ESPN released a really interesting article on what happened to Tiger Woods after his Dad died. It can be found here. http://espn.go.com/espn/feature/story/_/id/15278522/how-tiger-woods-life-unraveled-years-father-earl-woods-death . If you ever wondered how he actually became injured and unable to play golf, it looks like that was because of some hardcore voluntary military training he liked to put himself through, so that he could live up to his father's expectations. Focus: Do you live up to your parents' expectations of you? Do you follow in their footsteps? Live by their moral code? etc. Alt Focus: What weird ass shit did your parents expect of you? Alt Alt Focus: What weird ass shit have you done to make your parents proud? I'm lucky that my parents never wanted anything out of me, other than for me to be happy and successful. Throughout my entire life I have been very fortunate that they have helped me achieve those goals.
My parents wanted me to go to college, which I did. That was really the extent of their expectations. I'm pretty sure they hold my sister in higher regard as far as favorites go, at least in my mom's eyes, but thats kind of always been the case and doesnt bother me anymore. I was never big on approval seeking from them or anyone, but maybe I should have been. It might have kept me out trouble a bit more when I was younger.
Focus: I followed in my Dad's footsteps, straight out of school, went to work for the same company my Dad helped start. Bought my first house at age 22. I was pressured to do these things. "You need to blah blah blah career" and "you need to buy a house, blah blah blah interest rates blah blah blah investment," they'd say. Worst thing I've ever done, I wasn't ready for that nonsense at that age and I should have listened to myself. I felt stuck, with all that. I'd sit in that house wishing I was somewhere else, wishing I had the guts to burn it down and leave. I started staying drunk, started using some drugs. I know my parents watched me and what I went through, suffering under the weight of all that responsibility when it wasn't what I really wanted. They did not pressure my younger brother to grow up so soon. When the economy tanked, I either lost it or had to sell it. Job, house, cars, everything. Gone. I was barely hanging on to it all anyway, I was already broke because of the booze and drugs. That ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me. I probably could have gone to my parents and asked for help to keep some of it, but I just wanted out. Alt Alt Focus: While I was semi-homeless I got semi-sober and scraped up the cash for a 25' sailboat to live aboard and to leave the country if I wanted. I met the woman that would become my wife, two years later we scraped up the cash for a larger project boat. Then we both got truly sober. We traveled and ended up delivering yachts for a while. I'm pretty sure my parents never expected me to call and tell them I was about to sail 1,500 miles and that I would call them in a couple of weeks when I got there. But I did, a lot. It make them proud, it was interesting to them, I could tell by the way they talked about it to myself and to others. Focus: Then my wife got pregnant. I literally knocked her up the night before I left for a two week delivery to St Martin. I'm doing what is expected of every father. I haven't been to sea since. I got a real job, doing the same thing I was doing in my early 20's. We have a house, again, and I still don't like it. I still get that stuck feeling, so I bought an RV and I do my traveling that way, with my family.
Yeah we just had the general C's or better grades and graduate college. Honestly I wish they would have pushed me harder or expected more. Left to my own devices I didn't shoot for the moon myself. I wasn't pushed to study for the act/sat's or take prep courses like my friends were. I did abysmally and limped into college. My older brother took to mechanical stuff which my dad and grandfather excelled in. He was pushed more in that respect. I heard he when wanted to switch from electrical to construction engineering they were both upset with him for doing so. I guess the one odd thing I've excelled at was being open to new foods. I was the only one of my brothers that always wanted more than a plain hamburger with no ketchup. My mom pushed me to try new things all the time and I still love cooking and eating something new. My mom has rewarded me on occasion by taking me out to highly rated restaurants as a treat.
I come from a blue collar family, so going to college was a big expectation for me. I had no problem with it, as I needed a degree to pursue a career in the sciences anyhow. Other than that, I've done al of the white, American, middle class shit that my parents had hoped for - married my wife, bought a house, had a kid, had a stable career, etc. I only found out relatively recently that I was the opposite of Juice in one respect - I was the sibling/cousin who other parents in the family held up as an example, going so far as to say to their kids "Why can't you be more like Misanthropic?' I feel pretty bad about it, even though I had no idea it was going on. That's a shitty thing to do to your kids.
My parents ever only expected two things: Be a good person. Don't die. I've accomplished both thus far, largely in spite of myself. My mom and I may not share the same definition of "good person" but...I'm pretty comfortable with that.
