Adult Content Warning

This community may contain adult content that is not suitable for minors. By closing this dialog box or continuing to navigate this site, you certify that you are 18 years of age and consent to view adult content.

I wouldn't use it. I'd just let it sit in my house.

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by DrFrylock, Mar 23, 2011.

  1. DrFrylock

    DrFrylock
    Expand Collapse
    The White

    Reputation:
    23
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    1,571
    I was watching Louis C.K.'s standup special Shameless, and he talks about an annoying friend of his who initiates a conversation by asking: "What would you do if you had a time machine?" This is a ploy to get Louis C.K. to ask HIM what HE would do if he had a time machine, but Louis C.K. sees through this thinly-veiled ruse and taunts his friend: "You know what? I wouldn't use it. I'd just let it sit in my house. I'd put my drink on it."

    This got me thinking: why would somebody have a time machine but never use it? I have to think about this kind of shit because this is where thread ideas come from, especially when you lazy fuckers aren't posting anything in the Suggestion Board (HINT HINT). Hmmm...

    FOCUS: What if you had a time machine, but it could only be used for one trip. One way, no return. Would you use it? When? Where would you go?

    RULES: There is only one seat in the time machine. Also, it's a "Certified Grandfather-Paradox-Free" [1] time machine. You can go back in time and kill your grandfather. From your perspective, then, your grandfather will be dead. The original timeline where your grandfather lived, fucked your grandmother, and eventually caused your birth and your travel back in time still happened - it's just inaccessible to you.

    [1] Slogan: You can have some of the universes all of the time, and all of the universes some of the time, but you can't have all of the universes all of the time [TM].
     
  2. McSmallstuff

    McSmallstuff
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    2
    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2009
    Messages:
    1,504
    Honestly, if I could only take a one way trip, I probably wouldn't use it. It would be amazing to take a glance at the future, but what if the future is some post apocolyptic waste land where all the white girls have small asses. What would I do then Mr. Fried Potato Head?!?! If white girls aren't packing some junk in the trunk that's no place I want to stay!

    And as far as going to the past, if my hours of sleeping through history taught me nothing else, I did learn one valuable lesson; 40 years or more in the past, being not white was pretty shitty. But I guess being a pirate would be kind of fun.
     
  3. Celos

    Celos
    Expand Collapse
    Disturbed

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    292
    Location:
    Estonia
    In the immortal words of Louis CK:


    I'd probably just go a few decades into the future. Enough to be able to see some new inventions and shit, but not enough to arrive in a future where dolphins have taken over.
     
    #3 Celos, Mar 23, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  4. fencechopper

    fencechopper
    Expand Collapse
    Village Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2011
    Messages:
    13
    I would totally pull a Back to the Future. Grab a Sports Almanac and travel back just a couple of years back. Call me boring or greedy but man, life would be easy.
     
  5. Juice

    Juice
    Expand Collapse
    Moderately Gender Fluid

    Reputation:
    989
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    9,688
    Location:
    Boston
    I would take an Abrams tank full of ammo back to the Revolutionary War. Those Redcoats would never see it coming.
     
  6. bewildered

    bewildered
    Expand Collapse
    Deeply satisfied pooper

    Reputation:
    701
    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2009
    Messages:
    8,092
    I'd go to about December 2011, which is when I graduate. I'm ready to get the hell out of here.
     
  7. Frebis

    Frebis
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    288
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    2,251
    My favorite skit involving time machines.



    If I had a time machine, I would go back to the early 18th century, and do my darndest to prevent the 20 amendment from happening.
     
    #7 Frebis, Mar 23, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  8. Rush-O-Matic

    Rush-O-Matic
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    997
    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2009
    Messages:
    9,532
    I would wait until right after they draw the numbers for the Mega Lottery, write them down on my arm and go back 2 hours and buy a ticket.
     
  9. Binary

    Binary
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    229
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    3,061
    I'd take a record of the last several years' lottery numbers, and use it to go back and be really, really nice to the girls who turned out really, really hot after high school.
     
