<a class="postlink" href="http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/cucumber-in-rear-was-failed-suicide-bid/story-e6frfku0-1225847704304" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/cu ... 5847704304</a> Cucumber in rear was 'failed suicide bid' A HONG Kong man, taken to the hospital to have a cucumber removed from his bottom, told doctors he inserted it in a suicide attempt. The Sun reported Chin Wei, 62, said the method was a variation of the Japanese ritual suicide hara-kiri - usually carried out with a sword plunged into one's own stomach. He was found in a pool of blood by his daughter before being rushed to receive medical health. Medics said a severe tear to the man's anus was not life-threatening. Hahhahahahahahhaha, wait hahahahahahah, this guy should get together with the kid who cut off his own dick, fun times. Focus: If you were going to kill yourself how would you do it? Me? Sky diving over a packed sports event, strapped with 5kg of high explosives*. BOOM, pink rain. *(And a cucumber in my ass)
Yes, a suicide attempt. That's a very convincing story. Basically, I wouldn't want there to be any significant chance of failure, as attempting suicide and living would just suck even more, especially if you suffered permanent damage from the attempt. The method I think'd be least likely to fail involves a bunch of shotgun shells (and receivers and short barrels)arrayed around my skull, sorta like the wires on different brain imaging tests. Odds are it's one of the most metal suicides possible that doesn't involve charging into battle with an axe in your hand. For comedy, I've always been a fan of the "tie a short length of piano wire around your neck, tie a longer length of rope around your waist, glue hands to cheeks, and jump" method. This in theory should leave you dangling above the street, holding your severed head in your hands. Preferably you can stuff your body's cavities full of different candies and prizes, so it'd be like a piñata. Bonus points for rigging small charges to go off to destroy your torso, so the candy gets spread out. Also, then you have the advantage of your severed head (with disembodied hands glued to the cheeks) reminding someone of Home Alone, which ideally will either ruin that film for them or make them start laughing their asses off. Spoiler
Load myself up with plastic explosives with metal shards stuffed into them, then jump out of a plane into Yankee Stadium Black Sunday-style. If I'm going to kill myself, I might as well do the world a fucking favour while I'm at it.
My Dad is an odd fellow. He never really had much of a talk about sex with me, and he just recently began speaking to me about alcohol and drugs. He did however give me this tip about committing suicide- This happened after a kid in my high school committed suicide in his bedroom. Focus: If I were to ever do it, I would try to do it in someway that would not embarrass my family. aka I would make it look accidental. Someone would benefit from my life insurance policy this way also. Sky diving accident would be pretty cool. Ive got to assume if I got head first it would be pretty painless too. And I would have a few minutes tot hink about my life as I fall.
Alt-Focus: I was sitting in a suicide brief for about 1000 junior enlisted guys a little while back given by one of the senior enlisted guys. After the Chaplain gave his brief and some civilian contractor gave his .02, this SSgt or GySgt came out to kinda dismiss everyone, but not before dropping this gem: (Not exact, but close) 'So everyone gets the gist of what they said right?' *silence* 'Good, now you know that if you want to kill yourself, talk to someone... and if you try to kill yourself, go through with it and don't do it half way, save me the time and paperwork.' Jaw, meet floor. I'm sure he got a 'talking' to afterwards. Focus: I would think jumping from a very tall building somewhere in downtown NYC to the street below causing hours of traffic for those bastards would suffice.
Well if anything was possible, I'd kill myself by stepping over the edge of a black hole. In fact, that's how I'd prefer to go whether I was suicidal or not. I'm pretty sure it was Stephen Hawking who said that's how he'd wanna go, something about being able to see all time, but it could have been a less famous scientist. Either way, I'd be fucking down. In terms of how I'd realistically do it...um, hows about some heroin? Oodles and oodles of heroin. I mean, really, why not? In fact, I've had many conversations with friends talking about how if we end up being really old and totally alone, and somehow someone supplies us with some sweet Lady H, we totally (maybe) would, even just to try it. Oh, and also, a year long sex-romp with Jessica Alba and Megan Fox. Not sure if that could actually kill me, but I'd die trying.
