Caught up with an old friend last night. He was in town for some work conference. He was my buddy growing up and we were inseparable. We went to separate colleges but stayed in pretty close touch throughout, but started drifting apart in our 20s. We lived in different cities and contact just lessened over time. We also went in two different trajectories. I went more traditional, and he just kind of skipped around from one job to the next, never really settling into a career, even today. Catching up with him was more awkward than I expected it to be. After a brief catch up on what was new, most of the conversation was spent reminiscing about shared experiences, etc. I kind of realized that at 31, we dont have much in common anymore. The conversation was almost grasping at straws near the end because neither of us were very sure what to talk about and it was almost as if I was talking to a stranger. That doesnt mean Im cutting him off or anything, but it answered the rhetorical question Ive been asking for a decade, "why arent we so close anymore?" Focus: Whats your current relationship with your childhood/school friends? Still close or never talk?
I see images of their children on FB. Occassional text, very rare call, usually when someone dies. It is very much like that strong monologue at the end of the movie Stand By Me - do we ever make such fast friends again, et al. Then we grow up and out and play the cards that we are dealt. We move, we work, we stop growing or keep growing or whatever, each of us. I know it left you feeling flat, Juice, I'm sorry man. I get it, though.
FOCUS: Never talk, and don't follow anyone on Facebook or anything. When I finished high school I went off into the Air Force and went to college across the country. I pretty well stayed out there for 30 years, and got pretty involved with a bunch of different things. Totally lost touch with everyone. When I came back for my dad's funeral, my best friend from public and high school showed up, and we went out for beers afterwards. Deep down he was the same guy... but I don't think I was. We really had nothing to talk about. He was married with three kids, named one of them after me. But it was "welcome to a big small town with nothing going on", and he kind of stagnated in it. Not saying that you can't grow in a small town, but I don't think he made the effort... he just turned everything inward to his family and blinked and it was 25 years later and he was, from my perspective, the same guy.
I have a few FB friends from Jr High with I was in FL but haven't personally talked to or seen them in 25 years. I don't talk to anyone from high school, FB or otherwise. There is a friend of my older brothers that I became really close friends with in my mid-late teens. Then he went into the military for 20 years and we'd reconnect on social media, trips back home etc but now he's retired from the Navy and living an hour away. We hang out a couple times a month but it's definitely not how it was. He use to the spontaneous friend who always ready for an adventure at a moments notice. Now he's just so.... old. I assume it's pretty common but over the last 15 years, I've gone from the "A lot of friends/acquaintances" to the "a few really good friends" stage of my life.
My two best friends growing up are still two of my best friends. One's almost more like a sister, where her family members are my family members, and so we interact that way more than like ~friends~ at times. I don't talk to either of them all that regularly, but we make time to see each other when we're in each other's cities or back home at the same time, and we slip right back into old times when we're together again. But with the sister one, sometimes I get a little jealous with how much more effort she puts into maintaining the friendship with another one of her newer best friends (yes I know I'm using the term pretty loosely) who no longer lives in the same place as her. Every now and then I wonder if we would still be as close as we are if her mom didn't basically consider me to be another daughter. Either way, they're still two of the most important people to me. There's another good friend of mine from growing up that I wish I was still as close with. He's lived in places a plane ride away since he graduated high school and rarely visits home so I don't get to see him as regularly and we don't talk too much. But again, whenever we do cross paths it's like no time has passed at all. I just wish it were more often. The other friends I was really close with, I'd be nervous to see them again. We just went in such different directions and I think if we were to hang out again we'd be doing the grasping at straws thing that Juice described. Then there are a couple people I was friends-ish with back then, who were more friends-of-friends that I wouldn't hang out with one-on-one, who I'm closer with now than I was then.I don't know what it is about my hometown but, kind of like I was mentioning in the reunion thread, a lot of people are still close with who we grew up with. It seems to be much more the norm to barely care to keep tabs on people who used to be your best friends than keep these friendships up for 15, 20, 25 years.