  10. Fernanthonies

    Fernanthonies
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    11
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    1,674
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    I think a key detail here if you were traveling into the past would be whether you were physically traveling into the past with no changes to your current self, or would it be more along the lines of taking your current mind, which would include all your knowledge/maturity/experience, and sending it back into a younger version of yourself.

    In the former instance, you wouldn't be able to interact with anyone you know because your younger self would still be around, so that would be a bit of a bummer. In the later, you could blow through high school again with your advanced knowledge and skills, and of course do as Binary said and be nice to all the girls that turned out to be stunning after high school.

    Either way, you would want to invest in a few choice companies; Google, facebook, etc. Then just sit back and live the easy life.

    Of course that brings up a whole other snake's nest of possibilities. What about 9/11? Do you warn anyone? If you do and the government comes around wanting to know how you knew that some terrorists were going to attack America, how do you explain that one? All that money wouldn't do you much good when you get thrown in a plain white van with a black bag over your head and are never seen again.
     
  11. Disgustipated

    Disgustipated
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    969
    Location:
    Gold Coast, Australia
    After the last couple of weeks I've had, I'd dial in the end of the Earth and watch the fireworks or the fizzle... doesn't really matter which.
     
  12. lostalldoubt86

    lostalldoubt86
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    20
    Joined:
    May 23, 2010
    Messages:
    1,032
    Location:
    Earth, The Universe
    If I'm transported into my younger self with all the knowledge I have today, I'd go back to about five years old and convince everyone I'm some sort of freaky genius. I would write novels, play the stock market, learn musical instruments, and completely destroy the self-esteem of my elementary-school bully.

    If I am transported as my present self, I would put my drink on it.
     
  13. JGold

    JGold
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2009
    Messages:
    518
    Location:
    Denver, CO
    I'd jump ahead to December 2012, because I'm fairly certain I'll be some sort of John Connor-esque hero. I'm special. And I don't want to wait a whole year and a half for people to start naming their babies after me.
     
  14. cynismus

    cynismus
    Expand Collapse
    Experienced Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    150
    Location:
    Dallas
    I'd go back and find out who REALLY killed Biggie.
     
  15. Guy Fawkes

    Guy Fawkes
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    1,207
    Location:
    Nor'east USA
    Best time machine sketch ever...

    Upright Citizens Brigade - Time Machine

    I'd go back to the 1750's and become a privateer off the coast of the Carolinas. No need for a return ticket home, I'm happy to stay put.

    Obviously I'd carry a backpack full of modern medicine, schematics for building a Colt 1911, as well as maps detailing the locations of major gold finds out in Deadwood SD.

    Fuck that would be fun.
     
  16. john_b

    john_b
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2009
    Messages:
    514
    Fuck that, I'd go back and save him and Tupac. Along with the requisite stock picks/lottery numbers/sports winners of course.
     
  17. dewercs

    dewercs
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    170
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    1,262
    Location:
    phoenix, arizona
    I would probably go back to the early 70's and start a computer company maybe call it microsoft or apple.

    You can have your lottery winnings.
     
  18. Nettdata

    Nettdata
    Expand Collapse
    Mr. Toast

    Reputation:
    2,047
    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2006
    Messages:
    19,318
    Fuck that. I'd go back and INVENT Google, hotmail, Facebook, etc. Knowing the shit that is going on in tech right now, and having a completely clean slate back then, would be insane.

    Why invest in a multi-billion dollar company when you could own it?
     
  19. Frebis

    Frebis
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    288
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    2,251
    Because owning it requires work lots of work, and investing in it requires logging into my e*trade account?
     
  20. Nettdata

    Nettdata
    Expand Collapse
    Mr. Toast

    Reputation:
    2,047
    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2006
    Messages:
    19,318
    Some of us actually enjoy our work, and the challenges it brings. And who do you suppose has more influence in the world, an investor in Google, or Larry Page?