Saw this on facebook: As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.
The teacher passed around lifesaver candy to her first grade class. They began to identify the flavors by their color: red...............cherry yellow.......... lemon green...........lime orange........ orange Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, "I will give you a clue. It's what your mother sometimes may call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my god! They're assholes!"
A buddy of mine told me he had a threesome with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked "Were you able to tell them apart?" He said "Oh yeah, her brother has a mustache."
A teacher in Ireland asked her second grade class to use the word contagious in a sentence. Little Katie raised her hand and said " I got the measles and I couldnt go out to play because I was contagious" Little Mary was next. "My mum says there's a flu bug going around. Its contagious." "Well done!", said the teacher,"anyone else want to try?" Little Sean's hand was the first up. In his thick Dublin accent he says, "My next door neighbor is painting her house with only a two-inch brush. My dad says it will take the contagious."
A young boy and his grandfather were sitting outside enjoying the summer breeze. The boys grandfather pulled out a cigar, lit it, and puffed away contently. The boy looked at his grandfather and asked if he could take a puff. The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" to which the boy responded, "No sir." "Then you are not old enough" the grandfather snapped back. A few minutes later the grandfather pulled a beer out of his cooler, and took a sip. The boy asked if he could try the beer. The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" to which the boy responded, "No sir." Grandpa huffed. "Then you are not old enough." The boy gave up and ran inside the house to go play. An hour later the boy came outside with a plate of cookies. The grandfather asked the boy, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa laughed. "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass." The boy smirked. "Then go fuck yourself, grandma made these cookies for me."
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they've finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence!", she replied....
Some Halloween humor.. Q: Whats worse than being a 300 lb. witch? A: Being her broom. A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer. And a mop."
A German walks into a bar and orders a martini. "Dry?" asks the bartender. "Nein." says the German. "Just one."
Why Older Men Don't Get Hired At Job interview: Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Old man: "Honesty." Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness." Old Man: "I don't really give a fuck what you think."
Why do ducks have flat feet? Spoiler To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? Spoiler To stomp out the burning ducks.
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some people have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, recently I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. Merry Christmas, idiots.
The other night at a bar, a friend of a friend refused to believe that I could tell when a woman was born simply by holding her breasts in my hands, so we went into a private corner and she let me. After about five minutes, she said,"WELL? When was I born?" "Yesterday", I replied.
Little Timmy was walking through the dark woods one night with a pedophile. There's a strange sound in the distance and timmy says "oh man, these woods sure are creepy." The pedophile nods and says, "how do you think I feel? I have to walk back out of here alone."
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some unrecognisable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the town magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."