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Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Rob4Broncos, Oct 20, 2009.
"I love you."
That was truly spectacular.
She started hitting me with a shoe because i was puking in a toilet and not fucking her, but I doubt that counts
Her: "Is it in yet?"
I'm sure she was kidding.
A few years back my girlfriend decided to get on the pill. We were both pretty pumped to not have to use a condom. One day after an intense session of foreplay, she pulled out some KY lube. I got excited because I had never used something like that before. She globbed it on my dick and we began fucking.
It felt really good so I said, "Wow this feels really good, when did you get this?" She said, "YEA it does, I took it from my grandmother's bedroom while we were down in Florida. I could tell it was used haha." While this is no laughing matter, rather a nauseating one; the reason she was down in Florida and took the lube was because her 90 year old grandmother had recently passed away.
Hearing and realizing that she had taken her dead grandmother's used lube made me stop mid-coitus, gasp, and almost vomit. The thought of her grandmother using the same lube I was using was horrifying. She thought my reaction was hilarious. This interaction did a good deal to stop our fuck session, but I soon got over it and resumed because god damn that lube felt good.
Stopped, and I'll tell you why.
Thirty minutes prior, I had just received a Icy Hot neck massage from my girlfriend. We were fairly deep into a fifth of Stoli, so when she went down on me later I neglected to remember that, until she started stroking my balls and shaft. She forgot too, right up until her throat started burning. She ran into the bathroom to vomit, and I ran to the sink to soak my balls, it felt like I lit them on fire and then put them out on a glacier.
I was hooking up with a girl who got me drunk to take advantage of me, and make me fondle her sweet sweet boobs, which i would never touch of course.
Well she bought me a couple to many drinks, and while we were fucking, all that rocking started to make me motion sick and give me the spins. After a couple of minutes of holding back my drinks and dinner I ran to her bathroom, puked, used her toothbrush to clean my mouth out, went back out and finished the job.
The thing that grosses me out looking back on the incident?
Using her tooth brush; although she was British, so I doubt she used it much.
My wife was using capsaicin creme for some neck aches, and somehow, she got some down on her tits. I was sucking on her nipples, then we were kissing a bit, then she started to blow me. Suddenly my lips were on fire. Then, her lips were on fire. You know what's next: My dick started to burn. It was horrible.
One night me and the ex were drunk at my place. I follow her into the bathroom and when she got done pissing we start going at it on the washer and dryer. So she is laying across both machines, I'm on top doing my thing, and it's at that point that I am struck with a brilliant idea. I reach by her head and turn the dryer on.
It was the stupidest fucking thing because it obviously did absolutely nothing for the sex, but my drunken thought process was that it would add some extra rumble to her vag or something. When we finished up she kinda looked at me all drunkenly and said "what the fuck was with the dryer thing?" I still don't have an answer.
My ex-girlfriend went to France and hooked up with a German guy. He started to fuck her when she felt a small stab of pain in her crotch. She pushed him off, switched on a light only to see a vending machine-sized Cheeto's bag wrapped around his shaft tied off by a rubber band. Apparently, the little corners of the bag hurt when used down there. He shrugged off her revulsion and tried to mount her again, but she kicked him out.
My girlfriend dated a friend of mine for 3 years back during high school. He and I weren't close, but we were both part of the small group of AP/honors kids who had social skills back then. He lived down the street from her, and his sister has been her best friend since they were little.
Last winter, his family went on vacation. Since they have 6 cats and she lives down the street, his parents asked her to watch the cats, adding that she could use the hot tub in the backyard if she wanted.
We had spent the day Christmas shopping and were pretty exhausted, so we stopped by for some hot tub action. After a little while we start going at it. I start getting close, and 2 of the cats come to the back door and start flipping out.
I try to ignore it, as more and more of the cats join in. I finally decide to stop, pull my trunks back up, and go inside to investigate.
As I walk in the house, three of the guy's best friends come around the corner to the backyard. They had come to pick up the weed they left there (as they had just run out), saw the lights on, and had banged on the front door, rather than just use their spare key, in order to investigate.
They had literally been 5 seconds away from seeing me fucking their friend's ex in his own hot tub.
After they left, we went back at it, being turned on by almost getting caught. I tried to pull out and get out of the water, but miss-timed, leaving some pretty large jizz bubbles floating around.
