HOLY SHIT!!! IT'S A FUCKING NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST.........

Ok, so this weekend, I went to vist some old friends/bandmates. Friday night at around 5am the party was thinning out and most everyone was going to bed. Since everyone was trashed we all just kinda passed out on the floor or couch or wherever we could find a bit of solace. One of my friends who happens to be a retard, forgot to un-set his alarm on his phone. Now this isnt just some normal alarm. When this thing goes off its the sound of a bombing raid siren and horn. Normally this isnt such a big deal. Phones are normally just loud enough. Well this particular night he had been using it plugged into a stereo system with subwoofer, and 300watts to the mains. And of course being a larger party, it had been CRANKED.

This was in the bedroom of my friend who we were visiting. Who had retired to his bedroom with his girlfriend, before the owner of the phone could retrieve it. Since he didnt want to walk in on a sex session he decided to leave his phone in said room. Cue 8am.......from the outside of the room it went something like this. CRASH CRASH.....WTF?? CRASH, OH MY GOD, CRASH, GET OUT, WTF IS THAT? GET OUT SOMETHING IS WRONG, CRASH, OWWWW, CRASH HURRY SOMETHING IS HAPPENING, WHAT IS THAT NOISE?, I DONT KNOW.....CRASH, OH GOD, ITS JUST HIS PHONE........

The aftermath in his room was incredible. Every shelf, every cd rack, and most of his other belonging were strewn about the floor. He had even managed to take the sheets off of his bed (with his girl still in the bed). All in about 10 seconds.

Needless to say, this was possibly one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed. Second only to the time the same guy shocked his eyeball crooked with a dog training collar. (I actually busted a blood vessel in my eye laughing so hard at that one)

Focus:What is the worst wake-up you have ever experienced?

Alt-Focus:What laughs have you had at others expense.

 

This past new years we had all passed out at 6 am. Except me. I was hyper as fuck and having breakfast which was whisky, cake and lime Tostitos. Seeing everyone asleep pissed me off for some reason so I thought I would go and smash the chips bag over Chater's head to scare him awake. So I sneak in with another friend who is videotaping and I lean in over Chater's head. The second I put the bag over him he grabs me by the bath robe (my ballin ass pj's for the night), is face to face with me, growls and falls back asleep. He doesn't remember a thing the next morning because apparently he was asleep the whole fucking time. When it happened I had seven shades of shit scared out of me and was laughing hysterically out of fear. I'll try and find the video.

 

Both times were when I lived in my first apartment with my friend El Nino. Both were completely at random and without provocation. One night, he dumped an entire tub of cocoa butter on my face while I was in REM mode. It burned like fuck so I wiped it from my eyes so I guess it was funny looking when I stumbled out into the living room with a bukakke racoon mask, and not only are my friends laughing at me but so are the girls that they brought home from the bar.

The one that was worse is when El Nino and my fridge-sized friend Lover Lips scooped under my mattress and catapulted me across the room. I'm not a small guy but my GOD did they make me fly. I woke up airbourne and crashed into my dresser, later resulting in my body pretty much being one gigantic painful contusion for a week.

 

My fiance will get bouts of insomnia and head out into the livingroom for 20 minutes or an hour in the middle of the night to try and get sleepy using the computer before heading back to bed to sleep. One night she's using the computer when some assholes start revving their cars in the apartment parking lot over and over and over again as loudly as possible. At something like 2:30 in the morning. So my fiance yells down at them to stop.

I am asleep and hear my fiance yelling. So naturally I spring out of bed, grab the basebll bat beside the bed, and rip open the door to the livingroom ready to murder whatever burglar/rapist/serial killer from the future is clearly fucking with my girl. Also, I sleep naked. So yeah, that was one confusing and terrifying way to wake up, and I can only imagine what it must have looked like to her as I came barreling out of the bedroom still mostly asleep, baseball bat in hand, buck naked and yelling.

 

Penultimate bad wake-up: On the last day of an LSAT prep class I was teaching at UA, I ended up fooling around with one of my students. She invites me to come over for drinks, I get really drunk, and she informs me that I'm spending the night with her. Cool beans. While in her room I ask about some picture or something, I don't recall exactly what, but she then informs me that it isn't her room. It's the room of one of her sorority sisters who's out of town, she doesn't even live in the house, and she tells me we need to be careful not to make too much of a mess, because we're not really supposed to be there in the first place.

Yadda yadda yadda, I wake up the next morning to a pounding on the door and some man shouting "Police! Open up!"

Every possible bad scenario goes through my head, which I think is pretty normal when you wake up naked in the home of someone you don't know and the cops are there. Turns out they were just issuing a ticket for a messy lawn.

