I am a 6'3'', 200 lb, recent college graduate. I am decent looking but I used to be a fatass and you will be able to tell, and I can't promise that I will never gain the weight back. I live with my mom and step dad and will continue to do so until I have a real job, and there is no telling when that will be. I am not a heavy drinker, but I do like my beer, so don't try to keep me from it. I am quiet, but it is not by choice; I just suck at initiating and holding conversations. I am only good at talking about things that I am interested in, which are old episodes of The Simpsons, NBA, trivia, and music. Speaking of music, I am a music snob, and if you like shitty music then we will probably not jive. The three favorite bands of the last girl who I dated were 3 Doors Down, Staind, and Shinedown...that relationship ended in disaster. So basically, don't expect a guy who will charm you. I am lazy; don't expect me to get up off the couch for something unless it interests me. I don't like vegetables, and I always feel like I am the only person who doesn't like sushi or Chinese food--don't expect me ever to eat any of that crap--I will decide what you cook and where we eat. I am passionate about politics and am a staunch libertarian, but as long as you don't try to ram your views down my throat I won't care if you disagree with my political views. I am also kind of sexist, and you will have to laugh off some of the things I say. If you can't then the best advice that I can give you is don't get to know me. The woman: You have to be at least decent looking. If you are fat or ugly, or if your pictures only show your face, do not even bother messaging me. It is a plus if you have a real job and your own place, since I don't.
While I am intelligent and diligent enough to be extremely competent at, and consequently unhappy in, jobs requiring a high-school diploma, I am incapable of satisfactory achievement in higher education. I prefer working 50-60 hours a week to finding a purpose in life. I don't speak French despite having probably devoted over 800 hours to it. I'm either really good in bed or bad enough that every (all three) woman I've been with thinks it's just easier to fake a couple of orgasms every time and tell me I'm amazing. I am: Male in a sort of unimpressive way. 22, look 18. Tall, thin, pretty. Dark, ancestrally inexplicable Jew hair. People often tell me that I seem like a serial killer. I mean very often, I keep track. Roughly once a month from various friends, and at least once in the first week I know someone new. While it's true that I'm utterly inexpressive, I secretly have the cloying personality of a Labrador retriever and would follow you through hell unless you yelled at me not to, in which case I would keep a polite distance forever and silently tear myself to pieces over your rejection. My current hobbies include inefficiently working out, running, procrastination and abjectly pining over my ex-girlfriend whom I am still friends (in love) with and speak to regularly. My future hobbies include baseless career changes, being too afraid of hurting anyone to commit suicide and abjectly pining over you. You are: Female, but frequently impatient other women in particular and people in general. Despise your female friends that carry accidental pregnancies to term. Artistic in an unfocused sort of way but with a strong dislike for impracticality. Have no tendency to spiritualism or religion. Capable of moving sideways through a 11 inch vertical gap without any kind of shoving, pulling, crying, lubricant or fire-department assistance. I am seriously considering putting this up on plenty of fish.
Me: I'm a mildly depressed adhd goof ball with an voracious appetite for distractions that leads to frantic obsessions serving as time vampires to fill the periodic gaps in my life. That's why I'm on the prowl. I'm always on edge looking for that perfect moment, constantly making future plans that are no sooner abandoned than they are taken seriously. I secretly lament passing up on past opportunities, while boasting loudly about how proud I am that I took a different direction. I'm prone to most vices and have broken nearly every law short of child molestation. That's ok though because I've only been arrested once. On the third date I'll desperately accuse you of being a closet bisexual so that I can act like swinging for the fences is cute and hip. I have the natural charisma of a tapeworm, which I've had as a result of poor hygiene, along with so many other diseases you can rest easy knowing my body will fight anything off until I die of cancer at 56. During sex I expect you to moan like a whore, but if you don't it gets even better as I'll start rubbing you awkwardly all over for what feels good like a monkey dancing around a minefield to find a banana. You: You're insecure about your intelligence, but make up for it by surrounding yourself with a preponderance of deplorable cunts that feed your irrational superiority complex. You're impressed by inane sentences like that. You feign interest in intellectual conversation, yet are too lazy to even contemplate an opinion. Like me you're family oriented, meaning you hate your mother and love your overly enduring father who spend 20+ years spoiling any shred of reason out of you. You need a man to bring home to him, parade around your friends, who isn't motivated by money, just everything that comes with it. Since my sexual skills are the equivalent of a frothing retard beating a piñata you'll complement by pinning my head down and riding my limp tongue with your vagina. Full disclosure: Not just yet! However, if you want to see how short I am, or if there's even a photo of me without beer spilled all over myself, your pic gets mine.
