It's not exactly.....

A female friend of mine went out with a dude and said "he was in the process of getting a divorce". Date went fine, whatever. She gets a text from his phone a few days later saying "This is his wife. He has three kids. Please stop." Dude was a douche, but how was she to know?

Focus: Cheating and cheaters. Where do you draw the line?

Alt-focus: Have you ever cheated, whats your story?

 

Similar but different. A girl I dated in college had broken up with a dude she had been dating in HS a month or two earlier. She had moved on, we got along great and were having a lot of fun. Apparently the ex thought they were on some extended break. He came to visit for a concert the school was throwing, and he and 2 buddies jumped me. It wasn't violent given it was in a public setting, but plenty of shoving and threats about "stop fucking with another dude's girl". I was understandably upset and remember talking to my Mom about it and her response was "how would you know? Thats their problem not yours." Which is sort of the response I've always taken to the "other guy/girl" in a cheating scenario. Dude's always get super heated at the dude their girlfriend is cheating on them with, but most of the time, they don't know. If you do know and are voluntarily breaking up a relationship, thats sort of scummy. Otherwise, not your problem that you're unwillingly entangled in a lie.

ALT-FOCUS: Ive only cheated one time a few years ago. I had been in a relationship for a couple of months. She was sweet but it wasn't a great fit and we'd been getting into fights over dumb things. Fast forward a few weeks and she chose to freeze me out. Couple days of no conversation, including her birthday where I tried to be a bigger person and set some plans up, which she opted out of and reacted to my card and flowers I brought to her place with a "meh" reaction. The following weekend, I was out with friends and one had a group of girls meet us, one was all over me and made it very apparent she wanted to touch my groin region. I hesitated but we all went back to my buddy's place and she pulled me into a bedroom and ended up going down on me. It was nothing short of incredible. The next day I definitely felt kind of shitty, even though he "officially" broke up 3-4 days later. I still didn't like being that dude.

FOCUS: The thing I've observed with cheating is that the impact seems to lessen the more you do it. Not the negative impact on your significant other or the relationship, but rather the personal. My friends who have been serial cheaters seem to be unaffected by it and have some sort of weird justification. You have to feel bad the first time or two, but some of these people just view it as a part of any relationship. I knew a guy who claimed to be in an open relationship with his gf, when she clearly didn't view it as such. I had another good friend who once smugly told me "I've come to see the value in having a mistress..." He was 24 and his gf was a 21 year old college senior at the time, and the "mistress" was just some mediocre girl that came out to the bars with us when his gf wasn't around. Just stupid absurd shit.

Cheating in marriages is horrible but in a weird way, I understand it a bit more. When someone is cheating on their bf/gf, just fucking break up with the person if you are looking for ass elsewhere. Marriages have more of a financial/emotional stake. It's still fucking shitty, but still.

 

I hate that dudes think violence against another guy solves the problem of a cheating woman. That's the most retarded response I can think of. Unless you are actually a rapist, I think the second penis is rarely the problem in this situation and I can't imagine a situation where it warrants violence.

I got death threats from a dude, thanks to a chick I was boning in college. She said she was afraid he was going to hit her if she broke up with him, so never broke it off. She hooks up with me, this guy calls my phone and threatens to "whup my ass" because he listened to gossip. Because I am the problem here. He was dissuaded by the fact that we have...guns and police. I later found out Sir Fucktard had a stroke at 20 years old, he had been abusing steroids since he was a sophomore in high school. She proceeded to go on a dick tour of my tiny university, before marrying Sir Fucktard and moving to Florida. They reproduced.

The aristocrats.

 

I would never have slept with a girl if I knew she was seeing somebody else. If you have no knowledge about about your sex partner already being in a relationship, you didnt do anything wrong. You're being lied to just like their actual boyfriend/girlfriend is.

Besides...fucking with a relationship, aside from being sleazy is downright dangerous. It's called "Crime Of Passion" and fucking somebody's wife/husband can flat-out get you killed. I know at least one TiB member who lost a friend to such a thing, clueless to the fact the woman was married until he was thrown off a fucking building.

That shit happens, and it can happen to anybody. With seven billion people on this planet, why risk the only life you have on some married cheating liar?

 

.

