As far as greatest inventions of the past 20 years go, it's pretty hard to beat the cell phone. They've changed our lives so much, from never being lost again, to coordinating perfect airport pickups, to full blown internet access, it is hard at this point to even imagine what our lives were like before cell phones. Unfortunately, every cell phones, like all revolutionary inventions, have their bastard step-child. I'm talking, of course, about the drunk text/call. While occasionally actually helping us by giving us the balls to do something we weren't able to, usually they only serve as the source of hungover embarrassment. Hell any time I've blacked out, the next morning, the worst part the hangover isn't the worst part. The real dread is checking my cell phone history to see what regrettable decisions I made in my drunken stupor. Focus: Tell us your most embarrassing drunk text/call stories. The more you regretted it, the more I want to hear the story.
Ahh, the drunk txt. While I can't think of one where my txting has gotten me into trouble, one of my housemates that I currently live with is a champion of drunk txting. It's gotten to the point where the next morning me and the other housemates will flip through our phones to see if we got any really good txts from him. Here are some that are on my phone as of right now. I will write them and then tell the story behind each. "If I dnt come to the rave its beczu im getting blown by a 17 yr odl" Our friends house was having a rave themed dance party and "Ole Greg," as he is so affectionately referred to, was at another friends house. I got this txt at 10:52 before I had even stepped out for the night. Apparently one of his friends little sister had come up to college for a weekend and Ole Greg called her a bitch and a lightweight...and then proceeded to challenge her to 10 shots in 10 minutes at 10 o'clock. She managed to make it to seven shots, while he finished all ten (The guy is a tank...all 5'5'' of him.). Around 11:15 I get a txt from the friend whose sister Ole Greg was after, saying that they were sloppily making out in his bathroom, which he had just walked in to see. At 12:30 that night while at the rave I see Ole Greg stumble in, incredibly wasted, with a huge grin on his face. The girl gave him head and then passed out in the bathroom while Greg made his escape. Classy broad. I saw her later on facebook the next morning when Ole Greg was showing us what she looked like, and realized why she was blowing random dudes in a bathroom at 17. That girl was a hot mess. Next txt: "Fuck you you fukcing fuck FUKC YUo!1@" Someone told him I threw up on his couch...which gladly I did not. Rather it was a dude on acid who pissed his pants and threw up on his couch following one of their parties.
God, the worst just happened on my birthday this year. I had been talking with this girl I had met at the local dive bar I frequent. She's 18 and here studying Chinese for a year before going to college (something that's very common round these parts). I had met her on Halloween, we had bunch in common and sloppily made out before I passed out on the floor of the bar. So things got off too a great start. I talked too her for the next month and partied with her some more. On my birthday I went out and get rip roaring drunk she didnt make it out so I had been texting her through out. Most of them were the "you should have been here" sort. Then around 4 am I was already home in bed ready too pass out, I was far pass the black out stage, when I shot off a few idiotic text where I professed that she was the only for me and wanted to be with her exclusively and so forth. I dont even know what dark recesses of my mind thought this shit was gold material to be telling a girl you only drunkingly made out with a few short weeks before. She simply texted back "how fucking drunk are you?" I had tactically shamed myself into cutting off all attempts to further woo this girl. I met up with her a few weeks later where she laughingly showed me the text, I had deleted them from my phone and tried erasing them from my mind. But it ruined any chance of anything after that. It turned out too my benefit though, we hung out more in group situations with mutual friends and she turned out to be an attention seeking drama queen. She'll turn emotionally on a dime and constantly breaks down in tears so that people will come console her. Im good friends with one of her classmates and he assured me she's an emotional wreck and he's learned just to ignore her childlike attention grabs.
Although I don't have any especially good drunk text stories (i.e. different than the stereotypical ones) about texts that I've sent, I woke up to a pretty good one this morning. For context, my best friend was in Vegas for the weekend and when he landed back home today, he had to go clean up and move out of his former apartment with his now ex-girlfriend. I got it at 4:27 AM. I haven't talked to him yet but I really hope he did actually get married because that will NEVER get old.
Not the craziest drunk text I've sent by any means, but the most recent: A couple weekends ago, I looked through my sent box to see that at 3 a.m. I sent a text that read "Woooorrrrdddddd" to my chiropractor. Good thing it was a landline.
Locally they've set up a new service that converts texts to a voice message so when you send one to a land line, they actually get it. All for a small fee to you, of course. Joy.
New Year's Eve (to my sister) I was confronted while playing drums on my wife's friend's ass (Thank you, guitar hero.). Obviously, if I can play "On the Road Again" on Paula's butt without missing a beat, I should be able to go home and fuck her. I went home and threw up in the hallway. That will teach her better next time. EDIT: In regards to the text to landline service, Alltell offered that years ago. My wife once texted our home phone at 3:00 am to say (robotically): Apparently, her group went out to IHOP after barhopping. The message was supposed to go her friend (who was out of town) that she was texting all night.
The absolute worst drunk call I ever made was to a girl I was dating that I also worked with. I had broken up with her on Friday at work and avoided 95% of the fallout and then threw myself right back into the fire by drunkenly calling her on Saturday and... - sang her an off the cuff song while my friend played guitar and recorded me - told her I "loved her" (for the first time after dating for a year) - told her I made a mistake and that we should get back together This was during my blackout drinking phase and I remember NONE of it. Luckily she left me a voicemail on Sunday telling me she was glad we talked. I immediately booked a business trip that kept me out of the office for two weeks and pretended the whole thing never happened, pulling myself back out of the fire.
Full body waxing is more like it. I don't really recall any drunk calls/texts (not that I didn't make them, but none come to mind), but drunk emails to siblings, in-laws and co-workers? Oh, yeah.
I was drunkenly texting lady bourbondown, and she told me I needed a pet for my lonely one bedroom apartment. At three in the morning I was pretty agreeable. Later that week when she came to visit she brought with her one of her mom's many cats. Yes, thanks to drunk texting, I am now the owner of Reggie the cat.
Oh man. I'm not a big drunk texter, but god forbid I meet a girl and there is clear intent (e.g. a minor sloppy bar makeout), but then we get separated and I black out all in the same night. I've sent some ridiculous strings of texts at least a couple times all leading to the same result: apologizing to the girl the next day and never speaking to her, or likely any of her close friends ever again. I've been able to read the progression as I went from a situation where the girl was probably tired and going to bed but would definitely come over the next day, to her thinking that I am annoying, to me being some kind of desperate creep who would never see her hoo-ha. I'm a winner, sometimes.
I once dated a hispanic girl who was first generation American; her parents emigrated from Mexico (legally.) We dated for about 9 months until one evening when she was very drunk with a few of her friends at a bar and decided to text me and accuse me of cheating on her. After about an hour and a half of berating, barely legible texts accusing me of being a cheating asshole, I asked her if she was kicked in the head by a burro too many times as a child and that all that time out in the sun picking fruit has made her delusional. Shockingly, we werent meant to be.