Me: 35 year old male in a body that feels like it's 75 from the inside, and like to think it looks 30 on the outside. I live on my own in a big house with no pets (unless you count a 4 year old as a pet, but he's only there a couple of days a week). I wouldn't necessarily say I'm anti-social but not only do I not know who my neighbours are, I couldn't pick them out of a lineup. But I am warm hearted and kind to my friends, often letting them run all over me to my detriment (just ask me about the $60k I spent on getting a friend to landscape my backyard.... that now needs to be completely redone). I also have a tendency to want to fix everything that's brought to my attention, and get paranoid when problems are kept from me. So don't expect to be able to do anything solely for yourself unless you're willing to bash me until I leave you alone. Conversely, I refuse to ask for help and will only begrudgingly accept assistance. I hate feeling like I owe anyone anything. Also expect me to be overly sensitive to any change in your mood and inquisitive to the point of frustration if I so much as have an inkling that anything is wrong. Any answer of "it's nothing" will send me into a spiral of wondering what I've done and being withdrawn. This will ultimately manifest itself into annoyance and anger at myself for being an idiot, which I will then project onto you for not telling me what was wrong in the first place. Then I'll make dinner and clean the house. Expect me to be clueless to little signals and hints. I will see them, but I will have no comprehension as to what they mean. I will not recognise that lying in bed facing me means that you're receptive to having sex, as opposed to rolling over and saying goodnight. Failure on my part in either situation will make for an uncomfortable exchange of words. A simple "yes", "no" or straddling me and sitting on my cock will suffice. Do expect that I will do an inordinate amount of research before buying anything with a big ticket, and then make a snap decision and purchase it without speaking to you. This will only happen with my own money. You: Able to put up with above shit. No psychos. Prefer brunette or redhead. Currently must be open to being tied in knots.
Me: 25, 5'10, 160 male with boyish features that I attempted to counteract by rarely being clean shaven. I work out 4 days a week in the hopes of becoming ripped but perpetually seem to be stuck between skinny and toned. I am confident and content with my appearance, but constantly scrutinize my appearance thinking it will make a grand difference in my life. Since graduating college, I have worked 3 different jobs, all with some sort of shady ownership or management leading to me being fired from one, quitting another, and being laid off from the only one which truly brought me excitement and satisfaction professional. This coupled with my own ridiculously high standards and expectations for myself leaving me continually frustrated and disenchanted despite being incredibly young and with my whole future ahead of me. People that ask at what point I will consider myself happy or successful are usually met with a blank stare or noncommittal answer because I am currently so far from any sort of that level, in my mind, that I can't even begin to consider it. I love music, investing far too much energy and emotion into sports teams, track jackets, colorful sneakers, Mexican food, making fun of people I finding annoying or intimidating, my family, and my friends. However, I have a nearly pathological need to be out and about on weekends, for fear of my life passing me by, that I become annoyed and edgy when my friends don't share a similar sentiment. My high school years were spent being a confused homebody who didn't drink, party, or date despite not being a loner or "weird". Thus I feel the need to overcompensate for my late development. Similarly, my lack of any meaningful connection with the opposite sex in HS leaves me cynical and overly analytical about girls. Not that I don't love them more than anything, but that I always assume there is another guy, she's just not that into me, or that she will flake out as soon as I get comfortable with the courtship. Im confident in myself, I just doubt your gender's true nature sometimes. You: Dark hair, olive skin, light eyes, maybe a Mediterranean bloodline . I love Latin women but have always been intimidated by them. You have an edge; tattoos, an attitude, something which makes you offputting to my straighter, boring friends, but not enough to make you seem out of place in most settings. You are kind of bitchy and always keep me on my toes, since I tend to get bored easily and secretly hate being pandered to and constantly agreed with. You speak your mind, have a witty sense of humor, and get along great with my mom, but make my bitchy aunts roll their eyes and whisper amongst themselves. You love sex, going to concerts, sleeping past 9 on the weekends, and making fun of ridiculous lovey dovey couples, like my best friend/roommate and his gf. It would be also stellar if you didn't have a venereal disease or an excessively roomy vagina.
