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Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Rob4Broncos, Oct 20, 2009.
Having a "friendly fire" mishap really dampens the mood after...
When I was 17 or 18 years old, I was "involved" with a girl who was living in New Jersey. We had met when she was on vacation here in Florida and subsequently ended up in a long distance relationship.
A few months into it, I finally got her to agree to show me her tits on her webcam. A couple days later I had said or done something that had her all smitten, so one night she calls me and tells me to get online. When I get signed on, she turns on her webcam and told me that I "deserved to see the pussy" and she proceeds to strip naked and finger herself at her computer desk.
About 10 minutes into this, she is working herself over like she is auditioning for a porno role and is just about to come. She puts her feet up on her desk and leans back in her chair to give me a better view. Right about the time she finally reached orgasm, she leaned too far back in her chair and fell backwards onto the floor.
I wish I could have recorded the look on her face as she is simultaneously having an orgasm yet flailing around in a futile attempt to prevent falling on her ass.
In a typical dickhead move, I never let that one go for the damn near 4 years we were together. Anytime she started getting on me about not doing something the right way, I would simply lean back in a chair and mimic falling over backwards. Depending on how serious the issue was, her reaction ranged from laughter, to disapproving silence and eventually the dreaded death stare.
Halfway through fucking my ex I put on a clown nose. I thought it was pretty fucking funny but apparently she was afraid of clowns.
I dislocated my kneecap mid-fuck.
I fucked up my knee up a couple of years ago playing soccer, I dislocated my patella and had to have surgery. Recovery from the surgery was one of the most boring periods of my life, I was supposed to keep off my feet as much as possible and keep the knee fully immobilized in a straight leg brace all the time I wasn't sleeping. My days mainly consisted of getting high on the prescibed codeine, watching Arrested Development and Seinfeld on DVD and masturbating four times a day to increasingly weirder internet porn.
I hadn't left the house in three weeks and was growing progressively hermitic. Some friends stopped by to have a drink before they hit the bar, seeing me in my glorious reclusive state, complete with patchy beard, corn chip crumbs and sweat pants they encouraged me to get out of the house and come along. I blame a lack of fresh air for my inept decision making ability that night, I violated specific doctors orders and general common sense and proceed to go out drinking with my friends. I have never in my life been the subject of so much attention from random girls. I simply posted up at the bar, with my crutches and leg brace and was a focus of female attention all night. Girls wanted to play on my crutches, buy me drinks, and give me sympathy, at the end of the night one particularly caring young lady offered to make sure I got home alright, since I like the gingers and she looked an awful lot like Molly Ringwald I happily obliged.
We taxied back to my place and started to get better acquainted. Alcohol is an incredible pain killer, my knee was feeling great. She eased off her shoes, I awkwardly maneuvered mine off. She seductively unbuttoned her blouse, I gracelessly tugged my shirt over my head. She flirtatiously stepped out of her skirt, I awkwardly fought with the six velcro straps holding my knee brace on. She lay back on the bed giving me the most seductive come hither look I've ever seen, I continued to do battle with the neoprene and steel contraption stabilizing my knee. Once free of the cumbersome restraint I hopped over to her with all the elegance and sexual sophistication of a mentally retarded frog.
Things were going great, this delightful enchantress was riding my cock better than I'd ever had before. Caught up in the passion and forgetting my disability I rolled her over and lifted her legs onto my shoulders. I got about three thrusts in before *POP* my knee dislocates. In an instant I scream in agony and buck backwards, her ankles flail off my shoulders, careen into the bedside table knocking over a lamp. I clutch downwards at my knee, with my arms no longer supporting me my full weight comes crashing into her lip via my shoulder. Oh and my kneecap is now residing on the side of my leg rather than the front.
