Long story short, The Wife and I are going through a bit of a problem with her little sister (Their dad is deceased, and their mom took off on them shortly after the sister was born, so The Wife is the legal guardian and provider for her 20 year old sister). She was in a single-car accident around 1AM early Tuesday morning (thankfully, she is ok, just a few bruises), completely totaling the car that we had just given to her free and clear (which helped save her life, because her other old piece of shit car would have killed her), and now she is lying to us about the circumstances surrounding the event (which is the main problem- she's a young dumb 20 year old who does stupid things, and this is not the first time she has lied to us). The Wife is completely distressed over the situation, and wanted to go out to their Italian aunt's house (where her sister is staying while she recovers) to talk to her to see if we might be able to come to some sort of understanding (about if she can start doing the right thing, because I am NOT giving her another car with the insurance money). I came along for support, and to help make sure that she understands the seriousness of the situation. So we go and sit down, and after a short talk, the entire conversation switches to Spanish, of which I speak VERY little. Great, now I don't know what the fuck is going on, so naturally, my mind starts to wander a little bit. If yall know anything about me, yall know that I'm a friggin' idiot, so here is pretty much how my inner monologue went for most of the evening: The Wife & Sister: *Emotionally Speaking in Spanish* BD's Thoughts: Man, this isn't good, I hate to see The Wife have to go through this, and to be put into this kind of emotional state... Wait a minute... Do I smell quesadillas? *Looks in Kitchen* I do! The Italians are cooking quesadillas! The Wife & Sister: *Emotionally Speaking in Spanish* BD's Thoughts: Shit, I know that I'm on my diet during the week so that I can do whatever I want on the weekends, but MAN those smell good! I thought if anything they'd be cooking lasagna or something, and that wouldn't bother me as much because The Wife and I are making those for dinner on Friday, but SHIT this might be more than I can bear! The Wife & Sister: *Emotionally Speaking in Spanish* BD's Thoughts: ... The Italians' dogs have stupid haircuts. The Wife & Sister: *Emotionally Speaking in Spanish, Now with Crying Thrown In* BD's Thoughts: Fuck, she's crying... Aw, man, this really eats me up inside. I know! I'm going to go get them each a quesadilla! *Suggest they take a break, goes into kitchen, gets a quesadilla for each of them* BD's Thoughts: There! That'll help calm them down! I'll tell you, I know its hard to keep emotions out of talks like this, but it really is for the bes... Oh wait, they've switched back to English, better contribute to the conversation... *Put on serious face, take small part in conversation, before it switches back to Spanish* BD's Thoughts: Whew, I don't know if I'm helping any, but I'm sure we'll get this all worked out............. You know, I think we may have the stuff to make quesadillas at the house! The Wife & Sister: *Emotionally Speaking in Spanish* BD's Thoughts: ............... And I can get some sour cream when I go to the store this weekend! It'll be great! BEST LUNCH EVER! Wait, why is that dog with the lazy eye looking at me like that? Eff you, Lazy Eye Dog! Go dig up a bone or something and leave me alone! The Wife & Sister: *Emotionally Speaking in Spanish* BD's Thoughts: ................. Chris Johnson better end his holdout soon. I'm not picking that dumb piece of shit in fantasy if he's still holding out. I wonder if "The Lazy Eyed Dogs" would be a good fantasy name? Or even better, I wonder if I can snap off a picture of that ugly dong without distracting The Wife and her sister from their talk... The Wife & Sister: *Emotionally Speaking in Spanish* BD's Thoughts: ... Or for that matter, how inappropriate would it be to reach over and take a bite of The Wife's quesadilla... She still has a little bit left, and I've been doing great with my workouts... Around this point, they wrapped up their talk, and came together in a big weepy crying hug. I'm taking this as a good sign, but then I catch something out the corner of my eye: BD's Thoughts: Holy Crap! My Wife is hugging and making up with her sister while holding her quesadilla in her hand! BWWWWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT A FRIGGIN' MEXICAN! I can't WAIT to make fun of her for that when we get back in the car! Like I said, I'm an idiot. Focus: Fact is, we rarely say what it is we are thinking while interacting with others. Give a voice to your inner monologue during an event in your life- serious event, funny event, whatever. Tell us what you are REALLY thinking about.
Any female: [speaking about anything on any given day] Any straight male: I wonder if she'd let me put it in her butt? /thread ...someone was bound to do it, just figured we'd get it out of the way early.
