Unlike what seems every other 9-foot-tall male on this site (seriously, you guys are either completely full of shit or should start a fucking basketball team), I am 5'9", 190 lbs, and look like a scowling fullback. I am 33, married, and I have a 2-year-old daughter than can punch dents in sheetrock. I work out five days a week and smoke pot seven (guess which I enjoy more). My hobbies include getting high and yelling at you chowderheads, playing music and making a scene. I have a LOT of scars and often get confused with various good-looking people. I like getting bombed...JAMES Bombed. I also put on mean dishwashing clinics, can name all Seven Dwarfs faster than any human being on earth and have been thrown in jail on four seperate occasions (all non-violent and non-felony. LADIEEEES). I love travelling, movies, all types of tunes and my favourite colour is green. You: Tall women are my Kryptonite, but I am not a picky guy. I am full-on turned-on if you can keep jealousy and insecurities at bay, as well as pick a Buffalo wing clean with your teeth. Blonde, Brunette (yowza), redhead, I don't see race. Enjoy music, concerts, "fun things" and don't get offended by gallows humour and you are up my alley.
Addendum: If you call yourself "Daddy" at any point in our masquerade of a relationship, I will wait until you are asleep and smother you with a pillow. Not enough to kill you, just enough so that you wake up coughing and disoriented. I will do this any time you call yourself daddy, until you have been trained like Pavlov's dog to stop.
Me:5'9, 20 year old woman in college that will be highly in debt by the time I actually start my career. Cynical by most standards but realistic in my own mind; makes fun of dumb bitches with daddy issues and no self esteem even though the first two years in high school I was that girl. Can't stand most people and find that most people do not understand the concept of respect. Wants to change the world even though it is highly unlike since there are no networks or money to work with. Biggest weakness is being there for people that just use me for a shoulder to cry on. Likes to mess with people and manipulate them when they aren't smart enough to know any different. Has a girl-next-door quality; D-cup and a big ass that can be easily deceived if not wearing the proper jeans. Red-headed Italian and isn't afraid to show it. Extremely stubborn and many times will fight until the death for what I think even if my argument is off. Rarely will apologize but when I do, it means something. You:Early 20s. Preferably "tall, dark, and handsome". Basically an Italian, not a guido, but at least a guy that is my height or taller and athletic. Intelligence is a must. A personality that is similar to mine. Has the same views on life and morals. Knows how to handle me at my worst and love me at my best. Has great taste in films and music. Must love the city and family is an important part of life. Does not want to get married until late 20s, only have 2 or 3 kids, and understand my passion of my career.
Me: 28 year old 6' tall overweight (+- 240 lbs) geek with asthma, glasses and mouse-brown hair, though I am currently rocking a goatee, which looks better than me without a goatee. I'm unemployed and still live with my parents. Honestly, one thing I've learned early at this stage in my life is that there is no career: you just go from job to job and try to save as much as you can for the periods when there is no work - I've learned that from my dad. I'm completely lazy in bed and more likely to just roll over and go to sleep than have sex with you, so you're better off going with your Rabbit or whatever sex toy is "in" that week. I don't really like to talk about my feelings, but if I do, it's your duty to mock and laugh at me for being an idiot and opening my mouth in the first place. I can cook and am willing to try different things in the kitchen (with the way my mom cooks, it's that, or starve to death) - however, I will NOT eat bacon under any circumstances (it makes me feel sick). I am also not averse to cleaning (dishes, vacuuming, laundry, etc.) and I will start shouting if you clean and leave ANYTHING dirty (dust doesn't count here). You: Can be between 5 years younger and 5 years older than me. MUST enjoy games on either console or PC (no preference). Must be able to indulge my manic gaming moods and not bother me unless you like "I'm busy... FUCK OFF!" being shouted at you. Nothing too specific about your looks, other than you must weigh less than me (preferably not more than 170 lbs., or else, between us, the couch would collapse) and, preferably, not be blonde - I've never had a good relationship of any form with a blonde. I do prefer a girl that doesn't have a huge ass, and B Cup is plenty - more than a handful is a waste, right? So, for a mostly non-sexual, gaming-involved relationship, give me a call!