I think my mom is still hoping I'll settle down and start a family. Fuck that, I'm going to see the world.
Focus: Absolutely not, but not for the reason you're probably thinking (My dad thought it was total bullshit that I got sent to prison): He doesn't like my profession. I'm a mechanic, and at least once a year he'll have a talk with me that boils down to "When are you going to quit this mechanicin' nonsense and go back to college?", and try to convince me to sell all of my tools to finance it. Alt Focus: For some reason, my dad has this idea that I was destined to be a school district administrator. Why? I DON'T KNOW. It's the weirdest thing; when he goes into his "back to college" spiel, he says the same thing every time: "You could start teaching, and a fella as smart as you could be an administrator in no time!" Can you people imagine what I'd be like as a teacher? I'd be showing up to work high every day, and wouldn't even teach the curriculum (it's all bullshit in Texas, anyway); I'd just talk about whatever was on my mind at the time, like Dennis Miller's rants. Also, he doesn't seem to realize that no school district would touch me with my record (no matter how many times I've told him). These days, I just smile and nod when he gives me the talk. My mother died 20 years ago (smart move on her part), but she always had this incredibly vague expectation of me: She wanted me to be a "professional." When pressed about what a "professional" was, I got the generic "doctor/lawyer/CPA" answer. Once again, can you people imagine what I'd be like as a doctor, lawyer, or CPA? Alt. Alt. Alt. Focus: What do you expect of your kids, TiB members? I DO NOT want Li'l Bandit to follow in my footsteps. He really seems to be excelling in music (he plays cello and bass guitar, and he's getting paid for it), and he said that he'd like to teach music some day. As long as he's happy and reasonably successful, I'm happy, too.
Here's something not on the focus list, Things you are ashamed to tell your parents. I got a DUI in 2008 that I have never, ever told my Dad about. The repercussions would be long lasting, and biting. Sarcasm, disappointment, judgement, the whole gambit. I just couldn't deal with it, so I've never told him. Most of the rest of the family knows, and agrees that it would be best that he doesn't find out
Along that line, I spent 2 months in a coke-fueled orgy with 2 young strippers after I quit my job and had a shit-ton of money in the bank and 5 acres on a secluded lake. They moved in and it was a hell of an "anything goes" kind of scene for 2 months. Seriously. Anything Goes. After a few weeks it became a contest to see what they'd say "no" to. I think I won. It was a total Charley Sheen event, but without any TMZ coverage. As an older, out-of-shape guy, I'm amazed I lived, and for about 5 minutes of that, I honestly felt that I was OD'ing and having a heart attack or something. It was fucking intense. I know it was wrong, but I wouldn't give up that 2 months for anything. BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME.
I had good parents who never pressured me towards anything specific while at the same time were realistic and told me not to be an idiot who majors in philosophy. My dad gave me good advice before I left to college, which I largely ignored. Turned out ok as I think some lessons are better learned the hard way. My mom was more pessimistic and judgmental. She tends to have a fairly narrow minded world view. She's by far the most sexist and racist member of our family with very traditional beliefs, although she's changed a lot in the last 5 years or so. She still gives me career advice at every and any opportunity even though she has no idea what she's talking about. She was much more forceful towards my sisters. No guy was good enough and she didn't seem to give a shit about anything other than how much money they made and how able they were to financially support them to be a stay at home mom. One of my sisters is now engaged, and the other is dating the person she's 95% likely to marry, and will almost certainly be the bread winner. It took her awhile, but she seems to have accepted these things. The only thing my parents ever talked me out of was when I wanted to join the military after finishing high school. In retrospect I'm very glad they did. My dad (quite rightfully) had very little faith in the American government's foreign policy and told me if I wanted to join that opportunity would be there when I was a little older. I did consider it when I was older, but now that my brother's been a marine for the last few years and his marine experience is 80% of what he talks about I'm convinced it's a path that would not have led me anywhere other than paying for schooling. It makes sense for some people, but wouldn't have been right for me. Oh man, the Asian friends I had in high school. From a western perspective East Asian parenting is incredibly fucked up and most parents seem to place little to no consideration towards their kids fulfilling anything other than what they expected of them. One of the kids at our high school committed suicide for that reason. A lot of them were more than willing to beat the shit out of their kids for falling short of those expectations. Pretty sad to see.
