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If Personal Ads were true...

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Ogee, Oct 31, 2010.

  1. Ogee

    Ogee
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    Experienced Idiot

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    I was thinking about this the other night when as I was sitting alone, in the dark, with a bottle, and perusing the CL personals. Why doesn't anyone try to make them funny?

    Here's mine:

    About me: emotionally constipated American male who is uncomfortable with public displays of affection (including hand holding). I would like to say that I keep a fairly frantic work schedule, but the truth is that most morning roll around and I hit the snooze button. I routinely don't get out of bed until lunch time and I have an unhealthy tendancy to spend the weekends binge drinking with or without equally disillusioned collegues and/or college buddies. I have a natural inclination towards overdressing, and will often mix jackets with old, faded jeans and antique cufflinks. When asked about what I "do for fun," I usually spout some boilerplate about enjoying traveling and volunteering with worthy non-profits, because if I answered truthfully ("I drink like a fish and spend the money I should be saving for retirement on craft liquor and the kind of food that will likely lead to a mild cardiac event before the age of 40") people would label as someone suffering from a self-defeating personality disorder with a side of mild depression. Now, you may be sitting here thinking that I am some sort of unemployed slacker, but I actually have a pretty fucking amazing job servicing investment banks.

    About you: a single, white female under 30 who is overeducated and underemployed. It would be nice if you felt the urge to start your daily grind by weeping over your Ivy League diploma, then sacking up and riding the cattle cars that compose SEPTA transit to a job working with underpriveleged youth. You probably come from a blue collar, yet semi-affluent background and while you refuse to admit it, you judge guys based on the type of car they drive. Your mother, if she is still alive, likely calls you once a week and reminds you in a passive-aggressive fashion that you aren't getting any younger and she was already building a family by this point in her life. Come holiday time, you lament the horrors that are memories of Christmases past, but plaster on a smile and hug your inebriated father as you regale him with tales of your "worthy" job. Oh, and if you had a massive amount of drama from some poorly chosen roommates, that would be excellent. I do thoroughly enjoy answering phone calls at 1 in the morning to hear about how "Cindy didn't take the garbage out and it was her week to do it and why doesnt she understand that it is such a hassle for you because it means you have to get up 15 minutes earlier but you never are able to do that so you always miss the train and why arent you listening to me? I dont think you love me."

    Full disclosure? I do not drive a large, luxurious automobile due to the fact that I spend what I imagine to be the montly payment on a lightly used Porsche in my attempt to maintain a fairly rigourous schedule of drinking high end brown liquors and dabbling in recreational drugs. I will probably judge you, openly, when you apologetically admit to me during our first date that you have never heard of the company I work for. I end sentences with prepositons and routinely mispronounce words in an attempt to see if you are actually listening to me. When we walk out of a bar after a date, I will likely pat you awkwardly on the shoulder and say something akin to "see you later, kid." This is not intended to be dismissive or rude, it's just how homes here operates. My regiment of insufficient sleep schedules, borderline alcoholism and processed food has lead to physique that could best be described as pudgy. But it's ok - I counter this by draping myself in expensive clothes.

    So, if any of this sounds in the least bit appealing, why don't you drop me a line and we can get down to the business of exchanging 2 year old photos we cribbed from our friend's facebook pages because they have soft focus and dim lighting. After a few witty, caustic email exchanges we can meet at some out of the way bar that is crowded enough to not seem like a serial killers haunt yet obscure enough that we wont risk running into coworkers and being forced into the shitty situation of coming up with some cover story so as not to disclose we have resorted to internet sites to find dates that aren't vapid whores or huge douchebags.

    Then, you know, if all goes well we can get onto the business of building a codependent relationship with a solid foundation of mutual nondisclosure, passive-aggressive acts, petty arguments and sex with the lights off.

    Focus: What would your painfully true personal ad say?
     
  2. DrFrylock

    DrFrylock
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    The White

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    Let's see who's really honest here. If I had Internet on anything other than my phone, I could knock out a doozy...
     
  3. Dcc001

    Dcc001
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    New Bitch On Top

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    Location:
    Sarnia, Ontario
    About me: I am an over-travelled Canadian female in my (very) early 30s. I'm over-educated and currently work at a job that provides great technical knowledge and little excitement. My dream is to one day have enough money so that I can be even more over educated and teach at an institution where my students will likely be more concerned with drinking cheap liquor than listening to the knowledge I'm trying to impart.

