Adult Content Warning

This community may contain adult content that is not suitable for minors. By closing this dialog box or continuing to navigate this site, you certify that you are 18 years of age and consent to view adult content.

Hack Superheroes

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by dixiebandit69, May 10, 2013.

  1. dixiebandit69

    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Oct 20, 2009
    The asshole of Texas
    This is a thread topic that happened back on the old TMMB/RMMB, and I think that we can do better, or at least add onto the topic; besides, this place has gotten so serious over the last year or so.
    What follows is what I cut and pasted from the old board [in approximately '08] to send to my brother. However, I just copied the text, not the names of the authors, so what you will read next is not my work. If you recognize anything written by yourself or someone else, claim it. Here is how the thread started:

    "I was listening to my usual morning radio show on the way to class this morning, and they were discussing the current trend of superhero movies, and how Hollywook can't ejaculate enough of them these days. Apparently, a Captain America is in the works, as well as another Hulk movie set to come out next month.

    However, there is one superhero movie that simply should not come to fruition: Ant Man. As one of the hosts said, "Who the hell is Ant Man? I've never even heard of him."
    The two hosts then came up with a list of traits for this epic failure of a comic book hero:

    Plot: Must harvest enough food to survive the winter frost.
    Superpower: Can carry 10 times his own weight.
    Weakness: Picnic baskets
    Nemesis: Magnifying-Glass Man.
    Alter Ego: An African ant. There's not much in the way of hidden identities for an ant.
    Role played by: Owen Wilson. He's got the whiny, bitchy voice appropriate for an ant. "Stoooop iiiiiit! I'm Ant Maaan! Leave me aloooone!"
    Victory reward: Gets to nail the queen ant.

    FOCUS: Using some or all of these attributes, write your own hack superhero."

    Homeless Man!
    Plot: Deters crime from the stoop in front of your house/store/library.
    Superpower: Has the ability to think he can fly; can kill a man using a half eaten chicken drumstick, snapped rubber bands, and used tampons.
    Weaknesses: The Bumbot, the rain
    Nemesis: Rudy Guliani
    Alter Ego: Himself, inside a cardboard box.
    Role played by: Randy Quaid
    Victory reward: A handful of nickels

    Plot: Chases down the foul and vile enemies of all that is just and righteous, the villainous band composed of Gayman, Atheistman, Lesbianwoman, Premaritalsexman, Evolutonistman, and their evil master Richard Dawkins.
    Superpower: A powerful laxative that ignites upon uttering the phrase "The power of Christ compels thee!" Can also call a crusade upon those whom he battles.
    Weaknesses: Children, food, whiskey, young boys' beach parties.
    Nemesis: Free thought, Rationality, Logic, Science, Charles Darwin, Education.
    Alter Ego: Pope Benedict XXIII
    Played by: Himself
    Victory reward: He is assigned the task of looking after a nursery full of young male children aged 5-10, with no other adult supervision. All of the children are mutes.

    Bipolar Man!
    Superpower: The ability to turn everyday activities into quickly triggered blowouts.
    Strengths: Giving foes a false sense of emotional security before thrashing them during a serotonin low.
    Weaknesses: Antidepressants an Puerto Rican women.
    Alter Ego: Ambien Man

    Hippie Man! (Alias: Hippie Person)
    Plot: Hippie man travels the country with the Brotherhood of the Jam Band, warning the masses of the dangers of Corporations and Conformity while supplying the Brotherhood with progressive politics, bean pies, and hallucinogens.
    Superpower: Hippie Man is able to RECYCLE anything he comes across into a bong, from your regular apple core to discarded aluminum foil. He can also make socks out of hemp.
    Source of his powers: A ready supply of marijuana, LSD, magic mushrooms, ketamine, X, opiates, organic soy burgers, and patchouli oil.
    Weaknesses: Soap; employment that doesn't involve selling bean pies or dope.
    Nemesis: The Legion of The Man, including all piggy fascists who tell him to get a job.
    Alter Ego: The guy who sells tie-dyed T-shirts outside of the used record store.
    Role Played by: Matthew McConaughey
    Known associates: Liberated Woman, The Anarchist, Ben and Jerry.
    Vehicle: Hippie Van!
    Victory Reward: A stone groove, my man. A stone groove.

    Frat Man!
    Plot: Frat Man wanders the streets with bros, stumbling from party to party in search of less-than-conscious women.
    Superpower: The ability to repel any self-respecting females.
    Secondary Power: A grip strong enough to keep a solid link in the Elephant Walk.
    Nemesis: A sober girl and her friends, the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission.
    Role played by: Matt Damon! Matt Damon!!! (As seen on Team America: World Police)

    Dungeons and Dragons Nerdman!
    Superpower: Making his 12-sided die glow and throwing it at high speeds.
    Backup Power: The awesome power of his zits popping.
    Weaknesses: Sunlight, hygeine
    Nemesis: Jockman, girls.
    Alter Ego: Highschool Anime Club President
    Victory Reward: Becoming a level 20 wizard.

    Hipster Man!
    Superpower: The ability to belittle conformists with pretentious comments until they commit suicide.
    Attributes: Vast knowledge of bands you've never heard of, skin-tight jeans that act as a force field, forearm tattoos/black-frame glasses combine to fire magnified plasma rays of non-conformity.
    Nemesis: Conformists, frat guys
    Weaknesses: Republicans, mainstream media, his father.
    Vehicle: Hipster cycle! (An old, rusted 10-speed, pale red)

    Plot: BicepCurlorMan must save the world, but more importantly, he must develop killer pecs and sexy bi's and tri's in time for beach season.
    Superpower: Back-Arch of Doom; enables him tho lift greater weights than would otherwise be possible. Also, Roid Rage and Primal Curl Scream.
    Weaknesses: Deadlifts, pullups, correct form, social interaction.
    Nemesis: AthleteMan, ShrinkingNutsSyndromeMan.
    Alter Ego: A gym instructor at your local gym.
    Role played by: Whoever's on the cover of Muscle & Fitness this month.
    Victory Reward: Gets to fuck the resident gym whorelet.

