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Letting you down gently

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Dcc001, Dec 15, 2010.

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  1. Dcc001

    Dcc001
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    New Bitch On Top

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    I was recently asked out by a guy I work with. He caught me completely off guard, and we have a tentative date planned for next week. Personally, I think dating someone you work with is akin to shitting where you eat, and nothing good can come of this. He's a nice guy, and different circumstances might lead to a different situation, but all-in-all it's an unwise choice to go out with him.

    FOCUS: How do you let someone down easy? Do you have any good on-liners that let the person know, "Thanks, but no thanks," and still keep a civil relationship with them?

    ALT FOCUS: Have you been rejected? Were they nice about it, or did you pull a Tobias Funke and go and sit in the shower, biting on a washcloth to stifle the sobs?
     
  2. DrFrylock

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    No more threads about cuddling? I like cuddling.

    You can't let someone down easily. You can only minimize the cruelty you're inflicting. You can't even really eliminate it, just minimize it. The best way to do this is to be firm and resolute, even if it seems harsher up-front. If they think they've still got a chance with you, it's endless torture for them (even while you're likely oblivious). If you give them an excuse like:

    "Oh, you know, I really do possibly want to satisfy your every fantasy that you've already had about me, but it's just that we...you know...work together..."

    That's the worst thing you can do. If a guy is REALLY into you, he's thinking something like this:

    1. She doesn't want to go out. She's just using the "work together" thing as an excuse to let me down easy.
    2. But maybe she's not. Maybe she really doesn't want to go out with me just because we work together. I still have a shot here.
    3. But I like my job. I don't really want to quit. I wonder if she is going to quit. That way I can keep my job AND go out with her.
    4. But what if she gets asked out by some other guy who doesn't work here between now and the time she quits. I could lose my only chance!
    5. She's blown this whole "working together" thing out of proportion. Maybe if I wear her down enough, she will remove that dating restriction.
    6. Too many variables. I don't like this job anyway. I'll quit. I have to wait long enough so it doesn't seem obvious that I'm quitting just to have a shot with her. Now where did I stash my resume on my hard drive...

    Rejected? Oh, yes, in many ways. There are the implicit rejections received from most all the women I met in a long educational career in that I had zero chance with any of them and I knew it. I was the Foursquare Mayor of the Friend Zone for a really long time. Fortunately I knew better than to torment myself over it, but it's still not a good place to be.

    Then there were the explicit rejections. Three, to be precise. One was a "meh" after a mediocre blind date. The other two, though...sigh. My washcloths still have the teethmarks. They were both chewed many times over many years.
     
  3. Fracas

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    Focus: It's pretty much impossible. If you're on a date you don't really want to be on, spout off every awful thought you've ever had about anything, constantly quote DMX, and then propose something you just found on Urban Dictionary. They'll probably leave you in peace and never call you again. If they're still around, well, fuck, maybe it's time to rethink this.

    When co-workers are involved, it's way too sticky for me to get into. I'd stay the fuck out of that in the first place. Unless we're working way overtime and the bars are closed.

    Alt Focus: "Fracas, I'm really glad you trudged through the snow to meet me in this awful frat bar, and I'm really glad you finally confessed your true feelings for me. That was really cute. But I like being single, and dating a lot of guys at once. And, by the way, I have chlamydia. Oh no! You're not MAD, are you?"
     
  4. Aetius

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    Congratulations, you've already fucked up rejected him by, y'know, accepting his invitation. The total opposite of rejecting him.

    I'm continually amazed at how otherwise intelligent women become complete morons when it comes to rejecting a guy. There exists some mass delusion that there is some magic way to communicate a lack of interest without communicating a lack of interest. Do you give hobos fake money so you can avoid giving them money without them thinking you avoided giving them money? No? Because that would be utterly asinine and retarded? Well then, now you're onto something.

    Just say you're not interested. You don't have to be a dick about it, or go into it, just treat it as a statement of fact. Easiest rejection I ever got was "not really" when I asked if she'd like to go out sometime. No wasted time or feeling on either end.
     
  5. DrFrylock

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    Affirmative.

    Also, don't wait like three months and then ask this guy to come over to your house to fix your computer out of the blue, and then have your new boyfriend pick you both up and drive you to your house. When you get there, don't be making out on your couch with your new boyfriend while this guy is over in the corner fixing your computer. Then don't have your new boyfriend drop the computer fixit guy off while saying what a cool guy he is for coming over to help his new girlfriend.

    Not that this has ever happened to me, or anything.

    Just saying.

    In case it comes up.
     
  6. moddiddle

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    I like the phrase "just being honest with you" and then say something to the extent of how you just don't want to get his hopes up/give him the wrong impression/mislead/(or the actual truth of how) you don't want to shit where you eat etc. Be 100% serious and firm here. If you choose to lie (and I think this harder to do) you could also make something up to the extent "I have some personal issues I need to deal with (for now?)." If asked what those issues are, simply say they "are personal". If he goes berserk on you, there's a good chance he would've done that in any situation.

    seems to me that there's a tiny hint of a reason why you said yes to him and a little part of you that wants to date him.