 

I've cheated. I can tell you that I was with someone who was so insecure he was convinced I was cheating even when I wasn't. I can tell you that I was ridiculously young. I can tell you how tired I was of being accused and subsequently abused because he thought I was cheating, long before I ever did...but the fact is, ultimately I did it because I wanted to.
We were separated, but I don't know that that makes things any better or worse.

Even if I knew then what I know now, I'd do the same thing at the same point in my life. Cheating made me realize that I was desirable to someone besides him. My self esteem at that time was non-existent and there were a lot of things I learned about myself and my accountability for my actions. Ultimately, we (obviously) did break up, the cheating was a much smaller part than so many other things that came before and after it.


That said.

I wouldn't do it today in this life. My affection for my husband aside, I'd just fucking leave. None of the above means I think my actions were right, or that I endorse anyone else doing it.

 

I've never cheated or been cheated on (at least partially because I've never been in a relationship serious enough where cheating could be considered a thing) but I've been the person with whom the other person was cheating. It was a classic scenario: The woman in question was a platonic friend of mine, but her boyfriend was so jealous and insure about the times we would hang out she finally decided "fuck it, if he thinks I'm cheating anyway I might as well get something from it". If this situation were to happen to me now I'd probably not participate, but I was younger and didn't really care.

 

Before I begin this story, I want to ensure everyone that my family is not as white trash as they constantly seem.

A few days before my 10th birthday, my father cheated on my mother with his brother's wife. It was at a family gathering and my mother walked in on them. To this day, no one discusses what was actually happening when my mother walked in the room, but i do know there was alcohol involved. After this happened, my parents went to counseling and were able to repair their relationship. My aunt and uncle stayed together for about a decade before they had a trial separation. As of last October, they are back together. My aunt and my mom talk to each other all the time.

I think the big difference between this situation and other cheating situations is that here were two families involved. Both couple were raising young children. (At 10, I was the oldest of three. My aunt and uncle also had three kids at this time). Everyone stuck together for the kids and my parents were able to overcome the situation. But, it was this extremely weird, awkward thing that happened for years after. If you know anything about my family, you also know it was weird because we all live within the same two block radius. All the kids still hung out with each other every day, but none of our parents were talking to each other.

Focus: I don't ever cheat and I make sure to define the relationship at an early stage so that any guy who doesn't feel like he can do monogamy has an out before it gets too serious.

 

I once dated a girl who was going through the process of divorce. It was kind of funny because she was living with her in-laws (side note: you know you've fucked up bad when your parents choose your ex-wife over you), and we'd go over and bang when the in-laws were away for the weekend. But I'm pretty sure that wasn't cheating.

In any case, to answer the question, I haven't cheated and I'm not sure I ever could. It's just one of those things - if you seriously want to bang other people, at least do the decent thing and break up.

 

I've been both ends of a double-ended . . .

When I started seeing my ex-fiancé, it turns out she was in the process of moving on from her ex boyfriend. And by moving on, I mean she had decided to fuck someone else, but didn't bother to tell him. He rightfully tried to cave my head in with a nightstick (he was a security guard), but I fought him off and won the tart.

I mean girl.

Three years later she told me she need some space, and I subsequently found out she has already started dating and banging a guy we went to college with. I should have expected no less.

Post script: They got married two years later and are still together (25 years), with one kid.
Self-serving dickish post-post script: Her MS, discovered about 5 years into their relationship, may have slowed down any intention she had of moving on from her husband.

 

Never cheated or been cheated on (as far as I know), but I've been the cheated-with a few times.

Once in college, with a girl I'm good friends with to this day. Didn't know she was living with a dude at the time, until she told me years later. All we did was make out in a bar, but she considered it cheating. According to her, he was an asshole, and she's glad she did it.

Met up with a girl from high school, a few years later in Australia. I knew she was seeing someone back home, and she told me after that he'd given her a 'promise-to-get-engaged ring' at the airport but, really, it was just a drunken hookup. In fact I puked mid-fuck. I'm sure I've told that story here before. Anyways, they've been married for years and she's preggers with their third kid.

Only one I felt bad about was my ex from high school, in our early twenties. I felt bad because she still had strong feelings for me and, perhaps egotistically, I think she had hope something might reignite. To be honest I still had feelings too, but was mostly trying to move on from my then-recent ex. Her fiancé was a prick, so I felt REALLY bad when she told me that she admitted it, and they went through therapy over it.