    Plot: Destroys the eardrums of evildoers everywhere with blast beats and shredding Gibsong Flying V guitars.
    Superpower: Skull crushing rapid-fire drums, Flying V guitar sword, Shrill high pitched singing, head bang of death, and record throwing.
    Weaknesses: Jam bands, love, happiness, stds, rehab, and easy listening music.
    Nemesis: Hippies, Michael Bolton, Kenny G, Michael McDonald, Tipper Gore, Jesus
    Alter Ego: Bruce Dickinson
    Role played by: Mickey Rourke
    Victory reward: After overcoming the axis of shittiness (Michael Bolton, Kenny G, and Tipper Gore), the Metal Maniac rides off into the sunset in his black A-Team van blasting "Run to the hills" by Iron Maiden with a bottle of Jack Daniels, an eighth of blow, and some strippers. Alas, all is right in the universe.

    Internet Toughguy!
    Plot: Divinely chosen to spew the ideas he has germinated or heard from his coffee shop buddies on the internet without regard to.... well, anything.
    Superpower: Singlemindedly blind to logic or others' opinions.
    Weaknesses: Reality, the sun, non-caffienated drinks.
    Nemesis: Chokestomp-Over-TCP/IP -Man
    Alter Ego: Annoying college kid.
    Role played by: Tom Green
    Victory Reward: Anonymity and brazen smugness while firewalled and insulated by his LCD monitor.

    Hardcore Gamer Man!
    Plot: Saves the world by beating the hardest game ever (Ikaruga).
    Superpower: Retard focus on TV screen and excellent hand/eye coordination.
    Weakness: Any social setting that has women involved.
    Nemesis: AngryMomLady
    Alter Ego: Mild mannered highschool social outcast.
    Role played by: Michael Cera or Kevin Smith
    Victory Reward: Getting a whore to go down on you in Grand Theft Auto.

    Here's one I made up in highschool; I actually wrote a few comic strips about him. If I can ever find them, I'll scan them and post them on here:


    Plot: Junkyman is out to save the day while getting incredibly high at the same time. Fair maidens are put in danger, and it's up to Junkyman to save them.
    Superpower: Ability to ingest ungodly amounts of chemicals without overdosing.
    Cool Gadgets: He wears a beer helmet modified to hold a bottle of Heaven Hill vodka, IV bags of heroin, meth, liquid acid, and coke; has a rocket powered bong/crack pipe that floats in the air, allowing hands-free operation, a utility belt that holds his pills/powders/needles/weed/etc.
    Nemesis: DEA Agents, the cops, 12-Step Man.
    Alter Ego: The skinny, twitchy guy who hangs out in the alley behind your local liquor store or head-shop.
    Role played by: John Leguizamo
    Victory Reward: More drugs.
  2. Nom Chompsky

    Nom Chompsky
    Expand Collapse
    Honorary TiBette

    Dec 23, 2010
    we out
    Let's see where this goes.
  3. Revengeofthenerds

    Expand Collapse
    ER Frequent Flyer Platinum Member

    Feb 26, 2011
    #3 Revengeofthenerds, May 13, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  4. jdoogie

    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Dec 20, 2009
    Columbus Ohio
  5. Durbanite

    Expand Collapse

    Oct 30, 2009
    Weymouth, U.K. (formerly Durban, South Africa)
    OK, I'll bite.

    FOCUS: Using some or all of these attributes, write your own hack superhero.


    Plot: A guy inherits a house from a friend who dies suddenly. A caveat for the guy to take ownership of the house is... it's a fixer-upper that needs a LOT of work.
    Superpower: Ability to click fingers and all the bits for each individual job will automatically align themselves before being fastened into place!
    Cool Gadgets: Floating drill for getting to the hard-to-reach areas.
    Nemesis: UnhelpfulWal-MartAssistantMan, CityEngineerMan, bureaucrats, nosy neighbours.
    Alter Ego: The average guy carrying his toolbox.
    Role played by: Patrick Warburton
    Victory Reward: All the nosy neighbours move away and the city engineer's office passes every single alteration with no bureaucratic red tape!
  6. FreeCorps

    Expand Collapse
    #1 Internet Boo

    Apr 22, 2010
    Boca Raton, FL
    It's cute that whatever radio hacks you were listening to were cracking on Ant Man while having zero education as to comic books. Shit, Henry Pym in The Ultimates storyline was quite the compelling character.

    And this thread is going nowhere because there's nothing to discuss. It's a lot of work with zero payoff.
  7. Rush-O-Matic

    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Nov 11, 2009
    Which is ironic, as that's the tag line for my alter ego: Friday Night Man
  8. Revengeofthenerds

    Expand Collapse
    ER Frequent Flyer Platinum Member

    Feb 26, 2011
    When the only on-topic poster is Durbanite, it's time to re-evaluate what you think is interesting. Sorry your grand and glorious thread super-awesome thread idea you've been secretly saving in your back pocket since the TMMB/RMMB days didn't quite pan out. Really, I am.

    Next up...

    #8 Revengeofthenerds, May 14, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  9. StayFrosty

    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Apr 4, 2010
    Oh my God I love that show. But Jerry Springer and Moonshiners are both on at the same time, and my DVR only records one show! It's a terrible dilemma!