Within a heartbeat the pleasurable cries and moans of carnal pleasure have turned into me moaning in pain as my knee swells up to twice its normal size and her literally crying and bleeding. Neither of us spoke, we just lay there suffering. After about five minutes she looks across the bed and in the most miserable but polite tone asks what the fuck just happened. Being in the most intense pain of my life I was less than eloquent in replying, I think it came out like "cuuuntfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckinnnnnngcuntfuckmykneemykneemyknee"
Oh and she didn't know how to drive, so we had to call an ambulance to get to the hospital. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life, lying in the back of an ambulance making small talk with someone I barely know, shortly after meeting her, fucking her, and splitting her lip open. I have since had more knee surgery to repair the damage I did, I now have a massive scar down the front of my knee and two metal screws in their holding it all together simply because I was too dumb and horny to follow doctors orders.
This is a tad off topic but it fits nicely with the grocery bag condom. When I was 14 I lost my virginity and the guy I was about to have sex with didn't have a condom. So what did we use you ask? Saran wrap. Yea, not the brightest 14 yr old on the planet, and my whole freshman year of high school I was called Saran wrap girl... fucking high schoolers.
I had an ex that got a bloody nose if you looked at it too hard. One 69 got weird when he thought I'd started my period and was thoroughly grossed out(understandably). I was confused, wasn't time for that. Turns out his goddamn nose had started bleeding.
I called him Red Wings for a couple of weeks after that.
Years and years ago I was banging (to use the parlance of our times) a girl from Philly who used to fly into Chicago for the weekend to get it up the pooper. It was a great situation because I was young (23) and she was rich and older (30ish), who let me hump her wherever I wanted all weekend long. Both geographically and physically.
Being the classy guy that I was, (and still am) I took her to the shittiest fucking bar I knew of on the outskirts of Chicago for an afternoon drinking session.
This shitty bar was on the edge of a forest preserve(off Archer), in which there were trails you could go off and do whatever you wanted. Hike, ride horses, whatever. (Include dump dead bodies, and from what I heard this is exactly what was done)
We decided while drinking that we were horny and instead of car sex, we'd go out into the forest preserve and fuck.
The only problem is that the day before it had rained a ton, so the trail was soggy and there were huge mud puddles everywhere. We found a spot on the trail (and by "we", I mean "me" telling her to bend the fuck over and grab that birch sapling) and began fornicating.
We were pretty into it, and because of that and the slippery conditions she was losing her grip and her footing. As timing would have it, my copulation coincided with her falling into a large mud puddle.
There was a split second, a tiny half second, where I contemplated catching her instead of sperming. I could stop this massive orgasm and catch her, or I could continue on and cum... What to do? I chose the orgasm.
Because I was so close to climax, I was trying to get one last big thrust and it finally sent her forward and into the mud puddle, screaming the whole way down. Making it worse, she then had to kind of roll her way out of it.. All the while when she is rolling over, and trying to get out of the puddle, there I was............. With my pants around my ankles, dick in hand, jerking out the rest of my essence out into the mud puddle where she is getting up from.
The coolest part. She didn't even care. She got up, was literally covered from head to toe in mud, dirty water, probably some sperm, and marched back into the bar to find a towel to dry off with. Classy with a "K" that one.
Focus: Covered my nipples/stomach in Cheez-Wiz.
In my youthful ignorance, I thought Cosmopolitan magazine held all of the sexual information I would ever need to please my boyfriend. So after reading yet another retarded and regurgitated article about "How To Make Your Man Moan With This Simple Trick!" I suggested that we incoporate sexy foods into our foreplay routine.
Only he hated sweets. Chocolate syrup and whipped cream were out. So we rifled through his parents cabinets and discovered a can of Cheez-Wiz.
I don't know what was worse--trying to scrape off a thin layer of cheese in my bellybutton before going home, or the smell of Cheez-Wiz and semen mixed together. NEVER AGAIN.
A friend of mine in high school tried to have anal sex with his girlfriend by using Saran wrap and Wesson oil. They broke up two weeks later.
I think I have posted this story before...
Shortly after we were married, my husband and I were going at it, and he reached over to the bedside table and grabbed an ice cube out of my water glass. I was really into the fuck session, and not really paying attention to what he was going to do. Suddenly he shoves the ice cube into my ass. It was so painful and cold, like a brainfreeze in my asshole. I was freaking out and yelling at him "Why did you do that?!?!?" and he started getting flustered "I don't know! I don't know!" I ended up running to the bathroom to try to shit out the ice cube, but it just stayed in there until it melted (which felt like a lifetime). Never again.
