On more than one occasion, me and my best friend would be watching TV late at night on a Friday or Saturday, and we'd hear a faint thumping coming from my parents bedroom upstairs. Every time we'd simply look at each other with the Deer In Headlights look on our faces, and then turn back to the TV, hoping it would die down soon. One evening when me, my brother and my sister all had friends over, my parents were heading upstairs as me and my siblings were razzing them, and my mom turned to us and said "Fine then! We'll just go upstairs and have really loud sex!" It took every ounce of strength to bite my tongue and say, "Wouldn't be the first time." Anti-Focus: The closest to being walked in on was when me and my ex had parked my car down a secluded road to do it in the backseat (we were in high school, fuck off). Well after we were finished, we see a garbage truck pull up beside us. Neither of us had even noticed the dumpster we were parked beside. While not all that embarrassing, it was kinda creepy having a garbage man look over as I'm putting my shirt on and my girlfriend's putting her pants on, and give me the thumbs up.
At the tender age of 10 I walked in on my mom bent over wearing nothing but fishnet stockings and my dad kneeling behind her with his hand in a cleaning glove. We all shared an "oh shit" look for a second until I scampered back out of the room. Lesson learned, old people have crazy sex too.
I've been trying to supress this for nearly 25 years, but you bastards have unleashed the memory. There's no putting this genie back in the bottle, so you may as well revel in my pain. Mom, who is a mother of 5, and I were about age 50 and 20. She had been widowed about 10 years prior and had been cavorting with some tool for a number of years (so she couldn't have been THAT hard up), but was currently single. The old hag liked to go dancing, guzzle jugs of tequila paralyzers and get tipsy ("I'M NOT DRUNK!"). This particular night I was woken from my own drunken slumber by some odd noises coming from the main floor of our townhouse. I stumbled my ass out of bed, trying to get my bearings and peered down the stairs. Mom is getting ridden by some dude on the couch. That filthy, fucking whore was banging a random from the bar, in my living room, on my couch. His name was OH PAUL! I'm sure you can figure out how I know that. Excuse me while I go pour a mug of Crown Royal and write a post-it to finally call a therapist.
I had a similar experience when I was about 8, seeing my parents and I shared a wall, and their bed was right up against it. I was woken up to hear my Dad being very insistent in wanted sex, and my Mum being very adamant about not having sex. This led to a good 10 minutes of arguing and quotes from my Mum like: "No, I said I don't want to, get off of me." I don't know whether I'm grateful for not hearing them go at it, or wish they had so hearing my Dad trying to force the issue wouldn't be burned into my brain forever. That messy relationship ended in divorce quite soon after. But remembering that has brought back many fun memories from my youth that were safely buried away. Thanks for this thread kuhjäger. Now where did that vodka go?
I'm really happy I never actually SAW my parents having sex. The one glimpse I got of Dad's penis one day was enough to scar me forever. But, for at least two years, between ages 12 and 14, I was awakened no less than once a week by the rhythmic screeching of the bed springs as they squeaked their way to a rowdy climax. I'd lay in bed, put my pillow over the head, and pretend I couldn't hear my parents doing the naughty. Finally, when I was 14, my parents let me move into the (essentially uninsulated) unfinished room in the attic. Freezing to death for 3 months each winter was much less traumatic. This thread scares me, because my kids haven't caught me...YET. And now I can see, clearly, exactly how warped they'll be if they ever do.
I never walked in on my parents getting it on, but I could hear them doing it. Growing up my bedroom was across from theirs and I could hear the bed squeaking from time to time. Alt. Focus I have never had anyone walk in on me getting it on, but my one ex had a lot of pets and they would sit next to the bed and watch us doing the dirty. At first it was kind of weird, but after a while it was kind of cool to be watched, even if it was just by a couple of dogs and cats. My wife and I have done it plenty of times with people in the house. Whether it be at our house or at my parents house...etc.
I caught my parents twice. I didn't really see anything the first time. I just remember a lot of "get out's" and a good amount of running. They both gave me a very stern lecture about the importance of knocking before entering. The second time was a little more interesting. I was playing around at night with my friends and I looked in their window and saw my dad's pasty white ass on top of my mom. I was old enough to know what they were doing and I just turned and walked away. This wasn't so bad, except my dad hugged my sister not long after and my sister commented that he was sweaty. "I've been working!" was his stock response when sis commented on his sweat when he was mowing the lawn, and he gave the same response at 10 o'clock on a Saturday night when, you know, he just finished fucking my mom. I wouldn't have caught what he said had I not known what they were doing. I don't think there's any way anybody can fuck in my apartment and not get caught. We can tell when my neighbor is faking it or if she is actually having an orgasm. My neighbors below me used to alternate between fighting and fucking on Sundays. There's no way my neighbors don't know our sexual preferences and habits, all things considered.