The other was a girl with whom I had far and away the absolute best and hottest sexual chemistry with, also when she was engaged. We'd stayed in casual contact over the years, but she suddenly texted me kind of out of the blue, and it went sexual very quickly. Pretty sure she wanted one last hot romp before getting hitched. I was having a house warming on the same night her fiancé was going to a bachelor party. Said they might be going out for dinner first, but if they didn't, she was coming over before my party to do all the things we were texting about. Unfortunately, they went for dinner, and there was no good time we could sneak away at the party without everyone noticing (after they all noticed her engagement ring). Instead, when she left, we made out and groped in the hallway while waiting for her cab. By all accounts her guy is a good dude, so I want to feel bad, but then I think of her skin and my brain goes blank.

Definitely not proud of any of it, but if I don't know the guy, I'm not betraying anyone, so I don't feel guilty, either. I've been single more than involved during most of my adult life, but during the times I've had a girlfriend, I've found it super easy to not cheat (not that I've had many chances).

 

I was the other man. Which, gave me a bit of a sick thrill. But the story isn't interesting at all. They broke up, we saw each other off and on for like 4 years. Would I do it again? Probably not. I'm not 22 anymore. Though the relationship was kind of successful. So what the fudge do I know?

How convenient this story popped up on my feed today. Don't care if it's true or not, many laughs, much schadenfreude.

http://fbs.sfglobe.com/2015/02/20/he-kn ... _new_35479

 

Unfortunately I have a couple of applicable stories, filed under "cheated with" but this is by far my favorite.

I met a guy back in 2012 who I immediately clicked with. He wasn't the kind of guy I was planning on marrying (has 3 kids, two ex-wives, etc.) but we dated for awhile, went on trips together, had incredible sex and generally had a lot of fun. He traveled for work frequently but things were going well and he had pushed for exclusivity so I agreed and stopped dating other people. We weren't facebook friends, I don't even think I even I thought about it and neither one of us had sent a request to the other. That June he went on a summer trip "with his kids" and for some reason during that time I thought to look at his FB profile. There it was a picture of him, his kids..... and his longtime girlfriend - on their "family vacation" all huddled up Brady Bunch style. So I did what any scorned woman would do and sent her (she was tagged) a message stating that I had no issue with her but that she should probably know her boyfriend had a side woman... complete with attached (unflattering) full frontal shot he had sent me... from their hotel room.

Best part... when I met my now husband a couple months later I eventually learned that his brother is this guy's best friend and I've seen him, and her, around a couple times. I have no beef with either of them, things worked out best for me with the Mr. and apparently his longtime GF is ok with him making a fool of her... though they did break up temporarily after she received the photo and I hear it was a very long drive back to Texas from Colorado.

 

I was cheated on in both of my past serious relationships, but I'm not a strictly cheating-as-dealbreaker type of person. They weren't full blown affairs, or with someone else that really hurt me. Just random hookups. There were a lot worse things that both guys did that I cared much more about. I almost forget about the cheating looking back.

I've been the other woman a bizarre amount of times. Like an I'm Not Going to Sit Here and Bother to Count number of times. I never knew beforehand, and only continued one thing after I found out because I had a much longer history with the guy than she did, I never met her, and he's one of those guys that constantly bounces from one relationship to another because he can't stand being alone so I didn't take the relationship very seriously anyway. I wouldn't do anything if I knew from the start, or continue something if I knew the other girl. I never really felt too bad since I was (mostly) in the dark with the whole thing, but the frequency of it bothers me. I figure it says something about me, and I never really thought of myself as the Other Woman type. Always the Whore, never the Madonna I guess.

I haven't cheated, and wouldn't cheat. Besides the whole moral aspect of it and having the tendency to get fiercely loyal to even things far less important than people, I'm just not interested in that many people that often. I don't have a thrill of the hunt, and I'm not as excited by beginnings as I am about the coziness of being in something with someone. Plus, sex has never been the issue in my relationships, so it's not like I've thought about going elsewhere to get it. It has just never been an urge of mine, and that includes long-distance scenarios.

 

I've gotten cheated on and have been the other guy. When I was cheated on, we just went to separate colleges, toss in daddy issues and of course something was going to happen. Found out by checking her email when she just started seeming really fucking shady. She stilled denied it even though she sent herself a picture of them kissing to said email. It sucked, because she talked a lot about marriage and getting her last name tattooed on her. That would have been hilarious. I was 18 or 19 at the time, young love, whatever.

