group behind you, they should have beers to hold them over. Unless they really are scratch golfers, they have no room to talk. If they are they'll play through.

Play from the whites, or whatever color is right after the ladies tees. No need to be a hero. You might be at the tee box thinking what's another 15 yards? A lot. Nobody's gonna laugh at you for playing smart. And you'll have a lesser chance of a "Denver dick-out," or Tennessee, or wherever it is you are. Point being you don't want to have to drop trou for a hole, you already suck.

I'm a 14 handicap, but my goal is still always just at least a 12 pack for 18 holes. That way I always win, and if I shoot well I can brag that I was seeing double by the end and still put it pin high from 210 out. Beer and golf just go together.

For future reference remember the golden rule:

Gentlemen
Only
Ladies
Forbidden

You'll enjoy golf. And you enjoy time with your buddies. Don't ruin it. (No offense ladies)

 

I'll have more on this later, but the first thing that came to mind was: wear a glove on your non-dominant hand. Trust me.

 

Take all these tips, and hit a bucket of balls at a driving range. The last thing you want to do is tee up your ball on the first hole having never even swung a club before. and was already mentioned, keep your head down. Everyone else in your group will watch where the ball goes for you.

 

I was in a similar situation around a month ago when I played my first par 3 course ever. I had only been to a driving range. Turns out I am not terrible at golf.

My friend shoots low 80's on the par 5's down in Florida and asked me if I wanted to go to a par 3 here in North Carolina, to which I replied sure, but I'm gonna be fucking terrible. I rented clubs, didn't know how to do much, and shot 2 lower than him.

Turns out I chip like a fucking natural, and my putting is pretty damn good. The hardest part for me is just shooting that first shot off the tee. You just have to find a swing that works for you at the driving range before you go and play a round of golf. At least thats how I did it...but hey, I don't know shit.

I kinda want to go again soon, it was fun as shit.

 

I have played golf since I was 12, and I am in my early 30s now. I'm decent, usually scoring in the low to mid 80s. The tips above will help, and forking out some money for a few cheap lessons, even in a group format, will be very beneficial.

Funny story Like I said, I started playing when I was 12. My brother (who is three years younger than me) started at about 11. My grandpa is a good golfer and taught us both how to play. My dad never golfed in his life, but decided to start up after my brother and I were playing and having fun.

I was about 15 at the time, my brother was 12. We're at a local course, and my dad shanked a drive (for about the 5th hole in a row). He got pissed, swung the club like a baseball bat, and accidentally threw it. Right at my brother's shin. The shaft snapped in half over my brother's leg, and he was in quite a bit of pain. My dad was mad at himself for losing his cool, picked up the broken club, and threw it into the woods. The broken shaft sliced his hand open and he needed several stitches to close the wound. My brother was find, just had a nasty bruise. Dad hasn't played golf since.

 

I was playing some crappy par-3 with my father and brother one afternoon when I was pretty young. My brother shanks the crap out of his tee shot and it sails into the pine forest lining the left side of the hole. I start laughing at him until we hear the familiar ::thwack:: of golf ball hitting tree trunk. The fucking thing kicks back out of the forest like it was tossed by mischievous wood nymphs and comes to rest at the foot of the green. The moral of the story? If you're going to hit trees, hit them hard. You might get lucky.

 

Story: When I was growing up, I used to play at the JPGA events in Minnesota. I think I averaged 10 events a year. Anyways, it didn't stop me from playing with all my buddies and the scrubs I went to school with. Being the case that I was a much better golfer, I was generally further off the tee and in the fairway more.

For all of you avid golfers, you will agree with me that your biggest pet peeve is playing with slow, crappy, golfers. It drives you nuts when you're always waiting. Because of this, you start to walk ahead to your ball a little bit more.

All golfers also know that the rule is to stay square with, or behind, the person currently hitting, especially if they're not good. I violated this rule once and I ended up paying for it.

On the 9th hole at Keller Golf Course near my house, I was playing with 3 other kids and I out drove most of them by 20 yards. Frustrated, I went up to my ball, which had rolled into a fairway bunker. As I was looking over it and figuring out what I was going to do, another guy in my group was going to hit. I look down at my ball, look up, and BOOM, nothing. The next thing I know, I'm getting woken up, with the combination of sand and blood over my face. The kid I was playing with shanked a five iron which hit me square in the nose. I had to get carted off the course, brought to the hospital, and had my nose adjusted because my nose had been pretty much shattered. To this day my nose is still a little crooked, and I am always paranoid when walking any bit ahead of anyone.

