Law 1. Harden the Fuck Up. Personal responsibility is paramount and the default position. Slip and fall in a restaurant which had some spilled oil on the floor? Too bad. Someone hurts your feelings with insensitive words? Boo hoo. Break into someone's house and walk into a backyard punji pit, eventually dying of sepsis from the stake through your testicles? Unfortunate, but that's on you. The corollary to this law is that the legal system will take some small step back towards sanity, and be invoked only in the case of actual crimes. If you even think about suing someone over a computer game, the overworked admin assistant who receives your paperwork is allowed to take out their frustrations on you in the form of a long, profanity-laden tirade focusing on your shortcomings as a member of the community and as a human being. Law 2. Profits are good, but raping everything and everyone to achieve them is bad. Now that everyone is taking responsibility for themselves and not just trying to milk your company with frivolous lawsuits, we're reinstating the social contract which says you don't fuck over your own mother for another quarter of a point on the stock market. If you dump toxic waste into the local groundwater, your company will pay for the restoration and purification of that and three other local water sources in perpetuity. If you mine coal in such a way that the incidence rate of certain cancers and respiratory disorders goes through the roof in the surrounding community, in addition to paying all medical costs of everyone affected in perpetuity, you must also pay for the relocation of every person in town to the domestic location of their choosing. Oh, and while some risk is acceptable, you must have legitimate contingency plans in place if you are, say, drilling 10 miles under the sea. If you poison a few million animals, even accidentally, you are obliged to fund any scientific research necessary to figure out how to unfuck the situation. Law 3. Don't bite the hand that feeds you, dick. Any crimes against people in public service professions are punished three times as severely as crimes against everyone else. If you assault a paramedic, or abuse hospital staff, or punch a teacher, you are getting fucked up. Crimes against services which benefit the community are similarly punished. Vandalize an ambulance? Destroy a train? Fuck you, go directly to jail. Law 4. Pick on someone your own size. Look, if you rob a bank, or defraud big pharma, or murder a rival gang member, you're not winning any citizen of the year awards, but then again, boys will be boys. On the other hand, if you rob a pensioner, or defraud a mentally ill person, or murder a homeless man, you're a douchecanoe and should be punished accordingly. Crimes against the powerless attract punishment in proportion to the power and authority of the criminal. (Incidentally, this means that if you're a successful businessmen/politician, you will want to be very careful when exploiting legally grey areas to profit from the poor and uneducated.) Oh, and that weird law some of you Americans seem to have that prohibits full nude strip clubs from serving booze? That needs to be abolished. That just makes me feel sad for you.
1. Fat people are denied access to excessively bad-for-you foods. If you want to stay that big, you're going to have to more creative ways than baconators to stay fat. 2. If you commit a seriously stupid fine, your prison sentence will be incarceration until you can pass a I-understand-basic-things-in-the-real-life test. Combine this with actual productive work to make up for your cost to society. If they can't muster this, they get thrown in a pen and are forced to push a big ass wheel that generates electricity. 3. A how-to-approach-the-real-life course in high school. The idea of interest vs debt, playing out the consequences of certain actions like crime, education, teenage pregnancy, etc. Importance of voting, how to make important financial decisions, create a budget, etc. How to search for things on the internet, how to do online price comparisons, how to learn new things that aren't taught in school. How to fix a flat tire, basic first aid. Basic tenets of nutrition, effect of excercise, general health. What to do in case of a car accident, steps involved in a home purchase, how credit works. 4. News companies are liable for causing too much panic or false information. If they're found to be manufacturing fear or panic they're liable because they're evil and shit.
How could this possibly be construed to be a "fabulous" idea? Only a dirty stinky hippy could think of something so stupid. Fuck that shit, I work too hard and make too much money to have to ride the fucking bus home. I don't want to be trapped in a metal tube with a bunch of creepypoor loosers.
Rape victims get to select their attacker's cellmate. Yes, I would legalize soft drugs. Weed, mushrooms, the ones you don't get too old for (well, some of you do. That's cool). From what I have been hearing, a political party has been giving this a serious push in Canada in the last few days. It talks about $2 billion a year in government revenue from taxing its sales. Keep in mind USA, we have one tenth the population you have. I can't account for those numbers, but I AM okay with all of it, I'll tell you that. Sounds too good to be true to me. We can hope.
1. Ditto on legalizing soft drugs. 2. Welfare recipients can't vote (Before you get butthurt, I said welfare, not unemployment.) 3. A federal balanced budget amendment. 4. A blanket bill reducing gun control, federally recognizing gay marriage, and allowing euthanasia.
