A while back, I was out to eat with my Dad and brother at a pretty nice local restaurant in town. They had recently hired a new head chef who was good friends with my brother, so we wanted to go out and give it a try. We had a great meal, and then moved to the bar area where we had a few drinks and talked to the bartender, who was another friend. There were a couple of other people in the bar area, but I didn't know them. I was a little tipsy (surprise), so I kept going on and on about how wonderful the meal was, how it was leaps and bounds above the food that was served under the previous chef, so on and so forth. All of a sudden, I hear pissed off stomping behind me, and turn to see an older man storming out of the restaurant. Turns out he was the previous chef, and I think he may have been related to the owner somehow, who may family knows pretty well. Whoops. I apologized to the bartender, but I still felt kind of bad, even if what I had been saying was true. Focus Share your stories of suffering from foot-in-mouth syndrome.
Lets just say, Autistic sounds a lot like artistic. Telling someone that their kid being Autistic will get him ahead in life, and is something special and useful does not go over well.
It was New Year's of the new millennium. I had recently been forced to get a job and start paying my own rent after fucking off in college. I started paying rent in January, so when I got my November check (I only get paid once a month) and it was for well over a thousand dollars, I went straight crazy for New Year's prep. I'm talking bottles of Dom, Moet, countless liqour, ounces of kind bud, the works. I take this to my best friend's house in Auburn, and we're pregaming, getting housed. Well his dad and brother show up, and Jamie (best friend) tells his dad to look in the freezer. He does and immediately says, "You aren't getting any more money from me this semester." we laugh and shoot the shit for the next few minutes and I casually ask his brother if he wife is getting excited about their upcoming baby. Well the look on his brother's and dad's face changes immediately and he says that she had a miscarriage two nights prior. Mmmmmm foot tasted so good. Thankfully a few months later they got pregnant again, and had a wonderful little girl who now calls me Uncle Davie.
When I worked in customer service, I was only stupid enough to comment on people's percieved injuries twice. The first time: A man came to my till and he had clearly been welding. You could see the red, flaking skin around the lines on his face where the goggles had been. Me: Welding, huh? Him: Pardon? Me: Oh, my dad gets that (gesturing to his injury) every time he welds without a full face sheild. Him: It's ezcema. The second time, after several years of being gunshy: Another man came to my till with his arm in a cast. This was the fourth person in a cast through my till that day. Me: Today is the day for broken arms! Him: Pardon? Me: Oh, you're the fourth person I've seen today with a broken arm. I bet you can't wait to get the cast off. Him: I was in a car accident 10 years ago and my shoulder is completely gone. I have to wear this brace permanently. And so ends me EVER bringing up someone's physical condition without them bringing it up first.
I'll add with this one: Me (buying something from Target): "So, when's the baby due?" Woman Cashier: "What baby?" Me: "Uh...th..that...celebrity baby" [turns and leaves]
I have a client whos husband was killed last month. They are avid motorcyclist and own something like 12 bikes ranging from a BMW to an Aprilia to a Ducati. It is a sad story. He had survived a cancer scare and just began to enjoy his retirement. He was out for a ride, probably a ride he'd been on hundreds of times. He hit a tree and died at the scene. Working with his widow through all the things insurance related has been the most emotional I've been in regard to the death of a client. In the course of our first few conversations, when I picked up the phone and it was her she'd ask how I was. Like anyone else I'd naturally respond that I was fine and in turn ask her how she was, knowing she is/was not even close to anything fine or good. Sometimes she's said it was a bad day and others she's said it was a better day. No matter what she says I always feel like a horses ass for asking and kick myself when I hang up. Finally, yesterday when she called and asked how I was I told her I was fine and enjoying the bright crisp sunshiny day and that I hoped she was doing the same. Downer post I know, I know. I also know many of you ride. This was a seasoned rider on a familiar road. Ride because you love it but, ride carefully. I feel like I just wrote a The More You Know spot.
Take a page from the Chris Rock playbook. Unless you actually see a baby coming out of a woman you are never to insinuate that she might be pregnant.
By stealing jokes from Dave Barry. I made a joke about "hitting someone so hard they'd look like a domestic abuse victim", apparently her mom had lost like six teeth and had a jaw broken by her dad.
Also, make sure you are an organ donor. The last day of your life could wind up to be the best day of someone else's. I'm tired of kidnapping people off the street for kidneys and corneas.
Can I specify that I want to keep my heart, so that my children can get it gold-plated and put it on the mantle? Other than that, have at the rest of me.
Back in the spring, one of my clients was in the [my] spa getting a manicure. We all started talking about the new massage place that just opened in town that happens to be next door to a gun shop. I made a comment something along the lines of "Yeah the location could be a good thing though... you could go get a massage and de-stress instead of going next door, getting a gun and offing yourself." Her husband committed suicide less than six months earlier. I tired to cover it by saying something like "Or take it out on the people at the post office. We should watch out since we're next door [to the post office]" She didn't comment and the subject was quickly changed but damn, I felt like a piece of shit. Jokes aside, my brother wrecked a motorcycle and had to have a cadaver bone put in his spinal column. It works both ways.
I was at work a few years ago, conversing with a few male co-workers, and we were doing the requisite ripping on one another. One guy was busting my balls, and I fired back with a solid, "Your Mom." As soon as I said it, three or four people standing around us abruptly turned and left. I knew I was fucked. The guy replied, "My Mom died of cancer last year." I tried to fit both feet in my mouth. He was cool about it though. After I bought him a few drinks, anyway.
