Is It Cheating?

The only problem with this is about about porn and masturbation?
I'm sure as hell not going to log on to spankwire next to my girlfriend and go to town, as I know she doesn't approve of porn, but I don't consider it cheating.

It's not a huge difference of sending naked pictures of yourself and looking at naked pictures of others. The only thing porn has going for it the lack of personal touch to it, that pictures of say, your ex-girlfriend has.

I am friends with girls who could give a shit whether it is porn, or that home movie they made with the ex, , they still aren't okay with it, and get pissed if they catch them. Yet, I still don't know one guys who considers this cheating.

 

My man knows I watch porn, and we occasionally watch it together, so for me personally, it falls under the umbrella of having had an explicit discussion about it. Hell, we link each other vids we think the other might enjoy. I suppose it never hurts to have a porn discussion, given how irrationally some chicks flip out over it.

 

Agreed. I'm not sure where there's any gray area on this. If it's going to make your partner feel like shit, you shouldn't be doing it.

 

I post my tits all over this place, and my husband has no idea.

Is it cheating? Maybe.

Would I care if he found out? No.

Am I going to tell him? No chance.

But that's mostly because I don't want him in my corners of the Internet. He has his own.

 

To me, cheating is defined by the EE not the ER. To some people it's intent, to others, there has to be exchange of bodily fluids for it to be cheating.

If you're partner thinks it's cheating, guess what? It's cheating.

In a relationship, you are subject to the opinion of the other person. Trying to convince somebody that their idea of cheating is not the same as your idea is fairly futile.

 

Depends on the relationship. Mine is more of the traditional kind, so if I was all like "I'm gonna fuck you with my hot body" to some random on the net, it'd be cheating (and delusional, which is half the fun). I also seem to have some sort of emotional attachment to her that seems monogamous so far, so I'm not upset by that fact.
Sure, it'd be cool to have an open relationship with many hot chicks, but no amount of repeating "you square," "city hall," or "I'm sorry" will change it in this case. I guess it's up to you and your partner(s) want to get out of any relationship, not some predetermined social requirement...

I don't mind the gf talking sex to another guy, as long as she references me every so often, say with "he's such a stud" ending every other sentence. As long as it's not sarcastic. "He's got a small dick and can't satisfy me, he's such a stud," won't work for me.
It's all contextual, and should be based on how the both of you would feel. If she flirted with her girlfriends, I wouldn't think twice about it, especially considering how many of my friends (male and female) I "flirt" with; I doubt the offer to make good on our threats was ever actually on the table in those cases. In my case, she normally shies away from that kind of talk with anyone, but is entirely comfortable with how I conduct myself (except when I leave laundry around the house).
By a certain point, you should figure out what the limits are with your significant other, and you guys aren't on the same page, then it's probably not gonna work, get out...

 

This should be the only consideration on this subject.
When in a relationship, your concern SHOULD BE whether what you're doing is going to hurt your partner.
If it will, then is the action worth it? Is what you're doing worth the pain or discomfort or negative emotion you're going to cause the person you claim to love? For me, it's not.

For me, hurting The Guy...the very THOUGHT of hurting The Guy...is abhorrent. I have no desire to see any shadows of pain or mistrust or sadness flicker across his face.

And for those who don't mind doing something that could be hurtful to your partner, why bother having a partner?

 

Who was the guy you sent it to? And what kind of game did he lay to convince you to do it? I'm just wondering strictly for research purposes, of course...

I would dump a girl in a hummingbird heartbeat if I caught her sending naked pictures to another guy, as should any man with an ounce of sack, for that's at least equivalent of me writing flowery romantic emails to other girls. I would mentally downgrade a girl from long-term potential to fuck buddy status if she were posting naked pictures online*. What, do you desperately crave attention and validation so badly?

*Except here, of course.

 

There's a sort of flirtation however that we all do every day, but we might not do in front of your spouse.

Wouldn't it be kind of silly not to admit that, in the absence of our partners, we might let a look linger a little longer, give a cute person of the opposite gender a smile, etc. more so than we might do if we were literally right next to our partner? Are we really going to define that as cheating?

Disagree. There are limitations on this, subject to reasonableness and fairness. For example, if someone were to say "It is cheating if you ever talk to someone of the opposite gender," they're just being stupid and abusive, and misusing the term "cheating."

 

Right, but in the confines of that relationship it WOULD be cheating, because one of the partners defined it as such. Of course, if you ever meet someone like that you shouldn't worry about what is and isn't cheating and run the fuck away.

As for your other point, I know a lot of couples operate that way, but personally I find that hiding who you really are in any capacity is a signal that you're not in a healthy relationship. That includes my friends that sneak cigarettes on the side and only tell dirty jokes when away from their SO's.

Obviously I'm a bit of a fatalist and think most couples are unhealthy, but judging by the high divorce rate and ridiculous amount of ranting people do about marriage, I think I am correct.

 

Obviously what you said is true for most things. I'm not sure 'hiding' is the right word for what I'm referring to, though. I think it is more accurate to say that we all act slightly differently in different environments.

We tend to act a certain way at work, in public, in private, in front of our parents, at church, at a nightclub, etc. And they usually aren't the same. Human behavior is inherently contextual. Who, what, where, when, etc. matter in terms of what is 'appropriate behavior.' And "with your significant other" is just one of those contexts.