This isn't my story but my rugby coaches. He was fucking some rugby whore and he wanted to slam her in the ass but lacked a condom. his solution? saran wrap and stick a gloopy stick of butter in her ass for lube. After he busted he told to eat the cum n butter mix. She did. Fucking rugby whores.
Not me, but a guy I played football with:
There was a noted cleat-chaser on campus who pretty much slept with every guy on the team (before you ask... yeah...). One time, one of the new guys met up with her at a bar, and they ended up going back to her dorm room.
To hear him tell it, she wanted him to fuck her in the ass, but there was nothing in the room that was feasible to be used as lube. So, drunk as hell, he goes to the kitchen area (it was one of those 4 room suite deals) looking for something to use.
He goes backs back to her room with a tub of Country Crock butter spread.
Everyone called her "Butter Butt" after that.
EDIT: Holy crap, what the fuck are the odds of having two butter buttsex stories in a row? My faith in humanity dies a little more everyday I spend here... Yall are all nasty.
When I was a mere lass of 17 I hooked up with one the hottest guys I have ever had, even to this day. (What was his name?) We would do whatever wild thing that popped in our heads, at any time, damned near any place. We were like rutting animals, fell off beds, broke lamps, crushed plants, oblivious to our surrounding when mid-coitus.
One night I was staying at my sister's and, since she worked the night shift, we had the whole night to get crazy and sore. So we did. What neither of us realized was that the night was long over, so there I am, blowing this wild young satyr in the living room, both of us naked and disheveled, when my sister walks through the house on her way to the kitchen.
"'Morning" she says, and never bats an eye. At least we weren't on the kitchen table. Again.
It's Donny! That's his name! God bless you, Donny B!
There was a girl that had been trying to get me to hook up with her, but to be blunt, she looked like one of the characters from a bug's life. I stayed as far away as possible until a friend's party where I got really drunk and didn't care what I stuck my dick into. As I put it in, she looks up at me and says "Well, there's another thing you and [best friend] have in common."
It was probably caused by the altitude. Next time be on the bottom.
Hey, you're the one who fucked a girl known as Butter Butt.
Wow, my vagina is burning just thinking about having hand sanitizer in it. That would have stung like a bitch.
EDIT: I know I posted this story a long time ago on the RMMB, but I had an experience with spearmint gum. I just graduated high school and my boyfriend was over and we were fooling around. I had heard that using mints, etc. would enhance the sensation of oral sex, so since I didn't have a mint, I decided to use some spearmint gum. I took the gum and placed it over the head of my boyfriend's penis (he didn't know what I was about to do) and then immediately he was SCREAMING and his penis shriveled back to its flacid state. Because of this, the gum got all caught in his pubes and so I had to think/act quickly. I recalled as a little girl how my mom would use peanut butter to get gum out of my hair, so I decided to try and work the gum out of his hair with thei PB. It really unsuccessful.
Personal story: There was the time I was fucking my high school girlfriend doggystyle one random night. I was hunched over her, I hit the spot, she bucks up, BAM! She gets me right in the face with a headbutt busting my lip.
In university I've been so drunk I've passed out ON TOP in mid-thrust. Then there was the time I fell asleep during a blow job, but in my defense she had told me to lie back and close my eyes. It was 2:45 in the morning what the fuck did she think I was going to do?
Friend's story: He and his wife had to stop fucking because their terrier puppy decided he wanted to get in on the action. Apparently they didn't notice him sitting on the side of the bed. She's on her belly biting into a pillow, my bud is lying on top of her, and out of nowhere the dog leaps up and in my friend's owns words "tried to stick his paw up my ass".
He jumps up all "ahhh!" The dog is freaked out so he's yelping, and all his wife can do once she puts two and two together is laugh.
We should have pulled out of this thread a while ago.
Now we have to stab it with a coat hanger instead.