I'm from Britain, so as a result my views might be little left wing for some tastes here, I'm also a little ignorant on American public policy, as such i'll try and keep these general, so they can be applied to most western governments Get Serious About International Development This doesn't necessarily have to be the bleeding heart policy some may initially think. I belive that governments should view international development as uber-long term foreign and economic policy, not as aid. If "poor" countries can grow economically, it'll ultimately benefit developed countries as they'll have new trading partners with a variety of resources, and it'll benefit multi-national corporations with a view to expansion. Doing this isn't so straightforward - there should be a move away from the "aid" culture and onto issues such as education, infrastructure and healthcare. Government transparency and anti-corruption policies will also obviously be vital here. Shift Tax Policy Away from Income Tax revenue should focus on unearned, not earned wealth. i appreciate the "nest egg" mentality of many people who want to protect their assets, but it'll be better for working people at all levels if less tax is taken off their paycheck at the end of the month, and more is taken from those who are better placed to shoulder the burden, it's not fair that so much wealth is concentrated on so few, and i think it would better for the long term economic health of a society if more people are able to accrue wealth. it's a balancing act of course - we don't want to discourage people from doing better. In short, being a working member of society should pay, does our current tax system do that? I do support some regressive taxes - one which don't take into account income or wealth - like VAT. i;d add the already mentioned taxing ideas on drugs and prostitution, and add a "fat tax" as well - nothing insane, just an added percentage on foodstuffs with dangerously high levels of fat, salt sugar or artificial additives, it could literally be as small as o.1% of the price if it shows to be an effective revenue raiser. If people want to eat junk there's little you can do to stop it they can pay for it. Literally Shift Justice Policy to a Rehabilitative Structure In addition to the obvious suggestions that come along with this - that prisons can house a disproportionate number of people from low income or minority backgrounds, and addressing the wider questions as to why, i'd also query the nature of sentences of some white collar crime. Generic Fraudster spends years stealing money, in some form, from the public, why is the solution to lock him or her up at the expense - literally - of the public? Why not work out a community service program that allows them to "pay back" in labour - what the stole? Genuine Incentives for the Best and Brightest to Develop Alternate Energy Blah blah blah Foreign Oil, Blah Blah blah Climate Change..ignoring the issues on this matter that polarising, if new alternate energy sources can become booming business, we can create new industries and new jobs. The potential of the human race to solve problems can be awe-inspiring, surely some smart cookies out there can find a way to make new energy sources pay? Find them, incentivize them. I've probably outed myself as a bit of a commie here! I'm not, honest!
I've too many choices to narrow down and haven't necessarily considered their implications as strongly as I should, so I'll limit myself to one. This is a law the California Houses have that the US Congress doesn't: A Bill can only be about one topic. No amending a bill about the establishment of national wildlife refuges to build a bridge in Sheboygan, no amending the "Flags for Orphans" Bill to modify flight paths, etc.
1. (Thanks to Gaunt for reminding me of welfare). In order to receive food stamps/assistance/welfare of any sort other than unemployment, you must pass a weekly drug test. If you fail it, your benefits are revoked, and unless you can prove it was a false positive, you are legally required to repay all prior received benefits plus interest. If you are involved in conceiving a child while receiving welfare, you are assigned to work in a guarded waste processing plant until you have earned enough money to pay for the minimum estimated cost of responsibly raising a child to adulthood. The baby is put into the care of a financially and morally secure family. 2. Upon reaching 60 years of age, you are required to retake the entire driving exam once every year. Failure to do so will result in auctioning of any motor vehicle in your ownership and the revocation of your license. One failing of the exam is permitted, but a repeat failure will result in the above consequences. 3. Two drunk driving convictions on your record or causing a death as a drunk driver is punishable by public flogging and a free entry into a "Mad Max" style arena, held on top of a mined, 1/2 square mile platform 200 feet in the air with no barriers at the perimeter. Twenty contestants at a time are entered, half on bicycles, half in open-top cars with no safety features. Last one standing wins an AA sponsorship. The cars used will be those seized in execution of law #2, but not sold at auction (due to smelling like pecans and Depends). 4. Any politician caught telling an outright lie is forbidden to appear in public for the remainder of their term (if not an incumbent, five years) unless wearing a clown nose and wig. Conviction of embezzlement or "legal loophole" abuse of the law for personal gain results in forfeiture of all assets, to be auctioned and donated to an honest charity, along with a mandatory apology, broadcast on a special free-access TV station, to be delivered while wearing the above accessories and nothing else. Yeah, I'm an asshole.
I just want one law really. Any man talking to another man while his penis out at the urinal should be shot on sight. There are rare times where someone can get some silence during the day, one of those times should be when he's taking a goddamn piss.
Just conversation, any conversation at all, should not be allowed. My penis is out, I'm in the bathroom, any comments at all about anything shouldn't be allowed. Law #2. People shouldn't be allowed to use "Thanks" or "Thank You" as a substitute for "Goodbye" like 95% of my office does. If we have a meeting, which is part of our job and not in the service industry, "Thanks/Thank You" should not be said as everyone is getting up to leave. If I can't say "You're welcome" without it being awkward, then its not appropriate to say "Thanks/Thank You."
Fat taxes. Hoo nelly. OK, Ho-Ho McMuffintop, you want three Big Macs and large fries with your diet coke? 25% tax; Haven't left your house for months, Back-boobs McGee? $1000 fine (must be paid in person at town hall or else the fine triples); Too many complaints about your persistent disgusting odor even though you shower every day before work, Landwhale Jones? You're fired for making the office smell like stale bacon rinds; You want a free Rascal because you can't walk, Jane Lardassington? Fuck yourself. Oh wait. Your flaps would get in the way; Among other examples.
So, essentially, persecute fat people for being stereotypically fat in absolutely any way possible? Is that really what you're going with, norris?