 

I just started golfing last year and I'm still pretty horrible. I've been out probably 20 times or so now. A few weeks ago I sliced a ball badly. I was golfing with 4 people and 2 carts which were about 15 yards away. The carts were about 3ft apart and my ball went right between them. Everyone bailed out but one guy. He sat there and I watched him throw his hands up in the air then grab the steering wheel like 3 times with a look of horror and confusion on his face before the ball went by. It was scary, but at the same time hilarious because I always warn people to stay behind me when I'm hitting. We'll sometimes bring a baseball bat with and crack balls down the fairway, too.

 

I was, am, and forever will be a shitty golfer.

My first ever golf outing was a disaster. My first ever swing I completely wiffed and didn't even touch the ball. On the second I topped the ball and it went about ten yards. Unfortunately, I let go of the club and it went about twenty. That's hard to live down.

I have several other tales about how shitty of a golfer I am, but none are really worth telling.

In college, however, I spent a summer working on the maintenance crew of my university's golf course. That job had it's ups (playing flag pole baseball) and downs (nearly everything else). The worst part about it was the disdain with which we were treated by nearly everyone. One group of wealthy white gentleman had a penchant for refusing to wait until we finished/moved out of the way and would hit right on top of us. That shit gets annoying real fast. One day one of this regular foursome decided to talk to my roommate/co-worker.

Old guy: So how did you get this job?
Friend: I dunno the normal way I guess...
Old guy: What do you mean?
Friend: I just applied and they hired me.
Old guy: Oh....I thought it was like a criminal community service thing.

Yeah, everyone thought we were convicts.

 

Not much the golfer, summarily aside from the ubiquitous beer pounding while my boys smoke ganja and shooting a buck twenty, I don't have many stories to tell. However, this is a recount of the hardest time I laughed on a golf course.

At the time, it was probably my 4th time golfing 18. It was Spring time and my good friend had just given me a set of hand-me-down clubs for Christmas. Great gift. So we're out with a 4 some, it's my first time using the clubs. I suck at driving, so pretty much my 2nd shot started on the women's tee-box. Thereafter, my games was as follows: fair-way wood straight line crush, over-clubbing iron for less distance straight, rack up 4 strokes on the short game. I was hitting the ball waay better than I should of.

Right around hole #12 of this pattern, we were all taking our second shot and my friend said to me: "Yo, I think I'm going to take those irons back dude, I have another set I can give you." I just kind of looked at him. Confused. And my boy, who's a little dorky, responded dead pan: "Dude, don't you think that's a little niggerish?" All of us dropped to the fucking fairway cryin', as this was right when the Chappelle show was blowin' up. Uncomfortably, "Naw man, I was, I was justing kiddin'.'"

Not a great story, but it's the one I got. I hope for something this weekend when I go out with my soon-to-be brother in law.

 

I am an awful golfer, but working hard to become better because I do enjoy it and I like to be good at the things I enjoy. Here are some points to consider:

1. You are going to be pretty bad. I don't know how good your friends are, but if they play regularly they will probably be better than you. Don't get frustrated
2. Concentrate on making good contact with the ball. Good contact is defined as a ball with a reasonable degree of loft and that flies straight.
3. In relation to number 2, if any of your friends start trying to get you to hit draws, fades, flops, punch shots, etc. tell them to fuck off and focus on #2. The average golfer has more fun hitting the ball well and scoring high then scrambling for a par off of bad shots. When you are starting out you will remember your good shots more than your good scores.
4. You can do whatever in the hell you want as long as the club face is square to the ball when you strike it. Here are the key points to a square club face:
- Shoulders parallel to the ground
- Feet are square (nothing creates a hook or slice for the newbie golfer like uneven feet)
- Keep your head down until after contact
- No seriously, keep your fucking head down
- There are a zillion things you can do with your stance later if you get into the game, but don't work on any of them now
6. Go buy cheap used balls. You are going to lose a lot of them and there is no point in getting upset about losing $45 worth of Titleist Pro V1's when you don't have the game to take advantage of them. The club will probably have a clunker bucket of balls dredged from water hazards that are a $1/ball. Use those and don't worry about losing them.

 

I don't measure my game in strokes but in how many parties ask to play through.

My record is two.

 

My friends and I got demolished on the first 9 holes of our game, and spent the back 9 driving the carts around like retards trying to kill each other. My cro-mag friend King Kong Lover Lips took a full head of steam at a water cooler station in the cart and FUBARed it, smashing it into bits. Stupid, stupid.