    Alt-Alt Focus: It's a everyone's personal decision as what they wish to risk for relationships, but sometimes playing it safe isn't always the way to go. It's been said that you shouldn't date the following, each with it's own reason: your friends, your coworkers, from the gym, from class, from church, from parties/clubs/bars, from the internet, your neighbors/roommates. While I'll agree with the last one, no situation is foolproof and there are some reasons why dating from work could be a better idea than dating from another venue.
     
  7. hotwheelz

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    Sometimes I just want to give you a hug and bake you cookies.
     
  8. Queen-Bee

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    Holy Mr. French Fry, even hotwheelz is trying to friend zone you!
     
  9. JoeCanada

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    "...and then I just sat in the kitchen eating the cookies while Hotwheelz made out with his new girlfriend on the couch."
     
  10. Kubla Kahn

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    I never quite got weight people put on the don't shit where you eat concept. I have had one work relationship melt down that could be used as strong evidence for it. Other than that I have had a handful of girls that Ive hung out with and hooked up with that never went any further but didn't prove disastrous when we stopped hanging out. One girl was amazing and could have been something really special if she hadn't decided to quit and moved abroad.

    Im with the people that say be short and honest, not as in brutal, but just easy. A quick "no I am not interested" will give you a little jolt to your stomach but that uneasy feeling goes away a lot faster than the couple of string along go nowhere dates.
     
  11. Ubenhiton

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    Anti-Focus: With people spending more and more time at work it is no wonder relationships form. If you think things might be different outside of the office then obviously you feel he is up to your standards. Stressing over the fact that you work together is not a big deal when both people have even the slightest hint of adulthood in them. I have fucked/dated many chicks I worked with. Some lasted 1 night some lasted 6 years and still going.
     
  12. JProctor

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    The best type of rejections, other than a straight "no," are the ones that people would like to give themselves.

    Note how many people here list the reasons they got rejected as "too much of an asshole/partied and drank too hard/constantly mocked her less intelligent friends." Note how few list the reasons as "too fat/dumb/ugly/lazy." Now, think about the reasons you have rejected people. Something skews, doesn't it? People tend to believe comforting reasons whenever possible. So, use that to your advantage.

    I learned this trick when a girl (whose body language indicated she didn't even enjoy kissing me) claimed we should stop seeing each other because she wasn't into the level of kink I was. Was it a lie? Probably. Could I convince myself it might be true to soften the blow? You betcha.

    If you want to spare the work guy's feelings, pick out something that he's proud about himself (dedication to a hobby, for example) and explain that you know over the long term, you will never be on the same page in that regard. If he wants to argue about it, fuck him, he deserves a harsh rejection.
     
  13. Volo

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    Just tell him you're not interested. One of two things will happen. He'll man the fuck up and accept it, and perhaps even appreciate your honesty, or he'll act like a punk bitch and hate you for it. If it's the latter, he'll probably end up avoiding you at work because he's a wiener, so you're problem is solved.

    All jokes aside, don't over think it. Just get it done. One of my first girlfriends, after three years of dating, sat me down one day and flat out told me that she was interested in someone else and wanted to split up. That was it. No frills, no gimmicks. Yeah, it hurt. Hurt like a sonovabitch. But, she was upfront and honest, and I can respect that. She didn't string me along, she didn't try to sugarcoat it. One of the best breakups I've ever had, to be deadly honest.

    To give an example of a bad rejection, I submit the following story for your approval:

    I met a girl at work, this lovely little redhead named Liz. I asked her out after a couple days of shameless flirting, and took her out for dinner at a nice restaurant near my place. Dinner went smooth, food was good, conversation was great, but once I paid the bill she dropped the bomb. Apparently, she is a lesbian.

    Now that is a bullshit move.
     
  14. Luke 217

    Luke 217
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    I'm glad that I'm not the only one that happens to. It's cosmically strange how many lesbians I ask out. Where are all the straight girlz? Amirite?
     
  15. scotchcrotch

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    The shitting where you eat excuse is lame and a complete lie. I guarantee if Davey Jones, or whoever is on the current cover of Tiger Beat asked you out you'd say "yes" or at the very least fuck them. Don't patronize him/her, just say you're not interested.



    I've only rejected females rudely one time-

    I was walking to a bar one night in Buckhead and a car pulls up with two girls across the way with them yelling for me to come over. I should have known right away if girls are cat-calling a guy like they're construction workers, something's wrong with them. I walk up to the car and they turn on their cabin light:

    The "girl" in the passenger seat was easily 300 pounds. Easily. Her belly was resting on the arm rest and she looked like she needed a few shots of insulin.

    The driver was ok at first. She was mediocre looking, frizzled hair, but for some reason she talked to me from the left side of her face. She wouldn't turn it. She eventually figured out I wasn't being fooled and I saw what she was hiding- a herpes/cold sore that consumed half her face. It looked like she got shot in the lip with a paintball.


