M*A*S*H

We've had threads on gory injuries and folk remedies before, but sometimes you need to treat an injury out in the field, and you have limited supplies to do it. I know some TiBbers have actual military experience with this sort of thing, but as drunk as everybody gets here, it's likely we have some good stories from others, too.

FOCUS: When have you had to treat a serious wound/illness "in the field" and what did you do? Superglue a nasty cut? Kill a snake to make a tourniquet?

 

I was a lifeguard for about 5 years at a few different pools. One had a 3m diving board that the kids could jump off of. Lo and behold some kid decided to fall off the top, smack his head directly on the concrete, and pass right out. I was the one on the stand right next to the board, so I was the first one to the rescue. I ran up to the motionless kid who was surrounded by a pool of blood already, yelled to the other lifeguard on the other side of the pool to call 911 and send the off duty out with a bunch of towels. I used my towel to cushion his head and made it immobile just in case he snapped his neck, and used my shirt to try to stop the bleeding. The kid came back to in about 2 min and started screaming and crying his eyes out for obvious reasons, it was impossibly difficult to keep the kid from moving so his supposed spinal didn't worsen. I had to pretty much get on top of his shoulders to stop him from moving while his mom calmed him down. The medics showed up a few minutes later and strapped him to the stretcher and took him off. He ended up having a mild concussion and a 3 inch gash on his forehead.

The smack he made when he hit the ground was awesome in a bad way, it was like a loud clap mixed with the sound of a head smacking concrete. Chilling. He ended up being fine a month later, but he now has a wicked scar above his eye.

 

I've RSI'ed someone who was still seated in a vehicle while we extricated him. He was then gently walked up an embankment in a stokes basket tied to a rope system.

It doesn't sound exciting, but we basically took someone who was barely alive, performed a procedure usually done in sterile/"perfect" conditions, then removed a car from around him and took him up a steep ass hill without fucking up the interventions we performed earlier. In a well-funded suburban fire department with tons of nice toys, that's about as "field" as it gets for most of us.

 

I've had to seriously use my first aid training for something more serious than a cut finger or a splinter one time in my life.

I was at one of my first parties where people were taking drugs. I'd take an ecstacy pill for the second time ever and I was pretty fucked up. I was talking to this girl and hoping to try drug sex for the first time. I was going ok but we hadn't moved past talking when she had to go to the bathroom.

About 10 minutes later I'm distracted by how awesome my pants feel or something, when someone knocks on the bathroom door and doesn't get an answer. They go in and scream. I go check it out and find out that the girl I was talking too is out cold on the floor. My friends, experienced and hardened drug users collectively fail at getting their shit together. They're all freaking out so I go in and check her pulse and breathing - still high as shit.

I can't find her pulse, and she isn't breathing. I scream for someone to call an ambulance and start mouth to mouth. I move up to start chest compressions and no-one has called the fucking ambulance. They're freaked about the drug paraphenalia all over the house. I scream at them that the ambulance won't give a shit, but if she dies - the cops will be pretty interested, call a fucking ambulance. Someone is either intimidated or coherent enough to see that I probably have a point and does so. I continue through the CPR, trying not to cop a feel more than is necessary to actually save this girls life. But I'm high as all fuck at this point.

What they never told me in the first aid training, is that it's not uncommon for a CPR or Mouth to Mouth patient to throw up when they regain consciousness. And being high as shit, I didn't notice any warning signs that this was coming, so I've moved to resume mouth to mouth and she's projectile vomitted into my fucking mouth. I've reflex vomited onto her face and hair. She's response vomited again into my face. A couple of people watching sympathy vomit. At that moment, the ambulance guys kick open the door, take in the sight of the girl vomiting, my face covered in vomit as I vomit onto her chest, trying to get enough traction in the lake of puke to move away, and pissed themselves laughing.

They checked her out and took her away for observation and helped me get my shit together while laughing themselves sick at my expense and told me that yeah it happens, and that's part of why they use a barrier for mouth to mouth.

Honestly, I have no idea how involved I was in anything that happened, or even if her pulse had stopped or if I was just too fucked up to find it. I'm confident that she wasn't breathing, but I was about 30 minutes into the peak of my second pill ever - it's a miracle that I managed to find her face to throw up on, letalone anything else. A couple days later I saw her again and she was ultimately fine. She never did fuck me though. Bitch.

 

Military: In the field, changing a started on a generator with an ASK (acoustic suppression kit) with like no clearance. Starter starts to fall, I catch up, not realizing the battery had leaked acid on the top. Yes, back then the batteries were the kind that you would fill yourself, so had the twist tops on each cell. Didn't realize until the acid had eaten through my BDU's, the awesome wool sweater underneath, and started eating my skin what happened. No baking soda, anything around, so used toothpaste to try to neutralize it. To this day, I still have spots on both of my forearms from the acid burns.

Overall: Agree with duct tape and/or electrical tape & a paper towel = the world's best bandaid. Used it this week, actually... took the top of my knuckle off, wouldn't stop bleeding, so a piece of paper towel & some duct tape for a few hours.

Then there's the drunk things, like pouring your beer/drink over a bleeding wound because, "Alcohol kills infection!" It also stings... a lot.

 

This wasn't me so feel free to delete if not on focus.

My uncle was hiking with his family and somehow one of the boys (about 9 or 10 years old at the time) got separated from the family. When my uncle finally found him his leg was pinned underneath a boulder and blood was everywhere. My uncle, who was a medic in Vietnam, knew that there was no way he could move the boulder or run for help before my cousin bled to death. So he used his pocketknife to amputate my cousin's leg right above the knee and used his shirt as a tourniquet, saving his life. Pretty badass.

 

I had what I'm pretty sure was a plantar wart on the ball of my foot when I was in high school, never told my parents or went to a doctor about it. I just picked at it now and then while at home which over time made it look more and more gnarly until one day I picked a pretty decent sized chunk of skin out of it. It bled a little and then was completely gone within a couple days. Apparently I picked the whole damn wart right out of my foot. Pretty cool huh?

Sorry ladies, I'm taken.