So, I've been single for a few months now, and thinking of getting back out there and finding something serious, not just an FWB/hookup or whatever. However, I'm not into anyone in my immediate circles, and who the fuck meets people in real life and just starts dating them anymore??? So, back to online dating I go. Focus: Do's, don'ts, tips, tricks? How did you meet your SO? What was critical for you in the early stages? Alt-focus: tell the stories, share the horrors.
My wife and I hooked up once in school and then didn't talk to each other for a few years. We ran into each other after college and decided to go on a date. It went terribly on both our parts and we didn't talk again for a few months. Decided to meet up for coffee on a whim and things got better from there. All of this preceded app-based dating, so I have zero advice to give on that part since I never did it. Bump.
Two weeks out of brain surgery I was desperate to get out of the house. Heavy painkiller medication and a young waitress meant I said fuck it and tried to get her number. For once in my life, something actually worked. Turns out she had a boyfriend though, but she had a single friend she wanted me to meet. Her friend was much hotter anyway, and I was smart enough to put a ring on it and cash out while I was ahead. We celebrated our 11 year anniversary last month.
I went on 2 internet dates circa 2009. I was working as a nanny in California, I didn’t know anyone besides my housemates, ans I was 20 so I couldn’t go to the bar, and online dating was a last ditch effort to be slightly less bored and lonely. The first was with this guy who had literally sailed around the world but still managed to be horribly boring and unengaging. The second was with a UC Berkeley student, and the plan was to meet at a coffee shop and play scrabble. When I got there, he had already gotten us both drinks and told me he wanted to go on a walk and show me around instead. He wanted to hold my hand almost immediately, which seemed weird but relatively innocuous. He proceeded to walk me progressively farther away from lights and people and businesses, claiming there was a good view he wanted to show me. He failed to tell me that, to get to this great overlook, we would need to walk up an unlit path through some woods. As I was trying to explain to him that, no, I did not feel comfortable going into the dark woods with an internet stranger, a giant buck walked out of the woods and stood between us and the path up the hill. I told him I was going home and turned to leave. He insisted on walking me back to my car, and then had the audacity to ask for a ride home. I said yes, because I was 20 and hadn’t yet learned how to say no to people. Before he got out of the car, he leaned over, stuck his hand down my shirt and tried to kiss me. I yelled and jumped out of the car as quickly as I could, knocking over the travel scrabble he had set on the center console, sending tiny scrabble letters flying all over the car. Instead of leaving, he starts climbing around my car trying to find all the letters. I yelled more and he finally went inside. I continued to find those tiny scrabble letters in the car until I killed it 5 years later. needless to say, that was my last internet date.
I’ve never taken the internet dating plunge and be interested in hearing about getting into it. Feel like this board may have aged out of it but are too young to be out dating after the first first divorce. Most of the other places I’ve seen these threads it’s filled with mgtow/incels complaining about, single moms, class jumping girls, and height requirements (if girls on Tinder are that up front about it I’ve not got a shot on earth). I too have typically relied on meeting girls through friends of friends or through work. My social circle has imploded in the past year, a few having kid(s), and another, straight up ghosted me. I’ve been trying to just rebuild that but Covid has just been an easy out in an area I’m naturally shy in. Beyond online dating I’ve actually been meaning to make a thread about non Bar, non drinking related social activities to meet people. Drinking has almost completely stopped working for me. I’ve flirted with the idea of going completely sober for a while now but social anxiety, particularly around meeting girls and dating, and the fact that the entire world seems to be built around bars and drinking to socialize which keeps me from it. What says the hive?
Another here whose social circle has dwindled due to different stages of life, toxic people, people moving away etc. The wife and I met another couple while waiting for a table some time back and they seemed our speed but felt awkward to say "So, uh, you guys want to hang out sometime or something?" haha I met my wife in a round about way on Plenty of Fish. I met her friend first who I wasn't attracted to at all but had a truly funny profile so I messaged her complimenting her on sense of humor. We met up for drinks and became Facebook friends. I saw my now wife on her FB page and then saw her on POF also. I messaged her that I knew her friend and that was my In. We worked near each other, met for lunch and 10 years later, still together.
On line dating was after my time, but I work with some folks who are very happily married after meeting people on line. I think a good place to start is local singles groups on social media, like Facebook. A good friend who’s also a neighbor met his current wife this way. They’ve been together 12 years, married for 5, and are amazingly compatible. The precursor to on line dating was video dating back in the late 80s and early 90s. You recorded yourself giving an introductory monologue and mailed it to a company, who would then send you VHS tapes loaded with clips of members of the opposite sex doing the same. You needed to pay a membership fee. I’m not sure how contact was made, but you would pick the clips of the folks you were interested in and the company would put you two in touch to set up a date. A buddy of mine tried it, with results ranging from hilarious to horrific.
I messed around on the OKCupid site back when internet dating was in it's infancy with little intent on meeting up with anyone on there. I liked playing the site's stupid games while procrastinating college classwork. I did end up meeting up with a couple different guys including hubs. This was back in 2008 when meeting up with people you met online was not super socially acceptable so I definitely lied about where we met. We hung out a lot doing free activities since we were both broke. Walks in parks, going to the beach, occasionally exercising together, hanging out in my dorm to watch videos on my laptop, paying for our own separate shit at Wendy's. I liked that there was zero pressure sexually, because I had been with some super pushy guys. We really got to know each other and things progressed pretty naturally. These days, since we have a kid most of my social interaction desires are for the kid. We've gone to the splash pad and they just finished a huge new playground. The library isn't really having the in person story time again yet due to covid precautions but when they do, we will be attending. This is why getting a vehicle has become priority. I would walk more places but this town is horrible about letting dogs roam and I've had to change course after spotting aggressive dogs ahead on more than a couple occasions. Frequent and scheduled interactions are the best way to meet people (think about people you were friends with in school or at work), so hopefully I will bump into a parent if our kids like each other and go from there. Same goes for people with different social goals than mine. Join a class, go to the same place about the same time each week (like exercise in the park, something at the library, take a fucking zumba class), find an online group on facebook that has people in your area doing a hobby you enjoy. Walk in your neighborhood regularly and do the casual wave to neighbors who may eventually make a comment to you or something. It's a lot of work, but you have to put yourself out there physically, and try not to put a bunch of pressure on the other person. I think just getting out there and having casual interactions can be helpful mentally. Communities of the past have kind of crumbled and it affects a lot of people mentally. It's a lot of work to find your community but it can be done.
Focus: My wife and I were set up on a blind date by mutual friends. I actually tried getting out of it at the last minute by saying I had to be at another bar for my brother's birthday. But my buddy was like, "No problem, we'll meet you there." Turns out we had a good time, and by the second date I had a feeling she could be the one. We've been together over 20 years. A buddy of mine who jumped out of a divorce into a relationship is now single after ten years with her. And he's sworn he's not getting into a relationship again, at least for a while ( smart move ). He's been playing the field through Tinder and whatever other sites and is making up for lost time by the sounds of it. Apparently men in their late 40's who are sane, employed, clean and looking for no strings fun are a hot commodity around here. I'll take his word for it. If God forbid something happened to us I think I'd be perfectly happy staying single.
@downndirty what I took away from this is you should go watch kids play around on a splash pad. Good luck!
I met my wife at least a decade before internet dating really became anything. Even now I think your best bet would be to get involved in things you enjoy. Softball league, Dart league, cornhole, church. anything. If you start doing those things, the wives will be finding you dates cause you are the single man who is going to corrupt their husbands. I know you ride motorcycles and that is like the worst way to meet women. Very few women ride and those that do are with their husband or boyfriend. Go start taking horse riding lessons. You will be married and horse poor inside of two years. Whatever you do. Do not stay home and fuck around on the internet. You have to bee out in public and meeting people to eventually meet one to date.
As others have stated, join different local groups. You're in the DC metro area...I assure you there is a group related to something you have interest in this area. When single I found running groups great for meeting people and just about every running store, Pacers, Potomac River Running, etc., have multiple weekly group runs from all their stores. Many of the bicycle shops do the same for group rides; Contes, Spokes, etc., have multiple weekly rides from their stores. Many groups also gather for weekly activities at various bars, etc. A large run group meets weekly in Shirlington. They run a 5k and then hang out at Sam Beckets afterwards. I used to go when I lived in Arlington. The ratio was typically more women than men at their meet ups.
First thing I thought of. The intro with the couple on a walk next to the LA River is about as perfect as you can get. In the beginning with eharmony and plenty of fish I figured it must be desperate people who can’t organically manifest dates. Once Tinder came around with a social media bent it seemed like online dating went full mainstream. Church can’t be the only place non drinkers go to meet people can it?
UPDATE: This thread is old, and I've been seeing someone I'm fucking thrilled about. Past tense from hereon: Bumble is the one I've had the most success with. It also has a "friends" and "professional networking" feature, and a lifetime subscription was $120. Done. Tinder has weird shit like people from across the fucking globe looking for pen pals, or fake accounts selling OnlyFans subscriptions....pass. OkCupid was decent, because it had a TON of detail, but it was incessant and expensive. Also, the people I met there were more...serious and jaded, like they were using the app because their cats blackmailed them into it. Hinge was ok, but I ended up getting ghosted a couple of times, and didn't have fun with random people commenting on my photos as an intro. Bumble allows you to swipe on folks, and if you match, the woman has to send the first message within 24 hours. The challenge is the character limit on the profile makes it hard to explain in much detail, which I suppose forces you to (ugh) converse. My approach to this has been three things: 1. Have shit going on. If my time alone is just in the gym and on the couch, I'm not going to enjoy dating. Dating can't be the only thing I'm doing. I have to have some things I'm doing that I can do solo or invite someone else to. 2-3 dates a week is about my limit. It makes it easier to go out if I will already be out doing something, and it's a conversation starter. Here, the museums are opening back up, so I have had a few days where works ends early and I walk over to one of them for an hour or two waiting on traffic to die down. 2. Set expectations low. For a first date, all I'm after is pleasant company for a meal/coffee. The bar is super low: show up, have a conversation about literally anything other than online dating. My one "elimination" factor is if they bring up fears about being raped/murdered/etc. by online dating, or how badly they complain about their former partners/online dates. I am not trying to murder anyone, and it's super weird you bring this up when you agreed to meet me. I am also not trying to be a horror story. I know that shitty people exist, I don't need or want to hear about how you've encountered all of them. Yes this sucks, and complaining about the men you meet makes me think you're the issue. Along those lines, don't be a pen pal. Keep the banter to a minimum and get to the in-person meeting asap. I got ghosted a few times after writing novels back and forth and it just felt like wasted effort. 3. Be respectful as fuck. Meaning: dress like I have a job that requires more formality than bear slippers and sweatpants. Be polite. Offer options for places to meet/eat. Get there early. Make the reservations. Research the area/menu. Act like I have table manners. Err on the side of caution when leaving and touching, like asking "are you a hug person?", as opposed to just going for it. Do not talk about sex, politics, religion or family goals. Pay the fucking bill, in full, and politely refuse any suggestions otherwise. If it goes well, say "you get dessert/coffee", or "we can split it next time." I'd rather do an expensive place that I'm not going to eat by myself at, rather than some low key bar food kind of shit. If it sucks, at least I got French food or sushi or whatever. Doing this sober is weird, and somewhat difficult, but it's possible.
I think @AFHokie gave some good advice if you're trying to meet new people in a sober setting, sans the meeting at a bar of course. There should be a listing of group activities in your area.
I have been doing online dating on and off since 2010 and have gone out with around 20 women now. I don't have any real horror stories. Only one girl I went out with was deceptive with her photos. I had a good time with the rest, and some were actually better looking in real like than in their photos. Online dating still hasn't led to a relationship for me, though I am seeing someone now (more on that and a bit) and there is only one other girl I saw previously who I regret letting get away, so I can't complain too much. The process is frustrating, though. Most messages never lead to replies, and probably more than half of the girls who do reply end up ghosting. When I started back up with online dating in May or June of last year I thought that it would be tough with covid, but I actually had the best luck I ever had with it from then until the end of last year. But I have been on a pretty bad dry spell though since the beginning of this year (except in the case of the girl who I am seeing now), and I think that I can explain why by describing my experiences on the various websites. Match: At this point I think that it's the best one, particularly if you're looking for a serious relationship. Since you have to pay for it to get anything out of it the women on there are more serious about finding relationships. I think that half the dates I went on last year were from Match. I also met the girl I am currently seeing a few weeks back on Match. One problem I was having with the site though since the start of the year was that I had already messaged most of the women who are on it who I seemed compatible with. Up until a few weeks ago I hadn't gotten a date from it since the end of last year. There just doesn't seem to be enough new women joining; I keep seeing the same ones on there, including a few who I already went out with. But if you have never been on the site and are looking for a serious relationship then I recommend buying a one-year subscription. OkCupid: It used to be my go-to, but man this website has gone to hell in the last year or so. It has essentially turned into TInder, which has been a process about three years in the making, but it actually started out as a good thing. I think that requiring the women to swipe right to the guy before his message could go to her inbox made it easier for them to weed out the creepers. But in the last year OkC has done away with the ability to browse profiles based on your preferences; now you're only shown one profile at a time, and you have to swipe right or left to it to see the next one. Last year OkCupid also temporarily made a change with the free version where you could only swipe right to 10 profiles per day. They went back to unlimited after I think a couple of months, but the site hasn't been the same since then. I think that they alienated a lot of users with those changes. The quality of the women on there now is mostly subpar and there also seem to be a lot more bots than there used to be. Tinder: It's mostly bad. I would say the quality of the women is now better than OkCupid, but there are still a lot of women on there who don't take it seriously. They are at least generous with the number of women that you are allowed to swipe right to per day on the free version. I have heard though that with the free version your profile won't be shown to nearly as many women, unless you receive a lot of likes in your first couple of days on the app. It makes sense; all the times that I have used the app I have gotten a few matches in my first couple of days on it, but hardly any after that. I have never tried the paid version though, so I don't know if it's truly better, but since I have gotten the occasional date from the free version I think that the paid version would be worth checking out. Bumble: I tried it for the first time a few months back and have had no success in it. The quality of the women is probably the best out of all the sites/apps, but I have only gotten a handful of matches and zero dates. As downdirty mentioned they only charge a one-time fee for the paid version, so I bought it, but it hasn't made a difference. Like Tinder they are generous with the number of people you are allowed to swipe right to each day on the free version, so you may not even need the paid version. Hinge: Another one that I just tried a few months ago in an attempt to find an alternative to OkCupid. I didn't try the paid version so I do not know if it's better, but the free version has been no good. You are only allowed 10 likes per day, so you're limited to begin with. But I also found that the quality of the women is probably worse than any of the sites other than maybe PoF. I have always heard good things about it, so maybe I was just unlucky.