Lunch? You've only been here fifteen fucking minutes!

I got to work an hour and a half late today thanks to drinking way too much on a Sunday night. On the drive over I got to thinking about some of my worst moments as an employee. On one Saturday I showed up at 11:15 half drunk. I walked in the back, flipped the radio on, took a dump, and then proceeded to go to lunch. My boss was not impressed with my contribution.

It's pretty common for me to show up late or hung over, and I rarely even get scolded. I suppose it's because I'm almost always willing to stay late when needed and usually do if I get to work late. While what I'm doing is pretty bad, in a lot of ways I'm a better employee than people at other jobs. For example I've never called in sick when I was healthy, nor have I showed up to work only to fuck around on the internet for five hours. Really the only difference is what I'm doing is obvious, while people at most jobs have to be much more cautious. If I pulled any of this shit at past jobs they likely would have fired me on the spot.

Focus: In what ways are you a bad employee? What have you gotten away with that was really pushing the limit? Where do your employers draw the line?

Alt Focus: What do you wish you could get away with at your job, but are unwilling to try out of fear of getting canned?

Alt Alt Focus: Tied into the first two, but what do you think is acceptable and what should earn someone the boot?

 

Well I spend more time here or on Reddit than I do actually working. Presumably just before everyone else posts the same thing.

 

I'm self employed, so it's hard to push my employer too far. That said there are a lot of days that I wish I could fire myself. I've been known to decide that drunken xbox is a good way to spend a Tuesday, and justify it by saying that I need a day off. I'm a cocksucker of an employee.

 

I am self-employed and also work for a family business. I can pretty much take lunch when I like but just out of respect I usually ask my Dad if I can take a early lunch or a long lunch. His reply is usually "what difference would it make if I said no?" I am glad he sees things my way.

 

I am in a weird position. I work for a small family business and I am not family!

I can't quit because I can't find another job that pays even close to the shitty money that I currently make and they can't fire me because then my boss would have to do the work, and that is not going to happen.

 

Currently I'm a model employee, though I only started at my new job in a law firm a few weeks ago and still on probation so I'm definitely not going to give them any excuse to fire me for the next three months.

At my last couple of jobs in the bar and night club I got away with murder. Was rarely on time, rude to most of the customers I didn't like (the nightclub had a bullhorn, I abused any customer that pissed me off with it. Better than a bouncer any day), turned up hungover, got drunk on shift, smoked weed and did x on shifts, turned up still coming down off said x, screwed over the tills (but in such a way I wouldn't get caught and only at the night club where I was getting severely under paid by my boss), disappeared for smoke breaks whenever I wanted, slacked off whenever I could, made a couple of staff members cry when I was attempting to give up smoking and bringing my guitar into work to play instead of actually doing work.
And for the most part, I got away with it with hardly a word said against me because despite all of that, I did work my bollocks off and got everything done to a good standard. More importantly, my bosses actually liked me as a person, so they were always less inclined to have a go at me than other staff.

I only got properly told off by my boss at the club once as before I was due to work on a saturday night, I spent the day drinking at my gf's birthday party. To be fair I did phone him before I started to tell him that I was fucked in half and he was fine with it as long as I could work. However once getting to work I did carry drinking and helping myself to drinks all night. That he didn't like.
Even then he didn't say anything to my face, I remember waking up the next day feeling like death and texting an apology to him and all was forgiven after that.

Unfortunately those days are over and now I've got to be a responsible employee in a boring job.

If only tending bar paid a decent wage.

 

I just recently stopped reading/doing crossword puzzles at work. Sometimes, I just don't have enough work to do on a given day, but I want to be paid for the whole 6 hours. It was cool with my boss up until the last few months, when the practice started losing money for some reason and I had to start only working when I actually have stuff to do.

 

I'm a tradesman in defence and we can at times get away with murder.

If the work load is light we've been known to lock the door and have beers during lunch and into the afternoon before actually knocking off. Closing the workshop doors and playing cricket or kicking a footy around.
Various different computer games and the obligatory internet surfing.
Sleeping in the welding bay or electronics rooms that are air conditioned and have keycode locks.
Servicing our own cars and those of friends.

There are plenty of other things that have been known to happen when certain people are away or kept busy enough they won't notice. That being said if there is an exercise on or we are short staffed we work our guts out.

 

One job I had in college was as a bartender/slot machine attendant at a small lounge. Only one employee worked at a time and there were never more than 5 guests at once. We would always smoke a blunt during shift changes and I would frequently start work already drunk. My worst shift ever though is when I actually drank heavily while on the job. It was a slow night so I figured what hell, why not? I got wasted and ended up puking in the bathroom several times. Then the guests started coming in. To avoid people staring at me, I hid in the office the entire time, mostly passed out on the floor. Whenever someone needed to cash out, they would come knocking. "Oh, I, uh, was just.... doing inventory." I'd hand them their money then go right back to the office floor and lock the door again.

If it wasn't smoking weed or drinking while working then I would lock the front door and take a nap on our big comfy couch (I always worked the night shift so I was napping every single night). And if those 3 didn't apply, I was fucking some chick on said couch or in said bathroom. Best fucking job I ever had.

A close second though was my delivery job. You can imagine the shit that happens when you do pizza delivery in a college town. People would always invite me in for their party. I'd play a few games of beer pong or take a shot before finally heading back. A few times I'd deliver to a strip club. My boss never expected me back in less than an hour those times.