Me being young and horny, decided it was ok to date a girl a friend of mine previously dated. Of course I cleared it with him first tomake sure it wouldn't be weird. He was cool with it, but warned me that while she was a hellcat in bed, you had to get past probably the worst smelling pussy in history. I figured it was a bit of jealousy coming through, so I didn't pay much attention. Yeah. I should have. So there we were at her house, making out and fooling around, and decide to go up to her room. We get in bed and no shit, she was really into it, and had me harder than Chinese Algebra in no time. This girl was good. So I decide to go down, and as I am, pulling her pants down, and this chick is all over the place saying some really dirty things. Hot. I get down around her navel... And then it hit me. The smell was unbearable, and I've smelled nothing like it since. A mix of fish and, to borrow from Dennis Miller, someone getting a perm in the septic tank of the local slaughterhouse. I gagged and started coming back up for air. " What are you doing ?" she asked, obviously disappointed. Considering priesthood hon. My previously raging hard on was reduced to a total noodle. I honestly think I lost an inch or two. After many attempts to get things going again, my dick had made up it's mind. I was NOT putting it in that sewer. She was disgusted and I was nauseated. I got up and washed my hands and any other part that may have touched that rancid cootch. We still had to meet her folks for supper and I just wanted to go home and take a long hot shower. Needless to say, it ended later that night. That episode "put me off my feed" for a while, and I heard through a mutual ( female) friend how she was going around telling everyone I couldn't get it up. However when it comes to story telling, I'm sure i got more mileage out of the incident, and it gets better the more I drink I'm told. God that was one rotten crotch.
Wow, that brings back awful memories. A few years ago, a friend of a girl I know was in town visiting her, and it turned out that she wanted my dick. Lucky me. Well,we went through all the pleasantries of getting to know each other and she ended up coming home with me. We started getting down to business, and as we were making out I put my hand down the front of her pants and started fingering her. As soon as I pulled it out I could smell something fishy. As disappointed as I was about bringing home a stinky one, I hadn't been laid in over a month and there was no way I was gonna get blue balls that night. Besides, I was rip roaring drunk, so I was a little more forgiving. When I started fucking her the smell became almost unbearable. It was like someone took a pound of rotten hamburger, shoved it inside dead muskrat, shoved that inside a dead carp, then shoved that inside a heap of hot garbage and left it in the sun. As I was fucking her I remember thinking, "There's no fucking way she doesn't smell this too." I reached the point where I almost gave up and said "I can't do this, get the fuck out of my house." I had her get on top so the smell wasn't wafting into my face, and still wasn't able to finish. I got up and took a shower afterward and scrubbed myself like a rape victim. She was passed out by the time I came back, so I slept on the couch. As soon as she left I ripped the sheets off my bed and washed them twice. She tried calling me a few times after that, but I just ignored her calls. Gross.
I don't get this shit. How hard is it to keep your fucking vagina clean? I don't expect a bed of roses, and I understand that a shower might be missed for one reason or another, but there is no excuse for what's being described here. As I understand it being explained by my girlfriend, the vagina is a self-cleaning organ and you only need to wash the outside of it. FOCUS: http://www.theidiotboard.com/messageboard/viewtopic.php?f=1&p=23808#p23808 Refer to the last three sentences of this post. Never had to deal with a fishy taco, or anything too terribly bad save for nearly losing my foreskin. Seriously? Who the hell gets a 1/2 inch rubber clit piercing?
The first time I ever encountered a penis, he wanted to "hit it doggy style"... and then with no warning, no lube, no preparation of any kind, he shoved his dick in my butt. And just in case I need to say it, it was NOT appreciated.
This. I mean, half is way higher than me, but point is, it's happened, and if I'm using a condom, it's reasonably likely. In and of itself, not a remotely big deal. Usually the sex is still enjoyable. The problem is that most women assume a guy should/will come 100% of the time, and thus take it as a personal insult. Women, you know how sometimes, no matter how hard the guy tries, you just aren't going to come? Like the stars just aren't aligned and shit? Sometimes it happens with us. It might not even be related to how enjoyable the rest of the sex is. And everyone would be better off if you just accepted that, and didn't take it as an injury to your pride. There's a good chance it's not because you're fat, or you're doing something wrong. It just happens once in a blue moon, and it's not your fault. So let me get this straight: you divorced your wife partially because she gave you too good of a blowjob? Wow.
Been there. I briefly dated a woman several years ago whose pussy ALWAYS smelled sweaty and musty. It smelled like that even if she'd just showered. I mean... The odor wasn't completely overwhelming or anything, but I still didn't want to put my face anywhere near it. And she'd constantly make little jokes about wanting me to go down on her. I didn't know how to politely tell her that I wouldn't because of the stench.