A friend of mine killed himself first year of college. He jumped off a multi-story carpark that was attached to a hospital. On the drive to the top of the car park he basically played dodgems against all of the parked cars for 7 levels before his car conked out and then walked the final 2 levels with a tyre iron taking out rear wind shields. All in all it was a pretty low act, but I guess if you want to go out causing mayhem without killing anyone he achieved the result.
Aside, but the "kid who chopped his dick off" comment made me think of this: Anyone remember the Bobbitt case where the husband rapes his wife, and she proceeds to chop his dick off? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_and_Lorena_Bobbitt Anyways, If i were to off myself I'm pretty sure i'd find a way to get connected to a big a$$ firework during a 4th of July celebration.....i mean hell, you'd get one hell of a view before you went.
I'd go the "assisted" route and check out via suffocation underneath the voluptuous chest of Denise Milani
Speeding passenger train. Just jump out in front of when it is going top speed. Good way to inconvenience a ton of people, and make a huge splat.
I recently read this, but I forget where so I can't give a link. The jist of the story was a guy decided to off himself with a shotgun. First shot he pumped a round through his chest. Didn't do the job. So he reloaded and blew one through his throat. The fucker was still alive after that with huge holes in his chest, back, and neck. So what does he do? He reloads again and finally offs himself with a head shot. Think about this for a moment. The dude was so determined to end it all he reloaded twice with what were probably mortal wounds in the first place. Reloading once I can almost fathom. But twice? Damn.
I'm sticking with an idea from Neil Gaiman's Endless Nights graphic novel, specifically the Death story. Long story short, wealthy nobleman sets up a villa with people beyond Death's power and relives the same day over and over again while indulging in every vice and depravity possible. So my suicide would mirror what the nobleman did during that story. Having sex with two gorgeous women and having a stampeding bull elephant crush us to death at the moment of climax. Yep.
Recently a student at my school killed himself by cutting his own throat with a steak knife. I can't even begin to imagine how bound and determined you would have to be to go this route. I was actually working in the radio room at the police station when the dean of students called in looking for the kids parent's contact info. The dean claimed the kid was very ill, but we called the hospital to verify. "Hey we were calling in reference to X student, hows he doing?" "Oh well the coroner says he's not doing so well" First responders have a slightly macabre sense of humor.
Any way is fine, as long as I yelled "allahu akbar" in a public place while doing it. It'd confuse the crap out of people.
I'd attempt a bar hypothetical like cage fighting a polar bear or going waist to toe with 50 rabid midgets. Or maybe standing near a crop circle without my thought screen helmet so I could go ji-had on a rogue human abducting UFO.
I like the Nick Swardson approach. Go in a crowded place, scream "WHO FUCKING FARTED?!" and blow my brains out. That would scar some people for life, and have them guessing as to who cut the cheese. Otherwise, driving a stolen Veyron at top speed off of an alpine jump leading into the deepest part of the deepest canyon in the world, getting out part of the way with a hang glider, landing safely, and eating a frisbee sideways (I believe Mr. Hamburger called it seppuku?) would be tits.
I'm going to stick with the regular method, eat too much, drink too much, take a few drugs, sit on the couch smoking and watching TV instead of exercise. It's slow, but it's easy.
I was reading some of Seneca's letters for a big paper on the Slave Wars and he talks about an enslaved gladiator who killed himself in a novel way. He was at a beast-fighter training camp (does that not sound badass?) and due to fight the next day and wants to off himself to avoid a painful death by bear or tiger. So he worked out a way to do it despite the constant guard. He went to the latrine and took the sponge-stick that the Roman's used to wipe their asses and shoved it down his throat until it was lodged in his windpipe. Seneca says it is truly a great man who "not only commands his own death but who also finds the death by which he is to die." It kind of makes you wonder how bad being a gladiator was that choking to death on a shit soaked sponge was the preferable way to go.