Recently I was at a friends house and we went over to his uncles house because he had a pool. There I met his uncle and his uncle's dog. To be clear, I am not an animal person and don't really know much about any animals. His dog was walking in the yard sort of hobbling around keeping both of its legs kind of stiff. Since I am a genius I quickly said "hey your dog is doing a funny little dance there." Turns out the dog is very old and can't really walk anymore. Nice to meet you, I am dubyu tee eff, king of the dicks.
One night I went off on one of my drunken patio tyraids this time about the Mormon religion, calling them a rascist cult, a con, wear voodoo powered Fruit-of-The-Looms and are ex-child rapists (all true). One of the audience members nearly started crying, because he was one Kelob's promised ones. I probably would have felt bad if I was sober, but I wasn't, so I didn't. Instead, he thought it advisable to come to his own defense. He told me that it was the only true religion, that the fire and knife-proof underwear isn't VOODOO powered (alas, he wasn't wearing them) and that Jesus once visited Utah. Then tears came to my eyes, but not the ones of sadness and disgust. The ones that signify that you are about to laugh yourself sick.
To preface this, you must realize that the couple I am going to talk about in this story are fucking insane. B, a friend of mine has this girlfriend, W, and they are always so paranoid about the other person doing something around their backs. B has this good friend of his, S, who he had a crush on in middle school [we are in junior year of college now >_<] and talks to regularly too. W is always afraid that B will go behind her back with her, and calls the friend "that bitch". So, a weekend like a month or so ago, I was very drunk and had just gotten back from a party where I had danced for a good two hours with some girl and decided I needed a snack before I called her up and went over to her place. I was sitting in my room munching on some Cheese-its talking to a friend on mine in the dorm when W comes in asking where B is because he wasn't answering his phone. I had walked back with B, and knew he was in the room across the hall, so I decided decided to make a smart ass comment. I said "you should probably check at S's place, he said he was going to head over there tonight," and kept munching the Cheese-its and went back to the conversation I was in. Two seconds later, all I hear is bawling. W turns around and sprints into our bathroom sobbing. 5 minutes later after much consoling and apologizing I finally told her B was in the room right next to us. Needless to say, W barely talks to me now. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing.
Two stories come to mind; 1. I was competing in a tennis tournament in junior high, and was looking at the pairings. I was with a friend, and upon recognizing my opponent's name on the score sheet, gave a review of his playing ability; "Man, this guy fucking sucks! I'll kick his ass in half an hour, and then chill before the next round! Let's get something to eat afterwards...it's not like I'll be tired after this, haha." I then leave to go to the court...and proceed to do exactly what I say I would. Later, some fellow players informed me that as I was going off on this poor opponent, he was standing a few inches behind me. To his credit, this guy was gracious in defeat, despite my behavior. 2. In high school, I was part of the science bowl team (yeah, I'm a nerd, whatever), and we were competing at regionals. This was our first year, but we were one of the best teams, and crushing most of our opponents. Anyways, for one of the rounds, we had to play a school named Vista, who in previous rounds had lost to Valley. We had beaten Valley something like 186-14. Our advisor/coach/driver was telling us to be careful, and that he had heard they were a tough team. Here was my response; "Man, look at these fucking clowns! They lost to Vista... MOTHERFUCKING Vista! How much do you have to fucking suck to LOSE to them? Have any of these guys taken a science class in their life?" "Well...we're not THAT bad." I turn around to see the source of these words, and it's the coach of the other team. My entire team erupts in laughter. I'm way too embarrassed to say anything. These two incidents have taught me not to loudly disparage people when and where they're around.
I'll do my PSA too. Not to mention that (from what I have seen), I think that it often helps the family make sense of the loss of a loved one. And to dispell the most idiotic "rumor" I think I have ever heard, the doctors and nurses are NOT less likely to try to save you if you signed your DL to be an organ donor in some sort of bloodlust to get their hands on your organs. Er...except for Savage Henry. OK, and for my foot in mouth story. I am an NP student and currently doing clinicals. My preceptor has been at her current clinic for 13 years and knows her patients well, but for some reason doesn't want me to review their chart prior to their appointments because when I am in practice for myself I will not have time to do so. So I was seeing one of her patients (who was a pretty bad historian in my defense) about a fall that he had. In order to try to actually get information from him that I needed I was pointing, gesturing, getting more and more animated throughout the exam. Yet there he sits with a blank look on his face. Finally a few minutes in, his daughter finally says "um, you know he is blind, don't you?"
I have TOLD people the wife/dog/mother they've just made fun of is dead. That counts,right? Also, I'm an organ donor, internal organs only - no skin or eyes, you can specify it on the form you fill out which you do when you get a drivers license in AU.
Fuck me, I had this annoying friend who was always whining about her life. Every little thing was a big fucking tragedy, and after knowing her about eight years, my brain would start humming la-la-la-la-la when she'd start it up. She moved - YES!!! - and I'd only see her once a year max. I didn't have to listen to the piss-a-thon often but my brain still went to la-la-la land when she did. I hadn't seen her in a couple years. I was trying to steer her away from bitching, so I said, "How's your brother?" She got this look on her face and said, "Don't you remember? I told you he died last year!" Fuck me, I must have missed it in between the la-la-la's. I felt like dog shit. I know she's ranting about me to someone else now.
1. Not me, specifically, but a few weeks ago a friend of mine walks into a house party that I'm at. He's fresh off of the fall pub crawl in town, has been drinking since 1 in the afternoon (it's 1 in the morning), and could probably light his breath on fire at this point. Upon entering the party, this particular white guy announces his arrival by loudly yelling "WHASSUP MY NIGGAS?!" His exclamation was met instantly with glares of mixed anger and loathing from the 20 or so black guys who were in attendance at this house. Twenty minutes later, he was apologizing profusely as several of them backed him into a corner. 2. Within my first month of working as a waiter, I had a table come in--a father with two children. One of the children, rather than sitting down at the table, decided he'd rather run around the restaurant screaming at the top of his lungs. I approached the table, tried my best to ignore the screaming monster as he cut in front of me, and began my "what would you like to drink" routine. After the dad and well-behaved kid order I jokingly offer to get some Ny-Quil for the other kid. Dad answers with "Actually, he's autistic. But if you bring him a cup of ice, he'll calm down." Sensitivity has never been my strong point.
In a similar vein, just last week I was watching TV with a couple of friends while having a few beers. A girl in the show got hit in the face and collapsed like a sack of spuds. I joked "typical woman, can't take a punch!", momentarily forgetting that a fortnight earlier my friend's mum was the victim of domestic violence. She didn't bring it up, and neither did I. We just sat in silence as no one laughed.
This is not something I said but something that I drew that 17 years later still makes me cringe when I even think about it. I was a freshman in high school and one of my good friends was out from school that day. He was a fat kid and I drew a picture of him making fun of that and showed it to one of our mutual friends. It was then that the geometry teacher took it from me, looked at it and announced to the class that his mother had died that morning from MS. I knew she had MS but didn't know how bad it was. I wanted out of that classroom so bad that day.
Back in grade 10 English class, for some reason or another the teacher put on Bob Segar's "Like a rock". Being the immature teenager that I was I protested with "boooooo, this song blows! Turn this off". At that moment, the teacher let the class know that this was his brothers favorite song, and the one that was played at his funeral after he died of leukemia and then asked me "How do you feel now?". I felt like the biggest bag of shit ever after that.
In high school physics we were going over angular velocity. The symbol is omega which my teacher said looks like a "w" after drawing it on the board. Except the "w" looked like two semicircles joined together looking like a pair of testicles. "It kind of looks like something else," came out of my mouth before I realized.