Hi, I'd like you to meet my son. His name is Blayde.

Oh it's real. When I was TA'ing at Arizona State I called out for a La-a on the first day. Definitely fucked that pronunciation.

Typhanie Minx. Super white. Super non-pornstar. Very sad me.

 

There used to be a real estate agent in my area that had the name Dick Wenaas. There were signs with his name everywhere but I haven't saw any in several years.

 

When our daughter was born, my wife shared her overnight room with three other new mothers. We were both already jaded knowing our daughter wouldn't be coming home for weeks or months (it was months), and we had to listen to the shitheel 17-year-old who I personally heard proudly boasting about how she smoked regularly throughout her pregnancy "Without any health issues, like, at all!" Talk about making my wife white-knuckle. Her kid's name?

...Diamond Chastity. For fuck's sake, just get her on the pole NOW and get it over with.

 

Furthermore, if you want your child to be named X, DO NOT name him Y ZxZ, which is exactly how my parents named me. The name that I go by isn't really even my name. Try doing 13 years of grade school, 4 years of college, and then working for the government as a career with a messed up handle like that. My brother got the middle name curse, too, but at least his middle name is the name he goes by.

My child will be named as such: (First name) (Middle name) (Last name). And there will be no weird spellings, apostrophes, or any other crapola like that. I learned the hard way.

A friend of a friend named her little girl Vaydley (VAY-dlee). Sounds like a poor man's Star Wars character or something.

 

I have a relatively bland name. Even my middle name, Kiel (pronounced "keel"), isn't that crazy. You don't hear it very often, but since there aren't any apostrophes or anything, it kind of gets lost in the mix.

If I had one problem with my name, it's that it sounds like I would be selling you multi-colored binder clips or something. If I was ever a performer, I'd need a better stage name. That, and there are m's and n's very close to one another in my last name, making it fucking impossible for people to understand the spelling over the phone.

For the most part, I think ethnic names can be cool, even if they're difficult to pronounce or spell. Stupid names, like the "Quashawnda" I heard the other day, will never be cool. It's like slicing your kids achillies and telling them to start running through life.

 

My friend legally changed his middle name from 'Michael' to 'Mc Lovin'. Where I work there are girls named Florida and Happiness. The company I work for also employs a gentleman named 'Richard Tugwell'. Dick Tugwell? His parents must have fucking hated him.

 

I almost forgot, when I was born, my mom shared a recovery room with a 17 year old SECOND time mother. She and my mother (who was 23 at the time but must have seemed like a fossil) were discussing what they named their newborns. Her son? "Oh his grandpa's name is Josh, but I'm gonna spell it the full way, like it sounds...Joshawa." Yep, Joshawa. This wasn't a hood rat, just good old-fashioned Indiana whitetrash. People were naming their children stupid phonetic bullshit names 27 years ago too.

 

When I first met my wife, I had her convinced that my middle name was Charlemagne. It isn't.

We've both got traditional, boring names and we're both really old school kids so I was surprised when she was so quick to approve Odin as our son's middle name.

 

You shut your filthy whore mouth.

 

I forgot the best worst name I've ever heard: Chism. It was a guy I went to high school with's middle name. Apparently it was a family name because he told us it was his cousin's first name too.

 

My first name is Arthur... it's also my fathers name, grandfather's name, grandfather's half-brother's name, great grandfathers name....
long and short of it is I'm Arthur the VIIth, though the actual eighth Arthur, as my great grandfather decided to name his sons with two different women Arthur.

 

Lighten up, Francis.

 

Pimptress mentioned my name - Brooklyn. It's gotten really popular... in 1990 it was ranked #911 on the top baby names list. In 2011 it was #21 and it wasn't even in the top 1000 when I was born (1980). If I were a kid now and I had my name I wouldn't like it. It was different when I was growing up and I'm ok with it. I asked my dad why they named me Brooklyn and he said "It could be worse, we could have made your middle name Bridget." Thankfully I got the feminine spelling of his middle name. My parents got in a fight over naming my brother - my dad fought hard for Wolfgang. He lost.

I have a neighbor named Chiquita. Yeah, like the banana.

One of my college friends is having a baby boy in about a month and his name is going to be Kage. Ugh.

My cousin has two little girls and their names are Sapphire and Montana. In case you didn't guess, they're trashy trailer park people.

 

One of my teammates had parents who didn't get along. According to him, his mom and dad would argue relentlessly over his name until one day, hid dad say "Fuck it, we're naming him Grizzly." They divorced shortly after he was born.

So I have a teammate whose name is Grizzly (Griz for short) and he looks every bit the part. We often wonder if he grew into his name or if it was just coincidence.

 

My guess is "Bazooka Honey-badger," which could also easily double as your porn name.

 

My name was my great-great grandmothers name and my grandmother's middle name both on my mom's side.

There are a few irritations about being named Grace.

I've sung "Amazing Grace" at 3 different funerals which is weird for me and the years have given me a distaste for the song in general. In elementary school we sang it in music class and the kids sang it every time I came into the room for months. Makes me twitchy just remembering.

The biggest and most consistent problem is that I am very clumsy and am always tripping or bumping into things. If I meet someone new, the first time my clumsiness shows up it's a 50/50 chance that they have to make a "well that was graceful... heh heh" comment or something close to that. After 26 years that joke really gets old.


One of my friends wants to name her son Faylen if she has one. That kid is going to get so much crap if she goes through with it.

 

People would probably find it pretty hilarious that I have pretty much the most religious first and middle names a white guy could have. Christopher Peter. Two names, two saints. Tee-hee.

So no, my name isn't Gus.

 

I've worked in medicine, so I've seen some real winners.

These are all actual first names I have seen on patient specimens:

LaShonDreDre (Gotta get the extra Dre in there...)

Chiquita (yes, like the banana)

Deyonce' (Beyonce's cousin?)

Dracondyl (Sounds like a medication)

And my #1 all-time favorite:

Placenta. Yes, Placenta.

 

I remember some nurses telling me about the time they tried to talk a mother out of naming her kid Melena.

Melena, for those of you wondering, is the technical term for black, tarry stool, the colour of which is the result of a GI tract bleed.