Sure, but I usually take a bite out of all the hearts that roll through. I'm trying to gain spiritual strength, you know... In all seriousness, you can get very specific about how your body is treated (including what organs are harvested) after you pass on. Talk about advanced directives with your doctor or lawyer. One of the best, most heartwarming things I've ever seen was some retard gangbanger who took a round in the brain. His life was a drain on society, but in death he went on to help something like fifteen people. In my opinion, that went quite a long way toward balancing out the Karmic Scales.
A couple years ago I was back home having some beers with family and friends when we started talking about some movie. I explained that the movie was similar to watching a 2 hour long miscarriage, or something along those lines. About 1.3 seconds after I said it, I realized that my cousin, who just had a miscarriage a week or so before, was next to me. I felt like a total asshole and still feel bad about that remark. Luckily she knows that I'm prone to verbal diarrhea and brain constipation, so she didn't get too pissed at me. My dad has the same affliction and I've heard this story many times: Dad and mom met in college up north here. Mom's family lived in Missouri. They had been dating for a while and took a spring break to go down there so dad could meet mom's family. They met up at the local diner for lunch and they were just kinda getting to know each other when they overheard the booth behind them. Some guy was talking about how he collects chicken semen or something along those lines. Without missing a beat, and in front of the family he met 15 minutes ago, he turns around and says to the guy "I bet your hands are real tired by the end of the day. Do you save up enough energy for yourself?". I guess there was a few seconds of awkward silence and then laughter. Luckily mom's family is pretty cool. My dad has a million stories about putting his foot in his mouth. He usually starts every one with "Back in my drinkin' days..."
A couple of years ago, I was out with my family at a restaraunt celebrating Father's Day. I was coming back to the table from the bathroom and had bumped into my friend, Brian. Now, somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that his Dad had passed away when he was younger. But that didn't stop me from having this exchange: Me: "Hey man, so are you are celebrating Father's Day too?" Brian: "Uh...no..." Six years later, I still catch hell for that one...
I had a friend Matt that had a reputation of being loud and funny and saying offensive things about Mexicans because he was a rich kid from Connecticut. He often didn't think about what he said and whenever he said something really dumb we often just played it off and laughed at him because thats the kind of kid he was. But one time he made a comment that there was no going back from. This day we were up skiing in Vail because thats what kids who go to CU do on the weekends and we were on the chairlift making fun of each other and such. It was me, Matt, my roommate B and another friend. About half way up the lift he made a seemingly normal joke. He said "Hey B, I made sweet love to your mom last night. I gave her the ole hot beef injection." The one problem with that was that B's mom had died while he was in high school because of breast cancer. Matt being fucking retarded didn't know this. No one said anything, the rest of us on the chair just sat there in silence waiting for someone to say something. I managed to say to Matt that B's mom had died a while back. He was obviously shocked and apologized profusely. Then we ended up laughing at him because he was fucking stupid and the world was good again.
I was sitting down at a special olympics event called the polar bear plunge. Basically you go out in February and jump into a freezing cold river after raising money for it. Money goes to special olympics, you get your balls frozen for half an hour but bragging rights at bars for the whole year yaddayaddyadda. well my team and I were sitting at a table at the staging area for the jump. Hundreds of special olympics supporters, plungers, and mentally disabled kids are around us. One of the girls starts to get into a minor arguement with her boyfriend that was with us and yells "Geeze Randall! What are you retarded?" Cue the whole group stopping and turning around and looking at us. I swear there was even a dj somewhere in that crowd who had the record scratch noise.
A few years ago, and shortly after Hurricane Katrina, I was chatting up some girl as we walked back to the dorms from lunch. I have a really offensive sense of humor (like most people on here) and though I've learned to pick and choose my spots since then, early in college I thought all situations were appropriate for the make-you-feel-dirty jokes. So she mentioned that she grew up in Louisiana, and in fact had spent the past few years in New Orleans. Without thinking, "So I take it you're a good swimmer then." She looked at me like I just killed her brand new puppy. Turns out, she was heavily involved with the disaster relief. Apparently the joke was too soon. Whoops.
Good lord I have a million of these stories. The woman who sold me my puppy had two daughters, and one had mental and physical disabilities. Well, in the course of having a conversation about my new puppy and its mother, I managed to confuse the daughter's name and my pup's dam's name. So when the woman switched back to talking about her disabled daughter again and how she had to go to physical rehab, I started talking about how they had a fantastic vet college in the town I lived in and how I'm sure they would be able to help her out. That's right- I managed to tell a woman that she should take her retarded daughter to the vet to get help. Go me. The one I still cringe over is from junior high. When I was in seventh grade, there was a senior girl who was a midget. We're talking about maybe a bit over three and a half feet tall her- not just short, weirdly little. So one day I was walking into the bathroom as she was walking out, and I managed to swing the door right into her face. Now, while I was embarrassed about having hurt her, it really wasn't either of our faults that it happened, just a matter of bad timing. What was my fault was when I went to apologize by saying "Oh my gosh, I am so incredibly sorry! Are you ok? I just didn't see you down there." Perfectly good apology until those two last little words. She glared (up) at me, and I ran past her into a stall and locked myself in, my face flushed from being so embarrassed.
I went with 2 friends to a popular Thai restaurant. We went early to head off the dinner crowd and get a booth. After we finished eating, we went outside to see the parking lot full of people waiting to be seated. My friend saw a guy he knew so we started talking to him and his wife and their 1st born. They were Asian and as we started talking the guy took his 1st born and began playfully tossing the kid up and catching it. This was last October when the temperature was dropping noticeably. To make conversation with his wife, I said: "There's a little nip in the air, can't you feel it?..." The unintentional joke was lost on her, but the next time the guy caught his kid he turned away from me. Next came a spell of awkward silence before we eventually parted ways.