Whats the fastest thing in the world? An Ethiopian with a McDonalds coupon How do you kill 3000 flies at once? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan (for Canadians) How do indians sing the Alphabet? LCBO {non Canadians and non Ontario Canadians: LCBO is our Liquor store} What do you call a black guy with a wooden leg? Shit on a stick. What do you call a black guy with 2 wooden legs? A waste of wood
I love Helen Keller jokes. Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell off the cliff? A. She screamed her fingers off. Q. Why couldn't anyone hear her? A. Because she had gloves on. Q. Why did Helen Keller masturbate with her right hand? A. So she could moan with her left one. Q. How did Helen Keller burn her fingers? A. She tried to read the waffle iron. Q. How do you punish Helen Keller? A1. Give her a basketball and tell her to read it. A2. Stick her in a round room and tell her to find the corners. Q. Why can't Helen Keller drive? A. Because she's a woman. ------ Q. What do you do when your woman comes out of the kitchen to yell at you? A. Go in there and take a few links out of her chain. Q. How can you tell if two elephants have been having sex in your backyard? A. The Hefty bag from your trash can is missing.
What's red, green, black, and yellow? Spoiler He's my nigger, I can paint him whatever colours I want ~ One day, Bill comes home from the pickle factory where he works and confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill says he’d be too embarrassed, and he vows to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill comes home absolutely ashen. "What’s wrong, Bill?" his wife asks. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn’t." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired" "That's it? You're otherwise okay? What about the slicer?" "She got fired too" ~ How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Spoiler pretty hot ~ Why does a bride wear white when she gets married? Spoiler because it's good to colour-coordinate all your kitchen appliances ~ A man walks into a bar, and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours it out and remarks "That's a heavy drink, what's on your mind?" After downing the drink, the man says "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend" "Wow, what did you do?" asks the barkeep. "I walked over to my wife, looked her straight in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out" "That makes sense," says the barkeep, "and what about your best friend?" "I grabbed him by the back of his neck, looked him right in the eye, and said 'BAD DOG'"
What's the most common phrase heard in West Virginia on a Friday night? Spoiler "Get off me, daddy, yer crushin' mah cigarettes!"
Why are all the houses in {bad black neighborhood} crappy but the cars nice? Spoiler you cant steal a house What did the ghetto kid get for his birthday? Spoiler your bike What is the most confusing day in {bad black neighborhood} Spoiler fathers day
Nick the Dragon Slayer Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts, Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, David the Physician, the King's chief doctor. David thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, David made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, David informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. David then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found David demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that David could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, David slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . . The moral of the story - Pay your fucking bills.
A woman goes into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a double entendre, please". So he gives her one.
Everyone remembers how many Polish people were killed by lugers during WWII, right? So why do we freak out when one luger is killed by a pole in 2010? So a Georgian olympian walks into a bar...
I may have read it on the rmmb, but this is the most offensive joke, ever. Honestly, if you're a bit sensitive, do not read it. Spoiler What is the difference between an apple and a dead baby? I don't fuck an apple before I eat it
Here are some Latvian jokes, stolen from elsewhere. You either get 'em or you don't... Latvian: Is so cold. All: How cold is? Latvian: Very. Also dark. A fishmonger says to a bootblack, “Are there any more potato left?” Bootblack says, “Yes, one. But it has gone bad.” The fishmonger says, “I am very hungry. I have not eaten for three days. I shall eat it, even if it makes me very ill.” And bootblack says, “I did not speak truth. In reality, there is no food left. You shall go hungry yet another day, my friend.” Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm. Questioning: Why did chicken cross road? Answering: I have not seen chicken since I was very young, on my parents’ farm. This is before the Cossacks slaughtered them. I can still hear screams of sister as soldiers rape her. But back to question, where did you see chicken? I am very, very hungry. Knock knock Who’s there? Latvian. Latvian who? Please open door. Is cold. How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? Only one. Obtain light bulb is hard part. You have potato? How is get one-arm Latvian out of tree? Is no one-arm Latvian! Why you silly? All go Center for Great Peaceful Physical Reassignment. You no ask. Why six is afraid seven? Because seven have many friend politburo. Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “ Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference? Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing! Latvian is rub lamp find genii. Genii say, “What is three wishes?” Latvian say, “I wish potato!” Then, POOF! Potato! Latvian so happy! “Oh! Is potato! Is potato!” say Latvian. Genii ask, “What is next wish?” Latvian is say, “I wish you go away so can enjoy potato!” POOF! Too bad. Also, was only lamp. Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad. Boy: But mother, I no are like grandma. Mother: Eat anyway. Is no potato. Latvian walk into bar and say, “I have not eaten for many days. One full beer will be too much for me. How much just maybe one shot beer?” Bartender say, “This is can do for you. Is two centimes.” Latvian say, “Oh. I was hoping it would be less. I do not have that much.” What are one potato say other potato? Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato? How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food. Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son’s body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat. Latvian Nursery rhyme: one potato, one potato, one potato, no more potato.. soldier eat potato and rape daughter..is end.