TiBber bewildered is asking for help picking out wedding music for a Shaft-themed wedding, so let's help her out in that thread. However, many other TiBbers will face similar dilemmas for their weddings, and will likely need advice. All of us have certainly attended many weddings, even if they were not necessarily our own. FOCUS: What was the best wedding you've ever been to? What was the worst? What elements make a wedding great, and what elements can you not stand? CLARIFICATION: To clarify, we are talking about the whole wedding experience - including the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony, the reception, etc.
Best thing for a wedding is to keep the ceremony short. Remember that your guests have probably gotten there early, so your wedding is going to be 30+ minutes longer for them than how long the actual ceremony lasts. They just want to get to the fun reception part anyways. Worst thing you can do is a full fucking Catholic mass, without warning people that's what you're going to do. (Same goes for funerals.) I'll go to your wedding, but I'm not going to sit in church for an hour.
Best wedding I attended wasn't supposed to be a wedding. A couple that had been dating for a while bought a new house, and threw a house-warming bbq. About 40 of us were outside, enjoying the summer sun, in shorts, t-shirts, and bare feet, when the couple said, "can we have everyone's attention? This is Frank, our pastor, he's going to marry us now." We then got divided up into his and her sides, and stood on the grass, beer in hand, while the 3 minute ceremony was performed. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am very much contemplating this, by the way. My idol, Steve Martin, did this recently (although I am unlikely to be able to get Tom Hanks and Ricky Jay to come to a BBQ at my house like he did). How awesome would it be to just have a quick ceremony and then have burgers and fries and pizza and just hang out? If I can pull it off, is it going to come off as cheap?
The best wedding I went to was my friend R's a few years ago. The ceremony was short and sweet, and the reception was at a really cute dinner club in Buckhead. I wish I could remember the name of it because it was perfect. It was older, really nice, and cozy. It was cute. They hired a jazz band, and it was awesome. I thought maybe that would suck since they strictly played standards, but most everyone was out on the dance floor the entire time. The food was great and it was a sit-down dinner, and the open bar kept everyone buzzed. The best part is that my friend kept the irritating bullshit like tossing the bouquet/etc to a minimum. The worst wedding I've been to was this past weekend. It was a reception for a Morman couple. Nobody danced because they had a country radio station on, and they served punch, fruit, nuts, and cake. Plus, their creepy, googly-eyed Morman-pastor spoke and performed a "ring ceremony". Everyone sat around and stared at each other. It was like the reception sucked the life/fun out of all of us. It was the dullest 120 minutes of my life. Since my family is so big we felt obligated to stay almost the entire time...sneaking out the door would mean over half of the party leaving. When we finally got back to the party bus we started popping corks. Not in celebration of the wedding...in celebration of getting the fuck out of there and not being Morman. I think the keys to a good wedding and reception are: - a short ceremony - good food and alcohol - good music for dancing - a space that encourages said dancing, drinking, and talking I can't stand corny/cheesy stuff. I went to a wedding where the bride and groom pre-recorded messages for each other. They were played during their first dance, and it was the corniest, most melodramatic crap ever. I'm no cynic, but even I wanted to dry heave during that. Same thing goes for written vows. A lot of them sound like the deep musings of a 13 year old's diary. Most of us suck at writing. Why do people feel the need to put their spin on something short, well-written and to the point? Also, if you're an Aggie, don't stand in a circle and sing your Cult Songs. All of the non-Aggies/functioning members of society threw up horns in protest.
My own wedding had 11 people at it. It was a hot summer day, and we were all in bare feet, shorts, etc. The local Justice of the Peace showed up and the bride and I got changed into our fancy clothes (just a suit for me, a nice dress for her), we did the 10 minute ceremony, pictures were taken, we cut the cake, then we changed back into our shorts. It was done on the deck of her parent's summer house, and it cost us less than $8k all in, and that was only because we paid for my family to fly out and their B&B next door. I think people who have huge weddings and waste a ton of cash on them need therapy.
Basically what my cousin did. He rented out a little place for it though. The pastor came after a little while of us drinking, took them away from the crowd, married them in a few minutes, then back to partying. Had dinner after and danced in a little patio area they set up with a DJ. Had a table fool of booze and two kegs. There were probably 30 people total. Couldnt have cost more than 3-4k total. I could care less at this point and would probably just go down to the court house if I had the choice.
