"Revenge," as the Klingons say, "is a dish best served cold." Revenge is a base human instinct - when we are wronged, we want to lash out and avenge our suffering. Or the suffering of those close to us. FOCUS: Tell your stories of vengeance. Do you prefer the enemy to know that you have avenged yourself? Or, are you a sneaky ninja who destroys a victim while also being their shoulder to cry on?
It's spring, it's Friday, and it's late. I spent the past five minutes trying to explain to a smoking brunette how the show "Arrested Development" was the greatest gift to mankind since fire. She asks me what the word denouement means. This interaction will not end well. My pocket starts vibrating. I pull out the phone and look at the screen. Unknown caller. I respond with the usual cheerful greeting that I reserve for such telephone calls. "Who the fuck is calling me this late?" "Hey, is Saint there?" "Yeah, this is Saint. Who is this?" "Oh my God, this is Melissa! You'll never believe the kind of day I had. I was at the store earlier today and the weirdest thing happened. There was this guy and..." "Wait" "and he was pushing this cart with a little dog in it..." "Wha-" "and you will never believe what he had in the other cart..." Melissa had just shot off into a whole story about her day. I swear, it was impossible to get a word in edgewise. This girl could have out-talked an echo. Finally, I managed to interject. "Wait... how do I know you?" "Uh... I met you at that Vanderbilt party last Saturday." "Yeah, I was at Vandy last weekend, but I don't remember a Melissa." She paused for the first time in our entire conversation. When she finally replied, it was in a voice that could only be described as weird confluence between confusion and utter contempt. "Well, do you remember fucking me?" Whoa. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Either this girl was batshit insane or I had way too much fun last weekend and I didn't even remember it. "Wait... who did you say you were calling for again?" "This is Saint Tiller right?" "Uh. No." Haha. That bastard. "I'm sorry. You've got the wrong number." I've known Saint Tiller since high school. I would do anything for the guy. But apparently he has been going around recently giving my number out to girls he doesn't want to talk to anymore. He chose the wrong friend as an exit plan. "Wait, don't hang up yet. I'm sure he just made a mistake. Here, his number is 555-5555. I'm sure he would be glad to speak with you. Tell him I said hi." Karma can be a bitch.
My college diploma program started with about 40 people in it and by the end enough people had dropped out to the point where the class size was 11. My friends had all left so for our final group project of the entire diploma I got paired with the weird kid who wasn't very talented. I didn't give too much thought to this because I'm actually pretty good at programming (the subject at hand) so I went with it and working solo was not an option. So I do 80% of the work, fix some of his segment as well, and everything runs fine, it's not pretty but I'll take it. I get called in just before exams start and find out he googled his segment and pasted it in, which is why I had to fix it in the first place (fucked up variable names). Luckily the profs realized that I was not a fuckup, and he was (especially because of the very obvious difference in coding styles) and gave me a chance to write a makeup exam for the project instead of just failing me (the partner was expelled). That's not good enough for me so I got his girlfriend to blow me, filmed it, and sent him it.
Hold on, expand. You can't just back door with that statement and then leave. You gave the best part of the story the smallest amout of space.