Consider: Have you ever stared at the asses of the girls on the treadmill when you were at the gym? If so, do you do so when your significant other is present?

Have you ever complimented any of the lovely ladies in the boobie or bootie threads? Would you feel comfortable saying "Nice tits" if your significant other overheard it?

I think that a certain amount of harmless flirting, looking, etc. is sort of an instinctive and inextricable part of how human beings behave. We do things like laugh, smile, make eye contact, etc. in the presence of people we find attractive. We tend to let our eyes linger on people we find attractive. And most of us sort of tone down this type of behavior in the presence of our partners as a matter of common courtesy. But I think that it would be a mistake to label these types of things as "cheating." It's a slippery slope, sure, but I think it's worthwhile to make some level of distinction.

 

That I can agree with. However, there are only a few subtle differences, like I might swear more when out with friends.

That I don't do, whether I'd be in a relationship or not. However, I have a feeling that I'll be the only one in that dinghy.

As for the Focus of the thread, I think it's definitely cheating, unless it is done with the prior approval and encouragement of your S.O./Fuckbuddy/FWB/Spouse.

 

I do it just as much around her, and she'll usually laugh when she catches me because she's confident in the fact that while I appreciate other women, I'm satisfied with her and wouldn't dream of actually touching someone else... and the fact that I'm that idiot guy that doesn't realize he's ogling. She also comments on how good looking GSP is when he's headlining a UFC and ogles the shit out of him, but I know that at the end of the day she's with me. She's heterosexual, it's not like she can flip a switch and all of a sudden only be attracted to me. I'd rather be honest with each other and live with the fact that we are attracted to other people than live in some sort of manufactured land of mutual denial.

I understand that this isn't common, like I said before, I think most relationships would come crashing down if both parties were completely aware of the other's behavior and thoughts, but I think most relationships shouldn't exist.

As for the random flirting, that is a bit of a gray area, I'm not aware of being different around other women when I'm not with her, but I probably am. I don't really consider that cheating though since it's pretty much a natural reaction, it would be like getting mad at a rock for falling when you let go of it.

 

Unless you are arranging to meet up in the real world online I don't consider it cheating. Online just isn't real to me, I also don't consider flirting with woman at a bar cheating.

Rubbing one out to pictures and text on a 22" LCD monitor is just a porn variant, cheating starts with physical intimacy, or the intent to instigate it in the real world. And that kids means face to face, dick to vag.

The rest is just plain faggotry.

 

I openly flirt with my friend from Colorado who is currently in a relationship. I flirt with a lot of women knowing they are in a relationship, but it's always harmless flirting. I'd love to be in a relationship with the woman from Colorado, however because she is in a relationship currently I wouldn't make a move even if she was here in Texas. I've got too much self respect as the man I've grown into to be a home wrecker. I cheated a few times on my girlfriend in high school (with the same girl, just multiple instances) and didn't reflect on the consequences until I got out of high school and had someone cheat on me. It's a horrible feeling and I haven't done it since high school.

 

He didn't lay any game, he was/is just really cool. We had major chemistry when we talked or texted. It's rather unusual for me to flirt and send pictures like that. But he is wicked hot, so maybe that was his game, haha

He lives in Texas, we met on the web. I'm in Colorado, so maybe it wasn't real in a sense to me. I feel a bit guilty at times about it, however, as my current relationship improved and flourished.

If I were to be single, I'd probably send him naked pictures again...

 

I resolved this potential issue fairly easily by talking to my wife about it. I'm also a fairly anal retentive guy so maybe it's just that I am more prone to covering all my bases ahead of time, but in this case I find that it pays off. I have explicitly discussed with my wife issues relating to porn, ogling women, complimenting them, flirting, etc. We discussed and agreed to boundaries and that's that. Simple.

To refine our definitions of cheating here a bit then, let's say it's when you do something you know, or think, is going to break a boundary in your relationship(commonly connoted as involving someone one else in some fashion, see blow). If you think that boundary is unreasonable and you go ahead and break it it's *still* cheating. The ethical approach is to either change the boundary through mutual assent or break up. Breaking that boundary prior to doing one of those two things makes you a cheater. Granted, some cheating *is* worse than others, but that's a question of how easy is it to work through or forgive, it doesn't change the fact that an infraction has occurred.

Btw, one of the problems with defining cheating is that, really, it's just another part of a greater spectrum of rules, agreements, and understandings that make up a marriage. So is posting your tits on TiB "cheating"? It's a weird semantic question because an element that I think most people associate with cheating is another person in some capacity. However, if you know, or think, that your partner would not be ok with you posting your tits and you do it anyway, then you're breaking a boundary for certain even if it's not specifically to show your tits to *that guy over there*. Don't like that restriction then renegotiate it, suck it up, or break up, but dishonesty and concealment is not the way to go.

 

Oh la la...

 

We haven't really touched on these two elements, but I think they're needed to cross the fuzzy line from plain old exhibitionism to cheating: intent and connection... and they tend to go hand in hand.

What I mean by connection is that there's a major difference between flashing your norks to all and sundry, and quietly emailing pics of your rack to one particular person. There is a double standard though. Showing your naughty bits to a crowd of 100 strangers is probably not cheating. Subsequently fucking them all probably is.