Huh...that was pretty weird.

I had nightmares for the first time in a while last night.

The first one, I was driving down a familiar road, but it was pitch black. All of a sudden a huge hill rose out of nowhere and my car started accelerating on its own, and then I was careening down the hill. My car started losing traction and floating OFF the hill, completely out of control. Then I felt the sudden thud as I ran over a kid. He shouted, "You took off my foot!" and my car was covered in blood. I was frozen. When I woke up, every nerve in my body was singing, like I had actually just been in an accident.

The second one, I was walking through a familiar parking lot and there was this tall soccer dad type looking frustrated. As I walked past, he asked me if I knew whose car was behind his, since someone had double-parked and prevented him from leaving. I shook my head and kept walking, but there were people in front of me going too slow for me to easily leave the lot. I suddenly felt an intense need to leave the lot, right as I realize the guy is walking next to me. In my head I kept thinking, "Don't look at him, don't acknowledge him, just look ahead and get out." Then he asked me a question, and I turned toward him. Right as I look at him, there is an explosion of white light that renders me completely immobile. He grabs me and right before I pass out I realize it was all a setup. Then I dreamed completely black until a couple moments later when I woke up again.

Not a good night for sleep.

 

Two nights ago I had a dream that my ex girlfriend and I were still together and I somehow found out that she was hooking up with some other guy while begging me to marry her. I then immidiately broke up with her and began dating this super hot girl, Sam, that I've liked for a while now (in real life). The ex girlfriend then began dating some weird creep while trying to sabotage my relationship with Sam by telling her I wasn't good in the sack and that I would never marry her and shit like that.

Yesterday, I come to find out that the ex girlfriend is indeed now dating some wierd guy who looks not unlike the guy from my dream. Fucking weird. Now only if we could make that part about Sam true minus the sabotage.

 

Last night was a long one. I got notes though:

1.) I'm drunk and on a roller coaster. I decide it's a great idea to ride head first on top of the car with my beer Super-Man style. At first I'm afraid that I'm going to fall off, but after awhile I realize gravity and physics will keep my ass in place and begin to enjoy the ride... two fat lady life guards are sitting in the water below trying to fix the thing, because apparently this is an underwater roller coaster, and when it hits the water it stops. I'm now drowning, and I can hear them say I'm going to drown. I'm swimming but not moving. This whole time the beer never leaves my hand though and I wake up just before breathing in water.

2.) I'm in a hotel room, had just gotten out of jail on a DUI, and I'm hanging with a beautiful, tall, leggy blond. The people next door are partying their asses off loudly. A strung out looking dude keeps coming by for duct tape, and I have pieces on my finger pretorn I keep giving him. Finally the blond freaks out the cops are coming and screams, "the cops are the ones that killed the Yeti! They killed the Yeti!" I'm now thinking this bitch is crazy, and can hear the cops yelling at the people next door to go to bed, like parents yelling at their kids having a sleep over.

3.) At my class reunion (which is coming up) having drinks... do we see a sad theme here? Chilling out with a couple of old lady friends, when people start to show up. Eventually, I've ran into a lot of the people I've started thinking about again, and realize everyone's gone. So, I go looking for the bar, which is in my old high school's cafeteria. I look out the window and the ground is covered in snow. Suddenly, two giant deer stand up, shake off, and move a few feet over to lay back down.

I'm missing some parts, but alcoholism seems to be a running theme to these dreams. Being drunk ends up causing me to drown. A DUI and finally a quest for booze.

 

Last night in the only part of the dream that I can remember, I had dinner with Zygi Wilf. Thats it. I just walked in, sat down with Zygi, ate and shot the shit like we were old pals. I'm not even a Vikings fan. What. The. Fuck?

 

I have no idea what happened last night, as it was a weird cross between dreaming and knowing that I was dreaming.