    I'm a chronic relationship avoider. I'd like to say that I'm looking for deep, emotional, long-term commitment. However, I think what I'm really looking for is the second income, someone to share responsibilities and obligations with, and a father for two or three unborn children. You will fall into two categories: either we will have a white-hot sexual connection, and I will forever remain emotionally uninterested, or we will have no sexual chemistry whatsoever and I will be your closest confidant.

    I am terribly loyal to my friends and family. I speak to my mother at least once per day on the phone; my father two or three times per week. I will never fight with my mother. However, once in awhile (say, every two years or so), I will have an all-out explosion with my dad that will leave me in almost hysterics. You will not be able to talk me down from this. I have two dogs, and they take priority over most everything. If you like long walks, obedience classes and dog-friendly places then we're good to go. If not, then PFO.

    About you: Please be in some way unattainable. Either be in a relationship, or be from another country, or be completely uninterested in anything other than FWB. If you are emotionally present and physically available, I will run. Also, you should be aloof enough that it allows me to make the first move. If you try to pursue me, then I will dismiss you as weak and never have any interest at all.

    You should be technically proficient in most things. The ability to fix minor vehicle problems, add a breaker to the electrical panel, build furniture as a hobby, that kind of thing. Please be well read and highly opinionated. In fact, if you can be highly opinionated and completely contrary to my own beliefs, then that's even better. Nothing turns me on more than full-on arguing over some insignificant issue, like politics or health care reform. Oh, yeah...almost forgot. Alcoholism turns me on, too. If you have any predispositions towards addiction, I will likely not notice until it's far too late. Once it finally occurs to me that you have an addiction, though, I will respond with a complete and utter lack of sympathy or compassion. I have no desire to be co-dependent; get sober or die from it...just don't drag me down with you.

    Lastly, if I've still managed to hold your interest, please have a job that requires you to be away for part of the time. If you're constantly around and I have no alone time, the only child in me rears its head and I get stir crazy. You have your space, I'll have mine.
     
  4. ghettoastronaut

    ghettoastronaut
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    I am: a young 20-something with a probable attachment disorder and while perhaps above average in some aspects, unexceptional in most of them.

    You are: in possession of requisitely attractive anatomical parts and the lack of any psychological disorders or repressions that might inhibit you from using them in fun and interesting ways. Preferably at least one of your parents should be crazy or have been damaging in some way; this way, I seem less bad by contrast.
     
  5. Aetius

    Aetius
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    You won't like me. We should date.
     
  6. Diablo

    Diablo
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    Emotionally Jaded

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    Hi there, you're probably not interesting or nearly fun enough to be reading this, but in the off chance you are, here's what you should know about me:
    My job is my life. They tell me what to do and I do it, no questions asked. I can't put you first ever because again, my job is my life. I do this for a living because I want to protect my friends and family from harm that may come from any enemy foreign or domestic. I will make you cry when I tell you I have two flights a day for three weeks straight and zero time off to see you. When I do get a chance to see you, 1/3 of the time I don't want to and just want to be by myself to decompress, 1/3 of the time I want to hang out with my friends, and the last 1/3 I will see you. This means that I'll see you for a couple hours once a week if you're lucky and I'll be okay with that, you should be too. I will probably spend more time detailing and working on my car than I do with you...I love my car a lot. I am in training and that takes precedence over just about everything right now. I drink maybe once a week and have never done drugs. I don't smoke, but I do fly planes and drive really fast so my life is always in jeopardy one way or another. I'm pretty sure I'm a commitment-aphobe, or at least I get bored of the same thing after a short time. I'm fiercely dedicated to something I care about a lot and will give you all the attention you deserve. I do not ever tell you what I'm thinking or how I feel though...I'm a steel trap wrapped in a titanium box, you'll never get in unless I really care about you.

    As for you, if you are not interesting or smart enough to hold an engaging conversation with me for more than 10 minutes, seek other men. I like what I like and rarely care what you like...I am that selfish, but I will listen to you talk about something if it's interesting enough. I don't care about the your pointless crap that happens at work unless again, it's interesting. Also, if you start a conversation mentioning facebook, I will walk away. Please have a stable job that allows you to be independent from me if we were to break up, I don't want to feel guilty for leaving you stranded. Be a girl who has a good relationship with your family and don't fight with them much. If your baggage is heavy, I will leave, I don't deal with that crap at all. If you want to talk to me, then call or come over...fuck texting. You have to be in shape and stay reasonably fit which shouldn't be a problem with all the time you get away from me. Be able to make your own small decisions without my input, such as where to go to eat or what kind of clothes to buy, but get input for major things. You should be someone whom I can impress my parents with but still be able to drink whiskey with me and my friends and at the end of the night, come home with me to have some crazy monkey sex around the house.

