Might want to rethink cutting off your penis after a breakup

What the hell?

http://www.news.com.au/world/jilted...s-it-down-a-well/story-e6frfkyi-1225847490180

Thank God there are no pictures. They couldn't reattach it because they couldn't find it.

Seriously, if I were a guy and got dumped the last thing I would do is chop off my package. I thought male protocol was getting drunk, strip club, lap dance? (Or version two: Sleeping with the first female that will let you.)

Typically I was the cliche. Hibernating in my house, drowning my sorrows in alcohol and bad movies, while wearing my pajamas for a few days were how I maturely handled the situation. The random drunk dialing didn't count of course.

My ex? Not so much. He broke into my house and stole all my light bulbs. While I wanted to choke him to death, I had to admit it was pretty creative and very annoying.

Focus: What is the most extreme way you have handled a break up? Or, if you have never been dumped (like so many of the fine gentlemen here) what was something insane your ex did immediately after the separation?

 

I had a girlfriend that broke up with me because she thought I was screwing her roommate. I was not. I got even with her by screwing her roommate.

 

My first serious girlfriend ended things with me in a very vague manner a year or so ago. After noticing her acting "different" for a couple months, I finally got it out of her that she was seeing an old ex. I was living in the city that we moved to together alone, and I about lost it for a while. Did the stereotypical begging and pleading for her to take me back. Yeah, I was that guy. Finally I cut my losses, and my way of moving on was to go on a leave of absence at my decent job, and move 1,500 miles away to clear my head.

I thought that getting away would help, and it did somewhat. After not being able to find steady work in my new town, and six months of financial ruin, I am back in my old city starting over. I am behind on most of my bills and my credit is now destroyed due to the lack of work for the past few months. I realize all I needed was time and to man up, and moving away and almost giving up a good job for a break up was a horrible choice. The joys of being young and dumb, I guess.

 

And convincing yourself that there was no possible way that you could have known she was a lesbian.

That's the most important one.

Haven't really done much in the realm of dating, but a relationship I did have that went south was remedied with sitting in my room alone drinking Maker's Mark and watching Tom Baker era episodes of Doctor Who.

That showed her.

 

I went on a weighloss binge after I got dumped by my first girlfriend.

I decided that the only way to get a new girlfriend was to be skinnier.

I went from 6'3 188, the lower end of my healthy weight to 170lbs in a month. People thought I had cancer.

 

My most recent break-up was a little fun. The relationship, after three and a half years, started going south and neither of us wanted much to do with each other. We acted like friends more than anything, so one day, we ended it. Seeing as our relationship wound up more platonic than anything, the idea of being friends was tossed around and eventually I agreed.

After she told me about the third guy she had slept with that fortnight, I decided it was about time I stopped being friends with her and go find my own thing. It's a good thing I did the honorable thing and just laughed in her face when she mentioned she was tired of being such a slut* - that felt nice.

*Her words, not mine. I'm far too honorable to put labels on such things.

 

I knew being emotionally unavailable and disinterested in relationships would work for me sooner or later. It's rare that any of my one night stands extend past one or two nights but unfortunatly, the ones that do come back for more are usually slightly on the wrong side of realistic expectations.

If I was more of an honest person I'd turn them away, knowing that any sort of relationship probably has an upper time limit of 2 months or so but it's hard when you're facing the prospect of a couple of months of readily available sex paid for by a phonecall or two a week.

The girl that lasted the longest stuck it out for a little more than 6 months but in return she had a full breakdown in the middle or our gym, with about 150 people there, including me. At least it was a quiet one, where she just stood in the middle of the floor for half an hour, crying.

As for:

Of course not, she probably picked it up and put it in a throphy case of some kind. Other people can have their shitty piles of love letters, whenever this girl gets a little insecure she can just pull out and handle the dick of the man that destroyed his fucking life because she rebuffed him.

 

First serious girlfriend cheated on me 3 months after convincing me I should leave Chicago which I loved and find a school on the East coast around NYC so we can take the train to see each other twice a month on weekends. The school I wound up at was twice the cost of my previous school, and I just bought a ton of shit there.

She didn't want to talk about what happened or anything, we ended up having a fight that resembled the Clive and Julia fight in that movie closer. She still didn't tell me anything so I ended up changing the passwords on all her email accounts until she talked to me about it, then listened to Evanescence and any other angry/sad "rock" I could find for 3 months straight... found a winner rebound though.

 

I climbed a mountain once to clear my head after a chick broke my (now nonexistent) heart. I'd written to this girl for a few months while I was in the Ghan, I was pretty sold on the idea of dating this chick by the time I came back. Turns out she's a slut, I went to a house party with her and she made out with some random dude. Her explanation was, "We're not dating officially or anything". Two days later I'd bought $1200 of mountaineering gear and my happy ass was standing on top of Mt. Hood.
I guess if I ever get married and then divorced I'll give Everest a try. haha

 

I'm not particularly proud of the following:

I was dating a woman. The relationship got complicated and she bailed without really saying "Hey, we need to break up". We were living together at the time. She said she was staying at a friends house but something about that didn't jive. So I looked through some old mail of hers and found her ex's address. Walked up to the door and knocked. There she was. I was pissed. It wasn't that I was pissed that she ended the relationship. It was the lack of communication about it. I mean, do what you gotta do.

