I wish Wally Cleaver was my brother when I was growing up.

The other day my older brother and I were talking about all of the fucked up shit he would do to me when we were growing up. From locking me in a dog cage for an hour to filling up a squirt gun with port-a-potty water and shooting me with it.
Even though everything he did sucked back then, we had a good laugh while looking back at all of it.

FOCUS: What mean things did your siblings do to you?

ALT. FOCUS: Were you the aggressor? What mean things did you do to your siblings?

 

Alt. Focus:
I'm the older brother and my sister is 5 years younger than me. From when she was about 7 until I left for college when she was 13, I would routinely terrorize her. Some choice moments:

-If my mom had to go into the grocery store real quick, she'd leave the two of us in the car. During this boring time, I occupied myself by saying, "Shut up, [sister]" over and over again even though she was never talking to begin with. After about five minutes, she'd be screaming "SHUT UP!" right back so loud from inside the car that people tens of yards away were looking in to see what was going in. Eventually, she just broke down in tears.

-I found an old ex-lax chocolate bar in a medicine cabinet and convinced her to eat the whole thing. She shit for about 45 minutes straight. That was awesome.

-I snuck into her room one night and crawled under her bed. Then I started lightly tapping the mattress and making weird whisper noises. I also had a rubber hand from a halloween costume that looked all bloody and torn up with huge claws. When I could tell she was awake, I reached up with the hand and dragged her off the bed. I couldn't stop laughing (until my dad came in and jacked me up).

-I set her favorite doll on fire. Twice.

In retrospect, I was kind of a dick. But now that she and I have grown up, we get along really well.

 

My sister is about 2 years younger than me, but starting when I was about 9 we were evenly matched physically (she ended up 3-4 inches taller). We had serious, deep-seated, completely baseless sibling rivalry over every damn thing, which means shit usually deteriorated into violence. She was a biter - she'd literally grab my arm, sink her teeth in, and chomp until it tasted funny. I, on the other hand, always had long fingernails and so would dig them into her until she screamed.

My mother nearly killed me once, though. We were fighting about which TV show to watch (probably Square One vs. Reading Rainbow, because we were giant nerds), and I had a pen in my hand. I got so angry - the kind of angry that makes your face hot and everything go blurry - that I just hurled the hand with the pen in it at her face. Missed her eye by millimeters. I actually felt bad about that one immediately after the fact.

Oh, and there was also the time my best friend and I were trying to keep my sister out of my room (you know, we had important Big Girl things to discuss that she couldn't know about), and my friend slammed my sister's head in the door so hard the door bounced off her noggin. That one I did not feel bad about - don't shove important body parts in a small space that can quickly get smaller!

In other news, we are now very close, to the extent that we hang out with each others' groups of friends even though we live in very different neighborhoods that social groups don't usually cross.

 

I told my younger brother that our parents had killed our imaginary older brother "Jeffrey" and stuffed his remains in the ash hatch of our chimney. He, in turn, told our younger sister the same demented story. Tradition is important.

 

I'm the older brother, my sister is three years younger than me. She ratted me out for everything I ever did and some shit she did, resulting in me getting the shit kicked out of me frequently by our stepfather.

The best revenge I ever got on her happened one night. I don't remember exactly what she did, but whatever it was it pissed me off more than usual. To preface, my sister at the time was a HUGE New Kids on the Block fan. She had it all, posters, lunchbox, the works. I took off towards her room without her knowing. Grabbed Jordan and Joe, her two favorites (I feel gross remembering their names) and her copy of Hangin' Tough. Then I went to my bedroom, grabbed my boombox, put the tape in and rewound it to the song I needed. Then I walked out to the living room where my mother, stepfather and sister were watching TV. I nonchalantly plugged in the boombox and pressed play. The Right Stuff started playing, I took Jordan and Joe, de-clothed them and simulated them buttfucking on the living room coffee table. She cried, and begged my mom and stepfather to do something, which they couldn't do because they were literally in tears on the sofa, which of course pissed her off more.

 

My brother is eight years older than me, and while we've always gotten along, he would do some conniving shit when we were younger.

One example:

16 year-old Brother: Hey LM225, want to play a game?
8 year-old Me: (happy that my cool older brother wanted to hang out with me)
Brother: It's called "Restaurant." Go into the kitchen, write down everything that we have, bring me a list, and I'll tell you what to make me.
Me: (scurries off excitedly)

It wasn't until a couple of years later that I realized what was going on. He's a dick.

 

How the fuck did he do this? The way I'm picturing it, you were both the losers on this one.

 

I have a little brother who I still call "The Boy" to this day(he's going on 22). Some random things I used to do to him.

"The Test of Manhood"--administered when he was a teenager. I walked up to him with a wooden spoon in one hand, and tall glass of milk in the other, and told him to pick one. He picked the wooden spoon, and promptly got whacked across the head with it: YOU FUCKING MORON!!! WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO DO WHEN YOU PICKED THAT, FUCKING READ TO YOU?!?! PICK AGAIN!!!!!" He then picked the tall glass of milk. I promptly drank the milk and cracked him over the head with the wooden spoon again: "MILK ONLY MAKES ME STRONGER, YOU LITTLE SHIT!!!!!! GOD, YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!!!"

I used to go up to him when he was younger and tell him that if he can tell me why I shouldn't kick his ass without using the letter e, I wouldn't. Conversations would go like this:

Me: WHY?????

Him: I....got...to....go to....the mall--

Me: YOU SAID THE!!!!! :unch to the face::


then there was the time I walked him down route 9 when he was five with a sign that said "boy for sale"...I could go on and on with this.