Things my dad made me promise to him while I was growing up: - Don't dye my hair some unnatural color - Don't pierce anything other than my ears - Don't get a tattoo - Don't start writing dudes in jail - Don't move anywhere just because of a guy I've so far broken those first three promises and have no intention of breaking the last two. (Although when I later came back to ask him why he thought making me promise not to write guys in jail was necessary he vehemently denied ever saying that so I think I'm free to do so now.) The only times I've seen him really disappointed in me was when he found out about each tattoo and when I got my nose pierced. Mostly he's supportive of any career/dating/adventures I do and all the pressure comes from myself. There's been a general expectation that I'm going to be successful from my dad/teachers/friends/friend's parents since I was a little kid, so I'm the one beating myself up for not having published a book, or not being the editor-in-chief of some magazine, or not running the communications department of a museum or whatever and they're the ones bringing me back down to earth and telling me I'm way too young to do any of that stuff and am well on my way to doing that someday. And he didn't get married or have me until he was in his late thirties, so that's not kicking in yet either. He was doing much cooler shit than I am now when he was my age so he understands people in their twenties being a bit wayward.
Focus: I'm not sure what my parents expectations are of me, at least my dad anyway, my mom has none. I could be a homeless drug addict and she'd hardly flinch. Growing up the rules were basically go to college, get a bachelors and try to go to grad school. I think the biggest unspoken rule was don't knock someone up and lets not think if. For that reason I've been exceptionally careful with girls I've dated. I'd like to think I'm following in my dads footsteps. He didn't get his PhD until he was 34, and that worked out for him. I've got his intellect and aside from a family in my 20's, my career arc is following his. He did some odd jobs before getting his degree and that made him more committed later on, I feel like I've been experiencing the same thing. Working at the golf course last summer was kind of like him working at the Lipton factory, kind of showed us what we want and what we value. I always thought my twin would be successful like my dad. Now that he had a brain tumor he just hasn't recovered cognitively to the point he needs to. I kind of feel like I'm expected to succeed now. I have his intellect, aggression and drive, its a matter of me conquering my demons and staying focused.
Thats a tough one. Growing up my dad was very authoritarian with us (think Red Foreman with hair). But now that I'm adult, hes mellowed out completely over the years and I'm pretty open with him. I don't think there's much I wouldn't share with him, I dont have many skeletons. I probably didnt tell them about being suspended from school as much as I was since the school had my uncle's phone number when they called home and he had my back quite a bit. But I could easily share that with him now and it wouldnt matter. My mom on the other hand has delicate sensibilities and I probably wouldnt share with her much of my college experiences.
Focus: Do you live up to your parents' expectations of you? Do you follow in their footsteps? Live by their moral code? etc. I actually sat for a few minutes before I answered this. Honestly? I have no idea what my parents really expected of me (aside from the usual things parents want from their children, like, don't break the law, get a job, support yourself, etc). I don't follow in their footsteps at all because I'm not a falling down drunk like my father or fucking married men like my mother. My father, despite his addiction to the drink, has a work ethic like a Japanese beaver. He works in finance and pulls in at least 80+ hours a week, making ridiculous bank. I have inherited that from him, seeing as I have no issue putting in crazy hours at work. My 25 year old brother on the other hand, has never had a job and charges my parents for the chores he does. Considering my father and mother would browbeat me repeatedly to be employed since I was 14, I have yet to understand how my brother is allowed to be unemployed. Alt Focus: What weird ass shit did your parents expect of you? Pretty much accept that the inequitable treatment between me and my brother was normal. See above about how he's 25 with no employment, no college degree, and spends all of his money on Yankees tickets. If I ever did something so moronic, I would've been disowned. Alt Alt Focus: What weird ass shit have you done to make your parents proud? My father was not happy about my choice of criminal justice as a major. Then he wasn't happy when I chose to work unpaid as a parole officer for sexually violent predators to gain experience. When I finally got hired in law enforcement, he repeatedly told me I'd never make any money, and the risks of gang members braying for my blood was way too high. Now? The man can't tell enough people what I do for a living and has pictures of me, armed and in uniform, all over his house. If that wasn't enough, one afternoon I was telling him about a shit day I had at work (came up on a felon's house to do a field check and his 5 year old twin sons saw us and started screaming and crying to the point the mother said "They're not here to arrest Daddy, don't worry") and he paused, sighed, and said "Pink, I don't think I could ever do what you do for a living." That's about as big a compliment as I could ask for when it comes to my choice of profession. I guess that's not weird, per se. Oh, and let's not get into things my parents don't need to know about. I think my father would keel over if he found out his daughter likes to be the submissive in a master/slave relationship.
