How to create a stripper (or her abusive boyfriend)

Shamelessly stolen from somewhere but I can't for the life of me remember:

Every Christmas Eve give them $10 as a present. Over night steal the $10 and then on Christmas day ask to see the money. When they can't find it beat them and announce that due to their lack of responsibility Christmas is cancelled.

 

Goad and emotionally bully them for your own amusement and power kick.... because it "builds character"
Use lots of sarcasm , at every opportunity.
Withhold physical affection under the guise of "toughening them up"
Make birthdays and Christmas non events that are barely acknowledged.
Have ridiculously unrealistic expectations for what they should achieve academically.
Criticise them openly and threaten physical violence should they talk back or challenge you.





..... I've based all these on examples of people I actually know.

 

Breast feed them until they are 10. That should do it.

 

This actually happened to me. I was spending the summer away from home visiting my grandparents. I had a tabby, Mitch, who obviously didn't go with me. Mom called me one day to tell me that Mitch had come back from being outside and it seemed as though he was choking on something. She took him to the vet and had him put down. No questions asked.

Side note... My mother and her second husband were fucking awful when it came to pets when I was growing up. I could never have a pet for more than a year. They'd always find a reason to ditch it.

Anyway... I came home a few weeks later. My friends and I were outside doing whatever when... Correct. Fucking Mitch walked right up to us. We were positive that it was him. Identical. Responded to the name. But to be fair... Cats are fucking stupid. I could have called that cat Homo Shithead and it'd still purr.

The theory was that Mom and her jackass husband no longer wanted the cat in the house, so they simply tossed it out and never looked back. I should have taken the cat home and had a nice "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" moment, but I didn't. I was just a kid. I never called them on it.

 

Fuck, I recognize that. My guess is Friday night stand up on Comedy Central, but I can't place the comedian. Funny shit though.


I think it would be worse to give your kid a box for a really crappy present, say a mini vacuum. The kid will know there's actually something else in side, and the box is there to fake him out. And then when he opens it, inside are just rocks.

...True story. For about 20 consecutive Christmases. I hate that fucking holiday.

 

Buster Bluth comes to mind...

 

Give your 18 month old cigarettes! Yeah, that should help.

 

Oh I forgot this one:

Whenever they have hiccups, don't acknowledge. Ask in a nonchalant tone, "Did you take the $10 off my night stand today?" The kid will obviously deny, because they didn't. Continue the line of questioning, growing more and more angry. Mention that they are a liar, that you know they did it, that stealing is a crime and you have no qualms calling the police on them.

When they are crying and blubbering for you to not call the police, smile and say, "Hey I bet you don't have hiccups anymore!"

 

I think it was a Roald Dahl story that had a man fuck with his daughter by teaching her the wrong words for common objects and phrases. Sugar = salt; stop = go; left = right; boy = girl etc. I guess this would only be possible if you isolated the child from all other human contact, and you would have to be really dedicated. When they leave home/are taken away by child services, it will take them years to figure out what words mean what.

Alternatively, give them nicotine chewing gum everyday when they are with you. This would be particularly effective if you are divorced, let your bitch ex-wife deal with the withdrawal symptoms, then blame her when the kid starts smoking.

 

Teach the kid to fight at a young age...by ambushing him at random times, beating him stupid, paying bullies money to fuck with him, etc.
When he cries as a baby, slip him liquor to get him to sleep.
Name him something kids will tease him mercilessly for: like Limpdick Johnson.
Teach him every horribly racist, sexist, bigoted idea you can think of, and tell him that anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong and needs to be punched in the face.
Buy him something nice, then set it on fire in front of him. Ask him what has he learned: if his answer does not please you, take the shirt off of his back and set it on fire too. Continue until he learns his place.
Teach him swear words and dirty phrases as his first words: to the father: "Realest nigga", to the mother "cunt whore". Tell him to refer to every man that is not you as "bitch-ass faggot", and every woman as if they were his mother.
Drive up to pick him up from places, open the door, then as he runs up close the door in his face and speed off. Pick him up whenever.
Tell him the story of Santa Claus and every Christmas, give him coal. If coal cannot be provided, shit in his stocking.
If he ever asks you for homework help, tear it up in front of him, and force him to write a mean-spirited letter to his teacher about it.
Dress him up like a girl and take photos of him, to distribute to any friends he might make. Or hell, the entire school.
When he asks you where babies come from, show him Swap.avi.
Have him learn social interactions from Something Awful or 4chan.
Feed him fish heads and lock him in the basement.

 

If your child wets the bed, remove the bed from their room and replace it with a rubber raft.

Every time your child farts loudly, spray him with air freshener.

On rainy days, make your kid walk to school and then drive by him repeatedly at high speeds and splash him with roadside puddles.

And of course, who can forget these classic bits by good ol' Jack Handy? Enjoy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

 

Sorry, I have to throw out a throwback to the old thread



I'm done now.

 

At work an id card of a University Student was found and handed in.

Her name ...

Olivia Head

It got me thinking.