I disagree with this. Not all disagreements & fights can be figured or sorted out in one night. I think that sometimes people need to simmer down and let cooler heads prevail the next day. Then again, I have a bunch of failed relationships and a divorce on my record, so fuck me, right?
No relationship, no matter how solid, will never have issues. When you are committing yourself to someone for decades, you should also realize that you will not be the same person at 55 as you are at 25. It takes effort and communication to grow together as opposed to growing apart. Sometimes, all the effort and communication in the world won't stop it, but, without it, your odds of staying together are much lower. That's not even taking into account the events outside of your control (e.g., the economy tanking and a partner losing his/her job, illness, etc.). There's no such thing as the perfect relationship or one without issues/problems. Probably going to regret this, but Village Idiot, it sounds like you're frustrated because you think that people are saying that all it takes to make a relationship work is hard work. Among my social group, a lot of people feel the way the quoted person does (not ragging on you for it). That, if it is the right person, the relationship will be easy. I know when I was in my early twenties, I would break-up with a partner whenever we had a major fight because I thought that it indicated that we were no longer compatible. I was talking to my mom about it and was explaining that, if it was right, the relationship would be easy, like it was with her and my dad (married over 30 years now). We ended up having a really in-depth conversation about all of the shit that they had had to deal with and all of the time that they spent working on their relationship. That was a complete revelation for me. I had thought that if a relationship was "the one", you would never fight, never seriously disagree, and never want to be apart from each other. I think that Noland and Bewildered are talking to people like the "early twenties" me. Luck is involved (I'm so sorry for your friends that lost a child, my cousin and her husband lost their 1 year old a few years ago, so I've seen the agony), but your decisions have a place too. Sometimes it can't work, especially if you've lost a child or something equally tragic, and nothing can save the marriage. But I saw my cousin and her husband go to endless therapy sessions, cry together, and go through Hell and back to handle the loss of their daughter. After watching them over the past three years, I think it would be unfair to them to say that luck was the main factor that kept them together.
One of my oldest and dearest friends got married in June. He wanted me to give a toast at the wedding. I called him and said "You want your recently divorced bestie to get up and wax poetic about marriage? What the hell do I know about what makes a marriage work when clearly mine didn't?" His answer was simple. "Fair enough, but maybe you could tell me what you learned from your divorce." And to tell you the truth...I don't even have an answer. It's something I'm still exploring five months after the ink dried on my divorce papers. The only things I can come up with are the following: Don't take each other for granted Make an effort to let your significant other know you still love/desire them Explore problems before cracks become chasms And one I don't think would've been appropriate at a wedding: don't marry a man with severe self esteem issues coupled with severe depression/anxiety/codependency issues that won't see a shrink and think that you'll make him happy. I could've moved the earth and he'd still be unhappy that some tard from the 5th grade was mean to him.