Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No... salty." Mom Fainted. As we all here in the land of TiB know, whoredom begins at a young age. FOCUS: Jokes. Got one?
Why is smoking a cigarette a lot like oral sex? Because the flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt. A man goes to walk into a doctor's office and as he gets to the door a nun bursts through it from the other side, knocking him on his ass. Getting up, he tries to see if she's ok, but she's absolutely inconsolable and runs away crying. He goes into the doctor and asks, "If you don't mind telling me, what's wrong with that nun?" The doctor says, "Well, I told her she was pregnant." The man says, "No way, are you serious? A pregnant nun?" The doctor replies, "No. But it sure cured her coughing." A man, feeling insecure about the size of his penis, went to a doctor to find out what could be done. "Well," the doctor said, "There is a new surgery that involves taking muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implanting them into the shaft of your penis." Willing to try anything, the man agreed to the surgery and went under the knife a few days later. When he awoke in the hospital bed after the procedure, the doctor informed him that the implant went successfully and he should have full function of his penis in about a month or so. After 5 weeks, when the man had built up enough confidence, he decided to ask a girl out on a date. She agreed and they went to a really nice restaurant downtown. After they had ordered some cocktails, the waiter left them a basket of bread on the table. Suddenly, the man's penis burst out of his pants, grabbed a roll out of the basket, and brought it back under the table. Unsure what to think himself, the man looked up at the woman whose eyes were wide open. "Uhhh...ummmm," he sputtered. The woman leaned in close and said, "Can you do that again?" The man replied, "Um, probably. But I don't think my ass could fit another biscuit."
In the spirit of the Olympics and lent: Why doesn't Jesus play hockey? - He's afraid to get nailed to the boards.
A lady went to her doctor for an exam. When the Doctor asked her how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex. The doctor repressed his grin and told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed. She replied "Oh doctor, I can't... my dog drools and his breath is just awful!"
Three young boys are walking home from school one day when they pass a fence with a hole in it. One of the boys, overcome by curiosity, peers into the hole and gets the surprise of his life, a woman sunbathing nude. Excited, he calls his friends and has them take a look. The second boy takes a look, peers for 2 seconds, stands up straight as a board and runs home as fast as he can. The next day the three boys are again walking home, and again come upon the whole in the fence which once again features a naked sunbathing woman. And again after the second boy looks through the whole he runs home, terrified. The next day, the other boys finally ask him what's wrong. "Well" he said "my mommy told me if I ever looked at a naked lady I'd turn to stone, and both times I saw that woman I felt a part of me getting hard!" Business man goes to Japan for work. First night there, feeling a little randy, he goes out and finds himself a hooker. Starts fucking her from behind and she has the tightest pussy he's ever felt. Shes on all fours, he's spanking her, and the entire time they're fucking she's yelling "nashashimi! nashashimi! nashashimi!" The next day, he's out playing golf with some associates and nails a hole in one. As he's jumping up and down he hears the foursome standing near the green yelling "nashashimi! nashashimi!" confused, he asked a bilingual associate what nashashimi means. "wrong hole" the associate replied. (I first heard that joke when I was about 10, I thought it meant the business man was fucking the hooker in the belly button. I had a lot to learn about anal sex.) Finally, my favorite joke of all time: Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar, bartender says "sorry, we don't serve breakfast" How bout a little racial humor? How do you stop 5 black guys from raping a white girl - toss them a basketball.
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!" Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?