Me: 6'3", 180 lbs. college senior with blond hair and blue eyes. I'm overly outgoing and will talk to anyone and will find a way to relate to them no matter how big our differences. I have an obsession with hockey which many believe to be extreme. I love alcohol and like to enjoy it in excess on a weekly basis. I'm secure with myself but love nothing more than spending time with someone who I deem inferior to make me feel even better about myself. I'm extremely driven and will stop at nothing to achieve my goals. I'm intensely loyal to my family which takes priority in my life. I love sports, sex, and trucks. I will check out other women in your presence while telling you lies about why you're so much better or hotter than them. At the beginning of our relationship I will do anything for you only because I'm trying to fuck you but after we start having regular sex, these kind acts will start to disappear and will only be performed in exchange for sex or if I need something from you. I will grow bored with you but will not break up with you because I'm sort of a bitch and will eventually manipulate you into breaking up with me. You: Under 6'0" preferably with dark skin and dark hair and under 150 lbs. but this can be negotiated if you have another physical feature that I find to be equally sexy such as an accent. You're somewhat insecure about your looks which will cause you to overdress for just about every occasion while comparing yourself to all other women in the room. Because of the pressures your family puts on you, you constantly seek validation from them and need someone as awesome as me to impress the hell out of them. You're smart but not as smart and me and know it. You will love having sex with me or be very good at faking it. You will know how to cook and constantly compare your cooking to my mother's, eventually developing an inferiority complex because you know that you will always be second best to her. You will find my hockey obsession cute at first and will cheer for all sports teams that I hate because you love nothing more than to piss me off. You will slowly realize that you will never take priority in my life and will be emotionally damaged.
Fuck that , then I'd have to kill you .... all of you ; and I don't have the time, the money or the knowhow to track you down one by one. If you are great at hiding your batshit crazy tendencies until you get comfortable enough to let them loose , you will probably take an instant liking to me and let me touch your boobs. Enough said.
I wrote this out of boredom at work one day and put it on craigslist just to see what I got back. I would like to find a chick that views herself as a super hero. The reason why is because super heroes are just plain badass and we all want to find that special badass in our lives. Oh yeah, by chick that means you have a vagina and like penis; not you have a penis and you love penis. It doesn’t work for me but more power to you in finding your super hero who loves the wiener as much as you do. Anyway, I’m a computer nerd who likes to do man things on the side. I like to go camping, fourwheeling, hiking, build things, burn things, grab boobs, and work on cars. The nerd part of me likes video games, grabbing boobs, computers, sci-fi shows, and catching smurfs. You may ask, why did a super hero hunter turn to craigslist for female companionship? Well, I tend to be on the shy side until I get to know someone and then my super ninja awesome personality comes out and I’ll rock your socks right off. If you aren’t wearing socks, then I’ll knock your panties to the floor or have your bra hanging off the ceiling fan for the dog to chase in a circle. That’s if we take the time to get to know each other because back to the first sentence, I am shy. Hopefully, you are a little shy to and we can do the whole Lady and a Tramp kind of spaghetti dinner and just look at each other with puppy eye’s as we figure out how to share a huge plate of spaghetti and not make a mess and get the famous your lips touch my lips with a single spaghetti noodle magic trick. A little about my looks, I’m the tall skinny pale white type but I’m not quite so pale as normal. I’ve found that the Colorado sun likes to make me turn into a bright red lobster when I go out in the jeep but it’s finally giving me that semi-dark and handsome side affect. I’m skinny but no so skinny you’ll want to buy me a cheeseburger or as if I’ve ever starred in a television ad for Ethiopia. I look a lot younger than I am. I usually have better luck approaching younger women because the old hags my own age don’t think I’m the same age. I can’t help it they don’t