Adult Content Warning

This community may contain adult content that is not suitable for minors. By closing this dialog box or continuing to navigate this site, you certify that you are 18 years of age and consent to view adult content.

Letting you down gently

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Dcc001, Dec 15, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. whatisinaname

    whatisinaname
    Expand Collapse
    Hoping to be even a fraction of the man Jim is.

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    202
  2. Aetius

    Aetius
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    774
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    8,461
    P(Being killed | you rejected a guy) < P(Being killed | you rejected a guy & you lied to his face about it). No matter what the situation is, lying to someone in a way that they're expected to figure out makes things worse.

    After overhearing two sorority girls tearing a guy to shreds behind his back for violating the "never double text" rule, there is no way I'm going to condemn a guy for letting shit go after you don't respond to a text.
     
  3. Harry Coolahan

    Harry Coolahan
    Expand Collapse
    Disturbed

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2010
    Messages:
    329
    Girls like that are idiots, who could bother pursuing someone that shallow anyway.

    I understand that rejecting someone is chiefly on the party that is rejecting, but on the other hand: Seriously, be a fucking man. Do you know how I get around this whole dilemma? By being direct and clearly stating my intentions. None of that flirty bullshit, no ambiguous open-ended offers of "hey maybe we could hang out at some point and do something lol" which can be sidestepped or misinterpreted. e.g. I met my current girlfriend after a one-night stand. The next day I traded a few polite texts with her. Then later that week I decided I wanted to see her again, so I sent her a text that said, "I had a great time with you last weekend and I'd love to take you out for drinks this Friday." I challenge any woman to skirt around either clearly accepting that or not.
     
  4. 31stday

    31stday
    Expand Collapse
    Village Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2010
    Messages:
    10
    But...they were right. That's the point. If a girl doesn't text you back or call you back, you better believe she's not into you. Some guys might want to figure out what was wrong, but for all we know these guys were dating other girls and said, "Fuck, if she doesn't think I'm worth her time, she's not worth mine."

    Anyway,

    Focus:
    I was just doing random shit with this girl trying to create a spark of interest but I realized it was going nowhere. I told her I just wanted to be friends which seemed to work fine, although truthfully I wasn't that into being friends with her because she was kind of and idiot. Of course, she had to take it a step further and asked "Are we actually going to remain friends or are you going to treat me like I don't exist?". Me, being the asshole honest guy I am, responded, "Probably will treat you like you don't exist for a week or so. Maybe after that I'll think about talking to you." She wasn't too impressed but I couldn't give a shit. Funny story though is that I walked by her next day in a hallway and she just gave me a death stare, but I was just giggling because of how unbelievably awkward it was.

    Alt Focus:

    Right before the previous story I was going for a girl who was giving mixed signals. She'd text me saying she couldn't do stuff for various reasons, usually including her already having plans with her friends, but then I'd see her at a party and she'd start chatting me up. Eventually I asked her out and she said "I don't think that'd be too good of an idea". This did not please me so I responded, "Alright that's too bad for you." and I haven't talked to her since. I probably could've done that better, but hey if a girl isn't in to me fuck her.
     
  5. Sam N

    Sam N
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    951
    Location:
    texas

    By hallway, I'm guessing you mean a high school hallway.
     
  6. RCGT

    RCGT
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    1,769
    Location:
    wandern
    Basically. You sound really invested in these relationships. Not. You never heard from them again? Did they hear from you, is the question that comes to mind. I wouldn't have texted back either.
     
  7. Rush-O-Matic

    Rush-O-Matic
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    1,307
    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2009
    Messages:
    12,101
    I can't understand why these two words would be used next to each other. Explain yourself.
     
  8. SierraMercury

    SierraMercury
    Expand Collapse
    Lurker

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2010
    Messages:
    1
    I have tried to think of the way I would want to be rejected if someone gave me the choice and it is hard. Rejection is a negative thing so to say “nicely reject” seems to be a bit of oxymoron.

