My favorite joke of all time: Why couldn't the pirate go see the movie? -Because it was rated ARRRRRRRR.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "see you next month" How do you know if a black guy has been on your computer? Its not there anymore Whats the difference between a black guy and a bucket of shit? The bucket. Hellen Keller went to town, riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her hat and called it "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrqurqurrr"
Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?" "Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."
What's long and hard on a black man? Second grade. What do Mexicans and pool balls have in common? The harder you hit them, the more English they pick up.
What do an asshole and a 9 volt battery have in common? They're both places you know you shouldn't put your tongue but you just can't help yourself.
So this couple is married for 40 years and then one day the wife finally passes away. Everyone arrives at the funeral and as the pallbearers are carrying the coffin to the the designated plot, they accidentally bump it up against a pole. As soon as this happens, the coffin lid flies open and the women emerges alive. She lives with her husband for a further 10 years and finally passes away again. At this second funeral, as the pallbearers are carrying the coffin forward, the husbands shouts out "careful you don't hit that pole again!"
This 10 year old boy comes home from school and tells his mom that he just lost his viginity. His mom is appalled, saying that kids his age shouldn't be having sex yet, and she tells him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home, and when he gets there, he's going to read him the riot act. Once dad gets home, he goes into junior's room with a stern look on his face and closes the door. Then he sits down, pats junior on the back, smiles, and says: Dad: "Son, I'm proud of you! Why, I was almost twice your age when I lost my virginity. So how was it?" Son: "It was great dad, but next time I'm going to use some Vaseline. Boy is my ass sore!"
Why did Ms Sri Lanka win the Miss Universe pageant? She had a killer wave! Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... (that's for all you ladies) ------------------------------------------------ A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
I knew we were a generally angry, opiniated and mean group but God damn, you people are terrible. I am forever tainted. I was delicate and demure. Gosh.
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY. A handsome and charming young man asks a young woman out on a date. On the date, he is a complete gentleman - always takes her coat, always pulls out a chair for her, always holds the door, always very respectful. Being very charming, he soon talks her into the sack, and it turns out to be very good for the young lady. Lying in bed in pure bliss, she asks if there is anything she could do for him to pay back the favour. He replies that he wouldn't mind if she gave him a blow job. "Oh no." She replies. "Anything but that. I just know that if I do that, you just won't have the same respect for me." The young man understands. He's a gentleman. The romance blooms and they're marred within a year, and he has been as respectful and deferential to her as he always was. On the wedding night, he pays a stirring tribute to her in bed. Once again, the woman lies in bed in absolute ecstasy and offers to do something for him to repay the favour of all the good sex. The man, once again, asks for a blow job. The woman refuses. "I simply know that you won't treat me the same if I do that." Some years later, on their tenth anniversary, the young man takes her on a surprise visit to Cancun, and shells out for every luxury - first class seats, penthouse suite at the hotel, everything. And he is as respectful and gentlemanly to her as he was the first date they went on. And, true to form, the man pleasures his wife in every conceivable way. The wife, once again in bliss, says to her husband, "You've given me all these years of kindness and respect and sex. There must be something I can do in return for you." The man says, "Well, I know I've asked this before, but could you give me a blowjob?" The wife thinks for a second - they've been married for ten years and he's always treated her the same, so what harm could it do? So, she gives him a blowjob, and it's pretty good. And they're lying there, both perfectly content, with the wife wondering what was wrong with her to think he wouldn't treat her the same if she gave him a blowjob. The phone then starts ringing in the hotel room. And it rings, and rings, and rings, with neither one getting up to answer it. The husband turns to the wife and says, "Aren't you gonna pick up the phone, cocksucker?" During the terrible broadway music adaptation of the Diary of Anne Frank in the 60's, during the final act when the Nazis enter the home where Frank is hiding, a dissatisfied audience member is said to have shouted at the actors, "She's in the attic!"
A man dies and finds that he has gone to hell. Once he realizes where he is, he is extremely upset and frightened. Eventually, Satan shows up and asks him, "What's the matter with you?" The mans replies, "Well I'm in hell, aren't I?" Satan replies, "Yes, but it's not as bad as all those Chrisitians on earth would have you believe. For instance, do you like to drink?" The man says yes. Satan replies, "Well you'll love Mondays. It's all you can drink night down here, with every conceivable beer ever brewed, and every kind of liquor ever distilled. As much as you want, and it's all free. And better yet....you're already dead, so there'll be no hangover!" The man thinks that sounds pretty good. Then Satan says, "Do you like to smoke?" The man says yes. Satan replies, "Well you'll love tuesdays. It's all you can smoke night, with every kind of cigarette, cigar, chewing tobacco, marijuana you could imagine, and it's all free. And there's no way you can get cancer down here" The man thinks this sounds pretty good too. Then Satan says, "Do you like to gamble?" The man says yes. Satan replies, "Well you'll love wednesdays....it's casino night, and every game that you fancy can be wagered on, every sporting event is available to be bet on, and your money is unlimited." The man starts smiling and thinks he has hit the jackpot. Satan was a pretty alright dude afterall. Then Satan says, "Do you like being fucked up the ass?" The man says no. Satan Replies, "Oooh...you're going to hate Thursdays then."
Three dogs are waiting with their masters at a veterinary clinic and they get to chatting. Doberman: "So why are you here?" Terrier: "I can't believe it, my life is over. I humped my master's couch too many times and he got upset and now he's having me fixed." Doberman: "Oh that's terrible!" Terrier: "Why are you here?" Doberman: "I humped my master's leg too much and he got upset and so he's having me fixed." Terrier: "Oh how cruel! What about you?" Saint Bernard: "Well, it's a bit weird...My master was getting ready to take a shower and she dropped her towel. When she bent over to pick it up I jumped on her back and humped her butt. I tore her back up pretty bad. Doberman: "That's crazy!" Terrier: "So we're all getting fixed, how terrible" Saint Bernard: "Well not me, I'm just here to get my claws trimmed."
Pirate walks into a bar with the wheel from his pirate ship stuck down the front of his pants. Bartender said "Uhhh, say. What's that wheel doing down the front of your pants? Pirate says "AAARRRR!!!! It's drivin me nuts!"
What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar? A flame-thrower. How do you castrate a West Virginia boy? Kick his sister in the chin.
Two Fire Fighters are butt fucking in a smoke filled room. The fire chief busts through the door and yells "WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE?". The Guy doing the fucking jumps back and says "SIR, HE HAS SMOKE INHALATION, SIR!!!!!", The captain says "well, why don't you give him mouth to mouth or something?", the guy says "I did, how do you think this shit got started?".