have dashing young looks like I do. I have short brown hair, clean cut, hazel eyes, dashing smile, some tats and a few piercings. I have all of my teeth and don’t do meth so they are pretty white and straight. I do have roots in the south so I like to drink sweet tea, eat corn bread, open doors for ladies, and fish on the side of a lake. I mentioned a few hobbies so far but let’s get into more since this is kinda turning into a short novel or just a simple desperate attempt for female attention. I love to cook; it’s pretty much a side hobby and passion of mine. I don’t bake because baking is for girls and I prefer to not measure anything when I cook. I make my own recipes all of the time and I have a strong appreciation for making love my food so much, you have the sudden urge to just get naked at the end of the meal. Photography is a lot of fun. I love to shoot live bands and cute little puppies. I love live music, especially in a good dive bar like the Rocket Room or Triple Nickel. Cover bands are a dime a dozen here so I try to support the local original bands. I love to drink a good beer. The craft beers in Colorado are simply amazing. Bristol and Trinity Brewing are as pleasant as touching a cuddling a super hero woman. I’d like to find someone who shares the same interests, wants their own superman, and likes to cuddle on cold and stormy nights. It would be nice if you have a job, some goals in life, and a love for grilling. I have cuddle skills that any casanova would be jealous to have. If you do decide to reply to this posting, send some information about yourself and what you did for the day. I’m for the most part a laid back guy just looking for some laid back girl to hang out with. You must like to smile and laugh but not fart on me when you sleep.
I will see your creepy old man ad and raise you one "I'm not gay, but I like man dicks" best of post: <a class="postlink" href="http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1755781713.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ph ... 81713.html</a>
I will do a serious one: Me: a 6'1" fat ethnic smart arse who is unambitious and thinks being drunk by 10am is outstanding. i find people who have unwarranted arrogance amusing. if that is you, and i am in that sort of mood, i will make you cry. people always say i'm intelligent but i'm socially retarded. i will tear you to shreds in an argument without realising how badly i am fucking myself over. surprisingly thoughtful and understanding at times, a completely oblivious prick at other times. slightly misogynistic. prone to understating my own flaws. You: have slightly weird taste. i must be able to lift you off the ground - i am somewhat strong so this means you do not have to be wafer thin. completely uninterested in trashy pop culture. tolerant of crazy people (me). aurally pleasing voice - a fucking billion and one points for an eastern european accent. negative points for a deep/nasal voice. good boobs are a plus.
Ahem- You know I - thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em Cause I don't fuckin need em Take em out the hood, keep em lookin good But I don't fuckin feed em First time they fuss I'm breezin Talkin bout, "What's the reasons?" I'm a pimp in every sense of the word, bitch Better trust than believe em In the cut where I keep em til I need a nut, til I need to beat the guts Then it's, beep beep and I'm pickin em up Let em play with the dick in the truck Many chicks wanna put Jigga fist in cuffs Divorce him and split his bucks Just because you got good head, I'ma break bread so you can be livin it up? Shit I.. parts with nothin, y'all be frontin Me give my heart to a woman? Not for nothin, never happen I'll be forever mackin Heart cold as assassins, I got no passion I got no patience And I hate waitin.. Hoe get yo' ass in here This pretty much sums up the way I feel. Oh and fuck EHarmony for refusing to allow this to be my ad. Bitch ass compatibility.
Me: Tall, looks like I'm in decent shape, and can have sex for about 4 minutes before covered in sweat and need a break. I think I'm a lot smarter than everyone else, but possibly more than reality. What women like about me are my humor and being a "safe choice". White, tall, good family, job with a fortune 50 company, car, house, etc. My friends say I look like I have downs syndrome, and I like to drink until I am 'browned out'. I will likely grope you in public and 50% of our conversation will be sexual innuendo. I won't clean anything, but make a sincere apology to clean at some point. I will also shower about 2-5 times a week. Just assume twice. You: You like me, and will kiss my penis.