    I think we would all want a straight forward answer because A) it does not waste our time with waiting on texts to be answered or phone calls to be returned B) is final and usually l means the person had some ounce of respect for you because they did not agree to a date/relationship then do the ole’ “ignore and avoid”. But let’s be real, even then it is going to hurt if you were really into the person.

    I think the most honest/best rejection I ever gotten was a guy saying “I don’t think we are heading in the same direction in life.” I was devastated because I really liked the guy but at least I knew. And I do think I recover faster than had he done anything else.

    The funniest reject I ever got was after a guy stopped calling and texting and just disappeared. I ran into him later and he said he was A) scared of my ex and who we had seen out one night and B)he hated that I put on these huge (but very comfortable) denim shorts after we had sex to lay back in the bed. “A” may have been a legitimate reason but why he even brought up “B” was funny…but I did throw the shorts away.

    The rejections I am least proud of are the ones where I myself accepted then did the “ignore and avoid”s because it made me feel like a coward…which I guess I was. The one I am most proud of was when I told this guy “Sorry this just quit being fun”
     
  9. NickAragua

    NickAragua
    Expand Collapse
    Average Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2009
    Messages:
    67
    Location:
    Near Lake Titikaka
    It's an oxymoron. A literary device used to convey a certain point.

    FOCUS:

    Yeah, just tell the guy directly that you're not interested. Don't worry about sparing feelings, uncertainty is a lot worse than just a plain old 'no'. Including for you, because you might have to deal with a guy standing outside your window breathing heavily, sneaking around your desk collecting loose hairs to eventually make a sweater or just calling you fifteen times a day. Plus, wouldn't you feel bad if you were even a little ambiguous and left the poor dude hanging? I know I wish I was more direct with some of the girls with whom I needed to break it off.

    ALT FOCUS:

    The most hilarious (in retrospect) time I did the rejection, I did so unintentionally. Back in high school, I was approached by a girl on behalf of her less-than-attractive friend (she had buck teeth!). I was pretty sure it was some sort of prank at my expense, so I just told her 'no' with a 'get the hell away from me' look on my face as I sped up the walking pace. I didn't really have a good answer for 'why', but at that point, my fight or flight instinct had kicked in and I was sprinting up the stairs with a 30-pound backpack bouncing merrily on my back.

    Thinking about it later, it probably wasn't a prank. But that's ok, she had buck teeth, and I suspect we had nothing in common anyway (this was before girls admitted to playing video games and before I was interested in other things).
     
  10. LatinGroove

    LatinGroove
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    9
    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2010
    Messages:
    584
    Location:
    Texas
    Honestly it's gone both ways for me which is why I send a text maybe a day or two later. If then nothing, I'll move on. I don't like leaving things ambiguous.

    I'm also the type of person who disregards the bullshit "wait three days rule", so I can't say I'm really in the majority when it comes to this type of thing.
     
  11. shauncorleone

    shauncorleone
    Expand Collapse
    Experienced Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2009
    Messages:
    238
    As with most of these things, context is crucial. If I meet a girl at a bar, I'll give it two to three days depending on how good the connection is. If I meet someone through a friend, at a concert or some other event, and especially if we have a decently long conversation the first time we meet, I have no problem calling the next day to make plans. A brief meeting followed by an immediate call might show a little desperation, but if you've had a chance to develop a legitimate spark, there's no reason not to show you're interested.

    I do typically follow the "no double-texting" rule, unless it's a girl I'm really interested in. If I don't get a response from a basic "what are you up to?" text, I'll wait about a week, try calling, and if there's no answer I write off the loss. I have no interest in wearing someone down until they're attracted to me. Talk about work.