I leased a condo from a lady who couldn't help but break into the place whenever she pleased, lie about it, and then follow up by doing something crazy-vindictive, like haul your smoker out to the trash because association code forbade unsightly objects in the common areas or some such. Of course, it was the smoker that fed everyone on Sunday afternoons when more than half of the building was sitting around outside (there were a total of six units in the whole building), but all of a sudden it was an issue. She was a toxic woman with more ghosts than any rational person can collect. We're talking, show up at the closing table for someone else's real estate deal and try to collect a few hundred dollars as a finder's fee crazy, which is exactly what she did when anyone in the building sold their unit. If someone threatened any type of legal action, she'd counter by filing for a restraining order or attempt to place a lien on the property. Anything, anything that she could do to make life miserable. This is important to remember. When we parted ways, I wound up moving across the breezeway into a neighbor's place. Once I was out of her condo, she began sending certified mail to me saying that I owed something like $4,500 in damages. I ignored it, knowing that there wasn't much that she could do about it, but after all of her bullshit, it did give many people enough motivation to go after her. Rather than set her car on fire (discussed), place a venomous snake in her mailbox (Discussed. Snake caught. Moccasin.), or any one of a number of quasi-violent and illegal acts, we stumbled upon the active warrant for her arrest. A former business partner and boyfriend seemed to have filed a restraining order against her, which she promptly violated and resulted in an active warrant. Several people worked very closely with the county sheriff to pin her down long enough for them to show up and slap cuffs on her ass. Watching her through the window of that police car is forever etched in my mind. It's fun being on the outside of the car.
I thnk I posted about this in another thread, but a roommate freaked out to things/rules I discussed with him 3 months in advance (girlfriend visiting, food sharing, fridgerator space, having people over). He moved out causing me to have to either let a drug dealer move into my dorm and inevitably have stuff go missing or $800. I paid, and then proceded to have him and this this other guy talk about pissing on my door, dumping water over my head when I went into the bathroom to shit, taking my clothes out the communal bathroom when I went to shower, fucking up my bike outside, blasting music when I tried to sleep, all of that. So I struck first, and I tend to overreact to threats. My roommate lost a tooth when he was younger from eating too much candy and not brushing. He developed a obsession with oral hygeine. This guy went through jugs of mouthwash and vats of toothpaste. If he ate even a potato chip, he'd go, floss, mouthwash, and brush his teeth. So I beat off to some good old DVD porn on his toothbrush and after drinking two large glasses of water to make sure it was clear, pissed in his freshly opened mouthwash. The other guy was into his hair, we had signs all over the communal bathroom that said "Don't leave your stuff in here." I joked that someone would get their shampoo pissed in. He never listened and he left his whole bathroom caddy in there. I swirled two of his toothbrushes in a toilet someone else already pissed in, a rich yellow color. Then I personally pissed in both his shampoo and conditioner. They never found out, until I sent them Facebook messages, a day after the last day of the year. One was full of rage and anger, the other one was some stupid poem about evil acts killing your soul. Good times.
There's surprisingly little story, she was already a cheater he just didn't know. It took two skype conversations worth of effort, me mentioning I was 6'5, and had my own car that wasn't my parents
I've told this story on here before but fuck it. When I was a freshmen in college and living in the dorms, we used to do as freshmen do and drink in the dorms. One night one of our "friends" (that guy nobody fucking likes) was loud as hell while drunk which caused several of my friends to get ticketed for minor in possession. Naturally, we were all really pissed. So, we took a tray from the dining hall, pissed in it, and froze it in my friend's mini freezer. We then slid the tray (upside down) under his door. The piss melted leaving his floor soaked and reeking of urine.
I has told silly tales of blood, motor oil and burning people alivebut nothing brings out evil pranks like camping up here. It's dark, everybody is vulnerable and FUCKED. UP. High, drunk, in the middle of nowhere the only thing left to do is fuck with your friends and make their night hell. It's the right thing to do. Friends going camping, nothing is taboo. From throwing pinecones at one's head while he's mistified on mushrooms, random drunken wrestling to body-checking each other into the campfire. One August 1st weekend, a friend-of-a-friend on our sight who got maggot drunk on Wild Turkey thought a funny prank to pull n me would be to pull my tent pegs while I'm sleeping and put the boots to be. A beating, essentially. I guess in his haze it would appear smart to lock himself in his car, that way he can lock himself in to sleep and I can't fulfill my wish of scooping out his eyeballs.My revenge on this one was blind luck. I had a roll of warehouse-sized packing cling wrap. When he went sleepy-sleep, I wrapped 300 fucking feet of that thing around his car. The incredible Hulk could not break out of it if he was shooting up with Lance Armstrong inside. And up came that Mid-summer morning sun. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Yeah, with an entire bottle of Wild Turkey hangover and no ventilation whatsoever. I showed great mercy,cutting the layers and letting him out of the car after he said "I'm so very fucking sorry" about 73 times. Don't ambush me, kids. It's coming back on you, and it's the one true mean bone I have in my body.