I was in a garage, naked, and I had to pee but the only thing around was an empty Dasani bottle. I started peeing and it came out so fast that piss was breaching the seal between the head of my dick and the top of the bottle. The odd part was that it felt really good, like I was about to cum. Right at that point, there was a voice in my head in the dream saying, "You're gonna be so pissed if this turns into a wet dream and you have to clean that shit up later" (Inception--brraaaaaam).

It was like my conscious brain kinda cut into my subconscious to give me a little reminder that I should stop concentrating on if it felt good or not and just move on.

 

I always have dreams when I try and run I'm super slow and can barely move. It's the same thing I'm in a car I floor the gas pedal and the car goes nowhere.

 

I was appearing on a talk show with Kevin Smith and Jason Schwartzman. Schwartzman and I were starring in a new Kevin Smith movie. I walked out first. Followed by Schwartzman. It was Smith who was introducing us. He then somehow introduced himself, disappeared and walked through the curtain.

That's when my wife woke me up. All of this happened after my alarm went off and I fell asleep.

 

I was with my brother eating dinner when all of a sudden we decide to sneak into the Oscar's. So we steal a Black Lincoln Continental and pull up in front of the venue, I get out and act like an old, crippled man to get past security while my brother parks the car then ushers me in. The show for some reason is going on at a really large restaurant and we decide to snatch an unopened booth instead of a table. As we sit down, Jaime lee Curtis and Chevy Chase sit next to us and we all begin chatting it up. About half way through the ceremony, my brother and I get bored and decide to leave, so we walk outside only to discover a school bus full of topless girls with a 'the man show' banner on the side. We of course jump in and drive away. The last thing I remember is sitting in the back seat with one of the girls talking as the bus pulls up to my childhood home.

I've been having a lot of random dreams like that lately that I can't really piece together the connection with real life.

 

I just dreamt the fridge was full of chocolate milk. It was glorious.

 

I have been working on my dream recall a lot the last few days... and I am convinced that if Inception were real, I'd be the best fucking Architect in the business. I had a dream last night that I was in a house, which I recognized as my Dad's vacation house while in the dream, but realize now it bears almost no similarities whatsoever. Rooms were more spacious, filled with antique furniture and there were many more of them. And my dog was there, who died 2 years ago. It was fucking awesome to see him again, even just for a little while. And there was a bar literally 20 feet away, with bright red flashing lights and filled with drunks. I was with some people that I am fairly sure are totally invented, and we had a grand old time drinking and making fun of fat chicks. Then I was back in front of the house... and just like Inception, motherfuckers started popping up out of the bushes shooting like crazy. Can't remember anything after that.

My most recurring dream though is of a zombie apocalypse. Settings change, sometimes I'm holed up in a perfectly secure mansion, sometimes I'm in a shopping mall, one time I am fairly sure I was on spring break and not a damn person noticed the hordes of undead except me, which culminated in a shootout on a rock in the middle of the ocean, with zombies crawling up out of the deep and me mowing them down, then making a fantastic getaway on a speedboat. Other times I am just running for the my fucking life and every single tactic I use to try and stop the bastards is totally useless. Answer to that is simple, I have seen every single zombie movie, read every zombie book, and played every zombie video game ever made at least 20 times a piece. That shit is lodged into my subconscious forever.

Best dream I've ever had though, I was fucking Superman, suit and all, and I could fly. Nothing I have ever experienced compares to the awesomeness of being able to fly. And throw cars.

 

Either you'll believe me or think I'm full of shit about this one. I brought it up to someone earlier and thought I'd throw it out here.

Last night I dreamed about a girl I hooked up with a while back. Was a one time deal, only saw her once since. In the dream we were talking, sex comes up. She had crawled into my bed where I went to her. Her head was normal, exactly as I remember her. But when I pulled back the sheet, her body had a zipper on it, running the length of her torso. When I opened the zipper, her insides were a ziplock bag of soft cheese. Like a giant bag of Ricotta, swirled with green oil... with her head attached to the bag. I didn't find anything weird about it, opened the bag, and had sex with the contents. Her skin and normal body had disappeared by then.

