Man Law

My wife actually INSISTS on that. She says it gives her the heebie-jeebies when she sees women driving their boyfriends/husbands around*.

Back into it: You don't leave your seat until the last buzzer sounds.

You must carry at least some sort of adoration for Clint Eastwood.

How to care for your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Good. We're fucking DONE here.

You must own a tool box, and in this tool box must be tools. Used tools. Tools that have been used for tooling things. And buy a cordless drill. They are the Holy Grail of the handyman.

*-exception: DUI suspension

 

When in a shower at the gym, there shall be no conversation. In fact whenever the genitals of your fellow man are exposed, there shall be no eye contact nor verbal utterances. (Unless you happen to be a homosexual, then please kindly refer to the Woman Law thread. That is all)

 

I bought a book several months back called The Maxims of Manhood: 100 Rules Every Real Man Must Live By. It was one of those books on display at the counter of the bookstore, so it was an impulse buy. Do I need a rule book to tell me how to be a man. No, but it was actually a pretty funny read. I had to buy it when I read this Entry under the section about knowing how to tip:

"Hooker: For some reason the publisher denied my request for "research money" to explore this profession, but here's my hunch: if you tip a waitress 15 percent for serving you a plate of spaghetti, then you should probably tip a woman at least that much for letting you stuff her vaina with your penis."

Some of my favorite entries:

9. Celebrate birthdays like you celebrate Tuesday.
34. Man the grill.
44. Only wear sunglasses when its sunny.
46. Spend more on beer than haircuts.
51. No exclamation points or emoticons!!!
62. Your favorite book may not be The Da Vinci Code.
63. Know how to chug a beer. Know not to.
72. Never ask another man how you look.
75. A buddy's fight is your fight.
94. Your dog must be larger than a toaster.
97. It's only a flesh wound.
100. Never blindly follow rules or maxims.

 

Here's one to add: If you live together, SHE must have a car that is NOT embarrassing for YOU to drive if shit happens. We don't ask for much, but we do NOT want to be caught dead in a fucking soft top Cabriolet or pink and black Tracker. You need to get a big person car now, because college was years ago and the beer funnel and bi-curious experimentation has been put into mothballs.

 

You are required to have enough knowledge of the major sports enjoyed in your home country to carry on a conversation about said sports without looking like a tool.

 

The only foot-covering objects you may own are: Work boots, dress shoes, running shoes, and slippers. Women own fifteen pairs of shoes, men do not.

 

The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys.

 

Small correction.

-If your buddy's team suffered a heartbreaking loss, wait at least a week before mentioning it. If you only have superficial knowledge of the sport or don't follow the sport at all, then don't bring it up ever.

-A man should always have a personal space that's sacrosanct to his manhood which cannot be altered, cleaned, or modified in any way without his consent and supervision. If he lives alone his entire house/apartment is this space. It is acceptable to have one (and only one) area of the home decorated in a somewhat less-than-manly fashion for the purposes of putting women at ease.

-When at a buddy's place, always respect the following privileges of the host: 1)The host always controls the remote. 2)The host is always player 1.

 

You do not shoot another man in the dick.

You do not let someone insult your wife.

You must at least know how to play poker.

 

Road Trip rules:

The driver determines the rest stops. Not the assholes in the back seat.

The owner of the vehicle doesn't pay for gas (or at least a minimal percentage).

At least one other passenger must be awake at all times. There must be at least one other sober person in the car at all times.

The owner of the vehicle gets first dibs on music.

If passengers are drinking "travellers", cans only. No bottles. Use those empty Tim Horton's cups for a reason.

If someone falls asleep, the rest of you must scare the piss out of him.

Nobody gets left behind.

 

Thanks for including me. That horse was badass. (yeah, we are friends in real life, kids)

Thou shalt handle your fucking business.

That is the biggest man rule I see violated. Goddamn cowards are everywhere.

 

Under no circumstance should a man ever result to looking through a manual to solve their questions while fixing something.

Trial and error works in most situations that may have called for a manual.
If ever questioned, remember that James Bond dismantled a nuclear warhead without a manual.

 

You are allowed to just barely tear up only during very specific instances:

1. When Ray Kinsella asks his dad if he wants to "have a catch".
2. When Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger is carried off the field by his teammates.
3. When Captain John H. Miller dies on that bridge in france and tells Private Ryan "James... earn this. Earn it."

Among a few select others, of course.

 

Thy dog must be named a manly name as you must remember that you have to shout that name to get the dog back inside.

 

Wrong, wrong, oh so wrong.

Any man who has real knowledge of a trade understands the value of a good manual/specsheet/diagram. Fucking up an engine/system/whatever even though you had the correct documentation handy only makes you look like the type of bumbling idiot you see on sitcoms. In the end getting the job done and the device to perform its function is what counts.

That said, a man should have the ability to improvise a solution to a problem when he doesn't have the correct parts/tools/materials available.

 

On wing night you order wings.

Ya you heard me Donnie! Fucking Clown.

 

A man should know how to sufficiently break down and clean his firearms. This includes trigger assemblies and recoil mechanisms. A superficial wipedown is for pussies and morons.

Referring to a manual or schematic is not only acceptable, but preferred.

 

A man must always have the final say in matters of direction.

 

Never allow your penises to touch. Because that's just gay. Man Law! <high five>



On a more serious note...

BAM. Proofread and edited at your service. A man's dog should at least be big enough to take down your annoying neighbor, Steve. Fetching of beer is optional, but highly encouraged.