Freshman year of college, I lived down the hall from a kid who was a unrepentant douchebag who loved to fuck with everyone. He ran the gamut of stealing people's food and drinks, to breaking shit, trying to download ridiculous shit onto people's computers, to just being an generally annoying fuckstick. Well midway through the first semester, my family came to visit and my then 7 year old sister came back from the bookstore with my parents with a stuffed animal version of my school's mascot. It was a really cute gesture and I set it on my desk. Well this assbag starts mocking me immediately, calling me a pussy, etc... I shrug it off because if loving your sibling who is still a little kid at the time makes you a pussy, then so be it, I totally am. Well, later in the week, he goes into my room when my roommate had left the door cracked, stole the stuffed animal and proceeded to brag to everyone around how he was going to "make me cry like a bitch." I was coming back from class as it was happening and my neighbor across the hall who was a HUGE football player told me not to worry about it and stalked down the hall. There was a mild argument and some scuffling noises and he came back with it and informed me that the fucker had scissors out and was in the process of cutting the thing apart. Now that isn't funny or amusing, more or less makes him a messed up individual. Well, Thanksgiving break was coming up so I bided my time. He was leaving earlier than most to go home. So as he was packing, I filled up more or less an entire 20 oz gatorade bottle with steaming urine and waited. He went to the bathroom with his door open and his suitcase packed by the door. I slipped in, left the bottle uncapped under his bed and slipped back down the hall. He came back, closed the door, and left for the next 5 days. He came back to a room that smelled horrific. Think of how bad your bathroom smells if you leave urine in the toilet over night...yeah. I think he had to throw away his sheets. He ended up getting kicked out of our dorm right before winter break for starting a fight with one of the RAs. I'm sure he's an assistant manager at a Red Lobster some where. Sure it was immature, but fuck it, I was 18. To this day, whenever I'm fucking with my friends, I threaten to pee bottle them
Last weekend my brothers were in town and we were all at my folkses place up north, on the second morning baby bro and I were scoring points off each other over lunch, I was winning, little fucker leaned over when I wasn’t watching pinched a tuft of my chest hair and yanked it out, if you’re a hairy mammal you know how much this would have hurt. Punching him in the face wasn’t an option because we were at a restaurant, I had to bide my time. Later that evening we were having drinks back at the folks place, they have a fairly large pond that the rear deck half wraps around, it’s pretty green and manky at this time of year. Little bastard left his beer unattended, I refilled it with festy pond water. He said it tasted “like a slightly off prawn with the poop chute still intact”.
When I was a freshman in high school, one of my friend's parents left him and his older brother home alone over a long weekend to go to a funeral in Arizona. Monday rolls around and my friend is having panic attacks about what will happen when his mom gets home, from a funeral no less, to see the hideous mess older brother has made. We rallied a few people together, and went over after school to try and do some damage control before his parents got home that evening. The place was TRASHED, beer bottles and dirty dishes everywhere. So we spent the whole afternoon throwing out trash, doing all the scary dishes and mopping the floors. But every time we came across a particularly disgusting glass of something curdled or festering, we hid it in older brother's room. I don't know if you've ever seen/smelled a 3-day-old white russian, but it's pretty awful. Friend's parents came home to a spotless house and dinner on the stove, causing his mom to burst into tears of relief, and elevating us to best-teenagers-ever status, and older brother spent the next week or so searching for the 10 or so foul-smelling cups of curdled milk and stale beer we had tucked in the deepest darkest corners of his sty.