    Big picture: my career is my life and will not give it up for anything short of an act of God. I love what I do and you should too. When I'm not flying I'm probably studying for my flight the next day. When I'm not studying, I go out with my friends and have a good time, I need this to stay normal and not explode. This means you get very little time with the soft and cuddly me. I am an awesome guy to date because if I like you, I'll treat you like a princess and make as much time for you as possible, but if I don't...you'll know. Bedroom time is as awesome for you as it is for me, I guarantee you'll love it. All-in-all, If I like you enough to stick with you, and if the relationship is fun and engaging, then we both will have an awesome time, I promise.

    Edit: jebus, reading over this kinda throws my current relationship out the window...I should end it soon.
     
  7. jennitalia

    jennitalia
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    Emotionally Jaded

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    Location:
    Canada
    About me: Curvy (but not fat!) blonde teenage Canadian female with no willingness to commit to you in any way at all. No matter how amazing you are I can guarantee I will get sick of you in two weeks or less. I don't like to cook or clean and have no desire to learn at all. Weekend alcoholism is my main focus in life. I'm incredibly superficial and generally a self-entitled dick.

    About you: You're a minimum of 6'0 tall. You're half-white, half-black. You have a 7-8 inch dick and know exactly what to do with it. You dress impeccably, smell of Marc Jacobs cologne and drive a large black SUV or truck. Second-day scruff is a permanent feature on your perfectly chiseled face. You must be content with only watching Will Ferrell movies and quoting them at length with me. You find me incredibly attractive despite all of my short-comings and prefer to show your love through extravagant gifts and tropical vacations.

    If you meet 100% of these standards let's get started on those two weeks before you lose my attention.
     
  8. thatone

    thatone
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    Experienced Idiot

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    "Mentally unstable man seeks emotional punching bag with a view to making things physical."

    Me: large number of undiagnosed mental illnesses. I will punch your father at a family get together after calling your mother a whore. I am an arrogant, dismissive, predatory misogynist who will lovingly call you from a brothel at 3am to make sure you've fixed me something to eat for when I come home. If you don't - watch out. But, you know, there are times I can be super-sweet and that is what will trick you into allowing me to crap all over your life.

    You: Single mother who puts up a front of "the most important people in my life are my kids" while allowing any man who pays attention to your lonely ass treat you like the abandoned piece of shit that you are. Bonus points for each child you gave birth to whilst under the age of 18.
     
  9. Jimmy James

    Jimmy James
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    Emotionally Jaded

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    Location:
    Washington. The state.
    About me: I'm a 6'1" tub of lard with zero desire to better myself except for those couple of moments of self-loathing after masturbating into a sock. I have a pack a day Marlboro habit. This is because I have a lot of gray hair and a job in tech support. I'm not very talkative. In fact, I could spend most of my time saying little to nothing and feel absolutely fine with that. When I do open my mouth, it's to put food in, or make bad jokes about stuff that shouldn't be made light of. Like domestic violence. I'm also messy as hell and my bathroom sink always has hair in it.

    About you: You're a curvy biracial (Asian preferably) big tittied geek that's more bubbly than a six pack of Fat Tire. You're a great cook, and anal-retentive about keep shit clean. You're to like Tarantino, Nolan, Coen Brothers and Guy Ritchie movies and can quote them religiously. If you like music that's on your Top 40 station, shove an ice pick in your ear because your taste in music is shitty. Have a better paying job than me and if your family is loaded, even better. Oh, and like having rough sex. As in, you have to wear wear a turtleneck in July and need a cane because you're walking funny.
     
  10. ToastErr

    ToastErr
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    Village Idiot

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    Let's see...

    Profile: 21 year old male. College student. 5'5, 145 lbs. Sexually frustrated. Lacks any meaningful social networks of his own because he generally alienates everyone he meets with crass and hurtful humor to make up for his insecurities and sexual frustrations. Does not go out much, but will exaggerate past experiences in order to avoid looking like a shut-in. Will also lie about past sexual encounters to make himself seem more manly. Will also lie about past job experience to make himself seem more important. Suffers from an inferiority complex, stemming chiefly from his height and the unusual size of his head. Receives most of his phone calls from his parents. Has inexplicable panic attacks several nights a month. Highly unsure of the world and the ability of his senses to perceive it. Has an acute phobia of death. Terrified of becoming schizophrenic, or developing Alzheimers like his fraternal grandfather. Incredibly lazy and will probably never function in a high-paying corporate environment that can support a spouse or significant other. Desires a "creative" job while at the same time lacking confidence in his "creative" abilities. Will exaggerate said creative abilities. Heavily judges people based on their taste in books. Lies about books he has read, while pretending to discuss aforementioned books as though he is an authority. Will NOT know what to do or where to go on a Friday or Saturday night. Does not have a car. Does not have any definite plans on his future. Moody. Self-absorbed. Generally exaggerates the scope of his problems when describing them, because of his self-absorption. Generally prioritizes his own problems ahead of anyone else's. Ungrateful. Inconsiderate. Frequent masturbator. Wants kids.