This wasn't really my best or my worst experience, but definitely my most insulting. And pretty sure it was her worst. After a night of heavy drinking, I was back at my place on the verge of blacking out and this girl calls and wants to come over. I was tired as hell but wasn't about to pass that up, so I let her in and we start going at it. My memories of the night are a little hazy, but I've got bits and pieces of laying on my back in bed with her going down on me for five minutes or so, but after that, nothing. Come to find out that the reason for that was that as she was blowing me, I passed the fuck out. I stayed hard though, so she kept at it for a few more minutes, looking up and seeing me with my eyes closed, which I'm assuming she took as a sign I was enjoying it. Until I started snoring. For some reason, she stayed the night and relayed all of this to me the next morning. I made it up to her with a few orgasms (a win-win, really), and we actually continued to hook up for another six months or so. We're still friends, and I occasionally bring this story up when she's giving me shit for one reason or another.
No, not really. More than anything, it gave me ammunition to help me pull the trigger on leaving her, but we did call her 'snake whore' for a reason. Try to tell me someone you have known intimately for years, all of a sudden goes from 'I'm just gonna let you fuck my face' to a porn star at sucking dick over night, with no explanation wouldn't strike you as odd? Maybe one of the ladies or gay dudes (are there any?) on this board could enlighten us, do y'all just wake up learning to knob a dude, or do you need to practice that shit? Regardless, I promise something like that leaves you scratching your head.
OK, but wasn't "Someone gave her a few tips" a more reasonable conclusion to jump to? I mean, hopefully you had more reasons for it, but on its own you sound pretty paranoid.
I left a lot of factors of my divorce out of this, I was married for four years to that woman so it was a pretty complicated situation. Sorry if it came off that this was the reason I left her, and I know we'd get a take this to P.M. if we go any further here on it. I'll just leave it with this post on the 'Floats like a butterfly' thread.
I've posted about this a few times on the other board... The Duffer. To get the full visual of what this horrible girl did you need to pick up a pen or if you're a masochist you can use your dick. (Don't use someone elses dick... that would just be mean) Step 1: Hold the "pen" in one hand like it's the handle of a sword with some sticking above your thumb. Step 2: Get a REALLY good grip. Step 3: Take your other hand and move it away from your body as far as it goes at shoulder height. Step 4: Flatten out the raised hand with your palm down. Step 5: Swing your raised hand down hard across the top of your other hand/pen tip like your hand is a fucking hawk dive bombing a rabbit in a field but at the last minute just thwack it across the top. Step 6: Keeping your hand flattened out come back across the top of your other hand from the other direction. Yeah that's what she did. Even worse she was shocked when I didn't absolutely love it. I'm not sure who taught her that move but I'm sure they're going to burn in hell.
BEST: I had a crush on one of my good friends from the moment I met him ten years ago. We had flirted from day one, smooched a couple of times here and there, but never actually got it together. Cut to last Christmas when he started turning it on with a full-court press. St. Patrick's Day comes around and he finally confesses his crush on me and comes right out with how badly he wants to sleep with me. We had fantastic chemistry and I was absolutely game for whatever he had in store. About a month later, we finally went home together and it was incredible. Ten years of essential foreplay made it some of the hottest, most animal sex I've ever had. I came just from his fingers and when he ventured lower with his mouth, I practically passed out. Once we started having sex, he rolled me over so he was on top, had me in just the right position where he hit my spot every! single! time! and was pulling my hair to tease me back from trying to kiss him. I give orders all damn day so in the sack, I like to be dominated a little and he certainly took charge. It was awesome. At one point, I wanted to shift or something and I realized that he had my legs pinned with his body and my arms were totally immobile. I said, "I can't move." He smiled, pushed harder, and said, "I know...I don't want you to." I came again right then and there. That line is STILL the biggest withdrawal from my spank bank--gets me over the edge every time. WORST: Not exactly the sex but the repercussions of above encounter. After a few more times of going home together, he started getting distant. A few arguments and angry discussions later, he finally said, "I don't know. The sex was really good, but in my head I keep thinking that I was fucking someone like my sister. Maybe we waited too long to do it." Yeah, that kind of shoved the "best ever" into the "worst ever" category pretty damn quickly.
I've been fortunate that I haven't had a truly horrible sexual experience. I have been surprised, though, at how many girls have no idea how to kiss. One girl, when I kissed her, did this - Honestly, it was fucking weird. She just opened up her mouth as wide as it would go and laid there. Then later, when we were fucking (I know, but there it was) at one point, while she was on top, she told me to stop moving and lay perfectly still, while she almost imperceptibly pumped slowly on top of me until she got off. I think she spent a lot of time at the morgue.