    I can picture myself in the third person walking up to the car. A smirk turns to a look of nausea as I slowly realize the contents of that car. After surveying both creatures, I tell them I a) have a bad back and b) am not interested in adding to my collection of STDs and walk away.
     
  16. LatinGroove

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    FOCUS: How do you let someone down easy? Do you have any good on-liners that let the person know, "Thanks, but no thanks," and still keep a civil relationship with them?

    Quit being such a pussy. Just tell them you're not interested. It kind of sucks, but most men don't take it personal and move on. The girl I went out on a date with a few months ago said she wasn't interested in dating me and we still remain friends and still hang out on occasion (with no weirdness on either part).

    ALT FOCUS: Have you been rejected? Were they nice about it, or did you pull a Tobias Funke and go and sit in the shower, biting on a washcloth to stifle the sobs?[/quote]

    Any guy worth his salt has been rejected NUMEROUS times. Any guy who says he hasn't is full of shit. For me, sometimes it was a quick no thanks I'm not interested. I appreciate and respect those women for being upfront. Then there are other times like when I stuck my hand out to ask a girl to dance and she said "Please don't touch me." It's the second type that piss me off. Not because I got rejected, but the way they say it. They say it like they were raised by animals and have no fucking tact or politeness.
     
  17. lhprop1

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    If you're not feeling up to being honest with the dude, you could always send him a link to this post. <a class="postlink-local" href="http://www.theidiotboard.com/viewtopic.php?p=83087#p83087" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">viewtopic.php?p=83087#p83087</a>

     
  18. JGold

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    FOCUS: I agree with what's been said, but come on, people. We Idiots aren't as perfect as we pretend to be through our online personas. I've rejected plenty of girls in my life, and it's fucking hard, especially if they're genuinely a nice person. The best route is to say directly, "I'm not interested," but that takes balls a lot of people simply don't have. Not to mention, everyone's different. Does this guy seem to have his shit together, could he take such point-blank rejection? Or is he likely to be angry, or seriously hurt, or even vindictive? Read the person, and decide your course of action from there. The only two set-in-stone rules I have are don't give hope when there is none, and don't ignore the person, because that's the worst possible thing you can do. But also the easiest.

    ALT. FOCUS: Me? Rejected? HA!

    No, but seriously, I'm a pretty perceptive person. I don't think I've ever had a girl just be up front and say "Sorry, I'm not interested," which kind of pisses me off, but I usually can tell early on if I'm being misled. It's pretty clear if a girl is into you or not. If she's not actively texting you or returning your calls, if she's making excuses as to why she can't go on a date with you this weekend, if she doesn't seem excited when she sees you -- save yourself the trouble and move on. The chances of her being honest and straightforward are slim, but the signs are as comprehensible as any words. The romantic-comedy and chick-flick stories where the persistent guy wins over the unavailable or uninterested girl DO NOT HAPPEN. Maybe once in a blue moon, sure, but there are literally billions of women on the planet. Try your luck with another one.
     
  19. TX.

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    FOCUS: How do you let someone down easy? Do you have any good on-liners that let the person know, "Thanks, but no thanks," and still keep a civil relationship with them?

    Very few people can handle blunt rejection with maturity and grace. Think about it. We're all saying we respect people who can just say, "Hey. I'm just not interested. Period," but how many of us, especially in younger years, would truly respond well to that? Especially if you're really into someone? I think we overestimate ourselves. Also, there's no predicting what can make someone snap. Do I want my head in a freezer because I was blunt? No, I'd rather be a little gentler and keep all of my appendages.

    My line over the years has been that I'm really focused on my career (at the time) or school (presently), and I don't have the time or energy for a boyfriend. I think they've gone over decently because they're true. I suppose if I had met someone really wonderful who I saw a long-term, serious relationship with, I would've made it work.

    ALT FOCUS: Have you been rejected? Were they nice about it, or did you pull a Tobias Funke and go and sit in the shower, biting on a washcloth to stifle the sobs?

    Haven't had very many opportunities to be rejected. I'm not the type who pursues; I like to be pursued. I did, however, have a dating partner say that I was the kind of girl he'd want to marry. He just wanted to be a manwhore for 10 more years and then marry. He wasn't flat-out dumping me, but that was definitely the end of that relationship. Was I upset? No. I took it as a sign of his plethora of issues and cheerfully moved along. I don't want to waste my time with guys like that. He did me a favor.
     
  20. shegirl

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    Everyone has been the rejector and the rejectee at some point. I don't know why people make it so hard. You smile, thank them politely (because it is flattering even if they're a fatty or a barker or mental) and humbly say you're not interested. Like someone said earlier in the thread if they want further explanation and/or begin to treat you differently than they had before then fuck them, you didn't want to date them for good reasons, this being one.

    And Dcc, I don't get that if you aren't interested, why you said yes. By doing so you've created the illusion that you are most certainly interested. Boys are basic when it comes to females and have a hard enough time understanding what makes us tick.

    In response to rep: A barker is a fugly. Ya know bark bark like dogs do....as in "ugly as a dog." Which really isn't fair because we all know pups are adorable but whatever.
     
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