    Looking for: Someone to add to the list of exaggerated past experiences. Rich family preferred. Cooking skills preferred. Willingness to experiment as a" submissive" heavily preferred.
     
  11. Harry Coolahan

    Harry Coolahan
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    Disturbed

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    Me— I'm brilliant, athletic, and good-looking. I have huge commitment issues that I will hide behind a façade of charm and wit. My emotional distance will be offset by rare moments of vulnerability, and my self-involvement will be offset by brief moments of lucid self-awareness of my flaws—in both cases, only just enough to convince you that maybe my exterior can be broken, if you just tried a little harder. My destructive behavior is never mal-intentioned, but rather the result of social ineptitude. I will display an impressive understanding of complicated abstract social dynamics, but fail to understand a simple gesture of affection. I own a motorcycle.

    You— Doesn't matter, you are most likely an extension of my narcissism. I'll be attracted to a random, insignificant trait of yours that most likely in no way reflects who you really are.
     
  12. ssycko

    ssycko
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    Emotionally Jaded

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    Being not a hipster
    Me: I'm tall and goofy and play guitar. If you don't like guitar players, get out. If you do like guitar players, but only when they play the singer-songwriter shitty John Mayer cover shit, get out. If you have a problem with racist jokes and putting on children's fairy wings and having fake arguments in grocery store parking lots about how you need to have that abortion or I'm leaving you, get out. I probably have control issues and have a severe "fuck it" instinct: If there is a barrier to something preventing me from completing something I will most likely say fuck it and not do it. I constantly feel undervalued even though I'm probably not, and have a predisposition to taking care of basket cases to the detriment of mywell being.

    You: If you're little more than a body with holes to put my dick and and don't have any discernible ability to engage in fun and interesting conversation, I'll probably fuck you a few times and then politely start ignoring you and making up excuses to see you because I dislike telling people I don't want to see them anymore. If we do start dating you'll probably be the one to break up with me no matter what happens because my brain rationalizes things with a handy flow chart:

    Are you getting laid?
    Yes No------> Get laid
    |
    V
    Then stop complaining

    Which leads to me continuing emotionless sex while you hate your life and start looking elsewhere for guys while you tell me you still love me. Anyway, looks honestly aren't a huge deal to me, but unfortunately if you have no ass I cannot and will not ever be attracted to you. If you do, it's going to be grabbed literally all the time.
     
  13. Kubla Kahn

    Kubla Kahn
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    Emotionally Jaded

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    About me: College grad with rudderless life outlook and no passion beyond downloading television shows and critiquing them on an anonymous internet message board. Dropped the jobless parent's basement lifestyle for a free apartment at my brother's company's expense abroad thinking that living as a foreigner would seem more interesting to girls I try to pick up in bars. No job prospects or will to advance a career over part time work and drinking. Short in stature and only semi confident in the bedroom. Not great boyfriend material rarely putting in the effort to maintain relationships. Closet racist. Republican.

    You: No fat chicks. Seriously. Unless for NSA blowjobs.
     
  14. The Village Idiot

    The Village Idiot
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    Porn Worthy, Bitches

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    Location:
    Where angels never dare
    Since I'm married, it would be pointless to do such an ad, so I will do one from my pre-wife dating days. And sadly, this is true.

    Me: 6'2", 190 lbs, athletic build. Self loathing practicing attorney. My main interests are fucking, drinking, and playing music, in no particular order. I am incredibly polite and courteous until I get fed up. While this sounds nice at first, it's because I hate confrontation which means more than likely, by the time I blow up in a rage which will result in me telling you exactly what I think of you, your family, your friends and anything else I can think of to hurt your feelings, you have been pissing me off for weeks and missing all the signs, which will just piss me off even more because I'm passive/aggressive. I am morally bankrupt and will not hesitate to fuck your sister, your cousin, your mother, or your best friend if given the chance. Under no circumstances will I actually care for you in any real human way. I am fairly good at pretending that I'm listening to you, but the fact of the matter I really have no interest in anyone other than myself and my ever increasing frustration borne of my self-entitlement complex which is not based on merit or reality in any way. The upside is people and parents tend to like me and they will congratulate you on finding such a catch, so for appearances' sake I'm perfect.

