This is kinda long, but I promise it'll be worth it. I've been waiting to use this story for awhile. Alright, so sophomore year, me and seven friends got two apartments right next to each other in some shitty complex right next to campus. It was great because everyone got along, there was always someone to hang out with, we threw huge parties, etc. Well, at the beginning of the spring semester, one of the guys in the other apartment has to get surgery for some random injury and move home for the semester, so the complex assigns my friends a random. Before I continue, I want you all to believe me that this actually happened. I'm going to attach a picture (I can't post it because I wanted to blur out the faces, which I can't do on the internet), but still, this is gonna be hard to swallow. I mean, it actually happened to me and I only kind of believe it. Alright, so on the day that the new guy is supposed to move in, me and one of my roommates are sitting on the couch watching TV. One of the guys from the other apartment walks in with a dazed, confused look on his face. We ask him what's up, and instead of answering he grabs a bottle of vodka and takes a couple swigs. We ask again, and this is what he said, almost verbatim: "Our new roommate's here. Yeah, he seems cool, I guess. He likes baseball, apparently. Oh and also, he's 34. (We started laughing at this point) I'm not done. And he's a midget. (At this point, we can't tell if he's kidding or not, but we're still laughing) Do you think that's funny? Well, what if I told you that he was also retarded? (At this point, we assume he's joking, and our lungs are burning) Yeah, you should go meet him. But make sure you offer your right hand when you shake, because he only has one arm. Also, one leg. (Stunned silence) That's right. The apartment complex assigned us a 34-year-old, one-armed, one-legged, retarded midget." (Uncontrollable laughter) It turns out he wasn't actually retarded, more Forrest Gumpesque. And if he stood up on his leg, he would have been sub 4'6, so we're sticking with midget, too. And, as it turns out, he was also a terrible roommate. He made no effort to clean anything, ever. The guys who lived with him all understood that there were some things he obviously couldn't do, and they were totally accommodating, but he just took it for granted that they would clean up after him. Also, he had no sense of personal boundaries, and would routinely intrude on all seven of us and ask for help doing stuff, which we obviously couldn't refuse. The worst was that he was constantly inviting ridiculously sketchy people over and, since it was his apartment too, my friends couldn't really tell him not to. Eventually, my friends forced the apartment complex to let them out of their lease early and give them their security deposit back. The picture I attached is the best one I have. You can only kind of get the midget-amputee effect, but again, it's the best I had. Edit: I'm having problems attaching it, and obviously no one will believe this without the picture. Nettdata's gonna help me out, I think. nettdata edit: I've attached the pic. But I have to tell you, it's a shitty pic. You can't tell if he's got 1 arm and 1 leg, or if he's even a midget, from that pic. You've GOT to have a better one kicking around... nettdata 2nd edit: Fucker came through with a better pic. All right... you win.
Your guess is as good as mine. We were walking through Home Depot, it was in one of the displays at the end of the aisle, and it was on sale for about $5. It was about 10 feet long and about 3 inches in diameter. As far as I could tell his logic was, "Man it's 10 feet of metal for only $5! How can I not jump at a deal like this?". He was a strange kid.
During my sophomore year of college, I lived in a townhouse with three other girls. One of the girls, who was always slightly unstable when drinking, went on a medication that didn't mix well with booze. As in, it made her completely black out and act on whatever thought was going through her booze addled mind at the time, only to deny it later. One day, we went tubing on the river, and of course brought booze with us. She downed half a fifth of Soco immediately, fell backwards off her tube in the river, but then passed out for awhile. When it was time to get out of the river, she insisted that she could see our starting point downstream from us, and was convinced that the river went in a circle (much like the lazy river at water parks). When we got home, she became enraged at one of my other roommates, and decided to lunge at her with the sharp edge of a tinfoil box. My roommate front-kicked her off the porch (awesome). We didn't talk to her much after that, much to her chagrin.