Me: 21, 6'0, 170 lbs, and reasonably fit. I eat healthy, exercise regularly, and generally keep the curb high on any 'hedonistic behavior.' It isn't quite the Patrick Bateman 'exercise routine' but maybe a step in that direction. Although some call me good looking, I have a prevalent tendency to shoot myself in the foot when it comes to relationships, often before things even get started. Once I realize that a girl is into me, I back-pedal out of the situation until a show of verbal and emotional fireworks ensues. This is due to my egregious nature, and having a mind thats overly active in all of the wrong ways. I neurotically over-analyze the little things, to the point where I develop standards impractical for any kind of life on this earth. If you, for example, dirty my bathroom towel, or don't fold your laundry the 'proper way,' that isn't just a minor nuisance, but rather a rather vicious assault on everything I personally stand for. But I won't express that on the outside, as it would break my generally mild-mannered demeanor. I enjoy reading, philosophy, and spending my social time around people who prefer humorous banter and 'dicking around' as opposed to real conversation and friendships, as the latter is a door-opener to all kinds of manipulative trickery (did I also mention trust issues?). I neither like small talk nor revealing personal details, as these in the past have been large down-payments on a one-way ticket to that foul place known as 'Interpersonal Drama Land.' You: Extrovert, cheerful and bubbly, but not to the point where you've divorced yourself from the notion that we live in a difficult, uncertain world. Preferably you're an angsty idealist on the inside, who thinks big picture and long term (fans and followers of any of the new-age 'Live in the Moment' movements, aka "an easy rationalization for not taking the driver's seat in my life" need not apply). You should be average looking (people who are excessively attractive to me lack the 'human warmth' in their appearance, which is creepy) and reasonably physically competent (someone who interacts with their daily physical surroundings in a clumsy, awkward, non-fluidic way to me is someone who has signs of Darwinian inferiority). You should also be someone who, when you write, uses run-on sentences and highlights 'important-sounding terms' in single quotes, comme ça. Bitches.
About me: The first thing you'll probably notice about me is that I'm tall and strong, but with a sizable gut. Yes it's been a while since I've been to the gym, and yes it's because since I graduated college and don't have a car I haven't been able to get my ass to a treadmill, weight set, or swimming pool for almost a year. Fortunately I keep telling myself this will all change once I finally get my car, but it's been over two months since I was supposed to pick it up, and it's still at the mechanic for repairs. But if you're worried I lack the determination to actually haul my ass to the gym once I finally do get it, you're sorely mistaken and have made a serious tactical error. In fact, my determination and flat out stubbornness will overrule common sense, and even my own basic needs and desires once I've committed to a decision. No matter how trivial the matter may be, i can be totally resolute and immovable on my opinions. However, I am incredibly easy going. I don't care what you've done in the past as long as it doesn't negatively impact my life in the present. To say I'm detached from my emotions is like saying a shoe is not attached to your foot. I have emotions, I can have incredibly powerful emotions in relation to certain things, but I don't really understand the emotions I feel as they happen and mostly live in a state of indifferent detachment from reality. I live comfortably within my own head, and can go entire days without speaking a word to anyone. Conversely I can frequently babble like an idiot, especially when I am drunk or extremely comfortable in an intimate situation, or go on long-winded discussions about subjects about which I have knowledge. I have been known to turn a drunken night at the bar into a lecture on fish jaw structure, however I actively try and keep a lid on it unless asked, and usually my lectures receive a positive response from my audience. I am blunt. If you do something I dislike I'll be sure to tell you about it, especially if there are lots of people standing around within earshot. I also enjoy toying with people, when I'm in the mood. I will say things specifically because they irk you. History buff? I'll quote Stalin and attribute it to Lenin. I don't mind looking like a fool if it riles you. Philosophy buff? I'll tell you I think philosophy is intellectual masturbation that spends a lot of effort accomplishing absolutely nothing. It doesn't even matter whether I believe it, I'll say it anyway and watch. Fucked a lot of guys? I'll bring it up frequently in conversation with jokes revolving around the subject. I'll dance a fine line, goading you while remaining amicable. Making jokes at your expense, but backing off before you're offended. I'll poke the lion until he's about to strike, then step back and bask in his agitation. I'll play a subtle game of controlling your emotions simply because I can, but I'll always stop short of causing lasting offense and hostility. Then I'll switch to being contemplatively detached, or even nice. I'll let the dust clear and tempers calm before I decide to play again. But this picture conveys only the mental games I play. I also partake in physical games. Don't try to intimidate me with a show of force, we both know I'm stronger and while I'll do everything I can not to hurt or injure you in any way, I'm not above putting you in a headlock until you calm down if you take a swing at me. Guys have tried numerous times to intimidate me by getting in my face, I feel no sense of danger when this happens, and it ends in me headbutting them and pinning them to the ground. You don't want to get into a fight with me, it's not a good situation. I become absorbed by it and incredibly passionate. The times when I've been in fights I don't feel the adrenaline pumped, I don't feel tense, I actually relax a lot, my jaw hangs loosely and I actually become very calm and focused, and sometimes even giddy. I take blows like a champ and disregard my own safety in the highly offensive blitzkrieg I make on the opponent. I love a good fight. But I'm not aggressive, I seem to fall into these situations from time to time, and my stubbornness, desire to dominate, and seemingly natural knack for brawling form a perfect storm of shit getting fucked. But my life is mostly quiet and I don't seek out trouble. I'm highly accepting of