I only get together with the old, old friends from the elementary and high schools days if there's a stag or a wedding. We meet up at <insert city here> and fall into old rhythms like clockwork and it's always a blast. Then we pack our shit and go back to our adult lives and responsibilities. Truth is, I don't have any friends today, as an adult, quite like the ones I grew up with. And I think I'm ok with that, although I'm still not sure. I'm still young enough that there's time, but old enough to know myself well enough that I'm ok just with my family and a few friends here and there. I'm certainly not starved for human interaction, but I do tend to keep most people at arm's length. Stand By Me's monologue offers a very good question, and it would appear for me the answer is no. I'll probably never make friends as quickly as I did when I was little. .
Volo brings up a good point - I don't think any of us could make friends as quickly as we did when we were younger. You grow up, become more jaded and aware of people's flaws. Most people already have their core set of friends and aren't looking to make a new one. But how do you make friends as an adult without being awkward and creepy? My best friend/college roommate and I were inseparable. We were always a bit different in terms of interests, but it worked. She was an extension of my family and vice versa. Then a lot of shit happened in her personal life and the friendship just didn't work anymore - she became a completely different person. It affected me like a breakup would and it was really hard to move on. In fact, I think if I saw her again, I'd tell her to go fuck herself with all the nasty shit she said about me. I have one friend from childhood that I keep in touch with via facebook. She lives on the opposite side of the country and was home visiting her parents for the holidays. We met up and her daughter met my kids and it was actually a really nice visit. We fell into conversation and it wasn't all about when we were younger. I feel like she's one of the very few people that grew as a person like I did and it was a very refreshing visit. Most of my other childhood friends I keep tabs on via facebook, but don't actually talk to. One of my childhood friends went to college on a softball scholarship, fell off a roof when she was drunk and fucked up her ankle, and hasn't been the same since. Had two kids with two different guys and the last I checked, she works at the county home as a CNA and leaves passive aggressive messages on facebook to her baby daddies. Not gonna lie, it makes me feel better about my life.
I've found that as I get older, I have more things of consequence to occupy my time, and more focus/direction in my activities. Some of those are group activities, but more of them are solo. Not so much when I was younger, when I was broke and bored, and looked to the group of school friends for entertainment. Needless to say, my current group of friends has become quite small, but of exceptional quality. I probably have 4 really, really good friends, and a handful of good acquaintances. And I'm OK with that. I've just moved back to my home town and in order to expand my local social circle (of none), I've just reached out to local groups that have the same interests that I do. There's a local maker community, some software development networking, a woodworker's group, and an amateur chef group. Not a bad way to meet people that have the same interests, which is usually a good place to start.
Focus: My relationships with old friends are a mixed bag. Probably my best friend through middle and high school and I were inseparable until we had an argument about me paying for the "broke college kid" to go out and party since I had a job from the beginning of time and he was in college. After a couple of nights in a row I told him I wasn't paying for another night out. Since then I got a FB message from him when my dad died and that's it. There are others that for whatever reason I don't talk to at all, others that I talk to occasionally and still call friends, and others that are still really close. I'm fortunate to have a large group that I call close friends and have met a lot of cool people at the golf club that I can call for golf or to grab a beer or two now and again. Having said that, I do agree that I don't make friends nearly as quickly anymore. I can get along with almost anyone for short periods but I don't NEED any more friends so maybe it is more a function of where I am in life that I can be more picky and don't need to spend time with people who annoy me (or are annoyed by me). I think it is a good place to be in.
