What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler? Spoiler Phelps knows how to finish a race. A woman goes to her doctor complaining of a large rash on her chest. Upon observation the doctor notices it looks like a giant M. "Where would you encounter such a large M?" The girl thinks and replies, "Well, my boyfriend plays football for Michigan, and sometimes we have sex with his varsity sweater on." The doctor chuckles to himself, prescribes a suave, and sends the girl on her way. Later that day, a different girl comes in with the exact same rash. "Let me guess: your boyfriend plays football for Michigan, right?" Puzzled, the girl replies, "No. But my girlfriend plays field hockey at Wisconsin."
Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: Because his dick was stuck in the chicken. Anyway, three hobos were sleeping huddled up next to each other in a row because it was winter. In the morning when they woke up, one of the hobos made an announcement: "Hey guys, I had a wet dream for the first time since I was a teenager! In the dream, this amazingly hot blonde woman was jerking me off! It was awesome!" The other hobo said "That's incredible! I had a wet dream too, but it was a curly-haired brunette doing the work. Damn that was good! WHat about you?" he asked the middle hobo. "I just had a dream that I was skiing."
Father is taking a shower. His little girl busts into the bathroom as kids are apt to do and sees him nude in the shower. She gets this puzzled look on her face. "Daddy," the daughter asks, "What's that between your legs?" The father replies, "That's a penis, honey." Girl looks down at herself, then looks at him quizzically and asks, "Well, when am I going to get one?" Father says, "As soon as your mom goes to the mall."
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? - Their last great hit was the wall. How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? - They found her head and shoulders in the glove box.
What do you call a black Pilot? A pilot you racist asshole. Why did the woman cross the road? More to the point, what was she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
What's the number one hook up line heard at gay bars? "May I push in your stool?" Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman. Why is it that Mexico never wins gold medals in the Summer Olympics? Anyone who could run jump or swim is in the United States. Why is there only one black guy on Star Trek? They won't work in the future either. If there are 3 black guys in a car, who's driving? The police.
How many militant feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Spoiler Two. One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick. Spoiler Just kidding. Feminists never changed anything. (First punch line was from Dirty Jokes and Beer by Drew Carey, second one's just an old joke.) What's the best part about sex with a 7 year old boy? Spoiler You turn him over and he looks like a 7 year old girl. What's the best part about sex with a 7 year old girl? Spoiler Hearing her pelvis crack. What's green and has wheels? Spoiler A frog. Spoiler I lied about the wheels.
What's worse than a giant pile of dead babies? A live one on the bottom eating his way out. What's worse than that? When he goes back in for seconds. What do you get when you cross a black guy with an octopus? A damn good cotton picker. How would Helen Keller's parents punish her? Stick a plunger in the toilet. Have you ever seen a photo of Helen Keller's father? Neither has she. Jesus Christ walks into a hotel, hands the man at the front desk three spikes and says "Hey, can you put me up tonight?"
When does a black man become a nigger? Spoiler the second he leaves the room What are the three things a black guy can't get? Spoiler a black eye, a fat lip, and a job What do you call a mexican quarterback? Spoiler el paso When's the only time you wink at a black guy? Spoiler when you're cocking and reloading What do you do if your dishwasher is broken? Spoiler slap the bitch What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? Spoiler the pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven Did you hear Helen Keller's dog ran away? Yeah, you would too if your name was "Aaarrrughsth!!"
My favorite joke of all time, from Drew Carey's Dirty Jokes and Beer: And this one I just made up a couple weeks ago: Two Haitians walk into a bar. They're dug out from under it.
A German, a Jew and a Nigerian are sitting under a tree. A caterpillar crawls down the tree and lands on the German. The German grabs it and throws it on the Jew which causes him to quickly throw it on the Nigerian. The Nigerian picks it up, looks at it and eats it. About 20 minutes later another caterpillar comes down and lands on the German, who again throws it on the Jew. The Jew picks it up, looks at the Nigerian and says, "You wanna buy this?"
What's the best thing about sex with twenty two year olds? Spoiler There's twenty of them. What's the difference between a Porsche and a 7 year old? Spoiler There isn't a Porsche in my garage.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys? Coach. A white guy surrounded by 10 black guys? Quarterback. Surrounded by 500 black guys? Warden.
An American, a Russian, and a Mexican are riding in a train car. They are getting bored, so the Russian pulls a bottle of top shelf vodka and some glasses out of his suitcase and pours drinks for all three of them. After they finish their drinks, the Russian throws the almost full bottle out of the window. "Por que you do that for?!" exclaimed the Mexican. "Oh, we haves lots of that stuff where I come from," said the Russian. After awhile, they got bored again and the Mexican brought a bottle of good Tequila from his bag, and filled the cups that the Russian had brought out. After everyone finished their drinks, he threw the bottle out the window. "Whats you doing?! You didntst even drink the worm!" yelled the Russian. "Pero, we have a lot of that in my country," said the Mexican. Everyone looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. Then the American grabbed the Mexican and threw him out the window. "We have a lot of them where I come from," he said to the Russian.