There's certain things people will say that will automatically make you believe the opposite. A classic example of this is anyone going "I'm really funny." You know this person is going to be the exact opposite of funny. About a week ago I'm sitting in a casino bar in Atlantic City at 930am drinking mimosas because 1. They're delicious, 2. They're free and 3. Fuck you, I don't have to explain myself! When in comes a guy complaining how the bar closes for 3 hours every day in the morning. I make the mistake of engaging him in conversation about how in Vegas they always have 1 bar always open. This prompted him to tell me the closing times of every bar in AC casinos because he's there at least once or twice a week and has to add in "I'm not a degenerate or anything." Of course you're not. Another good one was a few years back I'm out having drinks with a friend, her friend and that girl's boyfriend. The guy is purchasing me a disproportionate number of drinks when out of nowhere he goes "so I'm not gay or anything but I have this friend who is a brolic gay dude..." and proceeds to show me pictures of this guy in his underwear for no reason while telling me a story. A few minutes later he goes again "just so you know I'm not gay or anything but I have another friend who is a brolic gay guy..." tells me another story once again while showing me half naked pics of the guy. At this point I tell him to stop showing me pics of guys. He leaves and I tell my friend that he's gay. She insists he isn't because her friend is dating him...3 months later my friend calls me to tell me I was right and he left her for another guy. Focus: What phrases or claims will always make you automatically believe the opposite of what the person is saying? Alt Focus: Conversely have you ever heard one of these claims believed it to be bullshit and then proven wrong.
Once, someone told me something so unbelievable that I just sat there, mouth agape, wondering how in the blue fuck they could tell me they... bump.
Focus: "Your call is important to us"... so we're going to keep you on hold while a robot woodpeckers your skull for 45 minutes. "We are fair/non-bias/fact-based news network." "I'm not racist, BUT..." "If elected, I promise to..." Do my best to stay a politician and only do favours for those who line my pockets". "Catch all the exciting WNBA action!"
The Marketing Director at my company: "I'm technical", followed by a statement or four where she proves she's not at all technical.
Ding ding ding. I'm not racist but here is a laundry list of why I hate every minority. But it's ok "because I hate everyone!" Also acceptable: "My friends tell me I'm so intuitive and compassionate" or "I'm over my ex." My favorite one off Facebook: "I love my life!" Right. You moved cross country for a guy you barely knew, broke up, you now live in a small, frozen city close to Canada, married to a guy who works at CarFax. Who the fuck you trying to fool? Basically, anything anyone tells me ever, no matter what relation they are to me or how close we are personally, I am incredulous. This way I will never be taken aback, caught off guard, or sodomized in my sleep by someone off their meds.
Any time someone says "I'm really good at [fill in the blank]". Based on my experience this always means the exact opposite, 100% of the time.
And this is part of the reason it's so hard to get good IT/dev staff hired. I've found that the more people learn about a subject, the more humble they become about the depth of their knowledge... it's usually the ones that know the least that are the first to say how much they know. Case in point... just hired a guy last week who was very, very humble, and basically "failed" the interview with my tech lead and a senior developer, because "he didn't seem like he really knew his stuff". They were, for the most part, relying on the guy to tell them how much he knew... to sell them on himself. He was very self-deprecating during the process, and they didn't ask the right questions or dig into things enough to form their own assessment... they just interpreted that self-deprecation and humility as lack of knowledge. I hired the guy anyway based on my gut feel, and both of those guys have since said he's one of the smartest guys they've ever met... even if he does come across as a giddy hobbit. It definitely was a learning experience for those guys on how to interview someone.
When someone says, let me be honest with you, let me be straight with you I know they are full of shit.
"I'm not trying to sell you anything..." Had a salesman come to my door a few weeks ago pitching some tech that syncs your phone to your heater/security system and includes a peephole camera, essentially turning your place into a smart home. He technically wasn't lying -- he wanted to install it for free so that I would tell my neighbours about it and they would, ideally, want to purchase it. Fucking everything about this kid -- from the unheard of (likely recently changed) company name on his shirt, to his hair cut, to his rehearsed lines and "jokes" (after I answered that I have an iPhone, not a Samsung: "Was there a groupon for iPhones in this neighbourhood? Seems like everyone I've talked to has one!") -- absolutely SCREAMED 'total scam'. And he repeated many times that he wasn't there to sell anything. It got to the point where I started thinking he wasn't just a scammer, but was actually scoping out the area to look for houses to break into. JUST as I had that thought he started asking about my security system and what kind of brand of thermostat I have. I gave yet another emotionless, one-word answer of, "Dunno," at which point he asked to come in and see for himself. I raised an eyebrow and told him we're done here, and he seemed genuinely shocked that I wouldn't even give my name. Soon as I closed the door I Googled the company name. It's real, and they do in fact install it for free. Problem is, that's all they do, and all the systems break down, and they'll never come fix them, or they will but they wont work the same, and they have 60-month contracts you can't get out of, and they pick on the elderly, and on and on. I actually can't wait till it happens again, whatever the scam is. My plan is to whip out my phone and search the company name immediately. Then I'll tell the scammer that I'm going to type 'S' after it and see if 'scam' is the first thing that comes up, or give them a chance to fuck off on their own.
Seriously I'm just a judgmental person but.... I'm actually a nice person once you get to know me Conversely: Once you guys get to know her she's really amazing (guy referring to new girlfriend that everyone is in the fence on) She has a really great personality (always a setup for a blind date, usually not a great personality regardless) Hockey: Want some advice? (good players don't hand out advice they mind their own business and you ask them) This person is always terrible but manages to know everything New stick, wait till I get used to it Back in juniors I scored 30 (in some league you've never heard of and he didn't actually play in)
Thats not herpes.... (Thankfully never experienced this one, I'm willing to be a few people on here have and believed them)
...don't forget its sister status quote, along the lines of: "ZOMG I hate everything now. I don't want to talk to anybody about it, just leave me be." So you posted it publicly on the world's most popular social media site, you fuck. DIE.