My roommate my freshman year of college was one of the saddest and strangest people I had ever met. I met his girlfriend first; she started to help me move in because my roommate was off with his parents and left her in the room. That's when I found out they had been dating since their sophomore year of high school and she was living in the same dorm three doors down Roommate comes and appears subservient, chubby, and completely lacking personality except for his complete undying devotion to her. For about the first two days of school I tried hanging around with him, and quickly came to the conclusion he had no interest in making any friends at this school, or doing anything aside from his rather large, unattractive girlfriend. Fast forward two weeks later and I barely see him. A girl from downstairs popped by to visit. Mid-sentence as she is talking to me she raises her voice to almost a yell and says: "WAIT...ARE THOSE PUBES?!" She pointed with disgust at my roommate’s lofted bed, and sure enough, there was a small gift box brimming with what appeared to be pubic hair sitting next to the bedpost on the floor. I walked down to my roommate’s girls' room. I asked, rather nicely considering the circumstances, if the large box of hair could be removed, and asked why the hell he had a box of pubes in our room. "Well, Brittany likes me "clean" so I have to save my body at least once a week" was the only answer I got, no explanation for why he had left it on the floor…no gift box explanation. I assumed the pubes would disappear and I would happily live on and repress the memory. Instead, I didn't see him for two days. On day two, the box decided to tip over while I was at class and I returned home to a herd of pube-dustbunnies frolicking around our dorm room floor. I lost it then and there. I tore down our hallway, ripped open his girlfriend’s door and caught them in an awkward post-coital state. I’m not an angry person, I’ve really yelled maybe twice in my life out of anger, here was one of them: “GET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING PUBES OFF MY MOTHERFUCKING FLOOR, OR I SWEAR TO GOD, I’M TAKING YOUR SHIT TO THE MOTHERFUCKING STREET!” The entire dorm found out what had happened, due to my screaming. I had to meet with my RA and the two of them, who tried to explain we needed to open our communication lines. The gf spoke for him the entire meeting. The pubes disappeared, as did he for about a month living out of her room. Once they started showing their faces the stories only got worse. They did it did during her period and both got covered in blood and tried to say it was fruit punch, since they used no form of birth control there were constant pregnancy scares (I was rooting for the kid, honestly), she would break down crying for no reason a few times a week, and he got the shit beat out of him twice by her; once trying to tell me he got mugged walking from her room twenty feet away. At the end of the year she failed out of school and he stayed, no idea what happened to him.
When I was in A school, my roommate was this reservist. When I first met him, he seemed normal, but I was quickly proven wrong. A girl in my class was talking about how she was in his division in boot camp, and how he barely made it through. She referred to him as "insane" and mentioned his name. I interrupted, asking her if she was serious, and told her that he was my roommate. She told me she was very sorry, and wished me luck. He was 21 years old, and he had a 16 year old internet girlfriend who he had never met. He would constantly talk to her all night, telling "Barbara" how much he loved her. I would put cigarette butts in my ears just so I could sleep, and keep my blood pressure from rising to a lethal level. We usually failed a lot of room inspections, because he would leave his shit everywhere. I never saw him take a shower (although he probably took them at his parents' house, since it was pretty close). Still, I'm pretty good at tolerating obnoxious people when I have to be stuck with them for a long time. At one point, he invited me to his family's house for dinner, and they were all completely normal. More normal than my family, even. I still don't understand how things work out like that. My friends all despised him, and made sure to fuck with him whenever possible. The morning we were checking out on leave, at about 4 AM, they suggested that we should prank call him, since I had his phone number. Friend: Scotttttttt.. SCOTTTTTTTTTTTTT.... Roommate: (in a very tired voice) .. who is this? Friend: It's Barbarrrrraaaaaaa.. help meeeeeeee.. Roommate: Seriously, who the fuck is this? Friend: They're raaaaaaaaping me, Scotttttttttt.. helpppppppp! He hung up, and we called him back several times, and left a few voicemails after he stopped answering. Finally, he picked up again, and gave an angry tirade, laced with lots of profanity and death threats. When I came back from leave, he constantly told me about how he suspected it was my friends, and somehow never got the idea that I was involved. He vowed that he would get them in "SOOOO much trouble" if he could ever prove it. Obviously, nothing ever happened. He was also bad at video games.
