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How to create a stripper (or her abusive boyfriend)

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by ryan mc, May 25, 2010.

  1. ryan mc

    ryan mc
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    I had a brief conversation with another board member about my dog's name and the way it is spelled which led to talking about some of the dumb names celebrities have given their kids. This got me thinking about fun things to name my future kid that would horrify my girlfriend and ensure my kid either being a hardass (ala "Boy Named Sue"), or having his head kicked in and his lunch money stolen everyday.

    That then reminded me of a great thread from the old board about how to ensure your child would be a fuckup so...

    Focus: What kind of crazy ideas can you come up with to ensure that your little ones grow up to be absolute failures and degenerate psychotics?
     
  2. JPrue

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    Disturbed

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  3. Rob4Broncos

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    Every time they bring home a progress report or report card, reward them in accordance with their grades...backwards. Ds and Fs get hugs and monetary reward, As and Bs will result in 6-week grounding and lashings with the belt.

    "Daddy, I have to to pee!"
    "I swear to fucking Christ if you go pee, I will beat the the HELL out of you!!"

    Every year on their birthday, act like they don't exist. Don't acknowledge them, nor speak of them with others.

    Teach the family dog to attack them if they address you as "mom" or "dad."

    Lace their favorite food with laxatives until they hate it. Rinse and repeat with subsequent favorite foods.

    Every Christmas, get them the toy at the top of their list. As soon as they unwrap it, break it in front of them.

    Shower their friends with affection whenever they bring them over, and tell them you wish they were your kids instead.

    Every 5-year-old's favorite peek-a-boo game: Attack of the Knife-Wielding Naked Dad.

    Every couple of years, look somber and tell them that mom/dad/grandma died. An hour later, say, "Just kidding."
     
  4. no use for a name

    no use for a name
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    This is kind of off focus, and more on par with the old thread, but test your celebrity weird baby name knowledge here: <a class="postlink" href="http://www.sporcle.com/games/imaginary_friend/celeb_baby_names" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.sporcle.com/games/imaginary_ ... baby_names</a>
     
  5. rei

    rei
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    The safe bet of creating a stripper name: Any name ending in 'i' that should end in 'y'.
     
  6. Roxanne

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    Get a divorce.

    Make it painfully obvious she is not the favorite. Also that it is her fault mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore.

    Buy her a puppy and when she is at school, give it away and say it's because of something she did (don't specify though).

    Make sure any sort of affection has a dollar amount attached, so she gets used to associating love with money.

    Enter her in all sorts of pageants. Gotta get that stage presence going when she's young!
     
  7. PenetrationStation

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    Drink before it's born.
     
  8. kuhjäger

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    Only if you want her working the Monday morning shift.
     
  9. Dread

    Dread
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    I also would have accepted giving the dog away or having it put down and lying about it.
     
  10. toddus

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    I went to school with a guy whose name was Jimmy James; however obviously his name on his passport was James James. While I actually semi like the latter, I would not consider it worth it having the former as my legal name. As far as I know it had no impact on his life; however we lost touch mid college so I can't confirm the impact it had on employment.
     
  11. Crown Royal

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    Follow the leader:

     
    #11 Crown Royal, May 25, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  12. Beefy Phil

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    One day, I'll give him a penny and a dog.

    "This is a magic penny. It stays in your right pocket at all times. If it leaves your right pocket before you get home from school, the dog will explode."

    The next day, I'll give him another penny.

    "This is another magic penny. It stays with the other one in your right pocket at all times. If you take these pennies out before you get home from school, the dog will explode."

    Lather, rinse and repeat for weeks or months until the child is known at all four corners of the playground as Rightbender Pennypocket. Also, the coins will act as a cowbell, so I will always know that he is safe and tormented. We call that 'multitasking'.
     
  13. Roxanne

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    Or having it put down and say it's because they didn't keep their bedroom clean enough.
     
  14. Crown Royal

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    Let them only watch reality TV, then scold them later in life for flunking out of remedial high school.

    Give them pepper spray, and tell them to fire off a volley at any stranger that approaches them.

    Say you'll get them a video game system for Christmas, then watch them light up with glee when they open your old Coleco Vision in a Playstation 3 box. Tell them that Venture and Zaxxon kicks the shit out of GTA Vice City.
     
  15. dubyu tee eff

    dubyu tee eff
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    Thinks he has a chance with Christina Hendricks...

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    I think it would just be a blast to condition them to respond in unusual ways to various stimuli.

    Make some macaroni and cheese. Put it under their nose and then immediately terrify them with a frightening mask. Rinse and repeat a couple of hundred times. Then when they are more cognizant, pretend there is no such thing as macaroni and cheese. Then they go to school one day and they are serving mac and cheese. Comedy gold.
     
  16. ec88

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    Walk child with a leash until he or she is 13.

    Throw child a birthday party, and tell him/her that you will invite all their friends. Invite no one. Don't even show up yourself.

    Tell child they can have a sip of your beer. Beat them merccilessly for A. Drinking a beer B. Drinking your beer.
     
  17. Misanthropic

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    The following may or may not have occurred in my family.

    Make their pet "disappear" while they are away at camp/school/a friends house. That night, after finishing off a lovely roast, say "Guess what we just had for dinner?"

    Start weeping loudly when they walk in the door from school, and say it is because no one loves you. Do this unpredictably.

    Tell them intimate and obviously outrageous things about the other parent.

    Rearrange the furniture at odd times. Frequently.

    Tell your children, in great detail, about your time in the mental hospital.
     
  18. Disgustipated

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    If I was going to fuck up a kid, I'd do it in the easiest way possible so that I wouldn't have to pay too much attention. That way there wouldn't be the misunderstanding that I was paying attention to them, and not just the abuse at hand.

    So, I'd just blame them for absolutely everything by saying "...and it's all your fault." If you ingrain it enough, anything will be taken on board and wrack them with guilt and shame, no matter how ridiculous. "The world's in financial crisis and the dollar is falling.... and it's all your fault."

    Refuse to explain why. Just say, "you know why, stop pretending you don't". That's usually good for hysterics after a point.

    For bonus points, add "... and that's why you're going to Hell" after "...and it's all your fault".
     
  19. dixiebandit69

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    If you have a boy, raise him as a girl. Dress him in a dress and panties (God I hate that word), and if he ever says anything in protest, explain to him that once he hits puberty "he" will be blessed with all of the proper womanly attributes, and that it is a normal thing for some "girls" to have a penis when they are growing up...
    Once he hits his teens, start slipping him female hormones.
    For anyone interested in looking it up, notorious serial killers Henry Lee Lucas and Otis Toole were raised in a similar fashion.
     
  20. NaughtyAmberX

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    I just want to say, kudos for posting this. The cam whore approves, haha.