So in January I split with my wife from three years. I'm still recovering from it, but that's for another topic. One thing I've found is that I function much better and I'm much happier when I'm with someone, and I've been actively trying to find a special girl again for the last 3-4 months. I've had some mild success, mostly because I feel I've been off my game lately. This morning I had to see a nose specialist to fix my nose since I broke it (with my own knee) at BJJ practice on Monday night. The doctor was super cute, I kept joking through the whole thing, and I felt a good vibe, but I didn't act on it. I even had an excuse to go back 5 minutes later because I had lost my watch somehow, I was alone in a casual context with her, and even then I choked and didn't ask her out. Somehow, I can't find back the ''who cares, you'll be dead someday, just go for it'' feeling that makes you jump at opportunities without self-doubt showing its ugly face. I've missed a few openings in the last few weeks and it made me realize I need to change something about my current mental state, I'll have to work on it. Focus: Ever been too self-conscious when approaching people? How did you fix it? Alt. focus: What's your game like? How do you approach people that interest you? Are you the shameless kind who can go to anyone and say whatever pops through your head, or a you a neurotic who has to make a detailed step-by-step plan just to go break the ice? What has worked best for you?
Yes. Luckily the Internet was invented and it turns out I am a pimp on the Internet. If I were born in the Renaissance or something I would likely have died a virgin. Once she agrees to go out, there's a sunk cost, and that keeps her from running off right away, which gives me like an hour, hour-and-a-half to turn on the charm. Now that I am engaged, the few minimal skills I have developed to woo women and overcome fear of rejection are useless. Just another irony of the universe.
Well, I've been with the same girl for ten years now, so I can talk about quote The Game quote about as much as I can talk about that weird Middle East game where they chase each other on horses for a dead goat carcass, but I never had an issue with talking to pretty much anybody. In person, I'm a non-stop banter type that waits for subjects to be created and then I chuck the ugliest truths I can at it. Being in front of crowds no matter the size does not phase me and I find that saying shit, whether it be funny or stupid or utterly nonsensical is a lot more fun then staring at your drink like it can turn Cheerios into platinum. And you are doing this because you apparently forgot how to breath and speak english. Shyness almost always means you're a nice person, but I found shyness bores everybody around them, and boredom = you're not interesting. Shyness also more often than not stresses out the person, however it can be cured through practice. Try different scenes. You might hate practically all of them, and then like one. Speaking from people I know and first hand, it works out more often than you think. As far as "Game" goes.. well, THERE IS NO GAME. God. Fucking. Damn. Fuck that term, fuck Neil Strauss, and fuck PUA's. We are all individuals and there are no sure-fire methods other than not being an asshole. There. Science.
If you're into girls with strong forearms, join a bouldering gym. But any sort of physical activity will do. Anything that has normal practices and organizes trips. I will maintain, now and forever, that I have terrible game. But I like doing stuff, and girls seem to like that. It's just a matter of broadening and enlivening your social circle. Being more handsome also helps. Try to be more handsome.
I've always viewed going after women to be like hunting; pick and choose your 'target'... See I mostly meet women online, because the dating scene in my town sucks; and the bar scene ain't much better. So while I've met a few women (either girlfriends or just to fuck) in person, I've mostly connected with women on Myspace or Facebook. I'll just start out friending them or randomly messaging them, trying to build up a rapport with good conversation and eventually talking them into chilling with me wherever and going from there. This allows me to pick and choose without having to actually meet them in person at first; I can look at their pics, profiles, and all that to see if... A.) I'd like how they look. B.) If we actually have anything in common. C.) How far away they live, and how much time I'd have to invest driving to meet them. When/if those three criteria mesh then I'll take the time to get to know them and see if she wants to try a date or maybe just hook up if I think I've got a shot. If I'm at a bar, club, or whatever I'll usually stand off to the side chilling and watching the crowd, getting a feel for the place. Should a woman catch my eye, I'll wait for a good opportunity to wander over and offer to buy her a drink; if she accepts my offer that gives me a good way in to start with casual conversation and then to try to get her contact info; and then operating like I would if I had met her online.
Being myself. Pretending to be the guy I thought this or that girl wanted didn't work out too well for me. In many areas, I'm not the same person I was 24 years ago when I got married, yet I've also held onto many characteristics and traits. It's growth, and I am very fortunate to have someone to grow with. Though, there's something to be said for roofies, too.
I never go out to try to pick up girls, and I don't really go up to a girl specifically to try to get her number. It seems...forced. That isn't to say that when I go out to the bar with my buddies I won't hit on girls there, its just that "hey bro lets go out and get some numbers" doesn't ever happen. If I'm out, and I end up talking to a girl who I think is fun/cute, I'll ask her for her number. I have some friends who will show up to a party and immediately pinpoint exactly which girls they want to hit on before the end of the night, and that works for them. I prefer for things to kind of just...happen. Depending on my mindset on a particular night (this has nothing to do with how intoxicated I am), I can be anywhere from quiet and only really talking to a few people I know, or dragging every girl in the place out to the dance floor. When I'm not out, I tend to keep to myself. If I'm out running errands and I hold the door for a cute girl, or I see a girl in class, I'll smile at them but I never really try to start a conversation. That's something that I really need to work on. ....and hitting up girls on MYSPACE? Seriously man?