Now, what the fuck? No, I do not do any drugs. I've been having some surreal dreams lately. I'm not much for dream analysis, but my subconscious put these ideas together from somewhere.

 

This is from at least a week ago, so I'm fairly fuzzy, but I'm amazed I remember it at all.

There was some stuff that happened in the first part of the dream that I don't remember, but it wound up with me on some sort of SWAT team storming a gigantic beach house/mansion. For some reason we were all using pistols instead of submachine guns or shotguns. I was the leader and was moving at the front of the squad as we cautiously walked through the building. We cleared all the rooms on the first floor with no encounters, so after a brief regrouping in the spacious and airy living room with stylish couches, a plasma TV, and a well stocked bar, we went to check the rooms upstairs. Each room was full of college aged people sitting around relaxing, the particular room I walked into had between 6 and 12 men and women sitting on a few couches, chairs, and the floor under blankets in the dark watching some movie I couldn't see. I instructed the moviegoers that they had to come out to the hall, and they followed my direction calmly and without incident. I took up a position in the hallway watching as college students streamed from the other rooms under the direction of the other SWAT team members, they were walking past where I was standing towards the stairs so they could be grouped in the first floor living room. One of the SWAT team members was standing in front of me talking excitedly to this red headed student about his gun and enthusiastically pointing out features on it and intricacies of the firing mechanism and grip. He then invited the student to take hold of the gun and check it out. The red headed student took the gun, lazily waved it around, pointed it at my chest, and fired. I felt an immediate incredibly sharp stabbing pain in my chest. Instantly my pistol was up and I unloaded a round into his head. Then another. Then another. Then another. I shot him in the head three times before he hit the floor, and kept shooting until my clip was empty as he lay sprawled on the floor. I did this purely out of malice. All while the other SWAT team members cheered me on.

That's when I woke up and made sure I didn't actually have a bullet wound in my chest.

 

I dreamed I was at a craps table last night, practicing the good old double down system, except for some reason the casino kept running out of chips to bet with. I started having to use pennies, paperclips, and finally.... littlenecks. Stacks and stacks of littlenecks. Now I can trace the source of every aspect of that dream, but I have to give my subconscious credit sometimes, its not often you put those two things together. Of course now all I can fucking think about is driving down to Mohegan Sun and blowing my life savings on a craps table. And shucking some oysters and going to town.

 

I just had the most fucked up dream of my life. I wake up in the middle of the night somewhat regularly, but mainly because of insomnia. This was the rare case where it was because of a nightmare. Just to give a warning, it was a damn long dream and I remember next to none of it already, and what I do remember is just jumbled horrific nonsense so this post won't make very much sense. One more thing since it will be easier to just say once, most of this is obviously impossible in Minneapolis.

In the dream I had just moved to Minneapolis like I had four months ago. I picked a spot at the top of a building near the beach and Mall of America. It was Saturday so I decided to take a stroll out by myself being super stoked at my awesome spot. I go to the mall and see a friend I haven't met in a few years. We go to a show at the bottom level. It was similar to American Idol and the audience voted. A group of naked girls (maybe 40 of them) are protruded from a wall and one of them sings. After the song the audience votes and if the audience votes no they kill the girl and stick her leg on a pole on an island in front of them. You can take these home as a sovernier later. There are three rounds, but a girl can only get killed in the first round and on the last round the singer has to fuck someone from the audience. Afterwards everyone in the audience gets ice cream. Ok...

We leave and start walking through a barber shop on the way out. The owner has a beef with my friend and says I need to wait outside while they talk. I go outside, and then the owner smashes a glass and begins to cut up my friend's face. I call 911, but after being sliced up for a bit my friend escapes and we both bolt.