Me: 5'9 medium built Pakistani with all the things that go with it (great beard, large nose, bushy eyebrows, luckily no backhair though). However, my race is as Pakistani as I get; if you never saw me and I never told you, you would probably think I am a white boy from the suburbs. Currently pursuing a Master's degree in economics that includes an assignment with the Peace Corps. As this implies, I am constantly at odds with myself between a cold calculating economist and big softie who let's people close to me get away with way too much. You will notice these contradictions are a theme with me. I still haven't managed to figure out whether my real personality is an asshole or a pushover. Keeping with the theme, I eat well (and can cook up a storm) and exercise, but also smoke half a pack a day which probably undoes all the good. I am very well read when it comes to non-fiction and know a whole lot about all natural sciences and economics. Most of my free time is spent reading books and blogs. However, though I keep telling myself I will, I never get around to reading any fiction, not even the classics. I consume a huge amount of music and tv shows and become frustrated with people who can't speak interestingly about music. I will really hate you if you only listen to the radio. I will tell you I don't care about your religious views, but secretly I will judge you if you aren't an atheist or at least agnostic. If you ever attended a rally of some kind, I will tell you I respect having a passion for something, but secretly I will think you're an idiot. Also, The last psychiatrist has convinced me I am a narcissist. You: At least a C cup. Must be naturally intelligent and well-read. If forced to choose, I would prefer you be the latter. You will initially look past my height and my awful sense of style and be charmed and attracted by my aggressive approach and seemingly dominating personality. Slowly, you will realize I am neither aggressive nor dominating and will gradually lose interest, just as my interest picks up. This process will initially lead to you pursuing me at the onset while I feel you out, and end with me finally overcoming my issues to return interest by which point you will have lost interest.
(This thread reminds me of this classic meme from yesteryear: http://www.2atoms.com/comedy/worstoftheweb/blount.htm) Me: My mom told me I was special too many times growing up. I fully believe myself to be above average at most things, and if I'm not passably good at an activity the first time I try it, it's because that activity is fucking stupid and for losers. Except basketball. I suck at that but it's still cool. Because of this only child syndrome, I expect things in life to be handed to me rather than having to work for them. That's where you come in. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart; I believe there's a perfect girl out there for me, and that we'll find each other eventually. I was raised in the South and care way, way too much what other people think. I'm rarely confrontational and usually figure the best course of action is to just appease others. Please consider this an invitation to walk all over me. Past girlfriends have referred to me as "the best boyfriend ever," "such a nice guy," and "that chump who didn't know I was fucking around for like two months." Physically, I've had enough success with women to know I'm not too shabby looking, but because of middle school years spent as an ugly duckling I lack true confidence. I'm 6'0 and 175 pounds. Oh, did I mention I rock climb? Hopefully you're moist now. You: Petite brunette who looks Latin or Italian. But not the too-hairy kind of Latin or Italian. Tight, as in you should probably be a runner or a swimmer or something like that. You must like PDA and dropping compliments, because, well, like I said, I'm a special snowflake. I require attention. You must present some sort of grand, romantic challenge; you could be the perfect girl, but if we just do the routine meet-through-a-friend-and-we're-both-emotionally-available thing, I'll be bored before our first date. Literally. This happened like two times last week. Don't get discouraged if you don't meet these requirements--if I get drunk and you show clear-cut interest, I'll probably fuck you as long as you're not obese even when viewed through Sailor Jerry goggles.
Hello, attractive and well-spoken sub-30 females. Do you like what you see? Of course you do, I am quite good looking. This is great for me, because it effectively disguises my emotionally-backward, and bordering-on-sociopathic personality. That's right, ladies, I'm batshit crazy! All aboard! I'm 25 years old, self-employed within an industry that I could not possibly care less about. My degree rested under a pile of laundry for over a month, stewing in the filth that only a combination of Commerce Degree and gym sweat create. I'd rather be spending my time alternating between fucking, playing Starcraft, and drinking a large mammal's weight in craft beer. Luckily for you, I more than hold my own in the bedroom, to the point that I will go out of my way to make it a pleasant experience for you. However, you should probably know that I'm only doing it so you validate my numerous insecurities. So, thanks for that. If you have any marginally redeemable quality, or we share common ground about even the most trivial of things, I can almost guarantee that I will overmagnify, and obsess over these things,for however many days/weeks it takes for us to get bored. If we make it past this point, you will surely try to encroach on my need for space. I too am an only child, and had a shitload of it growing up. And now, I'd like it back, so do me a favour by going away for a while. In truth, I'm so emotionally guarded that you'll probably just back off, thinking I don't trust you. You're a thinker! If I haven't invited you out somewhere, don't be offended. Or, do be offended. I don't care, actually. But, the point I'm trying to make here, is that if you weren't invited, it was because I did not want you to join me. If we're exclusively dating each other, then no, I didn't go out to bang your cousin's best friends in our local pub's bathroom stall. I just didn't want you ruining Monday Night Football for all of my friends, while stealing my independence. You: If you're understanding of the fact that I at least THINK I'm well-intentioned, are good looking, and not a complete mongoloid, we should date. Love, Andolingus.
