Adult Content Warning

This community may contain adult content that is not suitable for minors. By closing this dialog box or continuing to navigate this site, you certify that you are 18 years of age and consent to view adult content.

I'M MARK FUCKING WAHLBERG!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by LessTalk MoreStab, Jan 18, 2012.

  1. LessTalk MoreStab

    LessTalk MoreStab
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2009
    Messages:
    750
    If MARK FUCKING WAHLBERG was a real person rather that a douchebag Hollywood actor he would have a grounding in reality better than anyone else in the whole fucking world.

    I really want to see MARK FUCKING WAHLBERG in a fight to the death with half a dozen guys armed with box cutters. Can anyone set this up?
     
  2. StayFrosty

    StayFrosty
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2010
    Messages:
    1,149
    If Mark Wahlberg was Julius Caesar, he would have won the Gallic Wars in two weeks.

    If Mark Wahlberg was Tom Cruise, he would have forcibly converted the entire world to Scientology. ("I'm the guy who communes with Thetans, you must be the otha fuckin guy."
     
  3. $100T2

    $100T2
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    108
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    1,966
    If Mark Wahlberg was a white rapper, he'd be more popular than Eminem... oh wait, never mind.

    If Mark Wahlberg was a NASA scientist, he'd know that you have to convert from inches to centimeters.

    If Mark Wahlberg was a contortionist, he could literally go fuck himself.

    If Mark Wahlberg was Santa, adults would still believe, and he'd deliver the presents in one hour instead of one night.

    If Mark Wahlberg was Jesus, he would have turned water into wine, beer and mixed drinks in a bar with no cover charge.
     
  4. Trakiel

    Trakiel
    Expand Collapse
    Call me Caitlyn. Got any cake?

    Reputation:
    245
    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2009
    Messages:
    3,167
    Location:
    St. Paul, MN
    Semi-honest question: Why does Mark Wahlberg have to apologize for making some tough-guy remark, while all those assholes who claim shit like 9/11 was a government conspiracy don't have to apologize for all their bullshit?

    focus:

    If Mark Wahlberg was Joe Paterno, he would've gone into that shower and beat the shit out of Sandusky right then and there.

    If Mark Wahlberg ran the SEC, all those crooks on Wall Street would be in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

    If Mark Wahlberg was Amy Winehouse, he'd be alive and giving Keith Richards a run for his money.
     
  5. Juice

    Juice
    Expand Collapse
    Moderately Gender Fluid

    Reputation:
    1,354
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    13,180
    Location:
    Boston
    If Mark Wahlberg was Gabrielle Giffords he would have deflected the bullet of his head and back into Jared Loughner.

    If Mark Wahlberg was Anne Frank he would have kept the fucking noise down in the attic.

    If Mark Wahlberg was piloting the Challenger Shuttle he would have plugged the fuel leak with his dick until he could have landed it.
     
  6. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
    Expand Collapse
    Just call me Topher

    Reputation:
    944
    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2009
    Messages:
    22,564
    Location:
    London, Ontario
    If Mark Wahlberg joined the War On Drugs, there would be a big smoking hole on the map where Columbia used to be.

    If Mark Wahlberg died, his reanimated corpse would pop up out of the coffin at the funeral and break into "Good Vibrations". Then, he'd curl some cinder block barbells to keep the badassery intact.
     
  7. dubyu tee eff

    dubyu tee eff
    Expand Collapse
    Thinks he has a chance with Christina Hendricks...

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2009
    Messages:
    1,383
    If Mark Wahlberg was a pair of pants, he would never require ironing.

    If Mark Wahlberg were a textbook, he would come brand new with all the important information already highlighted.

    Mark Wahlberg never needs a flat head screwdriver on account of his fingernails being impossible to break.

    If Mark Wahlberg were a smartphone, his data would be incapable of throttling.

    If Mark Wahlberg were a congressman, his legislation would never require a reconciliation to pass.

    Am I doing this right?
     
  8. Disgustipated

    Disgustipated
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    969
    Location:
    Gold Coast, Australia
    If Mark Wahlberg was a Buddhist monk in South Vietnam in 1963, he would have covered himself in fuel, yelled "flame on!" and taken out the government oppressors with flaming fists of fury.

    If Mark Wahlberg was a pair of tighty whiteys, he would have given himself an atomic wedgie.
     
  9. shegirl

    shegirl
    Expand Collapse
    Redemption Seeking Whore

    Reputation:
    459
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    5,435
    Location:
    Hell
    If Mark Walberg was here I'd still fuck him.
     
  10. dubyu tee eff

    dubyu tee eff
    Expand Collapse
    Thinks he has a chance with Christina Hendricks...