My friend's face heals in a few minutes and then I meet an ex and a guy I know from high school who ODed on drugs. We're walking along when suddenly my ex disappears. A van comes down the road, ramming the guy who is dead in real life. It then proceeds to drive back and forth over his head. So we're running again. The van picks us up and it's full of large black guys, but they're only mad because my friend stole a road trinket (don't ask me what a road trinket is). They drive us around for awhile angrily, then tie my friend up and toss us out. We decide to go back to my apartment after I untie him.

My apartment is now a dilapidated shit hole, and we both lament my thinking I had picked a great spot to live. Then, I believe the apartment explodes and I woke up. There's a lot I left out, some that I remember and some that I don't, but honestly I can forget it all. As absurd as the dream was, it was fucking freaky when it was happening. I have a vague idea where some of it came from, but I'm not going to bother trying to make sense of it. I'm going back to sleep and hopefully dreaming about sex, or bunnies, or something nice.

 

It's not uncommon for recovering alcoholics to have vivid dreams about drinking, and I've certainly had a few doozies, but last night's was really odd. I was drinking at a bar, arguing with the bartender over how to make a margarita. The weird part is, both sides of the argument were entirely in Spanish. I don't speak Spanish. So apparently, my subconscious is a bi-lingual, active alcoholic.

 

I've been having some weird ass dreams of late, but this one threw me for a loop. A recently acquired pastime of mine is birding; identifying and taking pictures of birds. Not "walking around the woods with binoculars at 5 am" birding, just watching the birds that come to the feeder here at the cottage. About two weeks ago I dreamt that I was looking out the front window when I saw a new type of bird at the feeder, an Evening Grosbeak, and the subsequent scrambling to get the zoom lens on the camera to take pictures. When I awoke in the morning, I had to chuckle at myself. I said to the wife: "Christ, this is getting bad. I'm dreaming about the fucking birds now. I dreamt last night that Evening Grosbeaks arrived".

Fast forward one week. The wife and I are going through our morning routine; I'm reading the online newspapers having a coffee, she's getting breakfast ready. As she's handing me my breakfast, she says "What the fuck is that?" (always a lady). I get up to look, take one glance at the feeder and say: "Its a male evening grosbeak". My wife's head swivels towards me: "Get the fuck out of here." I had to get the bird book out to prove that I wasn't messing with her. This is our eighth winter here at the cottage and we have never had Evening Grosbeaks. The only reason I even knew about these birds was from flipping through the bird book. Yet as I type this there's a flock of 20 or so on my front deck.

Now if I can only have a dream about some winning lottery numbers....

 

I'm always having super strange dreams.

The one I will always remember occurred in 2006, mainly because Ted Nugent was in it. I've forgotten some of the details of it but the gist was I had an awesome house that was actually a cave in the hills above a city I live near[Duluth, MN]. The house was really cool though, like not just some shitty cave but it had everything that a modern house would have but the cave made up the walls and ceiling. Then I was on a charter fishing boat with Ted Nugent and he made some type of sandwich we were eating. And lastly my mom was my assistant, driving me around and stuff.

I just recently had a dream that I was a witness to a shooting but I had hidden the gun[why would I hide the gun??]. Police were searching my house, which was part of a larger building in the dream, searching for the gun and yelling at me to just come clean with where the gun was and that I was guilty of murder or something like that. They couldn't find the gun but found some drugs and then I was yelling and threatening and confronting all these law enforcement personnel because they planted the drugs to make me guilty for at least something.

In another dream from not too long ago I was a giant and I was watching myself in 3rd person crawling on this dam on a river and the dam got destroyed and flooded a town, I believe Duluth was the city in my dream again. Then the next thing I was normal sized and walking around the flooded city seeing all these people affected by the flood. Another part of the dream had me crawling in a tunnel back at the dam and I popped out into this room with a bunch of tools and weapons. Some old guy with a beard and white priest-like suit appeared and we were fighting around a table with all the weapons and tools. There were some other things in this one that I don't remember also.

