He's an Emotional Gold-Digger

I don’t get it, do women want men to open up or not? Because the article starts with stereotypes of men being emotional shut-ins and then goes on to anecdotes about women bitching about men emotionally leaning on them and women bearing the burden of it. So which is it? The solution she proposes for men to join some silly men’s support group instead of, you know, turning to their spouse for it since that too is toxic masculinity apparently. The article is pretty stupid.

Bump anyway.

 

Men not wanting to seek help, professional or otherwise, is a real problem. This article is click bait bullshit. Funny how they don't mention how relationships and marriage monopolize men's time away from the friend groups they grew up with. The pressure to enter into these time monopolizing emotional relationships is driven by the female. Also to suggest the concept of finding "the one" is on men? Give me a break. Grabbing a beer with the guys and watching sports is toxic masculinity? Nearly all of the emotional support Ive ever had from my guy friends is talking out issues while blowing off steam at a bar.

 

This. Having a kid changed things in a big way that marriage never did. I went out with my friends all the time when we were married but hadn’t had our daughter yet. Now it’s just a few times a month. Which sucks, but that’s the way it is. It wouldn’t be fair for me to ditch my wife with the baby all the time.

That’s really shitty and I don’t understand that mentality. My friends I grew up with are scattered all over the place so we don’t get together very often. But my wife knew my college friends before we dated so it’s never been an issue.

 

I mean I was being a bit confrontational to illustrate how the piece was trying to do the same to draw in readers by blaming men and toxic masculinity for every ill. I know for the most part on average you'll be spending less time with your friends when in a relationship that isn't anybodies fault, having kids forces the issue much more. Though I do have multiple friends that their wives didn't like the husband's peer group and have basically forced them to hang out with the their group of friends pretty much exclusively.

I wonder though if forcing men into the female paradigm of emotions is the best option for them. While I think sharing emotions more will definitely help men cope better with stress having them rely almost exclusively on emotions as women are more wired to do, doesn't seem like the most balanced solution. As I pointed out in my first post, blowing off steam at a bar is one of the biggest ways Ive seen my friends and I actually open up to each other about stress and emotional issues. I honestly don't get why'd they be against this since it is the closest thing to what they're advocating for. In terms of getting professional help, Im currently seeing a therapist and sharing emotions as a coping mechanism is actually much much smaller part of the work than I ever thought it would be. Ive never once interpreted what an abstract dream meant to me and she's never to my recollection asked how a stressful event made me "feel." More nuts and bolts goal setting and life skills than anything else.

The whole "make your bed" structure around things that matter. Something like a fulfilling career has been shown to be a very important to men's well being, instead of demonizing this as some FUCKING WHITE MALE patriarchal construct that needs to be done away with, helping men focus and succeed through various life strategies will leave them happier in the long run and much less likely to take their frustration and anger out on the women in their lives.

 

Yeah most of these prescribed solutions are crafted by social science morons with nothing better to do and end up just making everyone as miserable as they are. As for men who's wives dont let them go out with their friends, I have no sympathy whatsoever. They should have known thats what they were getting into, thats what dating is for. If they didnt, they have terrible powers of perception. Sure, people change after they wed for whatever reason but most of the time the signs are there.

 

Could you expound on this with an actual explanation? I’m genuinely curious as to what the real world examples would be?

 

Maybe she'll have a better, more concrete answer, but isnt just the stress/toll of regulating your emotions against external forces? Like how a nurse has to give a shit about her patients when they might be upset about something in their personal life or something. I feel like the article was more talking about "mental load" rather than emotional labor.

 

So I googled "emotional labor" and read some articles because I was unfamiliar with the phrase. The linked one is pretty junk and centered around this person's dislike of fulfilling all of her spouse's emotional needs. Some complaints mentioned in another article include not wanting constant the mental load of keeping up with the entire household, cleaning, repairs, family friends, children, events, maintenance, etc. That her husband was a good guy and would do anything she asked, but she had to ask, and he did not show initiative to do simple things. These are both examples of emotional labor in a relationship.

Other articles talk about emotional labor in the workplace. I found a wikipedia article and it goes in a bit of a different direction than the personal perspective articles. Deep vs surface acting affect the toll this emotional labor takes on an individual.

I think the issue with the situations in these articles that are more relationship focused is that these women kind of fell into their role. It can be hard to put on the brakes once a pattern is being played but if you don't want to do x.y.z in your relationship, SPEAK UP damnit. I think these articles are more about relationship dynamics (gender expectations?) that are typical but exhausting (for the woman). So in my opinion, figure out how to make your own relationship happy or fulfilling for yourself and your partner, and don't bottle it up for 20 years before exploding because you don't wanna anymore.

 

This is a terrible take. There's something between "don't voice a single emotion to your partner" and "use your partner for 100% of your emotional support."

This isn't a great article, but there's a valid point underlying it: people (both men and women) often lean too heavily on their partner to provide everything that they're lacking elsewhere. That puts a strain on any relationship.

Not everyone needs the same amount of emotional support, but it's certainly true that women tend to have more socially encouraged outlets for it than men. It seems pretty reasonable to say that men who require additional emotional support, but struggle to find it in relationships outside of their partners, will thus put a higher burden on their partner to provide it. This certainly happens in the reverse as well, where women rely on their partner for too much, whether that's emotional support or something else. But it doesn't seem that controversial to say the friendships that women share often provide more emotional support than the ones that men share, so some men may be left wanting in that regard.

 

Hell this is why the phenomenon of work wives/spouses is so prevalent. I’ve read articles that go both ways on it. Some women think it’s tantamount to emotional cheating but mostly a benign outlet for work stressors. I’ve had them at every job I’ve had in professional work. It’s a two way street as far as sharing emotions.

 

There certainly is a middle ground and this article glosses over it entirely. The issue probably should have been explored by someone other than a "comedian, writer, and storyteller." Having issues that require the intervention of a therapist is a pretty big leap from some guy just crying stress away into his buddy's shoulder or joining a mens group or whatever. The article waffles back and forth between the extremes, then it settles on the conclusion: women want men to be emotional, but not too much. Most of the people the author cites, the men and women, are either self-righteous pieces of shit or complete basket cases. I understand that she uses them to illustrate her point, but making a point with zero nuance is a shitty way of making one. Men and women both have a hand in crafting social perceptions of both (or all 87) genders.