So after that I didn't really see her around the apartment. She'd come when I was at work, just general avoidance. End of month I moved out. Here is the fucked up, not proud part: I took everything that I'd ever bought from that apartment with me. I'm talking couches, silverware, cups, a pair of Crocs that I bought her. But that made me feel I had some measure of control in an out of control situation.

Strangely enough we're able to be friends now. Not close friends as before but friends.

 

Funny, I did the same thing, except I took it a little more to the extreme. Most people drink a lot, I swore off drinking completely, swore off unhealthy foods, and swore to get in the best shape of my life to rub it in her face. Lost about 60 pounds in roughly 5-6 months, and when she saw me the next time the look on her face was pure gold. Made every ounce of sweat and pain I went through totally worth it and motivated me to keep going. I am now 14 months in, and have lost 101 pounds. Funny thing is, the only one I can thank for my motivation, is a girl that my hatred runs so deep for her, if she died tomorrow I would show up at her funeral clapping.

 

Nothing too drastic, just a bit gross..I had let my ex borrow my Kawasaki knapsack (while we were still dating) for when he was out riding his Ninja. Turns out after he dumped me he let his nasty old tomcat, cleverly named 'Cat', piss all over the entire knapsack..he then put it in the bottom of a box of items of mine he was returning after it dried out. The smell had seeped through pretty much every item in the box..nice tomcat spray dried out piss smell, mmm thanks. Oh, & he had dumped me, just wanted to be an even bigger asshole I guess?

 

That news story immediately reminded me of a Bukowski poem called "True Story". Here it is for those of you that care to read it (spoiler tags for size):

Spoiler

they found him walking along the freeway
all red in
front
he had taken a rusty tin can
and cut off his sexual
machinery
as if to say --
see what you've done to
me? you might as well have the
rest.

and he put part of him
in one pocket and
part of him in
another
and that's how they found him,
walking
along.

they gave him over to the
doctors
who tried to sew the parts
back
on
but the parts were
quite contented
the way they
were.

I think sometimes of all of the good
ass
turned over to the
monsters of the
world.

maybe it was his protest against
this or
his protest
against
everything.

a one man
Freedom March
that never squeezed in
between
the concert reviews and the
baseball
scores.

God, or somebody,
bless
him.

 

I was dating a girl for a couple months that was stationed on the same ship as I was. It was a DDG, maybe 300 people on board. We kinda worked together. Everyone liked me and hated her, so that was a fun dynamic, to always be defending your girlfriend to your friends at work. A week and a half into a six month deployment (just after three days in Hawaii), she broke up with me.

So not only did I have to see her every single day, she started screwing anything that moved on the ship. I couldn't drink, I couldn't avoid her, I couldn't steal her shit or get any kind of physical revenge. So I started running 4-8 miles a day and lifting pretty hardcore. In 2 months, I lost 30 pounds, and was at about 6 or 7% bodyfat, ripped up at 5'8" 180. She'd come into the gym, and I'd be there, shirt off, sweating hard and running my ass off with earbuds in. I caught her giving me a few lingering glances when she didn't know I saw her.

Then I broke my ankle, couldn't walk for three months, put on 50 pounds, and haven't taken it off since. It was good while it lasted.

 

I posted about this in real time on the old board:

A girlfriend and I had just broke up. I wasn't that unhappy to see her go, but the circumstances surrounding the break up just really fucked with my head a bit.

She moved to Colorado to live with a guy she met on the internet. A guy that claimed he was an alien. Not an illegal alien, a goddamn, fucking alien from outer space. (Obviously I have very questionable judgment when it comes to relationships sometimes and tend to draw crazies like flies to fresh shit.)

I proceeded to get shit face drunk, hop on my back hoe and dig a big fucking hole in my field. (Maybe I was thinking of burying her, him, and his flying saucer in it? I dunno, my memory of that day is rather foggy.)

It took me two days with a massive hangover to push that hole in with the back hoe and the road grader. I don't know if you've ever operated heavy equipment, but they are not built for comfort and they are incredibly loud (The road grader had a 4:71 blower on it). Not the best thing when you have a hangover that you think will kill you at any moment.

I certainly taught her.

 

Got dumped, lost all my dignity and my testicles shrivelled up like prunes.

Listened to Pantera and Slayer for a week, I was fine!

 

During the course of a relationship, I make an effort to discover a truly vulnerable spot in the other person, so that in the event of a breakup I can remind them that no matter how much they may hate me, they hate themselves that much more.

 

After getting the "it's not you, it's me" line, I was more than pissed off as this might be the worst line. Ever.

So I went about punching holes in my apartment wall, one after another through the drywall. Until I finally hit a stud, broke my hand, and had to learn how to masturbate with my left hand.