Ultimate bad wake-up: One night I had really bad food poisoning and spent more time on the can than off. Shitting that much wears you out, so eventually I decide to try to get some sleep. But, every hour or two I wake up, feel a pressure building up in my colon and make a mad dash to the bathroom, just barely sitting down before another shit storm.

...Until one time I wake up and I'm already shitting myself. It's really loose, liquidy shit and has leaked through my pajamas and on to the bed. I squeeze my asshole shut and run to finish the job in the bathroom.

And, as if waking up in a pool of your own fecal matter isn't bad enough, my girlfriend was in bed with me.

 

My worst was having a barracuda jump through the hatch, into the cabin of the boat we were on. It slammed around like a baseball bat, and actually left scales embedded in the wood.
I woke up screaming, but we later sold that fish for $50!

 

My worst wake up was in Vegas. 9am, in my car, in the Venetian parking lot. I'd stopped drinking at the Tropicana at 5am and somehow managed while blacked-out to stumble upon my car. When I woke up it was somewhere around 100* in my car and there wasn't a drop of water in sight; I was also in that weird limbo of already being hungover and still being drunk. I looked and felt like complete shit, no lie when I stopped at a gas station a couple minutes later people just stared at me when I walked in. Apparently I hadn't noticed that I spilled a glass of vodka redbull on my white t-shirt the night before. This whole episode wouldn't have been that bad if I hadn't needed to drive 600 miles that day and I'd overdrawn my bank account the night before. I'm just glad the bank still let me withdraw money from the ATMs.

 

The worst wake up calls I ever had to endure were when I was a crew member on a large sailboat in high school. The Captain was an older gentleman who would scream, swear, and rant thru the ship's pa system. Every berth area had a speaker and while we learned how to muffle it sometimes one of the other kids would sneak in and remove whatever towel we were using.

 

Every morning tha I am woken by an alarm scares the shit out of me, the only way I wake up calmly is if its of my own accord.

The worst one was when I was overseas in East Timor and one of the boys had set a challenge out of boredom, who could drink an entire 18l carton of water in one 12 hour period. By about the 5th bottle I was pissing a fluid laser every ten minutes. By the time I had finished the 12th bottle I was all fucked up with over hydration but the worst was that night when every 40 minutes I woke up shaking like a leaf and had to try and put clothes on find my weapon and race to the pissers.
This was at a time in the trip when the higher ups had decided that we had to wear full length clothes in our downtime due to the chance of malaria.

 

There's a ton of these wake-ups on youtube. They get me laughing every time.

 

This is my favourite wake-up of all, not seen by many. I watched it seven times in a row based on the guy's scream alone. A phenomenal cheap-shot.


Actually, this one's even better:

 

This is awesome!

 

Focus:What is the worst wake-up you have ever experienced?

Waking up at about 6 in the morning, in my bed with my arms fully extended (like I was doing a push-up) while I was projectile vomiting all over my pillow and bed. The night before was my roommates 21st birthday. I remember us leaving a bar that night with plans to go to another. That is when I blacked out. The only other thing I remember is at some point being a car and pushing. Neither of us remembered what we did, where we went or how we got home.

Real crappy way to wake up.

 

My worst wake up was when I had the upper half of my body dunked into a ice cold stream, was then tied to a tree and covered in shaving cream and toothpaste. That was punishment for sleeping through 'guard duty' in cub scouts while camping one year.

 

I actually can't sleep when I'm drunk. I don't know why. But usually what happens is I just get so exhausted from lack of sleep I can pass out for a few hours. But then I always wake back up still drunk with spins while simultaneously hung over and no ability to pass back out and avoid the pain. Yeah, to say it sucks would be an understatement. Waking up to alcohol withdrawals are the worst.

 

Mods feel free to delete this if you feel its too off topic, but word to the wise, when you have this problem do not go on 3 day weekend benders, I learned the hard way from this it took me about 4 days to recover and not be hung over. Its the entire reason why I haven't gotten drunk in the year and 4-5 months but instead smoke a lot of pot.

 

I usually only drink once a week (Friday or Saturday), sometimes twice (Friday and Saturday). So I'm pretty sure that's not the problem.

 

He says he heard about some celebrity doing it (but can't remember who), and was dying to try it on his son. My worst wakeup was when my Dad hung half a sausage out of the fly of his pants and started thrusting it into my half open mouth as I slept. Imagine waking up to thinking you're getting fucked in the mouth by your own father. I scrambled to the other side of the bed, he cackled like a witch, threw his "cock" at me and told me "wake up time, dick head!"