There is a fine line between living like a bachelor and being hilariously poor, but here are a few more stories about how awesome my life is: - The last time I went on vacation, I slept in the bed of a pickup truck for a month. It was 35°F during the day and 5°F at night. - Until recently, I only owned a single pair of jeans and wore them literally every day for over a year (I washed them once a week). - I used to regularly use Febreeze as a cologne/deodorant. i.e. spraying it directly against my body after showers. This worked surprisingly well. - One summer, I lived on the roof of a hotel for about 5 weeks—for the week after that I slept in a cave (not kidding). Don't have a picture of the cave, but here is the roof: Spoiler (I even got laid while living here.)
What the fuck is a box spring? I slept on a twin mattress on the floor all 5 years. Women loved it We didn't have a kitchen table, so we bought one of those plastic patio sets. Frying bacon shirtless might be the manliness feat possible
Full english cooked in boxers. A combination of fat burns and greasy food is the ultimate hangover cure.
As I was doing laundry today, first time in a long time, I noticed another thing that I believe is part of bachelorhood. I have a sock with 7 separate holes in it yet I still wear it.
Our ever-growing Leaning Tower Of Marvelous 2-4-1 Pizza Boxes. Moved our shittier couches out onto the huge balcony that we had because the night breeze felt nice when you were trying to get to sleep but were obliterated beyond belief, a 5-to-6 night occurance for three straight years. The kitchen table was used to hold all of the mail we never opened unless it was our GST cheques. Indoor Riccochet Death Frisbee. My roomate- the Gold Glove-, beating up me-one of his closest friends- in my sleep. On a tuesday night. Alcohol is hilarious. Finally, since I've been married I have to show respect and not intentionally ruin a party that I think sucks. My favourite was back in about 2001 went to some backyard party with some friends and the guy wasn't letting ANYBODY in his house. He rented a fucking Port-O-Potty. Asshole. Anyways, he also fancied himself an awesome D.J. by constantly running into the house to change the songs on his 5-channel CD player he was firing out of the back windows from his stereo. Nobody was being friendly, I was fired up on Jack Daniels and this party needed some spice. When D.J. Cool Tunes came back out, I snuck in and flipping through his CD collection found the song "It's a Beautiful Life" by Ace Of Base. An incredibly sugary, phenomenally corny dance song from the early 90's. The beauty is I fucking HATE this song, and so does everybody else on the planet. It's sooooooooooo goddman irritating. I put it on "Repeat 99" after the song that was playing and locked the door on my way out of the front to sneak out without anybody in the backyard the wiser. I also locked the back door before I left, so Ace Of Base will be rocking the joint AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN while the guy is yelling into the house for his "asshole buddies to stop fucking around and unlock the goddamn door". Sorry bro, but the house is empty and everybody is losing their minds because that songs managed to play at least eight or nine times before they finally piggy-backed through the kitchen window and killed the stereo. I guess I didn't exactly hide my guilt because I was laughing so hard. I can't do that kind of shit anymore. It's frowned upon. Still very tempting sometimes, though. Maybe I'll go buy some Liquid Ass.
There are three of us living together right now in a town house. We do so much crazy shit, lets see if I can remember any. -We have so many glass cups that we have to stack them in the cupboard to fit them all, yet they're all ALWAYS dirty. We drink a lot, so we need glasses. We never have milk, so we cant eat cereal, so we have excess bowls. This leads to my drunkard irish room mate mixing his whiskey and Dr. Pepper in a bowl and drinking it. -We share our backyard with a long row of other townhouses. It's just one long strip of lawn. We piss directly off the deck, in broad daylight. I don't think any of our neighbours like us. Especially because we always get noise complaints. -Where we piss of the deck, we also have a huge pile of cigarette butts. -I threw a paint grenade at my friend who was in the shower. It's on the ceiling now. I'll have to re paint that some time before we move out. -We've shot paint balls at the houses across lawn. -We're all currently unemployed. But I think I'm going to break that chain, as I have a second interview on Sunday. The other two still have money saved up, so they're not even looking for work. They're happy where they are. -We LAN video games, and play COD. -We are getting a free pool table soon, and we're going to put it right in our living room. This would be a lot more funny to you all if you actually knew what our place looks like. Sorry. -We cook on the BBQ more often than on the stove. We actually don't eat half bad, because I'm a cook. Although a lazy one. -At any time, we have two different sources of music in the house going. -There are no bed frames in this house, just mattresses on the floor. -Our coffee table is a construction sign on top of a large box. There are probably a lot more, even more funny than the ones I've mentioned, but my memory sucks.
Right after I graduated from college I lived with a friend of mine in a shitty little apartment. One day we went to Trader's Village (a big flea market) looking for cheap tools and happened upon a guy selling throwing knives. We bought several and started practicing in our living room. At first we used a piece of wood as a target but it quickly became clear that neither of us could hit such a small target so we just started using the walls and the front door. Coming home was pretty exciting when you never knew if a knife was going to come flying at your head when you opened the door. Eventually we decided that we would never get very good at the knives so we bought a bb gun and shot holes everywhere in that apartment. One time that fucker shot my hot pockets so I retaliated by shooting holes in his soap and shampoo bottles. Oddly enough, after a gallon of paint and a lot of spackle, we got our entire security deposit back.