Met this chick who was a friend of a friend a few times previous. Neither one of us showed any interest. One night, however, one thing lead to another... Let me preface this by saying that up until we were in bed, I had not only been awake for 30 hours or so, but I had gotten quite drunk and had sobered up twice during that time. Anyway, we end up in her bed. She wanted it missionary. I literally had the condom on and was ready to start when my arms gave out. I was just too tired and I told her this. I rolled over on my back, didnt even take the condom off and knew sleep would come in a few short seconds. At this point she says "No you don't." She snaps off the condom (that fucking hurts) and goes down on me. My thought at this point was 'whatever, do what you.' now up until this point, to me, head was head. i had never had any girl do anything out of the ordinary. Never had any teeth encounters, but never had anything mind blowing either. Well, holy shit. to this day I still have no idea what she did to me. I cant describe it and i couldnt see it as she had the covers over her head. But I went from quite soft to fire hose in about 8 seconds. she swallowed, looked me in the eye and said 'sorry, i've got an oral fixation.' no apologies necessary.
I hear ya. My ex-wife also became very good and some things "all of a sudden". She was a whore. She had alot of practice.
The best sex I've ever had was about 2 months ago. I'd been crushing hardcore with a co worker from another department, sending semi-flirty emails back and forth for almost a year, when all of a sudden they started taking a more serious tone. Fast forward a couple weeks and, oh, the poor hotel maid that had to change that bed. I squirt almost every time I come, and WOW that man could eat pussy. For hours. The top comforter was soaked, the blanket under it was soaked, the sheets were ruined, hell even the pillows were wet. We eventually wound up on the floor after being unable to find a dry spot on the bed. After 2.5 hours of his tongue and cock, I was left with jello legs that would get after shock tremors a day later, almost no voice, and a clit that tingled for 2 days. That man is going down in my sexual history as Oh. My. God.
One of my hottest sexual experiences involved no intercourse, and very little oral sex. Just over a month after I had moved to Chicago, I met a girl at a bar, had a classic sloppy drunken makeout, but exchanged numbers. We randomly decided to meet for dinner that next Wed. We had a nice conversation, I invited her back to my place for a drink. There was chemistry, but the physical nature of our initial meeting hadn't quite surfaced. Well, as I am walking her to the door of my apartment, I kind of accidentally, and I swear it was not intentional, smacked her ass as I was moving my desk chair out of the way. She spun around and we immediately locked lips. Over the next 15-20 min, we had the most furious and sexually exhilarating make-out/heavy petting/mild oral bonanza I've experienced. To compound it all, my air had cut out early in the day, so in the 85 degree August heat, my apartment could get like a sauna. We were drenched in sweat, breathing heavy, and I still have no idea how we didn't end up fucking like ecstasy infused pornstars. It made me want to turn off my air everytime a girl came over. It made me go from debating whether I would call her again to hooking up with her 2-3 times a week and uncovering a freak that I would need another 3-4 posts to fully describe. Then she went to med school out of state, and my penis has never forgiven her...
My worst had to have been the night I lost the v-card. It started with the two of us fumbling around and carelessly groping. It moved on to taking at least 2 minutes to figure out the condom sheathing the penis. Then, when the moment of truth arrived, it wouldn't go in because he wasn't fully hard. Finally after a moment of whispering things like "I can't wait to have you inside me" he got it fully erect. I wasn't fully ready for the first thrust, which felt like he was tearing me open with a knife. The second thrust hit my cervix. Hard. After this, I was out for the count. I spent the rest of the evening wishing I could sit on a permanently cold icepack while wondering what the big fucking fuss was about regarding sex. I wouldn't have sex again until two years later. As for the best, I must confess and say it's not Mr. Pink. Before the husband and I started dating, I was casually seeing a guy I had previously used as a revenge lay when I found out my worthless ex cheated on me with a wildebeest. The revenge lay was pretty good and I figured I was coming off a breakup with said ex and needed a hatefuck or two. The first time he and I got together, he unlocked this dark sexual side I didn't know I had. I didn't like to be dominated in the bedroom, but something in me uncorked when he pulled my hair and bent me over the bed so he could do me from behind. Soon after, my mouth started uttering phrases I've never used before during sex. Phrases like "I'm a naughty little whore and I need to be spanked" and "Come on, fucker, I know you can hit better than that." After this marathon sexual act, between my sore vag (being pounded hard for over twenty minutes can chafe a bitch) and my ass, now cherry red from the slaps, I couldn't sit down. He had a chunk of my red hair in his fist. Both of us were hoarse from screaming. The bed was covered in sweat, girl juice and semen. Despite this, we laid on top of the wet sheets for at least five minutes trying to catch our respective breaths. Hands down, he was the best fuck I've had. These marathon sessions would happen every three weeks or so and it would take me at least a day and a half to recover. Definitely worth it.