most things. The emotional detachment plays a role in that laid back nature. You can tell me tales of horrible circumstances you lived through, terrible self-damaging decisions you have made, or stupid acts of self-destruction and I won't think any different of you. But the truth is I don't judge you mostly because I just don't care enough to spend that long thinking about other people. I may eventually realize that hanging out with a meth dealer that's killed three people is probably a bad idea, but when he first tells me these things I'll stare blankly at him and say "well that sucks" About me: I spend way too long thinking about things, I could spend my whole life thinking about things and writing about them, but I am pragmatic enough to know when i've reached the limit of useful analysis and have fallen into a spiral of meaningless overanalysis. However sometimes this doesn't stop me from continuing. You: A reasonably attractive woman approximately my age, being slightly older or younger is of no consequence, but if you're younger I WILL brag to my friends about it, not because I actually care but because I feel it is a point that can be bragged about and will irk them. You must also be equally strong willed as me and not afraid to voice your opinions. I don't want a submissive girl that will take all the bullshit I spew, I want someone who fights back and meets me in the middle, I want an equal. You must be intelligent, and I measure that intelligence with humor and ability to argue a point. You must be at least marginally comfortable with your sexuality. The last thing I want is to have to convince you that sex isn't the worst thing in the world that will cause you to never find true love because your husband will find out you're not a virgin and commit suicide. Never again will I allow myself to deal with that sexual hostage negotiation. You don't have to be comfortable enough to run down the street naked at random (although that's a plus in my book) but you do have to be at least emotionally capable of physical intimacy without a great deal of emotional fallout. well I tried, but there was a bunch of stuff I didn't get to, like the fact that I'm a terrible liar and don't even try to lie anymore, just being honest all the time out of simplicity. At the end of the day this was a tl; dr even for me. Edit: I think I just accidentally summed it up in one sentence in an unrelated PM: Edit 2: I just realized that a girl I'm in a relationship with wouldn't see any of that, so I'll revise it as such: About me: Absent-minded professor type. Deep thinker. Highly knowledgeable and skilled in many diverse fields. Tends to keep relationships casual. You: Must be capable of intelligent conversation, reasonably attractive, with few personal issues.
Me: 28 year old middle class caucasian software developer, 5'10 175 lbs with a reasonably attractive face and athletic build. I hide the hairline retreating from my head down my back by shaving my head. I'm a solid 7 physically, with the potential to be an 8. I spend most of the week working from home, cooking and working out, so I don't have a lot of activity time. I like to spend Friday afternoons starting a Happy Hour that lasts until I pass out for the night. In order to avoid the hangover on Saturday, I drink as soon as I a favorite bar opens or I find a friend with a similar propensity for afternoon outdoor shitfacedness. Because I'm 28, not 21, but have been doing this to myself since 17, this leaves me in an incredibly lethargic state on Sundays. It's all I can do to get out of bed to answer the door for the pizza delivery, which I will invariably eat in bed. I like buying things. Even things I don't need and will use twice. I'm a compulsive consumer, mostly on videogames, electronics, golf purchases and the occasional clothing. My compulsive nature extends beyond purchases. I will make decisions that I realize are horrible for the long-term, but serve a short-term need. I'm talking about sex, and I'm talking about sex with friends' exes, as long as they didn't date longer than a few months. I'm also talking about friends' moms. Well, just one mom, but I wish I still had her number. I'm not a player, but I have a relatively decent slut radar which in college allowed me to sleep with more than 20 but less than 50 women. I'm nowhere near sure of an exact number, and don't even have a ballpark figure of the 6 years since college. However, I'm extremely lucky in that I have zero STD's. However, I do have some morals. I've never cheated on a girlfriend, though that has not kept me from allowing proactive ladies to cheat on their boyfriends with me. I have 2 DUIs, the latter of which was 4 years ago. Because it resulted in an accident, and I am terrible at living but just within my means, I do not own a car and will not in the immediate future, save a massive raise I will not see working a public sector contract. Because I like a lot of different things, I tend to leave things incomplete and do not commit to anything. This will include you. Though perhaps it's because I don't like to commit to things that I like a lot of different ones. You: Will be out of my league. If you are a 7 physically, I will be attracted to you for approximately 2 months before believing I can do better. I undoubtedly cannot. If you are hotter than a 7 but have the intelligence of a person with a sub-120 IQ, I will not respect you and will treat you as an object. This is me using my intelligence as a way to compensate for all the other shortcomings. Preferable age 21-32. If you are more than 4 years older than me, we can certainly sleep together, but on the off chance this lasts I don't want to have to lie to you in your 50s. Our relationship: Will start out extremely hot. I'll avoid work to fuck you on the balcony and will go down on you at least daily. You'll get the feeling you always get that I might be the one, only this time you're sure it's for real. I will get the same feeling. I'll cook for you 3x/week if you'll load the dishwasher or blow me while I do the dishes. The sex will be great, and because I'm a chameleon, you'll believe that our personalities just click. After the aforementioned 2 months, I'll realize that I cannot function in a loving relationship because it's too much work. This may happen due to an argument or simply your desire for me to go somewhere at night I don't care to go. I'll find something you say and will use it to call you clingy, codependent and needy. I'll begin being as bluntly honest with you as I am with all my friends, you'll take my comments personally and we'll have what appears to be a mutual break-up where you act extremely emotional and hurt and I appear unaffected. Call me.