This is me. I honestly used to prefer just to go out and try to have fun. It has been my experience that talking to women just happens organically from doing this. Often if you're not the douche bag hitting on anything that moves wome will approach you. Oh and apparently dimples help. Although since I have been in an exclusive relationship for the better part of three years any game I might have had I'm sure is long gone.
The only time you're going to be super self-conscious is when you're trying to play another game. What are you good at, push that out. I have a friend who isn't a looker, he's short, but he has a great southern accent. So when he meets girls, he plays up his accent and acts all southern. It gets him laid. I'm the solid looking guy that's not knocking any girls out the park so I have to sell my asshole shell, nice guy center schtick. My other friend is tall and plays up his "everything is great, wonderful and perfect in life" game. No one is lying about anything, no one is reading internet tips. Just take what you're good at, and wave it around. Some girl will be attracted to it and something will happen. Most of this is accepting that you're not going to catch a carnivore with a veggie burger, and not going to catch a vegan with a bloody steak and eggs.
I'm actually terrible at the initial approach, but if I somehow don't screw it up too badly and can take the person out, I do very well. I've had several dates tell me they expected something completely different from the first time we met but ended up being pleasantly surprised once we're out.
Well that was when Myspace was popular, not the abortion it's become in the last, what three years? Fuck I can't even remember the last time I was actually on that website. At one time it was quite the place to pick up mentally ill fat chicks.
two things jump out right away. First you broke your nose at BJ practice and say you want women, secondly you open with a picture symbol of someone who puts bear traps on womens heads at some point asking for a "game" First I think you may be sending mixed signals, or just pyscotic ones. really, I have no clue what anymore. I've been married for 11 years now and don't really think I have any real "game" to exist. I hit on my wife, but that's a no pressure situation since over dinner I can casually ask "want my dick in your mouth" and she doesn't call the cops like she did on our first date. over all, with women I have had interest in, I'm an awkward coward, if it's friends of friends, I say whatever and get flirted with. I do have to say there is some credit to the not giving a shit factor, but not just to being a dick though. i'm gonna go back to the proper saturday night place in the drunk thread now....
For the most part, I say what pops into my head. I would advise heavily against it, particularly if you are anything like me.
I was a virgin until I discovered the seduction community when I read The Game at age 21. I was the guy who was friends with girls but I was always too nervous and shy to ask any girl out. Once I read that book I immediately went on amazon and bought every single book relating to the subject and read them all. I downloaded every pick up artist DVD program and constantly had it on in the background while I was studying or whatever. I was going out 6 nights a week for about 4 months and approaching girls experimenting with various strategies I'd learned (one method I found useful in my early days to get a number was writing my number down on a piece of paper and tearing it in half and sliding it to the girl). I was a fucking retard my first few dozen approaches, stuttering over my "openers" and "routines" etc. Finally after probably close to 100 approaches and several dates that led to nothing more than make outs, I got laid. In the past 2 years I've had sex with 9 girls. I got into my first relationship that lasted nearly a year. Say what you will about the subject, but it changed my life and several others(one guy I met didn't lose his virginity till age 27 after discovering pick up). The main thing I learned was that putting yourself out there is the most important part. I learned more from talking to girls than all the books and bullshit combined. But without the books I wouldn't have had the courage to do any of it. The books made me feel "normal" for being afraid to talk to girls or large groups, and when I realized that other guys had this problem and overcame with amazing success it I felt encouraged. Anyway, my "game" is much more natural now, but without those intitial training wheels I would probably still be a virgin today.
Myspace jokes aside, you honestly hit up random girls on Facebook? That just seems so odd to me. Are these friends of friends? Or what? I'm curious now
I'm not an initial approacher - unless you count a small observation. I'm a horrible flirt, I am not particularly funny, and people tell me I'm kind of intimidating. That said - situations where I'm not comfortable (anything religious, anything to do with The Husband's family, private school friends, or Jew friends - I'm out. Quiet, really almost wallflower) I tend to choose to fade into the background and observe people for awhile before I engage with them. Even then, it's a select few people, usually people whom I've spent a little time watching or listening to. I'm not a "jump into it pell mell" kind of person in those situations, because honestly - THEY care a LOT more about what people say to one another than *I* ever have. I have no game. See above. I'm not funny, I'm a horrible flirt - it comes across as almost sugary. Usually, an observation of our surroundings. Whether it's standing in line with groceries, coffee for the day, something to do with my gym, or a food issue, just something open ended we can either banter back and forth on, or the conversation can die and no one's offended. I'm only shameless in the reality that I say things that other people only think, and it generally doesn't occur to me to stop myself. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, sometimes it doesn't. Smiling and eye contact work best for me.