Nope, I will be hammering a 6" spike through a board with my penis. A girl has to have her standards. That was the first test I had to pass with the wife.
I have had a shitty day. I am extremely annoyed with everyone and everything. EXCEPT YOU, LION AND GIRAFFE! You're so silly! What shenanigans!
Being responsible is so lame. I literally had to close my windows last night because it was loud outside from people partying, meanwhile I was stuck inside reading about Pyrrhus of Epirus. At least the weather was nice enough to study outside today, I'm on my porch with a beer.
OK, dog. You can stop puking now. But if you must puke, keep it off of the carpet, please. Besides... You wouldn't be throwing up today if you didn't try to eat EVERY GODDAMN THING YOU SEE.
He lost more than he gained in a battle that he "won" thus coining the phrase Pyrrhic Victory, The End. Now quit being a faggot and go get drunk.
Got a kitten today because I can't have a dog. So what's the stigma about guys with cats? Weird? Creepy?
One cat turns into two turns into three turns into yellow spots all over your walls. You'll have your fist on your waist, shaking your finger at them for being naughty kitties, your toes stuck in some unidentifiable substance wrapped in hair that came out of one of their orifices. Soon you'll be shopping for throw pillows and tea sets so you can have afternoon tea with Kiki, Ms Princess-Ashley, and Coco-Darling-Kitty. You'll be like an old widow in a dissociative state. Forever. Forever reeking of cat piss. In fact just change your screen name to "Cat Piss" right now. Say goodbye to wearing anything black. No matter how much you lint brush your shit. The best part is when someone asks if you have a cat you blurt out angrily that it's dog hair. That hair won't even come off in the wash. You could wall up the washing machine behind bricks, 2 miles away in an underground lair and when you open it a giant tumbleweed of dander peppered hair will fall out and attach itself to your t-shirt. Buts dey so KOOTS when dey seeps!
If it helps, I gave him a manly name: Roger Lomax, MD. And his back story is that he has his medical degree but is banned from practicing medicine in the United States or UK because evidence surfaced that he practiced experimental surgery on transients. Will girls like me again now!?!?
Why "can't you have a dog"? If it's because of where you live, you need to move. Then you need to get one of these: Don't let the camera angle fool you, that's 9 months old and 110 pounds right there.
I live in apartment, and its not allowed. Believe me, I'd love to have a dog. Coming from a household with 3 labs it's weird not having any around. So I figured a cat would be a good, albeit lesser, substitute. Kinda like if you can't find a girl to have sex with, one turns to a Flesh Light. It's not the same thing, but it's better than nothing.
There is no substitute. It's dog or no dog. Fuck man, get a Jack Russell or something. Anything but a motherfucking cat. My wife has two cats, and even though one of them is a bad ass, cold blooded, murderous demon from hell, it still isn't anywhere near as awesome as a dog. Your cat isn't going to run up to greet you when you get home (unless you've been starving it to death). It's not going to curl up on your feet when you are at the computer (unless you duct tape it to them). And it damn sure won't hump your guests or mutilate robbers. Here is the view from my computer right this second: Notice there are 2.5 dogs in that picture (the Corgi sucks). The only reason Tonka is not under my desk is because I booted him since he lays down and unplugs the printer. Notice also there are zero cats in that picture. Why? One cat is insane and is hiding somewhere upstairs, and the other one is out killing some small creature and laughing while it dies.
Cats are like tequila: They look all cute and innocent at first, but when you spend some time with them, you realize that they're basically all sadistic assholes that enjoy nothing more than reveling in the pain they cause you.
The best part about having a cat is when your friends come over, get drunk, and piss in it's litter box. I had one buddy float the sand in the box. Cat was seriously pissed. He just sat there looking at this tiny island of usable litter stinking in a sea of cheap beer and what smelled like hot wing sauce. A dog can look hurt, sad, happy. But a cat, the cat can look OFFENDED.
To wife or not to wife; that is the question. I have plans with my girlfriend, but Game 2 of the Bruins and Canucks is on in about 30 mins. My girlfriend works at 7:00 am tomorrow and will not want to drink. My friend got off work early and invited me over to drink. What to do. What to do.