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2009
    Messages:
    1,383
    If Mark Wahlberg were a math professor, he would take the square root of a negative number and then divide it by 0, all without requiring a laplace transform.

    If Mark Wahlberg were a hyperbolic function, he would converge to the asymptote well before infinity.

    If Mark Wahlberg were a belly button, he would never accumulate lint.

    If Mark Wahlberg were a shin, the legs of tables would run for cover when he approached in the dark.

    If Mark Wahlberg were a television set from the year 2000, he would be HDTV ready.
     
  11. CharlesJohnson

    CharlesJohnson
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    401
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    3,974
    If Mark Wahlberg was a politician, he would have been the first black president 10 years ago.

    If Mark Wahlberg was Lynyrd Skynyrd's pilot he would have crawled out the window, hung under the plane to glide it to the ground, and used his massive leg muscles as landing gears.... chopping down the trees of a dense forest with his erection.

    If Mark Wahlberg was a gerbil he would have punched his way out of Richard Gere's anus.

    If Mark Wahlberg was made of wood he'd be the shitty star of The Italian Job.
     
  12. dubyu tee eff

    dubyu tee eff
    Expand Collapse
    Thinks he has a chance with Christina Hendricks...

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2009
    Messages:
    1,383
    If a documentary was made about Morgan Freeman, it would be narrated by Mark Wahlberg.

    McDonalds now offers combos in small, medium, large, supersize, and Mark Wahlberg.

    When physicists finally discover dark matter, they will realize it was because E=MC^2 + Mark Wahlberg.

    If Mark Wahlberg were a banana in a fridge, he would still ripen properly.

    Mark Wahlberg's primary mode of transportation is a jackhammer.

    Ok I'll stop now.

    edit: One more. Eventually, Mark Wahlberg will go bald, not due to male pattern baldness, but due to his hair coming to its senses and realizing that it is a good idea to stay far far away from Mark Wahlberg.
     
  13. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
    Expand Collapse
    Just call me Topher

    Reputation:
    944
    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2009
    Messages:
    22,564
    Location:
    London, Ontario
    If Mark Wahlberg and Chuck Norris got in a fight, the universe would collapse in paradox because Gods fighting each other would be too much awesome for existence to handle.

    MArk Wahlberg will impregnate your girlfriend just by standing down wind from her.

    If Mark Whalberg wasn't in the movie Fear I would probably respect him more as an actor, but STILL that impossibly horrible movie sticks in my mind to this day. Mark Wahlberg is going to beat me up for saying that.
     
  14. Raoul153

    Raoul153
    Expand Collapse
    Village Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2009
    Messages:
    27
    I thought this thread was about Chuck Norris changing his name by deed-poll and everyone deciding they can cash in on the jokes again?
     
  15. McSmallstuff

    McSmallstuff
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    2
    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2009
    Messages:
    1,504
    If Mark Wahlberg was Dwayne Johnson, everyone would smell what he was cooking.
     
  16. Kampf Trinker

    Kampf Trinker
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    324
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,690
    Location:
    Minnesota
    If Mark Walberg was at the American embassy during the Tet offensive he would have killed all the VC with one arm tied behind his back, blind folded, and with his dick hanging out.

    If Mark Walberg was in Afghanistan back in 2001 he would have shot Osama Bin Laden with a sniper rifle, fucked his wives, and brewed Nordstrom ale all at the same.

    This gets old fast.
     
  17. Bjornturoc

    Bjornturoc
    Expand Collapse
    Average Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    73
    I think we need to focus more on historical events rather than regurgitated Chuck Norris jokes.

    If Mark Wahlberg was at the Haymarket Riot with his kids, he would have caught the dynamite and thrown it into the Chicago river. Then he would have said everything was OK, and that he doesn't get down with jerking off.
     
  18. xrayvision

    xrayvision
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    506
    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2009
    Messages:
    6,298
    Location:
    Hyewston
    I dunno, I think the point is to make Mark Walberg seem so completely insensitive, like his 9/11 comment was.

    If Mark Walberg was piloting the plane that hit that goose in New York, he would have actually landed the plane on a runway.(unlike Chesley Sullenberger)

    I don't think my response was very funny. But I think thats the gist.
     
  19. c_norris

    c_norris
    Expand Collapse
    Experienced Idiot

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2009
    Messages:
    213
    Location:
    drifting by, totally
    If Mark Wahlberg were Fanta, everyone would want one, all the time, forever.

    Am I doing it right?
     
  20. Sam N

    Sam N
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    951
    Location:
    texas
    If Mark Wahlberg was a real person, he would be insane. Erh, wait....

    If Mark Wahlberg were God, there would be no "problem of evil." Ahh, uh...

    If Mark Wahlberg liked to drink drinks, he would...
     

    Attached Files: