When I decide that driving 30+ mph over the speed limit is a good idea, I've probably had too much. (Don't ask me how I know this)
When you are days away from graduating and you tell the dean of students to go douche with a broken beer bottle. When the crazy homeless guy on the subway tells you to get your own train car. When you start calling in $500 halftime bets on the game you're watching on ESPN, but was played 2 years ago. When suicide looks like your best/only option. Yah alcoholism, indeed.
My boss and I were discussing sports tournaments we'd been to and how the odd roomate tends to wake up asking "I didn't cause too much trouble did I?" Thats my line. I want to drink enough to get lit, but also too the point where I recall the nuttery from the previous evening. And those of you with blackout buddies, stop writing on their face with markers it's fucking stupid. INSTEAD, take random items of and odd nature and include them into their blank spots. Imagine you wake up covered in glitter, with one horseshoe, a paid of large granny panties tied to your shoe and a large piled collection of what appears to be the little plastic tip from shoelaces, and your roomates first words are "So what happened after you and that crazy old lady that works at footlocker left?"
When you're on your hands and knees in your flower bed at 3:30 a.m. searching for the house keys you just dropped, then you give up and lean on the doorbell until the Mrsanthropic lets you in. And is not happy. I blame the neighbors.
Too Drunk: "Hot-Blooded is the best Foreigner song. Does anyone have a cigarette? I just want to smash this bottle over someone's head...like right now. Who wants to do tequila shots? Where's my fucking purse?" At this point I'm either crawling around or ping-ponging off of furniture/walls as I walk. This is also when I'm most likely to wander off and hide in an effort to keep the night going.
Too drunk is when you mistake astroturf as grass and think it is an acceptable place to puke for the rest of the night. Too drunk is whisper shouting that the sequin shirt that the girl next to you is wearing makes her look like a rainbow trout. Too drunk is deciding that the appropriate way to consume a jello shot is by throwing it fifty feet in the air and trying to catch it in your mouth.
From last year's fishing trip — Too drunk: When you decide you no longer require mosquito repellent [during peak season]. Too drunk: When drinking straight whiskey out of a 16oz plastic cup seems like a perfectly acceptable plan. Too drunk: When you get lost coming back from the outhouse. Too drunk: When you mistake a beaver for your dog and drive into the water to save it. Yep. That trip is one of the reasons I will never drink CC ever again.
I am too drunk when I can dimly make out the words, "Stop trying to get in a fucking brawl with people on the street!"
You still get the spins? I haven't gotten the spins since freshman year of college. And I'm by no means a drinking champ.
Realizing that you can prevent bed spins by putting a foot on the floor has dramatically raised my "too drunk" threshold. Too drunk is field goal kicking a pitcher of beer across the patio section of the bar and then "trying to make peace, man to man" with the bouncer throwing you out. Also whiskey dick. Until last night I thought this was myth. Evolution was retarded to add this feature to the human model. There would be a fuckton more of us running around if alcohol didn't fuck with your gear like that.
Never get the spins but black out drunk happens much easier than it should. If I'm tired, events of the night can become hazy after a 6 pack. Another thing I don't get is whiskey dick. The little soldier always shows up but he doesn't always shoot his gun. Good for the first hour*, crappy for the next hour trying to finish. Back on Focus: I don't have the "drunk enough" indicator gene. The drunker I get, the more I want to drink. Obviously this doesn't always end well. *times are approximate. It could be five minutes. How the hell do I know? I'm drunk when it happens.