    FOCUS:
    I'm not big on trying to charm anyone. If I disarm with anything, it's humor. Don't get me wrong, I'm not terrible looking, but I don't pretend to be smooth when IRL I'm an obnoxious ass. Several years ago I stopped worrying about saying the wrong thing and would prefer to offend than be uncomfortable. I try to be perceptive, but you females are tricky. My favorite move from the opposite is when, mid-conversation, she purposely mentions "my boyfriend" once or twice. Yes, I get it, you're seeing someone. Sounds like quite an accomplishment. Now I'm going to decide whether to call you on this lameness immediately or have fun with it.
    Women have to understand: To us, there is absolutely NO difference in appearance between when you're attracted to us or when you're being friendly/nice or just enjoying the free shit/attention. We're so glad you're talking to us, and we've already mentally played out at least a half dozen NSFW scenarios. Life should be a stoplight party. It would make things much simpler.

    ALT FOCUS:
    Who hasn't been rejected, ever? I don't remember specifics, but the handful of times (maybe 3) I've actually been told "no thanks" or "I don't think so", I've been completely floored and taken aback. Of course there's more of an initial sting, but I make it a point to thank them for their direct response. I do have a bad tendency to ask why, though, to try to get some insight. I don't know why I think I'm going to get a logical explanation. Glutton for punishment, this one.
     
  12. tweetybird

    tweetybird
    Expand Collapse
    Experienced Idiot

    Reputation:
    30
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    244
    Location:
    SF
    Ok, buddy, then riddle me this: what the fuck exactly am I supposed to do? If I shut you down as soon as you approach, I'm a vapid whore who thinks she's so hot every man is trying to hit on her. If I try to subtly drop that I'm taken to cradle your fragile ego, I'm a lame laughingstock. If I don't tell you I'm taken, I'm a frigid bitch who's leading you on for her own twisted amusement. Dammed if I do, don't, or half-ass it.

    Seriously, if someone could just tell me the right way to let a guy know I'm taken without him getting all butthurt, I would do it. I don't like pissing people off or being mean for no reason, but I'm happily married and interested in staying that way. (Please note: the seemingly obvious rock on my finger has not made this problem go away.)

    Fucking dude logic.
     
  13. cpt0

    cpt0
    Expand Collapse
    Village Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2010
    Messages:
    43
    Location:
    l'osstidhood
    Alt focus : She's been talking all night about all kinds of racy subjects ( including bj technique, positions, that she wants dick, etc) and now we're headed to her place to "watch movies". On the way there, a minor argument snowballs and ends with me going :"I can't believe you do something as shitty as call and book a fuckfriend right in front of me" and her doing exactly that.

    But it's not all! She still wanted me to come over to her place, to choose the outfit she was gonna go and fuck the other guy in. And she was being cuddly and shit too.

    I wisely chose not to go. Went to a friend's party instead. It took about two hours before someone got the guts to come and ask me what the fuck happened to make me so angry ( I barely said 5 words before sitting down with a drink and just replaying the exchange in my mind).
     
  14. Mexicutioner

    Mexicutioner
    Expand Collapse
    Disturbed

    Reputation:
    9
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    383
    Location:
    Las Vegas
    As far as the shitting where you eat, I was hooking up with a crazy chick that I worked with at a sandwich shop while I was going to college. I was 19 she was 18 but she was out of her fucking mind. Anyways once I started seeing someone else she went absolutely apeshit and made my life hell at work and even tried getting me fired. Made me think twice about rvrt getting involved at a job I actually cared about in the future.
     
  15. shauncorleone

    shauncorleone
    Expand Collapse
    Experienced Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2009
    Messages:
    238
    I never said it wasn't the right way to do. Get off the defensive. Only saying I get a kick out of it, and I'm likely going to have fun with it.

    Oh nevermind, I see you answered your own question.

    There is no right way, just as there's no right way to tell your SO he/she has put on weight. We live in an emasculated society where most guys would have an emotional breakdown if you rejected them directly. They take it all personally.
     
  16. Frank

    Frank
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    6
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    3,351
    Location:
    Connecticut
    My GF's dad bought her mom personal training lessons as a present one time, it went over surprisingly well.
     
