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Honest New Slogans

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Crown Royal, Jun 1, 2011.

  1. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
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    I think probably my my favourite thing my friends and I do to kill time (aside from brutally humilating each other in front of large groups of people) is thinking up honest new catch phrases for old, dishonest shit. That may include:

    The Diamond Engagement Ring
    How else can three month's salary give her the opportunity to give her closest friends the biggest "Go fuck yourselves" of all?

    Ford
    In some way, we've probably killed at least one of your family members.

    American Airlines
    We land our jets on the runway! Usually.

    Porsche
    Increase your fuckability twentyfold!

    Hertz
    We're the assholes that did this:
    And there's LOTS more where that came from. Google it!
    [​IMG]


    FOCUS: Have at it.
     
  2. DrFrylock

    DrFrylock
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    The White

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    I like these creative threads. If you're old enough to remember Crazy People, this thread should make a lot of sense.

    Honest slogans for TiB (or, I suppose, TiB members) accepted as well.

    ~ ~ ~

    The Huffington Post
    Because if you won't spend your time writing for free, there are thousands of other unemployed English majors who will.

    Fox News
    News you can agree with.

    CBS
    Katie Couric is like the herp: once you get her, you can't get rid of her no matter how hard you try.

    Constitutional Daily
    Because every other variant on our oh-so-original name was taken.

    United Airlines
    We suck, but we're big and we fly fucking everywhere.

    Bank of America
    We also suck, but we're huge and we have fucking ATMs everywhere.

    The New York Times
    You guys are seriously going to let us go out of business? Seriously? Fuck you.

    Facebook
    Before us, some people thought that other people gave a shit about privacy.

    Google
    Everyone who worked here died years ago. It's just the computers and two janitors on contract now.

    University of Phoenix
    Phoenix is a real place, right? I think we drove through there once.
     
  3. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
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    Bank of America
    We sell your own money back to you.

    The World Cup
    For 50% of you, this is the ONLY time you will watch soccer.

    New Jersey
    You missed the exit for New York City!

    Reality TV
    If it wasn't for us, you would have to spend time with your families. Your welcome.

    Fresca
    If you think this tastes good, you're probably brain damaged.

    Cocaine
    Hey, it's not like YOU'RE addicted. That's what those other weak assholes are. You only party on weekends. You just like a little taste every once in a while.
     
  4. scootah

    scootah
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    Citibank - Fuck you!
    Microsoft - We're not cool or hip, but as long we stay profitable, who gives a fuck?
    Twitter - Nobody reads your crap, but it makes you feel important!
     
  5. Solaris

    Solaris
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    Disturbed

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    Facebook: We know everything about you, don't you dare even think about closing your account, we'll know.
     
  6. StayFrosty

    StayFrosty
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    EA Games - We don't just mass-produce bugged games, we take over good companies and add their quality name to our quantity shit.

    CheckAdvance - So you can pay for the lube you're so desperately going to need.

    Best Buy - Our uniforms cost more than our training. (And come with a foisted-on warranty too!)
     
  7. Disgustipated

    Disgustipated
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    McDonalds: By now, the years of advertising we've invested in you since you were kids should be paying off. Would you like fries with that?
     
  8. effinshenanigans

    effinshenanigans
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    More like...

    New Jersey
    That smell? It was here when we got here.
    or
    New Jersey
    At least our gas is cheap(er)
    or
    New Jersey
    It feels like home (if home is a syphilis-spewing hooker with jagged braces who's blowing you as you squat over a campfire with fireworks in your anus)

    Focus:

    Cell Phones
    We're definitely probably sure that they won't not be not giving you cancer. Probably.

    Car Keys
    Stabbing at your scrotum through your pocket since 2001

    Taco Bell
    It's easy to sell pounds of beef for a nickle when it isn't beef

    The Washington Redskins
    We're Sorry...
     
  9. Juice

    Juice
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    Moderately Gender Fluid

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    Location:
    Boston
    New Jersey
    The shitty Connecticut.

    Apple Inc.
    Welcoming hipster-snobs since 1976.

    Geek Squad
    Youll be overcharged, we guarantee it.
     
  10. D26

    D26
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    Chase:
    Chase your money around. Dance, monkey! Dance!