My parents expected me to be the best at whatever I did. And more often than not, I delivered. Lots of awards, lots of testing, poking, prodding, etc... blah blah blah. Ultimately, I know it only matters what my expectations are for myself. In that regard, if things ended tomorrow, I'd be ok. I've done some pretty awesome things. I've had a good ride. So since I judge me by my own standards, I'd say I'm a success. I'll take that.
Focus: More or less. According to them, all they ever wanted was for me to be happy. I think the reality is that they wanted me to follow the same path they took: Go to college, graduate with a degree in something like accounting, get a job, get married and stop working when I start popping out kids. I didn't really follow that path, but if they're disappointed they haven't told me. If anything, there was a weird dynamic growing up because my brother was so effortlessly intelligent. Like, 3rd in his class of 900+, Natl Merit Scholar, was accepted to a few Ivys but didn't study, etc. My parents always had high expectations of him because of his BRAINZ. When he graduated with "just" a bachelor's and no plans for any type of grad school, my parents were disappointed. His closest friends are now finishing up PhDs in science and math. "Why aren't you starting grad school? You could've done so much more." "Why are you only 3rd in your class? Why don't you take gym over summer school like X and Y? Then it wouldn't count towards your GPA and you could be 1st or 2nd." Their expectations for me were substantially lower. "Oh, you got another C in PreCal? Fine. Just as long as you're passing." They always pushed him to do more, be more because they expected a lot from him. I feel like I reached my goals and achievements because I believed in myself and pushed myself. My parents will deny it, but they certainly didn't believe in me and definitely didn't encourage me even as a young adult. That was all me (and my best friend who's like a sister). Alt Alt Focus: My employer. Pops is immensely proud of where I work. It has a great reputation, but it isn't the be-all, end-all of places. It's a workplace like any other one with pros and cons. It's a little embarrassing when he brags. What would make my parents ashamed? Probably all my slutty moments over the years. Or smoking weed through college. They would be upset if they knew that.
Focus: Do you live up to your parents' expectations of you? Do you follow in their footsteps? Live by their moral code? etc. I'd say for the most part I've lived up to my parents expectations. We weren't overly religious but there was a clear message of 'right vs. wrong' and above all else I was taught to use good manners and do right by my teachers, friends and family. When I look in the mirror I see a person who has (for the most part) done those things. I work hard, I'm a loyal friend, and I've lived an enjoyable and satisfying life up to this point. My parents never had this concrete vision in their minds of who I was supposed to be, or what I was supposed to do, which meant that I was free to do my own thing and they were both very supportive of my choices. Alt Focus: What weird ass shit did your parents expect of you? Ugh. To NOT have girls over when they weren't home. How unfair right? At least during my high school days. Alt Alt Focus: What weird ass shit have you done to make your parents proud? I got married in 2012 and divorced in 2014. My Dad was HAPPY when the papers were signed and I was legally single again. My ex and my Dad started off peacefully enough, but for whatever reason they just didn't get along very well, especially as things progressed. It's almost as if things got worse once my Mom had died. My Dad tried to get closer with my ex, and she just kind of fended him off and wouldn't open up. I can say with complete honesty that my Dad was ecstatic when I got divorced.
How has this never come up or been explained in more detail!? Need to hear about the genesis of it. FOCUS: My parents were never explicit in their expectations but doing well in school and having some sort of plan was always expected. My younger sister is a dance major and my dad became almost an accidental entrepreneur in his mid 30s due to job related hardships, so there was never a set plan they saw for us. Nearly flunking out of college after my freshman year and being forced to move back home for the first semester of sophomore year and going to a CC was even gilded with a "get your shit together, prove it to us, and you can do what you want". Graduating in 2008, trying to get into trading, the job market was rough and I got laid off twice within the first 15 months out of college and then took another shitty job and they were very supportive. As I've mentioned before, I now work for my Dad which he is really excited about because I rebelled at the thought of it for quite some time. Though it worked out as planned, I was able to do my own thing and come back on my terms at the time I wanted. My Dad HATES that my siblings and I have tattoos. He's very old fashioned in that way and has made silly comments about it making you unemployable or signifying poor judgement. But seeing as I have two degrees and work in an executive role for him, all while having multiple with more to come, he's likely seeing the error in his thinking.