  17. Psychodyne

    Psychodyne
    Expand Collapse
    Experienced Idiot

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    186
    Location:
    State of Hockey
    Try not to care. It's really the only thing you can do. You cannot control how a person is going to react....that's on them. The only thing you can do is be as forthright as you feel comfortable with. It would be nice if most guys could take it like a man when you say "Oh, thanks, but I'm married, so no." but some won't. Still, however they act is not your problem.

    People seem to get way too jazzed up about getting turned down. Why is that? I'd much rather know that someone isn't into me immediately, then to be given a pity date. I don't even need a reason. A "not interested" is a "not interested" no matter what logic (or lack there of) is behind it. Be gracious and move on. A simple "Okay, thanks." after getting turned down is a simple and fine response. Why is this so complicated?

    I’ve been turned down many times, and my offer has been accepted many times. Although I was a little shocked once, when I walked up to a woman to ask if she’d like a drink. “Hi, could I buy yo-“ and her immediate reply was “not a chance” with her hand held up, and looking me dead in the eye like I just punched her in the boob. So I did the most suave and mature thing I could think of. I made a sniffing motion toward my armpits, looked her back in the eye, shrugged my shoulders, said “huh”, and walked away.

    Yeah, I’m all class.
     
  18. shauncorleone

    shauncorleone
    Expand Collapse
    Experienced Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2009
    Messages:
    238
    I've experienced the same thing, and my response was similar, if you remove the sniffing, shrugging and replace what you said with the sincerest "Well thank you for being polite, cunt". I try to be playful in all my interactions, but I will be downright evil when confronted by someone who should be put in their place. My friends know I go for the early round knockout when it comes to any contentious conversation.
     
  19. Durbanite

    Durbanite
    Expand Collapse
    Eeyore

    Reputation:
    39
    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2009
    Messages:
    1,145
    Location:
    Weymouth, U.K. (formerly Durban, South Africa)
    Like many others here, I'd take brutal and honest. In the past, I haven't flipped out in front of the other person (I'm pretty well used to rejection at this point in my life, since it follows me like a lion stalking a wounded wildebeest. Ahem.). I usually say something like, "Well, thanks for being direct.", and moved on with my drink in my hand, although I do usually proceed home soon after that since I definitely don't have the self-confidence to attempt anything again that night, nor do I have the mental fortitude to tolerate my friends' continuous ripping on me for failing with the girl.

    I think we all know I don't bother anymore and that most of my (now former) friends suck.
     
  20. TheExtortionist

    TheExtortionist
    Expand Collapse
    Village Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    May 31, 2010
    Messages:
    11
    Location:
    With your mom
    Working together NEVER gets in the way if you really like someone. Fuck it, the real reason you don't want to do anything with the guy is because he freaks you out or he is pathetic or ugly. Your "we work together and that is shitting where you eat" is bullshit. There is your great excuse.

    FOCUS: I say, "I am really flattered, but I'm already seeing someone." That usually works, but if they push the issue, you might have to get tough and say, FUCK YOU, I'M NOT INTERESTED. Usually when a guy tells a woman they are seeing someone, women have enough common sense to take the hint. Women typically have to push the issue with men. we are dumb and can never take the first NO for an answer.

    Alt Focus: Rejection is part of the game. You always have to take the rejection to get to a conquest. Getting with someone isn't easy. The easiest rejections to get over are when they already have someone. I usually say, is there any room for improvement? If they say no, Im off like a prom dress. If they say yes, a couple of drink down and you could be going home with them. I have never really been rejected harshly. The only time was in a bar when I was really hammered. THese 2 hot lesbians (yes, they are lesbians in my mind because I was rejected so harshly, fuck you) were dancing together. I said, "can I dance with you, I must be in heaven." One of the chicks pushed me out of the way and said, "with you here, we are in hell."
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.