 

My little brother was a demon as a toddler.

- At my grandmas house, we were eating fried fish. She served it to me and said, "Careful, it's hot." He calmy walked up to me, grabbed my hand and pressed it against the very hot fish. After hearing me scream, he ran away in a fit of giggles.

- In the tub, we were taking a bath. I liked holding my breath under water. My mom turned around for a second while I was underwater and I tried to come up for air, but couldn't. That's because he was holding my head down.

 

I have two older brothers. I fought with the one closer in age to me every day for about 2 years and everyday it was the same. We would start out play fighting and my mum would tell me to stop it because I would get hurt. About 2 minutes after this I would get hurt and go nuts at my brother who in turn would fight harder against me. Then I would cry and run away.

When I got to high school my brother would come into my English class and chase me round then "give me beats" as he would say.

Another time in high school he duck taped me to pole.

Looking back on it, he was a dickhead.

 

My brother's seven years older than me. I was an annoying little shit of a sibling, and he, for the most part, ignored me. On the occasions when he wanted to be mean (or I was just being too much of a dick) he would wrestle me to the ground and sit on my stomach while pinning my arms at my side.

He would then tickle me to the point of passing out. I'm extremely ticklish, so this wouldn't take long. To this day, I instinctually fight back against any and all attempts to tickle me. Every girlfriend is warned that I become all knees and elbows if they want to try that shit on.

 

Ahhh, I remember the year my parents got that above ground pool.

My dad was friends with a guy who owned a pool company, so he got it at cost.

My brother and I had fun in it until one day it took an ugly turn. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but he pissed and I felt the warmth from it. Add to that he thought it was the funniest thing ever. I retaliated with a warm stream of my own.

Soon after, anytime we got in the pool, it'd be a piss contest to see who could piss on the other first. We only did this when my parents weren't in the pool, to avoid any beatings.

After a few weeks of that, I never went into the pool agian. On the other hand my brother, and my unknowing parents, continued to use it for years to come.

 

Two things come to mind. The first happened when my older brother and I were hitting some pop flies to each other. Another kid came to join us and a little while later my brother decided he needed to show off. He did this by throwing an aluminum baseball bat at me. The barrell hit me square in the shin. I couldn't walk for 2 days and was the absolutely worst pain of my life.

Second time my brother was showing off for the neighbor kids. This was accomplished by ramming me mouth first into a trash can. He scraped off a bunch of enamal (Permanant teeth, which will have to be capped soon because of brushing has worn off more) and peeled some of my gum off on one of my front teeth. I had to go to the hospital to have the hanging gum cut off. For about 4 years one front tooth looked bigger than the other but the gum came back and it is even again.

There were others but those were the worst. We were and still are close though.

 

I'm an only child, but I have one of these tunnels for my daughter and would probably delight in doing things like this:

 

My sister is 3 years older than me so I was the annoying younger brother. I don't remember any particularly bad incidents but I would always try to get into my sister's room when she had friends over so we spent a lot of time fighting at the door. I was pretty annoying but I feel pretty justified because she would rat me out for anything I ever did wrong and I tattled on her.

 

My older brother and I are relatively close in age (1.5 years apart), and he didn't particularly terrorize me. He did play rough, which resulting in me having to get stitches quite a few times. Once we were wrestling in our room, and I ended up cracking my forehead open down to the skull. Had to get twenty stitches, some of which they couldn't use local anesthetic for because they were so close to my skull. Another time we were playing in the yard, and he thought it would be funny to play "think fast" with the sprinkler. I did not "think fast" and the sprinkler hit me in the face, busting open my chin.

 

My brother is almost 7 years older than me. We don't fight often but when we do, it's ugly and loud. It's mostly cussing each other back and forth but if I can get my hands on anything, I throw it. Over the years I've thrown: a shovel*, a pair of scissors (that stuck in the door), shoes, a glass of Mt. Dew, my cell phone... well, you get the idea.

He was also in a bad accident in '97 and broke his neck. When he went to rehab he became this bitter angry person (rightly so) but I was sick of him treating me like shit so I got revenge the only way I could think of. He still had a halo on and didn't have much movement in his arms... so I straddled his chest, pinning his arms down with my knees and plucked his eyebrows and nose hairs. In reality, I probably only got 10 or so hairs but it worked and he was much nicer from then on out. Except for the time he spit in my face.


*I have serious anger management issues and I know it. It's not like I actually hit him, it was more of a gesture. The subtle ones weren't working.

 

I have an older step sister, a younger step sister, a younger step brother, and three younger half sisters (at last count, and not all in the same house). My older sister and I were the worst to each other. She'd routinely lock me out of the house, force me to do her chores, etc.

My favorite way to get her back was to sneak into her room when she wasn't around and fuck with her CD collection. She probably had 100 or so (it was the early 90s, that was impressive), and I would take them all out of the cases, shuffle them up, and put them back into random cases. The agonized scream when she found out was always very rewarding.

 

I could never sit next to my older brother while he was playing Nintendo. If I did my leg would end up black and blue from him hitting me because he sucked so bad. One time he had this giant pixie stick and I wanted some. So I was pestering him for it pretty hard but eventually gave up. Well about 10 minutes later he comes to me and says he doesn't want it anymore and I can have the rest. In my blind sugar craving rage I went bottoms up on that pixie stick! What I didn't know was my brother finished it and filled it with salt. I spent the next 10-15 minutes gagging and coughing as he was rolling on the floor laughing at me.