Interesting question as my best friend Ive had since 1st grade is getting married this summer and Im wondering if I'll even get an invite. We did grow apart in highschool when he started smoking weed and hanging with the Deadhead crowd. He went to a different school and we only talked and hung out a handful of times. I tried making a more concerted effort to try and hang out a few years ago when he moved back to our hometown and we would run into eachother at the gym. He was back in school and had a new girlfriend that is now his fiance so nothing materialized out of my attempts. We have hung out maybe 3 times in the past few years and it's like nothing has changed and I'll message semi frequently. What Ive was kind of surprised with was how fast college friendships faded. Even most of the out of towners that stayed in this city don't talk anymore. In my last year of school I reverted back to hanging out with a group of high school friends and have kind of stuck with that. My best friend from college used to call me every six months or so to bullshit but he had a kid and Ive not heard from him since.
Focus: We see each other from time to time. I wouldn't say we're "close", we all have our own lives, but if we're all at a function we have a good time. I think even though we aren't as much a part of each others' current lives, there's still a bond there. As for my newer friends, the ones I've made as an adult, it seems like we're kinda drifting a little bit over the past couple years. A couple of us are jn a band together so it could be worse, but there's not as much hanging out as there used to be. Everyone has obligations like work, family etc. I remember asking my Dad one time why he didn't hang out with his friends like he used to. He said as you get older it just happens. At the time it didn't seem right, but now I know it does.
I've been waiting for a thread like this. EDIT: Not asking for a pity party or anything else here, I am way over that - it's merely a description of my situation and some people who led to it. FOCUS: No, I keep up contact with no-one but my immediate family members, by choice. A few years ago, I realised that I didn't have friends, just people who used me and tossed me aside when they were done with me or got what they wanted (usually money or a favour). Currently, I still don't think I have any friends and, quite frankly, I don't miss it, or them. I'd always end up feeling exhausted and frustrated with trying to keep friendships going when most of the time, the other person simply had no interest but wasn't prepared to say it. It was much easier for them to just lie to my face over a long period of time. Now, I don't bother going out to bars or joining Clubs or societies - it is simply pointless for me as I despise social interactions and would, quite frankly, rather watch TV or play a computer game. I don't feel bad at all about my decision as it took years and some soul searching to get there. I probably have some form of autism that makes me think this way, but it is what it is. The last time I saw my first best friend, from elementary school, was about 15 years ago. He joined the stoner crowd in high school and that was pretty much the end of that friendship as most of his new close friends were dudes we had shared classes with and they all universally disliked me. My second best friend from high school is gay and has had a husband for about the last 3 years. I haven't seen him in probably close to a decade. Last time we hung out, I didn't fit in with the rest of his friends (big surprise, as I figured out later that I don't fit in with anyone) so we just allowed the friendship to fizzle out. The third guy is now living in another country and seems to be happy and we don't really keep in contact either after we had a real conversation where he listed me much lower on his list of friends than I placed him on mine. It took little effort on my part to let that friendship fizzle out. My best friend from college lives in another city across the country and we don't really talk anymore either. My best friend outside of school or college invited me to his birthday celebrations in August. We haven't really been friends for at least 5 years, due to me getting bored with the drinking/going out lifestyle that he enjoyed. Obviously, if he contacts me again about it, I'll decline. I've never really had any female friends. All-guys school and the women I went to college with pretty much all disliked me, except when it came time to buy drinks or for me to look after their bags while they went off to pee/gossip/whatever while out. It took me a long time to figure out that it was in fact me that is the problem with all my friendships, so, the next logical step was to just stop trying.
I've always had a close group of friends and then an assload of acquaintances yet the older I get the friends number dwindles. I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that most of my close friends have gotten married and had children while I'm still trying to figure out where my truck was left when I wake up. People grow apart but I do know I can call anyone of my true friends from the middle of a cotton field, a bar, or a brawl and they will always answer. But on the other hand after spending four years of my life living in a frat house I only know 6 guys that I can always count on. Life changes all of us and also changes our priorities. I have no children so staying out till 8:00 am on a Saturday is fine for me but it doesn't work for my married friends. I know this and thats the reason I don't call them much. But they are still friends.