    McDonalds:
    C'mon. Like you're NOT going to stop here.

    Wendy's:
    Truly the redheaded step child of the burger franchises.

    Walmart:
    Sure, we fuck our employees, but YOU shop here and keep us in business, so who really fucks our employees?

    Nike:
    Keeping 3rd world country kids employed since 1985!

    Comcast:
    The first cable company to ever attempt to monopolize network television!

    Facebook:
    So, Jim, how's that wife of yours?
    OR
    So, Emily, I see you're single now!
    OR
    Hey Mark, how's that new job!
    OR
    *insert creepily personalized message here*

    Apple:
    Sure, we invade your privacy, too, but at least we're not Facebook.
     
  11. MoreCowbell

    MoreCowbell
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    Hotpockets: Because really, what did you have to do tomorrow besides shit your brains out?

    The Apple Store: You didn't really think the world needed that many graphic design majors, did you?

    Geek Squad: Here's your computer back. And dude, midget porn? What the fuck?

    American Apparel: Your company would be broke too if your entire budget was devoted to "getting hipster girls naked."

    NYPD: Protect, serve, and every once in a while rape a drunk chick.



    Bullshit.

    The Washington Redskins: We're not sorry. Fuck you, and fuck your mother. That will be $70 please.
     
  12. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
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    Digg
    Where the desperate get in flame wars with the pathetic over the mundane.

    Facebook
    See: above
     
  13. NotaPharmacist

    NotaPharmacist
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    Mostly media-centric:

    The New York Times: Passive-Aggressive News Breaking (You should see their profile of Assange)
    ESPN: Bristol's Best Broad 'Busing Fraternity
    Gawker: I'd Gladly Pay You Tomorrow For A Page View Today
    Deadspin: Without (Athlete) Dick Pics, We're Just Perez Hilton
    The Onion A.V. Club: The M.F.A. Alternative for Pop Culture Nuts
    The Wall Street Journal: Fuck You, New York Times

    Philadelphia: Boston Without The Pretension, And More Hate
    New Jersey: Home to the Largest Chips on Shoulders in the Country
     
  14. Average Idiot

    Average Idiot
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    Brunswick Mortuary - Drive carefully, we'll wait.
     
  15. AlmostGaunt

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    Apple and Sony
    Sure consumers hate DRM, but what are you going to do about it? Mwahahahahahaha! Suck on these nuts!

    Alcohol
    You're awesome, and everybody needs to recognize!

    Kanye West
    I'm awesome, and everybody needs to recognize! Aka, "my presence is a present kiss my ass".

    Jessica Alba
    You'd dump your wife for me... in the ocean.

    9-5 Office Life
    Sure I'll gradually sepia-tone your dreams until you can barely remember them, but at least the rent's paid, right?
     
  16. Stealth

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    The Diamond Engagement Ring: Being a hard substance, diamond is to remind you how hard it will be to get a blowjob after marriage.
     
  17. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
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    Skinny Jeans
    When you need to announce to the world that you're a schmuck, you best wear the flag.

    Planking
    The first ever pop culture hobby to be ranked below nothing.

    West Coast Rappers
    If it wasn't for us, shitty east coast rappers would be forced to murder musicians from Nashville.

    Baseball
    Sumo wrestling is no longer the only sport where the athletes triple in size.

    The Passion of the Christ
    Monica Belluci puts the mmmmm! in Mary Magdalene.

    WASP Weddings
    Watch your creepy uncle dry-hump the bridesmaids across the dancefloor!
     
  18. Stealth

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    Planking : Because you need to show the world that you suck at everything else too.
     
  19. silway

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    I loved the Family Guy version of this: Diamonds: She'll pretty much have to...
     
  20. Bryan

    Bryan
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    The New York Times: Passive-Aggressive Liberal Propaganda
    ESPN: Shallow, Narrative-Doctoring Writing--Because the Masses Need Their Opiates
    Facebook: Where You Can Show off the Slampiece You Banged Last Weekend to Your Bros with Crude Commentary ("Check out that Whore Make-Up... Totally Smeared It with a Facial")
    The Diamond Engagement Ring: Because Nothing Says Romance and Love like a Useless Trinket to Feed Your Fiancee's Ceaseless Thirst for Validation