I never walked in on my parents but I did find their stash of condoms. I didn't know what they were at the time so I did what any kid would do, blow up a bunch of these "balloons" that my parents had been hiding from me for some reason. I also found out that they would hold a lot of water. My parents weren't very happy when they found out, but they never would explain why. This isn't surprising though coming from the people who rented a video from the free section at Blockbuster featuring a cartoon duck and a naked couple when it came time for "the talk." Mom put the video on and scampered out of the room.
Re: I saw Mommy and Daddy wresetling last night!!! My parents are very young so sex has always been a running joke/open topic for the whole family. I do remember finding condoms in the bottom drawer and opening them wondering what they were and why they looked like baby bottle nipples, but thats about it.
My parents were pretty fucking active when it came to sex(as evidenced by 6 kids) and were not quiet about it. The worst would be mom at the table the next morning telling us that Dad showed her a "good time last night." No wonder I did so many drugs.
Focus: I never caught my parents fucking. But apparently my grandfather did. When he turned 86 he came to live with us. One night he busted in on them to make sure everything was OK because he heard them getting rowdy. My mom told me years later (drunk as shit) him intruding became a recurring theme. Cockblocked by your 86 year old father. Good for him. I'm glad someone had sense to stop those shenanigans before anyone (me) got damaged for life. Anti-Focus: After a long night of drinking with friends, I and the girlfriend at the time retired to the bedroom. Cue her with her ass in the air and me on all fours tossing her salad. Neither of us had the wherewithal to shut the door. Or turn off the lights. I'm going to work on her, my lower back arched, my ass wide open to the door and the hallway and swaying side to side. Because I like to keep time, like a metronome. Imagine that as the end of a long corridor in a horror movie. At first a pinprick of light. Then it zooms into the ghoul lying in wait. This is the only light emanating from that part of the house, the only beacon. Eventually, behind me I hear "Oh Jesus Christ," then yelling, "You need to shave that shit!" followed by a door slamming hard.
This is how it was in our family too. I could always rely on before-church sex every Sunday morning. One of those Sundays at the age of 11, I accidentally walked in on my mother in the reverse-cowgirl position butt naked and it wasn't pretty. No matter how much alcohol I drank, I could not suppress that image. My mother got me back two years later and walked in on me butt naked in the middle of my bedroom floor, sitting in front of a TV screen playing a frustratingly censored Spice film, going to town on my newly peach fuzzed adult-sized penis. Both events had the same reaction: An "oh shit" and a slammed door. Is there really any other way you can handle it?
I walked in on my 11-year-old going to town on his brand new toy a couple of months ago. His spunking material of choice? Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" on youtube. I have a feeling the next few years are going to be rough.
You could react the way my mom did and buy her son a subscription to Playboy and Annual SI Swimsuit Calendar every Christmas; Pros: improved reading skills. Those articles are really damn intelligent. Cons: created an even larger complex regarding objectification, beautiful women, blah blah blah. I never outright said it but it's like 'thanks mom, for the additional spank material. you really do care about my needs.'
I've never walked in on my parents. I've heard suggestive noises in the middle of the night, but they were ghosts, and NOTHING more. I did, however, stumble upon this huge fucking dildo kit under my parent's bed. It looked like it was something the military would issue. There were upper and lower receivers, tactical attachments, the works. I wondered if it could create some Voltron-esque super dildo if all of the pieces were assembled together. The whole experience was...disturbing.
Never on my parents, though I found their sex toys and ... instructional videos (Seriously, one was titled 'Becoming Orgasmic'). I did walk in on my brother jerking it in my room on my comuter; I wasn't even sure what I was seeing but he immediatly covered himself and said "I'll give you $15 if you never bring this up again." My 14 year old self took the money and I assume he won't find this post and hit me up for it seven years later. Antifocus: I parked in a dark corner behind a mall once and started going at it in the truck [this is an SUV with seats that folded down] and a rent-a-cop tapped my window and said "You a sick fuck and go get a house. How dare you interfere with the children who might be walking by?!" I'm not sure what confused me more; the go get a house bit, or the fact this was 1:30 am combined with his concern for the children
There are two or three times i've walked into my house to find my parents door locked.... In all 21 years those have been the only times i've known them to lock the door. so doing the dirty or coming up with pig flu... Something was happening in there that I wanted no part in.