I'm married, so I could really care less. However, this is probably accurate if I was still in the dating pool. Me: Late 20s, Russian male, said to be handsome when viewed from a certain angle in a certain light. I have facial hair and will not be getting rid of it under any circumstances. I spend a large chunk of my time playing video games, drinking and hanging out with friends. At first, I'll be happy to accommodate your schedule, but as time goes on I'll probably get bored with you and go back to hanging out with my friends. Due to decades of accumulated bitterness, you'll have to put up with a little bit of misogyny, and unless you've got a PhD in a scientific discipline, I'll probably consider myself smarter than you, which will come out in endearing quips such as "oh god, why are you talking again" and "jeesus christ, shut the hell up already". I'm not religious at all, and will yawn and fall asleep during any religious services you "invite" me to, then lament how I wasted two hours of my life sitting there. If I catch you doing something I consider stupid or wasteful, I'll let you know by going into a rant about "fucking americans". On the plus side, since I'm such a lazy fuck, I probably won't put in the effort to cheat on you - over the last few years, my sex drive has gone to shit, so, I would barely even want to put in the effort to have sex with you, let alone some other bimbo whose existence I have to conceal. However, I am aware of the existence of the clit, and know roughly where to find it, so, on the rare occasions that I overcome my laziness, you'll probably have a pretty good time. You: A living, breathing female, with a mass no larger than mine (unless the extra mass is purely concentrated in the boobs, that's ok). Major bonus points if you're from outside the US, as we'll have something in common to bitch about and you're probably less likely to be fat and stupid.
Me: 29 year old single mom of 3 very loud children who will cling to you. I'm 20lbs too large and have shitty skin, which, along with my daddy issues, has lead to self esteem problems. In turn, these problems have lead to fantastic oral sex skills, as I try to earn male approval via the penis. Due to a life of abuse from authority figures, I try to avoid confrontation at almost all costs, so you will always get exactly what you want from me. The trade off for you having to make every decision about where we go and what we do is that you'll also never have to get or open your own beer! You: Depending on how emotionally fragile I'm feeling this quarter, you will either be: An almost completely useless person who can't wipe his own ass and needs to be mothered with everything done for him, or, a loud obnoxious asshole who likes to make everyone around him feel like shit, in order to add to your own 'alpha male-ness' Email me for approximately 2 to 4 months of emotional instability!
Me: 35, look like a fetus but age is finally catching up with me, so say I look about 25. Some women find me okay looking, some don't. I'm well on my way to having an Englishman's teeth (yes I brush them, hasn't helped much). Scored a 37 on that Facebook autism test thingy. If you're not familiar with it trust me, that score is fucking high; me getting laid pretty much requires a woman grabbing my dick and saying "let's fuck." It's not for lack of libido, but still something you'll want to keep in mind in the unlikely event you want to subvert and indoctrinate my bodily fluids. You: Between the age of 18-60, not hideous. Overweight is fine, even technical obesity if you carry it well; blimp is not, although I do have a thing for the big-ginger-girl Cylon model. Emotional instability is no big deal; batshit insanity is. Email me for your most awkward relationship yet!
Honest question: Has everyone else skipped over reading all of the other posts in this thread, pausing only if their is some insanely-incriminating slip of the finger, and mainly devoted their attention only to their own post, like me?