    You: Fairly attractive, a few pounds extra is nice (if in the right spots). I don't really care what race, religion, political affiliation, occupation, or life outlook you hold as we won't be talking for more than ten seconds. You like to fuck, a lot. You don't mind if I leave afterwards. You don't mind if I don't call you back until I need to get laid again. Good news is that will probably be in a few hours.
     
  15. Juice

    Juice
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    Moderately Gender Fluid

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    Location:
    Boston
    Me: Im 6'1'', 185 lbs. I have a bachelors degree and wasted my entire undergraduate education studying Economics and Political Science. I enjoy pissing outside for no particular reason and occasionally will make a point to do so despite the immediate proximity of a toilet. I will complain about anything and everything and expect that I will go on long rants on issues that have no real importance or impact on anything. I am unthoughtful and will most likely not return the favor if you spoil me. I have a very limited emotional spectrum, but on the plus side, I rarely if ever get pissed off about anything. I like to watch pornography on my refractory days when Im not fornicating. I hate talking on the phone for very long and dont expect me to answer text messages because Im not in fucking middle school.

    You: Must be shorter than me because Im not dating some freakshow amazonian thats taller than 6'1''. And on the same token, if you're heavier than 160 lbs, hit the bricks. You must have a decent sized rack and some basic level of intelligence or I will get bored with you very quick. You must be willing to be on top in bed because Im much too lazy to put in a lot of effort.
     
  16. scotchcrotch

    scotchcrotch
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    Emotionally Jaded

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    Location:
    ATL
    Me- 30 year old 6'6 former athlete with a sarcastic attitude who only got laid in college because of his looks. Retarded game (not in a good way). Small business owner that will make you sign a prenup if we reach that point and an abortion contract before we get intimate.

    Cares more about business, politics, pretty much anything over how your day was. Extremely OCD and ADD, so I will grow bored quickly of anything but also focus on minutae (like cleanliness).

    Is a hardass at work, still learning to turn it off after 5.

    You- Any hair color as long as you have a minimum C cup and a libido to rival Jenna Jameson. Intelligence is a neccesity, but no education. Can live off me as long as you keep my place extravagantly clean and handle the day-to-day errands I have no patience for.
     
  17. Rush-O-Matic

    Rush-O-Matic
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    What's the over/under on number of actual hookups this thread generates?
     
  18. Frebis

    Frebis
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    Judging by the number of women that frequent this site, I'm guessing 0 at most.

    It would sweet if this was a reality dating show where shegirl would pick her next date from one of these personals. Holy shit, I need to write one right now! Just in case this is what was intended with this thread.
     
  19. pinballwizard

    pinballwizard
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    Village Idiot

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    I almost never post here but what better way to introduce myself?

    Me: 5''7", brunette, judgmental. Although I'm in my twenties I look about 15. Should you find yourself in a date like situation where any physical intimacy is publicly required and you are over the age of 25 most passerby's will assume you're about to be featured on the evening news as the next "To Catch A Predator" special. I obsess over all puzzles and you should expect a significant amount of ridicule should I be able to solve anything quicker than you. I drink disturbing amounts of beer considering my size but have an irritating habit of waking up by 9 am at the latest after drinking. Should I find you weak willed or lacking conversational skills I will judge you and then mock accordingly.

    You: Tall and well traveled. Subtract points if your belt doesn't match your shoes. Not fat.
     
  20. rei

    rei
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    Emotionally Jaded

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    Location:
    Guelph, ON
    Me: 22 year old, 6'4 fatass with size 14 shoes as a not-so-clever inferrence to say I have some redeeming qualities. Walking example of the goateed shy IT guy stereotype, though with a bit of a smartass streak rising now and then. Well domesticated because I don't like eating things that taste like shit and I don't like living in filth. Likes hockey, cars, video games, anime, and general nerding out (re: IT stereotype), and dislikes trying to come up with clever ways to describe himself for personal ads.

    You: Preferrably asian, or a caucasian blonde, on the shorter, more petite size. Able to discuss either hockey, cars, video games, or programming seriously and passionatly as well as not having retarded political beliefs or be able to put up with me constantly insulting your retarded political beliefs..