I'll continue to post my dreams, I always tell friends about them and sometimes I think they think I'm crazy. Just not normal dreams.

 

I had two different dreams of completely different topics. First was one of my flying a Cessna around the city at low altitude, low speed; like 10ft and 20mph. I had to avoid tons of power lines, trees, and out of nowhere some massive fucking bridge. really, really odd.

The second was some sort of romantic movie where I am hanging out with "friends" at some lounge and I see this girl dressed as St. Pauli's Girl being the mom of the group and serving everyone. I immediately fall in love with this girl and so does some other guy who I have to fight with for her affection. I win the long fought battle and the other guy gets thrown off a balcony at a hotel and dies, and I get the girl. Flash forward some amount of time and we're all hanging out again at the same lounge and for some reason, the girl doesn't recognize me, but I am able to convince her who I am and we become fine again. Skip to me needing to get something from my car later that night, I go out and get whatever it is that I needed, but my car is not exactly the same as the one I have now, there are subtle differences like trim, wheels, etc. I don't notice but my friends are all laughing and they tell me that they 'stole' my car and put it in the nextdoor neighbor's garage. When they pull it out, somehow my car transforms into like a 1985 Camaro, and I'm okay with this. I go help my friends push it out of the garage and notice a stack of pictures of my girl, or a girl who looks like my girl, naked and half banging some dudes. The names on the back of the pictures were different, but I get mad. That's when I wake up. For some reason I could not remember the girls name for half the dream, but right now Tina comes to mind. I'm weird.

 

This is what I typed out right after a dream from about a year ago. I can't remember any dream since, and this was by far the most vivid dream I've ever had.

Spoiler

Begin in a very nice mansion. I live with <people I knew in real life>. At first no one else is there. I’m walking around checking out the place. I enter the office and begin messing with the computer. There’s a sense that there is something on this computer that I need to find. It feels like there is something of a sexual nature, and something else that is not sexual but is equally important.

Then I’m playing around with the various light switches and observing what they do. I feel like I’m flashing back to a memory I now know does not exist, but feels familiar and comforting. I have a sense of summer, and meeting <girl> though the location makes this impossible. End flashback, and I’m appearing in different parts of the house checking out the views outside. Then G and Kare there. I get high with them, and feel much different than usual. The buzz is very intense, but there’s a very different feeling, maybe like waking up from a deep sleep and being high combined. Very strange but not unpleasant. G and K are gone and I make food. I feel like a good portion of time elapses before I go looking for them.

Can’t find them so I walk back to the office and begin petting my very large and furry pet tiger. For some reason it is not happy with this and growls at me. I jump back and get the sense it wants to play without realizing it can hurt me. I avoid a lunge and lock myself in a bathroom. Note that after playing with the lights the entire house is dark, but not too much to see. I can hear G and K’s voices while looking for them.

As I jump into the bathroom I can see Gary and I assume everyone else playing cards, and I yell for them but they seem unable to hear me. Now the tiger is swiping its paw under the door to get at me. I am getting an overwhelming sense of myself dying; it feels inevitable and necessary.

Somehow the tiger disappears, and I’m back in the study. I see people congregating under a tree outside, and I feel an uncontrollable rush of danger and adrenaline. Amused by a sudden realization that I can control the dream, I add my brother to it and ask him to turn on the mansion’s automatic defense turrets. They’re not working, and in my mind I can see something kill him. I try to undo this but I can only control certain parts of the dream. Suddenly I’m upstairs, and all the others are kneeling on the kitchen floor, about to be shot by the intruders. I stop the bullets and in Nightcrawler fashion jump them all outside to safety. I imagine trying to fight off the numerous attackers and feel it’s impossible, so I choose to leave the dream. The sense of inevitable death returns, and the dream ends with me shot in the head as I leave.

Yeah, I didn't sleep well for a while.