When I was the other guy, the situation was flipped. I was the other guy, and this girl's boyfriend went to school in North Dakota, we were in NY. She was extremely friendly and my type so I was unable to resist much, even though I left all the opportunity in the world for her to backout. Went over to her place, watched a movie and on the background of her laptop was a picture of her bf. I thought "oh shit, let me play this cool" and said "Well, time for bed." There was a five second pause before she said "Are you fucking kidding me?" and fucking is what we did. I don't feel THAT bad, because we banged like 3 times over a week, I got a cold, and she replaced me with another dude. But that was my senior year in college.

Of course I wouldn't do that now because I don't know what could come out of it. Some dude stalking me to beat my ass, or somehow having to be responsible for finances. Fucking with someone's feelings is brutal but their money is an entirely different game.

 

Focus: I draw the line at breaking the rules of your sexual agreement, whatever that is. A couple agrees that X is out of bounds (most default to No Kissing) and someone does X, they cheated. It's super simple. Some cheating is more severe than others, kissing someone vs. have a seven day dp orgy with them and six strangers from the apartment block over, but it's still cheating.

Alt-focus: I've never cheated (and certainly now have zero need to) and, to the best of my knowledge, have never been cheated on. I've been the other manonce or twice though when I was younger. I agree with the sentiment expressed earlier that we focus way too much on the other man/woman in a cheating scenario instead of on the cheater themselves. The cheater broke trust, the other person may have been part of something unsavory, but they have no direct obligations involved. Obviously if the other person is actually a friend or otherwise entangled with the couple, then entirely different levels of trust may be broken at that point. That said, while I don't condemn the "other" all that much, it's still not exactly a generally positive position to be in.

The first time I was the other man was actually when I lost my virginity. I was 19, she was 27. My best friend needed some moral support in checking out a BDSM club so I went with him to see what it was like. I met this chick, we clicked pretty quickly, and fooled around for the next few months before finally having sex in the living room of her house. She was married and their relationship was some degree of open, but not "fuck a guy he'd never met on their sofa" open. I didn't think too much about it, enjoyed it, and eventually moved on with my life. Never met the guy and I doubt he ever found out.

 

I don't think I would ever cheat but I've been the other guy. It's not something I would ever do again but at that point in my life it surprisingly helped me build confidence in myself and got me to a good point in my life where I can actually talk to and pick up women.

 

I can see playing Other Guy if a relationship is on the rocks or was never serious in the first place. But if you're that catalyst at what could break up a family... Not for me. You're more liable to do something like that when you're young and can't appreciate the consequences for the other side.

Cheating has a billion different reasons and what people choose to do, be faithful or cheat, is basically their decision and that's all. They get no advice nor lecture from me. It's your life. I feel being neutral is the best option.

 

Alt-Focus: My dad is the cheater in my family. He was one of those guys who could find a fling in a hailstorm. It's funny, because he's 5'11, has a pot gut, is bald, has Type II Diabetes and has to take testosterone shots to maintain a hard-on, yet since he married my mom when she was 23 and he was 36 (yes you read that right) and has only in the past week divorced her, he has moved onto a woman I've never met, nor any of my three brothers have met, named Jessica, who he met through the wonders of craigslist. And he has confided he's practically cheated since day one of his and my mom's relationship, toss in the fact my mom has been until recently a non-diagnosed bipolar disorder sufferer, you have a recipe for me to shake my head and wonder, "How the fuck did my brothers and myself survive this horseshit?" My mom would often flip out on my dad, and my dad could easily make himself the hero in those situations because me and my brothers were still kids. Now that all this little flashes of the larger truth have been revealed in the past two years or so, their relationship was a shambling horror from the first day on.

The Aristocrats!

Focus: I don't want to be the "other guy" but doubtlessly I might find myself there someday (might be that I already have been that guy, just didn't know it at the time), but I've been cheated on before. I just cut the relationship there. The girl in question didn't want a relationship as I wanted, and that was fine, but I wasn't going to freak out on the guy (an acquaintance from school as this was, yes, just post-high school) because I figured it was the best for her, and I had already turned down other offers to stay loyal, so why not get out while the getting was good?