(I read this one in Dirty Jokes and Beer by Drew Carey) A guy gets put into a nursing home by his son. He doesn't know if he's going to like it at first, but he gives it a shot for his son's sake. The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard-on. Out of no where a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down, and blows him without saying a word. The guy gets on the phone to his son and says "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!" The son says "Wow, pop, you sound really happy. What happened?" The old man says, "You won't believe it. I woke up with morning with a hard-on and the most beautiful nurse I'd seen in my life came into my room and blew me. Didn't say anything, just blew me." "Well that sounds great, dad. Congratulations." "Well, thank you, son," he says and hangs up the phone. Later that day the man is walking down the hall with his walker. He slips and falls and can't get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to him, rips down his pants, fucks him in the ass, and leaves him lying there in a heap. The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son. "Son, you gotta get me out of here! This place is nuts!" "What happened, pop? You sound terrible!" says the son. "Well, I was walking down the hall with my walker and fell and I couldn't get up. Then this hillbilly orderly came up, ripped my pants down and fucked me up the ass!" "Well you know, dad," says the son, "you got a blow job this morning. You gotta take the good with the bad." "No! You don't understand son!" exclaims the old man. "I get a hard-on once a month. I fall down three or four times a day!"
Irish Virginity Test Kit Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?" The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem." The doctor says, "Well tell me what's going on." The guy says, "Well, every morning I fuck my wife on the sink in our bathroom. Then I get to work and I bang my secretary from behind because that's the way she likes it. Then at lunch, the boss's wife comes in and I fuck her on his desk while he's out. Then when I come home I fuck our hot the maid in the ass while the kids do homework. Then at night I fuck my wife again." The doctor says, "Well what exactly is the problem?" The guy replies, "It hurts when I jack off!"
So there is this no name town in West Texas, way out in the middle of bum fuck nowhere. 500-1000 people, tops. Besides from being in West Texas there are two quite peculiar things about this town. The first is that the town has a beloved pet boa constrictor snake named Nate. Now Nate doesn't live in a cage in town hall or anything like that, he just wanders about the town as he pleases and everyone absolutely adores him. The second oddity of this small town is even stranger. Right in the middle of town is a lever sticking out of the ground. This lever is connected to a nuclear bomb that is a remnant of nuclear tests performed in the 50's and was never properly deactivated. If anyone were to push or pull this lever, or in any way set it off, it would destroy the entire town. One day the town sheriff was taking a leisurely drive through town when he noticed that just a few yards down the road Nate was crossing the street, completely stretched out across it. The sheriff quickly weighed his options: He didn't have enough time to stop, to his left was a street divider, and if he tried to veer right he would definitely hit the lever that would destroy the whole town. He knew what his only choice was and so reluctantly he ran over Nate, killing him on the spot. It was a very sad day, but everyone understood why he did it and were thankful to be alive. The next day the Sheriff was sitting in the station when one of his deputies asked him about the accident and what went through his head right before that helped him make the choice. The sheriff thought for a moment and with a solemn, somewhat sad face, he replied "Well, better Nate than lever".
Pretty young woman gets into an elevator. In it is an older man about her grandfather's age. They ride up a few floors before he looks at her and says, "Can I smell your feet?" "Excuse me?" she says. He repeats, "Can I smell your feet?" The young woman is repulsed. This man must be someone's grandfather! "NO! That's disgusting, you old pervert!" The old man is quiet, then takes a loud sniff of the air. "Huh. Must be your pussy that stinks then."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese. What do you call a bunch of black guys hanging out in a barn? Antique farm equipment.
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they see a young lad approaching. The priest says, "Hey! Let's fuck him!" The rabbi replied, "Out of what?"
1. Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets home from the Battered Abuse Shelter? The dishes if she knows whats good for her. 2. A foreman for a mining company puts out an ad for 3 workers. Only 3 guys apply. A big German, a bigger Russian, and a scrawny Chinese guy. The foreman looks at the big German and says, "You look strong. You can go down into the mine and bust rocks." The big German says, "I'll do my best!", and runs off to the mine. The foreman looks at the bigger Russian guy and tells him, "You're huge! You can load the rocks into the mining cart." The Russian then runs off behind the German guy. The foreman looks at the little Chinese guy and thinks for a while then says, "I've got it! You can be in charge of supplies." Before the foreman can say another word the little Chinese guy runs off. Around lunch time the foreman decides to take everyone to lunch. He goes and rounds up the German and the Russian, but no matter where he looks he cannot find the Chinese guy. They look all over the mine for him. Finally they give up and head to the company truck to go to lunch. As they get to the truck the Chinese guy jumps out from behind it and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!"