I think what you should do is go all out on the food and everything. Since you're not incurring all the other wedding expenses (flowers, band, invitations, and the 300% markup everything label 'wedding' gets) you can go cheap for a wedding, but all out for a barbeque. It's not going to cost you that much more to go from a simple food spread to having a really great selection of burger toppings. A small wedding cake at a wedding reception looks cheap. But, a small wedding cake at a back yard bbq is a fucking wedding cake! But, with an impromptu wedding, how do you make sure all the guests show up?
Hope this is close enough to the focus. A cousin of mine who I'm about medium close to is getting married in about a month. I really don't want to go. But, I also don't want her to feel insulted by not going. We're not super close, but we see each other 1-2 times a year, so it's not like the relative who your parents have to explain your relation to whenever you visit. It's in Mobile, which is about a 6 hour drive one way, I wouldn't be able to work on my website as much, between travel, the wedding itself, and whatever other incidentals come up, I need to lose a few pounds if I'm going to fit into any of my suits, need to get my shoes re-soled, and would prefer to have a few days away from my parents (they'll be going down, so I could stay here without them). I also don't like being around relatives because they all want to ask what I'm doing with myself these days, and that'd been a real fucking awkward conversation this last year. But, I feel like an ass for not wanting to go.
Grow some balls and say "I don't want to go". Or go. Just stop bullshitting yourself with lame-ass justifications for bailing.
Yeah, that would be the idea. I'd rather have a really awesome homemade dessert than about 99% of the wedding cakes I've ever had. Shit, a Betty Crocker SuperMoist, cooked with love and frosted with a basic Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook buttercream is better than 99% of the wedding cakes I've ever had. This is the X factor. I suppose you could: 1) clue a few close family members in so they don't die of heart attacks when it happens, or 2) really advertise in advance, make sure people can come, and if some people still don't show up, oh well. The point is that it's not supposed to be a big deal. I would feel very uncomfortable inviting lots of people to a wedding, but much more comfortable inviting people to a BBQ. If I had a high-pomp-and-circumstance wedding, I'd only want 20 people there anyway. Total. But I'd be much more OK if 50 showed up for a summer BBQ bash.
It's not that. I've had cousins I didn't give two shits about get married, and I didn't feel one ounce of guilty about not going to their weddings. I don't think there'd be any fallout if I didn't go, so I don't even need any justifications. I'm actually conflicted between wanting to go to be nice to this cousin, and not wanting to go because of all that other stuff.
If you're worried about it looking/feeling cheap, letting people know about the wedding in advance puts it into wedding context, where it will look like a cheap wedding, instead of BBQ context, where it will look like a freaking awesome BBQ. Though, I suppose you can tell people you want to throw a really big barbeque, without letting them know about the wedding part. As for the cake stuff, which I'm too lazy to quote, yes, wedding cake isn't the best as far as taste goes. But, I think even having a small wedding cake will make the event more memorable. Also, if it's going to be evening, and you're in a place where it's legal/illegal but you can do it anyways, get some fireworks.
Weddings are times for people to be with people. It's not going to matter if it's a backyard BBQ with dixie cups or a $100k caterer. If it does matter, let's face it, you wouldn't even be considering a backyard BBQ wedding. Make it thoughtful, and special, and memorable, and you'll have won. It's not some competition to see who gets the most expensive wedding. And I doubt she's thinking that either, or she'd be out gold-digging some "real" doctor. The minute you take your minimalist backyard bbq and try to make into something more, I think you're starting down a slippery slope, and will have problems. "Make up" for the casual nature of the event by maybe having a bit of a photo shoot some time later on so you'll have some semi-formal pics to commemorate the wedding, but otherwise, buy a crap load of disposable cameras and hand them out to people as they come in. Collect them all when you're done, and you'll have some great and personal shots of the wedding that'll really show the personality of the event.
Best: Maybe a little biased, but mine. Rented a place on the beach south of Tampa. Family that could make the trip did and it was like a vacation for everyone. Drank with everyone on the beach the days before and after the wedding, on the beach of course. The ceremony was maybe 15 min. short and sweet. Had a local guy come and bbq at the house. The best fucking ever. We had leftovers for the rest of our stay. Then for everyone that didn't make Florida, we had a reception at my Grandparents campsite. Food, booze, and swiming. Friends broought their tents so stay overnight. At night we played Cornhole, Euchre, and Beer Pong. I made the playlist for both places and made sure it was just background noise, not stuff to do the Dougie to. Plus me and her dancing is awkward as fuck. With me being white 6'3", her 5'10".