My right out-of-college job summarized: Customer: I Need IT help. My [insert component or program] isn't working. Those are your prices? Why do I have to pay those? [Insert other company] doesn't charge that much, maybe I'll go to them. How long is or going to take? Can't you do it any quicker, I need it for [insert meaningless purpose]. Do you even know what you're doing? Can someone else help me? My Thoughts: Fuck off and fix it yourself, I don't give a shit you cunt/asshole. No one fucking uses Real Player/Music Match Jukebox/Windows ME/Gateway 2000s anymore. Go home and kill yourself.
One of my ex's had a stupid younger sister that was an absolute emotional vampire and raging cunt... but she has the nicest set of tits I've ever seen. Perfect double D goodness on a Diora Baird level. She was engaged and then her fiance broke it off. Of course she immediately needed consoling so she came over to my place where her sister was living at the time. I really liked her fiance/boyfriend and completely understood why he decided to cut his loses. She was hot but also a solar flare hot mess. Something you definitely fuck, maaaaaaaybe date, not marry. Sister: (sobbing snot bubble producing crying) I... I... I... (waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaaaa) can't... I... ca-ca-ca-can't... I ca-ca-ca-can't beee... (waaaaaaaaaaahahaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaah) I can't believe he du-du-du-dum-ped meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) Fawkes brain: Look at those fucking tits. Big ole titties covered in tears. Just the way we like em, am I right!? Rinse. Repeat about 1000 times.
I was at a good old-fashioned country fair last night, and even though we are only a hoot and holler from NYC, the crowd looked like it was straight out of Iowa. A guy on line in front of me had a t-shirt that read "Hunters get all the big racks" on the back of it. The first thing I did was check out his wife - who had B cups at best. So of course my thought was "Really Sparky? Then how do you explain her?"
<a class="postlink" href="http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=24418&title=what-men-want" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/ind ... t-men-want</a> Sorry don't know the imbedded coding. Basically sums up every guys response. From the day my roommate finally broke up with his girl and was kicking her out of the house: Her: Crying, sobbing, shoving, slapping. FUCKING ASSHOLE! (tube top slides down revealing her boob) KK Inner Monologue: Titty titty titty titty titty titty titty!
Any time my girlfriend and I are having a conversation, she'll stop and ask me what I'm thinking. I have to think on my feet, because it's usually along the lines of: Is there a new Jon Benjamin on tonight? I thought last week was the finale but I just saw a commercial for it. He has my favorite voice just behind Patrick Warburton. I wonder if I would like to be a dog. Is it worth only living for 15 years to be pampered like that? Would my dog behave the same way if he has an understanding of his own mortality? How many people are having sex in this apartment complex as we speak? Shit, how many people have had sex in my bedroom before I lived here? I wonder what Danzig is doing right this second. Does Danzig read CNN.com? Does Danzig have to check his mail? I know Danzig has cats. Is Danzig vacuuming his house right now? If nothing else is on my mind, I'll start staring at the design on her dress or lines on the bedsheets trying to decipher some sort of pattern. Sometimes I feel like full-out autism might be easier.
Customer: I have invented the most useful product ever! I have spent 6 years and $250,000 developing X. Me: <excited smile> That's fantastic! Tell me, what was the inspiration for this? What problem are you solving, and for whom? Customer: Oh. Err... see, I've used a berillium core flux capacitor to upcycle the megawatts! Me: <smile starting to look a little strained> Good, good. Have you had a look to see if anyone else has done something similar? What problems are people having with the existing solution? Customer: I'm an expert in my field! I know that nothing like this exists! Me: <smile no longer touching my eyes> Ok, what would you say is the closest competing product, so that I can do some homework and get back to you on the relative merits of each product? Customer: There is nothing like this! Sure there are products Y and Z which achieve the same thing, but they use a totally different method! Me: What is the advantage of using your method? Customer: I've used a berillium core flux capacitor to upcycle the megawatts! Me: Fuck. I have this conversation at least once a week.
Drunk douchebag: I wanna bang your friend, I think I'm gonna do it. Me: I wonder who would miss him if he were to disappear... "I don't think anyone would miss you if you were to disappear." I have a terrible brain to mouth filter.
I had the following conversation the other week- girl: Have you heard of that diet where you choose your foods based on your blood type? me: Huh? No way. girl: Yeah your blood type can be traced back to your ancestors and what they used to eat too. me: So what is your blood type? girl: A positive and that means that I should not eat meat. me: Oh so.... blah blah (pretending I'm still interested) The whole time I was actually just thinking - This is fucking retarded. Stupid vegetarians.