My first experience with roommates came only a few months ago, and for the most part it went quite smoothly. Except for L. L was the type of person who would clean things when they didn't actually need cleaning, then bitch and moan because "You guys never do any of the cleaning!". Despite her enthusiasm for (passive aggressive) cleaning, in the space of about 2 and a half months, she left used tampons floating in the toilet 3 times. There is nothing quite as bad as waking up hungover and being greeted with the sight of a used tampon sitting in the toilet bowl when you go for your morning piss, disgusting doesn't even come close to covering it.
My sophmore year I decided to stay in the same dorm I lived in freshman year, and just move to a double room instead of a suite. Roughly half of my house did this, so there was always a party somewhere in-house on the weekends, and we were all pretty good friends. I was hoping the same thing would happen again, so I took chances on a random. I got a Korean-American NROTC. Not a bad guy, and for about a month we got along. Little things started to get to me. He never did his own laundry, never went to sleep, and was always playing guitar hero on my TV. In the spring he began inviting his high-school friends over to party; 8 people in our little 8'x10' room drinking blue vodka and litlening to bands that wear eyeliner all while having episodes of weepy/screaming depression while hugging my toilet for companionship. Why? Because one Friday in February he decided that he could out-drink me. Apparently my actual presence as a witness to the event was not necessary, but I was witness to the results. At some subsequent point, he decided that the toilet was not meeting his vomit-collection needs, and why not try the shower instead? Well, apparently the shower did not offer enought square footage, so he moved on to the bathroom floor searching for maximum splatter trajectories. And just to leave no doubt as to the author of this work, he left plent of it on his shirt as he passed out in his bed. I was out all night, and didn't see his handiwork till the moring, when I was too tired to bother doing anything about it. I figured that he would understand that it was his responsibility to clean up. Fuck no he didn't, and eventually after betraying his ineptitude at basic adult skills I had to show him how to properly use a mop, by which I meant I did it myself. So I waited and thought, and finally I had a eureka moment. After my buddy Harkin enlisted in the army, he left a lotta stuff behind in his dorm room, and when we were moving it out we found something. This. Did I mention my roommate was an anime addict? So on the day I moved out, he had a final at the exact time I was to check out. I did it. Buried it deep in his laundry hamper, knowing he wouldn't check it before handing it off to his mother. And you know what sucks? I have no idea what happened. I haven't talked to that little fucker since.
I would just like to point out that the review makes a point of saying "...features mostly consensual situations and no tentacles..." Thank you sir I just found my new signature.
- Was on medication that turned him into a raging dickhead when drunk. Said inappropriate things in front of girlfriends, such as "hey turboawesome, remember when you fucked that gross slut from the bar at her house without a condom?". Yes, I do remember, and I'm sure my girlfriend really doesn't want to know, fuck face. - Would use (steal) all of my stuff in the house. Food, beverages, cleaning supplies, you name it. - Would routinely drink my milk out of the carton, in front of me. Did not seem to take on my suggestion of "buy your own fucking milk or use a glass as I don't want your back wash in my fucking body, you filthy cunt" on board. - Frequently passed out on my couch in front of the TV in the living room and pissed on it in his sleep. - Never turned anything off, including my iron. Y'know, those things that kind of burn down houses if left on for 8 hours while I'm at work. Would also complain about the huge power bills without seeing the correlation between switching off your shit when you're not using it and the electric company charging you money. - Would vomit anywhere except the toilet when he drank too much. Kitchen sink, bathroom sink, hallway carpet, you name it. - Had the balls to tell me, on the day I was getting out of there, that I didn't give him enough notice when I told him I was moving out. I let him know one month in advance, even though I could have gone without warning because the lease had expired. I promptly told him to die. - Never once washed a dish. Would actually wait for me to clean some. I mean, I'm hardly OCD about dishes, but when you have green shit growing on a bowl of cereal that you didn't finish, it's time to give it a scrub. - Once punched a hole in the wall when he was drunk and refused to get it repaired. His solution? Poster over the hole. ...No wonder I didn't get the bond back.