I hate pushy, obnoxious brides. Sure, they may have been primed for this moment since birth but there's another person involved (at the very least), and he doesn't want to be reminded of the seething bitch he's agreeing to spend at least the foreseeable future with and would like to at least partly enjoy the day when she's going to look the supposed best she is ever going to. I went to a wedding a few years back of my then girlfriend's brother. He married an utter beast. No one in his family knew what he saw in her, as she didn't appear to have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. She drained his bank accounts for the wedding. The ceremony had to be in an expensive little chapel usually reserved for high fee paying Japanese, and the reception was at one of the overpriced golf courses that litter this area. She stipulated that all guests had to be at the reception at a specific time, and then made everyone wait for over two hours while she had photos that no one was allowed to be present for except the wedding party. The bar wasn't open, and there was no food served until she entered the room. I can't honestly remember if that married lasted more than 5 years or not.
Oooh, is this going to be another opportunity for everyone to vie for the title of Most Laid Back, Cheap, and Anti-Tradition? Cause that is so fun, interesting, and unpredictable. There is something to be said for throwing a big blowout party to which you invite everyone you love. Combine a kick ass live band, great food, and open bar with heavy-pouring bartenders, and you get one hell of a celebration. Yeah, it costs a shit ton of money to do it up right so obviously not everyone can do this. But what are you going to do with that money if you've got it? Sit on it? Watch it compound? Give me a break. You can't take it with you. And I for one find that spending money on experiences with people I love is much more fulfilling than accumulating stuff. As you might imagine, we did have one of those big fancy weddings with serious decor, seated dinner, etc. However, our priorities from the beginning were what I listed above: music, food, booze. We also only invited people my husband and I personally liked and felt close to - no fucking parents' colleagues or distant relatives we couldn't recognize on sight. As a result, it was the most fun party I have ever been to in my entire life, and our friends agree - they can't stop talking about it, 9 months later. On another note: I am so very very sad for those of you who have never had tasty wedding cake. Ours was AMAZING. And nothin' fancy in terms of flavor, just yellow cake and milk chocolate frosting. I cannot even describe to you how much I loved that cake. I would do unspeakable things for more of that cake. I want some now, dammit. So good.
I know someone who did this. I'm a huge fan of the concept. This person had been living with the guy in question for 10+ years and everyone had given up hope on them actually marrying. Apparently her side of the family didn't talk to them for about two months afterwards, which was the best part for her. As for my suggestions, I would say keep the speeches short. Sure, the parents of the bride and groom should be allowed to have their say, but the bride does not need to address each of her 7 bridesmaids by name and explain that each of them is special (though note that she doesn't explain why or how they are special). Further, you're not giving a speech as part of a high school assignment. This is the problem with weddings: people have to dress up fancy and try to act fancy without having any real idea of what that entails. And it's reflected rather well in the speeches: the bride will say of her bridesmaids, "I cherish the time we spend together", and yet because she would never use the word "cherish" in ordinary speech it comes across as unnatural and rehearsed. Maybe I'm just anal about these things. See also: an open bar. Have one.
The best and worst wedings I've been to came within several weeks of each other. The best was a Samoan/Islander wedding for my then-girlfriends' cousin, where the couple had been together for 10+ years and already had 3 kids. It was a quick church ceremony, followed by a reception at a hall. They flew out a whole lot of his family from Samoa (hers are here) and holy shit can these women cook. The food was all home prepared: salads came in 55 litre tubs, someone killed a farms' worth of chickens and there were two spit roasted pigs. The grooms' high school rugby teammates were there and did the Haka, and they also had a traditional Samoan performing crew play music, dance and generally put on a show. Booze was plentiful, I ate enough for a week and we all had an absolute blast well into the night. Two weeks later we went to the wedding of a couple we knew from work, performed in the Salvation Army church of which the grooms' father was the minister (or whatever they're called) and he presided over the ceremony. This wedding had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. His family despised her, as she is a fat, obnoxious mole. You could visibly see the father/ministers' shoulders sink when his son said 'I do.' Being the Salvos, this was a dry event, and apparently it's also not appropriate to dance, or even play music. We got somewhat loaded at a bar beforehand and nicked outside to the carpark from time to time, but bailed as soon as possible (about 5pm). Given the choice, I'd go with the BBQ-oh-tricked-ya-surprise-wedding approach too. I'm not big on fuss, and am a pretty practical type of person. I just wouldn't feel right spending a shit ton of money (even if it were not mine) on a big traditional style wedding, and would hope future me has the good sense to marry someone of similar disposition. That being said, if we were financially well off I'd spend up on some quality booze, food and amusements.