I dated a girl in High School that was DEATHLY afraid of jiz. One night after a movie I was driving and we wern't at the road head stage yet, so i asked for a handy. Well she told me a little before I spewed forth young life, to let her know. As requested I did, earlier she had taken off her panties while we fooled around in the movie theater; she put them in her hand. Then she kept going, sure they were silk and it felt kinda nice, but she only did it, so I'd bust into them and not on her hand.
No we weren't drunk and no one was even sick before it happened, here's the full story.
I was a filthy pig when I had my apartment at Ohio State, and I never did laundry. I got to a point where I was completely out of clean jeans and underwear so I decided to go commando and wear some dirty ass jeans. They didn't smell good so I rubbed some deodorant on the inside of my jeans before putting them on, I'm sure you can see where this is going.
Anyways, my girlfriend comes over and she wants to have some fun. She starts blowing me and suddenly she just starts making really weird faces, retching and then dry heaving before running to the bathroom and vomiting.
Apparently antiperspirant doesn't taste very good and dries up your entire mouth.
My first real girlfriend was, for lack of a less painful description, terrible in bed. I remember on the old board, my 18-year-old self asking for advice to get her to put out, and one of the mods mentioning that she was probably going to be a lie-back-and-think-of-the-Queen-of-England fuck. I can't remember which mod this was, but he was absolutely right. She was a dead fish. Laid back, didn't move, didn't make a sound. Also, her vagina smelled like a turd baked under the sun for a week, bu that's not relevant to this story.
An adolescence of watching porn taught me that women scream and moan during sex, that they like to move around to get it to hit the right spot, and that every woman alive is secretly a naughty whore who wants to take it up the butt. While common sense told me that number three was probably an exaggeration, I thought the first two made sense. And the screaming and moaning has always been one of my biggest turn-ons, if not the biggest.
So the first time we did it, I didn't really care that much. I was getting my dick wet for the first time ever, and as long as she didn't turn into an alien mid-coitus, I could give a shit what she was doing. The second time, however, I found myself wondering: why is this woman just laying there? Am I really that bad?
So I stopped. Looked down at her. And asked "are you enjoying this?" She assured me that she was, and wondered why I would ask that. I explained my line of logic. And she again, reassured me that she enjoyed it "quite a bit." And over two years later, I still can't believe I ever did that.
My cousin actually did that, but instead of talking her out of it, he actually went through with it. Except he didn't even bother to tear it into a manageable size -- he just taped it up as best he could and ran her through like Moses did to Baka in The Ten Commandments, without even putting sanitizer on the bag, either. And this was his girlfriend of 2 years. Class act.
There was a couple a year younger than me in high school that did the exact same thing, only with Saran Wrap instead of a plastic bag. Shockingly, the girl ended up pregnant.
Was so drunk I literally fell off the girl, and the bed for that matter. Apparently, managed to hit the corner of my nightstand on the way to the floor, opening a gash above my eye that needed four stitches to close...an hour later when the girl was finally able to wake me up from my blackout.
Getting a bloody nose during sex sucks. I'll just leave it at that.
I'm keeping a list of ridiculous things to say mid-orgasm.
My current favorite, courtesy of one Joey Comeau:
"GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK!"
Why, not, I don't often have sex with the same girl multiple times. How did you know?
True, very true. But when she "gets" one, I call it foreplay.
Got caught. Girl I was dating senior year of high school. My Mom, sisters and I were living in an apartment while my Step-Dad was renovating the house. My parents were supposed to be out of town for the day in Wisconsin, and the girlfriend and I both had the day off, so we went to the House to fuck.
Mid-coitus the thought occurs to me "I let the dog out when I got here. I wonder if anyone planned to check on the dog today?" Which is when I heard the key in the door. I looked up to see my Mom in the doorway, framed by my two little sisters, who both had their jaws hanging open.
Mom screamed at me for a while as we hurriedly redressed. "What do you think you're doing!?" Teaching her to play chess, ma, what do you think?
Something similar happened to me. The differences? We thought my mom was asleep. And upstairs, where her bedroom was. We were wrong about both parts. Luckily, we were under covers so the only part my mom saw was the girlfriend taking my shirt off (while I was inside the girlfriend). My mom's response? "I'll just go ahead and close this," and she closed the door.
My mom's awesome.