I've been caught, I believe it's in the grocery bag condom thread. Walked in on my Dad twice. First time I guess was only a sorta-walked-in. Both times were Junior year of high school. My Dad had been cheating on his wife (my second step-mom) and she finally found out, so we moved to an apartment for a year, while she looked for a new house. The lady he'd been cheating with remained his girlfriend (she's now my third step-mom) and she'd stay over all the time, but normally, I'd at least know she was gonna be there. This particular night, she was not there when I went to sleep at around 11 or so. One must have booty called the other, because when I woke up and had to pee at 3AM... Well, I had to pass by my Dad's door to get to the bathroom, and it was cracked open a little. Casually glancing in as I passed, I paused and tried to figure out what those two long shadows were, waving back and forth. As I peed, I realized, they were her legs. The door was closed as I made my way back. Second time, I had just gotten home from school, and realized I had forgotten I was supposed to work that night. I saw that my Dad was home from work early, and so I yelled out to him, asking if I could get a ride, as I was late and didn't want to ride my bike (no car yet at that point). I heard something muffled, didn't understand it. I changed into my best Hollywood video tux shirt and cummerbund, and knocked on his door. He responded with a loud, impatient "WHAT?". Now, he'd told me before that he refused to talk to me through a closed door, so I figured it was ok to open up. He collapsed from, well, pushup position to cover his girlfriend, and she squealed and jiggled a bit. Needless to say, I rode my bike to work.
Last year I was back at home for a weekend to attend a wedding over the summer. I was 21 at the time, and before going home had never once heard my parents having sex let alone walking in on them. Since I figured I would be drinking at least enough to keep me from driving at the reception, I just rode along with my parents thinking nothing of it, and not worrying about getting a ride later. About an hour into the reception like 20 minutes after the food had come, my mom came over to me and told me that they were leaving shortly, and that I could either come with them or find my own ride home. Seeing as I hadn't even finished eating my dinner, I decided to stay and hang out with people I hadn't seen in a while. Well, half an hour later and with most of the conversations turning to boring inanities, I scored a ride home and was going to go out with old friends from high school (I would have stayed and went out with the wedding party, but the bride and groom were long time church friends and the wedding party wasn't really doing much after the reception). When I'm staying at my parents house I basically take over the basement, and use the back door to come and go. Since I was back for 4 days I decided to bring home laundry to do (so it was free, and since my mom willingly will do it all without hesitating), and I had a nice clean load folded on the bed in our guest room upstairs. My parents had just recently bought a very large new flat screen that is set up in a room right next to where the top of the stairs are. Because I used to sneak out so much in high school through the basement, out of habit I always close the door very quietly so my parents didn't hear me come home. Well, that day is the day I should have slammed the door. I get home, take a pee, and run upstairs to grab a quick change of clothes, only to be smacked in the face by 52 inches of high def porn. My mom tried to meet me at the top of the stairs to direct my attention elsewhere as my dad fumbled around with the remotes and buttons on the tv to try to turn it off (he seriously looked like a 12 year old kid whose mom had just walked in on him watching the scrambled channels where you could catch a boob or two). Needless to say their efforts failed and I walked in on their foreplay. I'm just glad that I didn't get home 10 minutes later. And I have now learned to make a little more noise when I'm staying there just in case.
Thankfully, I can say no to both. However, the day my friend lost his virginity is about as bad as it gets. He was fifteen with his (also a virgin) girlfriend at the time. She had spent the night at his house the night before, but the parents made her sleep on the couch all the way on the other side of the house. Next morning they get up and his whole family + his girlfriend go to an early morning Sunday mass. After the service my friend's mom and the rest of his family lag behind to do some church stuff while my friend's dad drops him and his girlfriend off at the house and then goes off to do something else. They were home alone in his room and got right down to business. They knew their time was limited but they went for it anyways. Oh, did I forget to mention his door didn't even have a lock on it because his mom didn't trust him? In the middle of everything he didn't hear his mom coming through the front door. You can guess what happened next. According to him, he was finishing right as she made it to his room. Wait, it gets better. After that my friend's mom calls the girlfriend's mom and tells her the whole story. She promptly came and picked the girlfriend up and that was the last time they ever saw each other. In addition to that, my friend's mom tried to force him into all this religious counseling and other such bullshit. At that point he'd had enough and told her to fuck off. Top that.