I still talk to and see my college/high school friends, but it's quite rare at this point. The thing is I went to high school in Beijing, and I'm now 1000+ miles from where I graduated college. They're great people and I still have a blast when I see them, but we're spread out all over the globe so it just isn't practical to stay that close with each other. It really isn't worth it to follow the lives of people you are only going to see once every three years. I'll probably go back to Europe next year and see some of my high school friends. It's going to be a long time before I come up with a reason to go back to Minnesota again though. If I see my college friends again any time soon it's only going to be if they want to meet somewhere else.
I'm an extremely difficult person to get along with: I am 100% loyal, would give you the shirt off my back... While being a 100% intolerable asshole. I can count on one hand the people who can put up with me. When Facebook came along, I had a LOT of people from HS friend request me: "You were so (funny, cool, whatever) when we were in high school." Me: "You fucking HATED me. Please don't try to make yourself feel better about the douchebag/cunt you were by sucking my balls 20 years later." #nutshell
The hometown thread pretty well covered my stance on people in my life earlier in the evolution. There is one friend that really still sticks out to me though and it is a stark reminder of where I came from and probably could have ended up. Brian. Smart kid. Lucky kid (not so lucky now). Adopted by a doctor and his wife. Has every gift you could ask for as a young man. Tall, athletic, financial means, girls liked him a lot. Had a full ride to play hockey at a D1 school and drank himself off the team. After that, he was a busboy at the restaurant I bartended at during college, that is where we became friends. I already ran with a not-so-nice crowd and he fit right in. We always walked the knife's edge as friends. There were so many nights where both of us were black out drunk driving, fighting in bars or doing more drugs than could be considered recreational. When I graduated and left the area, I left that life behind, I would catch up with him when I came back. While my trajectory changed, he kept spiraling. He did his first bid for armed robbery with a toy gun. Second bid for domestic and being busted back on parole. He is in again for drugs and a parole violation. His is due out in December, I think. It is really scary to think about, this is a guy who was like my sidekick in my final years of college and when I see him these days, it's like he never changed and I am a completely different person now.
Just two years ago it was my grandmother's 80th birthday. The family threw a HUGE bash, rented hotel ballroom and everything. All the cousins were there, the ones I grew up with when we all lived in her house, the ones who took a belt alongside me when we collectively fucked up. The ones I left behind when I moved to NYC at age 11. I thought it'd be great to see them again, reminisce about the old times. Turns out my childhood cousins went and grew into adulthood without me, lived and laughed and experienced entire lives with no input from me. We essentially had nothing in common, nothing to talk about. A lot of inside jokes I wasn't privy to, a lot of "hey how'd it go with so and so" that I was clueless about. A lot of standing and nodding my head like I usually do at parties with strangers. There's a group shot of us all, where you can't even see me because I was in back and somebody decided to pose funny. All in all, a very sad and disappointing experience. "You can never go home again", like a wood stake to the heart. After that night I pretty much said goodbye to all those attachments.
I'm very fortunate to have a large, diverse group of friends from many phases of my life, and we all value keeping in touch. Two weekends ago I flew to Tampa with a high school buddy to meet 3 more high school friends for the Iron Maiden concert. I've known all of these guys for almost 40 years. I talk to them all regularly and see three of them at least twice a year for golf, beer festivals, etc. My best friend couldn't make it, but I see him a few times a month. I'm his second daughters godfather and his youngest is friends with my daughter. I have another friend who I've known since the day we were born- we were born 16 hours apart in the same hospital, our parents knew each from high school. I only see her once every couple of years as she lives down south but we talk regularly. I could go on but you get the idea. I value friendships very highly.
I only have one friend still from elementary/high school. We don't hang out as much as we would like, he is a shift worker, my wife is a shift worker and I have 2 kids, it is really hard to get time when everyone's shit lines up. I have a few good friends and lots of acquaintances. I used to talk lots with friends from high school, but if I didn't start the conversation or what ever, it never happened, so I stopped and they friendships just went away.